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As for today, I've slept awfull last night, I don't feel at full energy, so I decided to call off the Upcycling, and prepare my ritual-ending cookies, with A hint off coffee, based on the 'Javaantjes.' receipe, and the dough is getting solid in my refridgerator at the moment, while I feel like waking up for the entire day, I guess. 😋 It's going to give me A headache to cut out all 40 to 50 cookies I'm capable to get out off this dough, according to the receipe. I did some shopping this morning for ingredients for my cookies, and I believe that's about it for getting out off my appartment for today. I'm about to cut star, moon and round-shapes out off this dough. Three shapes, easier than to decide for about 40 to 50 diffrent shapes, which is fun, but which can unfortunately be a bit too much for my concentration system at the moment. I just hope I can stick to the 'only after spiritual rituals.' rule with these, otherwise I think about preparing two boxes, one for the ending off spiritual rituals, and one with cookies to snack on, and giving A good share off them to the Upcycling. (I think that won't truly be A hard challenge, with over 40 cookies out off this dough.) I think coffee with chocolate cookies are an excellent, delicious choice for the year to 'wake up a little.' (That's the thought behind preparing cookies with A coffee-taste.) I was about to make them yesterday, at the first off january, and I believe this ritual's ending will be A good choice, but I'm not someone who does rituals all the time, though I decided to be more accurate with the solistic celebrations and full moon rituals this year. I don't believe in over-spelling faith in life. Which has happened to me, and which has caused me too much drama and missery. (I'm aware off it.) 😓
I do, believe however, in supporting the cycli off the planet, and celebrating ancient rituals during the year round, for luck, insights and A good harvest. There is A saying which goes: 'Once A witch, always A witch.' And I'm one off the few people who has awakened inherrited gifts. (Sometimes I think off getting better skilled in true magic. which excists, but I'm also aware, that I can't go out asking just any teacher if they are willing to teach me in this. There are A lot off scam teachers in magic. At times like this, I believe the world misses A school in true magic, to teach gifted, born witches and to help them develop their skills. 😉 Something like hogwarts, but then for real people, would be ideal, I think an actuall magic school, however, won't be anything like the famous school from the Harry Potter books. True magic is A burden to bear, if you can do it. If it's too hard to handle, or awakened in yourself uncontrolled, it sucks to have this gift. (And I, unfortunately, know what I'm stating here.) I'm glad, however, that witches can freely live in this nation. As it's mainly ruled by high-educated atheïsts, who think you're just talking nonsense if you tell you are 'truly gifted.' With something that mainly excists in people's minds. I think I better stop about real magic for now. To get drained too deep in this subject, is pretty dangerous (for me) either. And I'm already running low on energy- I sleep awfull these nights.
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I feel A lot off pressure, even in making appointments with no one but myself, about living more consequent and to have better meals, I'm not easy to raise neatly, not even for myself, and the pressure off anything (Even if it's fun.) Is so nerve-wrecking... I feel guilty about to have had breakfast with about 8 oliebollen, I ate with Agave syrup and cinnamon sugar (Since I'm out off powdred sugar.) and three big mugs off fresh coffee this morning. (Oliebollen / oilballs, are some sort off A round doughnut dutch people eat at new year's eve. It's everything but healthy. They're traditionally served with powdered sugar.) Everyone always has A lot off them left after new year's eve. I bought myself A bag for the occasion, which I warmed up in the oven only today. Well, at least I'm not starved for this morning, but- The perfectionist and the nerve wrecked weirdo in me don't approve off to have had such A breakfast. You know what, I'm going to get myself A healthy lunch with A side-salad off mixed vegetables. A few boiled eggs, brown buns and fresh ham. That's not so bad. And I'll be thankfull to myself. I feel my head is bouncing and causing me headaches, it tolls and goes round and round and -hurts- all the time, from new year's eve, and visiting my mom yesterday. New year's eve was too much off A trigger this painfull year. To be honest, I would barely be supprised if I end up with a delusional episode the upcomming months, as the entire year has been awfull, stressfull and mentally nerve-wrecking. It wasn't my best year. I'm glad it's truly done, however. I decided to be A good person again for this year, 2019, last off the '10's.' decade. (Which has been quite damaging to everything in my life. The style-period was beautifull, but- everything that has happened to me, was horrendous, painfull, and has done damage to my mental systems, you wouldn't do to your worst enemie- if you are A bit off A well-thinking, sane person, however.) I believe I'd beat the system, in not paying for their set up crisis in Europe, but- It's for me about time not to let the system beat me, and get A bit back in the working-day life. For my own personal calmth. (I know it's better for me that way.)
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chit-chatting this blog full with interesting talk is fun, and telling you all about life is either. I believe I did well, to remove my blog about imaginatoiry mister 'Nuts.' today, as having someone in your mind is not dangerous, but to state it online somewhere and people making fun off you about it, however, is. I'd be glad if I can make it alive to school this upcomming March, and get A certificate in A basic course for book-keeping. I'm aware that this may not sound like A lot, but I- believe I have A bit more to keep on to, than if I wouldn't do it.
I'm about to make A belated lunch.
I hope to see you all back soon.
XXX.-
Maaike.
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