Good morning, at the 30th off January, 2019

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Good morning everyone.

I'm not feeling well again,

I started A good diet, I'm currently focusing on, It's only day three so far, I'm planning on to hold on to it, for three entire months. I'm pretty obese, and I'm getting over with A period off depression and heartbreak, which has been A thing, ever since two years. I feel well again, as if I'm ready for life again.

What also helps, was that my home situation got stabilized, and that I don't have to take part in group livings anymore (I live protected, for mentally sick people.) And that I feel better every day.

But- I haven't actually met my crush these weeks that I was onto it, and I feel like today the down feelings are getting me again, my kitchen is one big mess. I'm off to the Upcycling shop for today, and see what I can do with my creativity there. I believe, don't get shocked, that I got stuck in myself after ditching heavy feelings for someone and that I'm about to continue life, but that the depression bugs have bitten me in my neck again. That's how it always goes. Sometimes, 'feelings.' Are too good to be really true, and I'm over with Vana Events completely, I don't ever wish to go there, or to be seen there again. Choices, choices I have made, and I'll probably stick to.

I'm on my couch with the last mugg off green tea for this morning. I feel like I've challenged myself with the target 'Three months on A good diet.' and truly getting rid off being so obese. But- what's there for me in summer and spring, if all my life has always been A saddening thing?

I have put an outtake off this poem in A Wickerbeast burning some times ago. The gods reply me now, I can't be angry with them. I asked the gods for A love relationship, and A real one this time. I have been praying for love, almost this entire winter long, if I felt like having A wish for myself. This time, I really wish for A man with big strong arms and hands to hold me close. (Secretly, I do want that. Like most normal women.) It's just that I've been A psychiatric patient with A diagnosis ever since being only 19 years old. -Ik baal.-  I feel lousy about it. This time, I wish for it to happen for real, and I feel like there shouldn't be consequences I can't take with the love I'm seeking for. 'This time, I wish to make it happen.' 💖 

Because, to be comforted by real love- that is all I actually yearn for. For that one hero to safe me from feeling an outlaw in life my entire life.  💗 You can understand why I felt more glad with the Vana Wickerbeast 'The beloveds.' (2015 I think?) Which seemed to have had nothing mean to do with me. It's probably the only one I made A heartfelt and true sacrifice to.

The Poem, Madonna's take on 'Bittersweet.' By the ancient persian poet Rumi:

 In my hallucination

I saw my beloved's flower garden

In my vertigo, in my dizziness

In my drunken haze

Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence

I was there in the beginning

And I was the spirit of love

Now I am sober

There is only the hangover

And the memory of love

And only the sorrow

I yearn for happiness

I ask for help

I want mercy

And my love says:

Look at me and hear me

Because I am here

Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too

I am your flower garden and your water too

I have come all this way, eager for you

Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh

To kill all your worries

To love you

To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness

I will soothe you and heal you

I will bring you roses