Good afternoon at the 16th off February, 2026.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold and grey in The Netherlands. 

*

I already set up my Easter Branch, and other Easter decorations, very cute, very deliberate early. I was pretty early with my Easter Branch, it has all kinds off decorations from previous year onto it, and it's in an old vase. 

It's snowing outside at times. It's still February, but we got an early Easter. 

I'm in a phase off over-reactive acting, I'm not myself, I'm hyper-energetic, doing all sorts off things, over-shopping, spending too much money. It's not good for me. I already foresee it's going to go wrong with me one day, and I should take it easy instead. Take it more calmly, simply not over-do things. I'm off minded and I believe I'm delusional. I'm acting weird. I can't sleep well at night, this morning was for 02.00 AM awake, and 05.00 AM showering. It's like that, -Like that. I know more psychiatric patients got this. My head is crowded, too full to read novells or write poetry. I try to cook simple yet healthy receipes to set off my mind, like apple sauce and tomato soup. I do a lot, but it's not much off a set off. It's over-reactive and strange. Like with this, it's hard and close to obsessive. Not preferable. I got a strange tense. I have to take it more easy. Like a stressed chicken. 

I'm already proud I got my Easter decorations on, it's early, but last year I did not do so at all. Out off some sort off grump. Maybe I do feel a bit guilty about that. Luckily the Elders still like what I cook, Often I cook for my friend, the retired zookeeper, he says my food is delicious. The tomato soup got approved off, luckily I'm not so far off I don't know what I'm doing in the kitchen anymore. But cooking every day would be too much to handle. I'm lucky to live in a care home. It's done for me three times a week. And they make delicious foods. Life is tough, but it's manageable. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good morning at the 16th off February, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today it's freezing cold with snow on the streets. 

*

It's monsters! It's irresistable, fuzzy, cozy, fluffy green and purple HEMA hug-monsters! 

I purchased them as gifts for my brothers, my brothers are only about two or three years younger than me,  about 30 and 31, so it might seem a bit stange to random strangers why I would do this. But we always have been sorta geeky. So it's not a bad thing to do funny, random stuff like this as gifts. I think these are sooo cute. 💖 Simply to give them away is a good idea. They come from HEMA's, and by the end off the week I will attend to my famiy and I will have some nice gifts for them. 

I have been feeling off these weeks, bad in my skin, delusional, bad sleep, I watch my food, but it's mainly normal food. I feel emotional and gloomy, and I'm often moody and a bit emotional. I keep on having delusions about being followed, It's winter and the snow makes me a bit frightned, about not being into reach for delivery services like PicNic for groceries. Fear is a deep emotion in me, we're kinda stuck in here when it snows. I have been up ever since 02.00 AM, I just showered, I could not catch sleep anymore. Worrying sucks. It shows on my skin. I'm growing old.... Time stands still and passes by, nothing moves with. I'm just growing old. I maintain to look young, but I feel older than I am. On the inside, I feel as old as the mountains, while on the outsde, I'm as young as a breeze. I should maintain youth on my face. It's a waste to look too old on my face. I like the idea off myself as an ageless vampire. Somewhere around 26, I stopped ageing and  I still look stunning. It's perfect.. It's not to complain about, you'd mistake me for a 26 year old if you'd see me. I'm proud I maintained such good health, I would like to stay that way, really pricking out eyes off people my age with this stunt. They live so unhealthy... I would be karma to their face if they'd see me, all young and pretty while passing by. It would be perfect. I may sound like a bitch, but I'd think that would be so funny. If I would maintain good sleep, and be certain medication grants me long live and vitality. If you want to know, I do all these things most people don't do volunteerly and usually dislike or hate. Like eating as good as all vegetables and fruits, little snacking, no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no make-up, no sugar in coffee or tea, no high-processed drinks, those sort off things. It's just that I'm medical obese, but with bloodtest results to be proud off. And I adjusted the gym every once a week to it. I feel proud off living healthy. It's just mental issues, being mental a bit moody and bad in skin. And offcourse, that impossible plus-size. I hope the gym will work against it.                                                                                                                                                             

Allright,   

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 10th off February, 2026.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was grey and gloomy in general. 

*

Not much off a man in sight... No one really watches.... it's always been the same... But hence, this year my mom will be my Valentine. I purchased a handmade gift from de Boed for her, I haven't visited in a long time, and soon I'm about to visit. 

This cute heart was handmade by the handcraft team at de Boed, a small community centre in The Netherlands, specialized in psychiatric patients. It's small, it was 1,50 euro's only, but it's heartfelt. I think it's one off the best items in it's price class. 

I wrapped it with wrapping paper from my storage room. It's been in there for quite long. And offcourse it's a mess, since I'm bad at wrapping, but it's always done with love. and hence, I did not even have heart- themed or valentine themed wrapping paper. But maybe for a mom, this is suitable. I think mom will like it, (or heart it😉)  De Boed's gift shop is perfect for a small budget. It's Iet Petite's Valentines day. But I got a small, deep brown suspicion it's appreciated. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good morning at the 4th off February, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's dark and cold outside. 

*

I'm in a period where I'm not doing well. My mental state is pretty lame at the moment, I suspect I'm severe delusional at the moment. It's not really going well. I had to take emergency medication for two times now. I think I'm spied upon in the computer all the time, but what the hell are they looking for in my system? And one off these spies is familiair.... honesty, my docuents are pretty lame, and behind - I can't afford a good windows version for several years, so it's a bit crap they're after when they are after something artistic I've made. Not really sane. It's a bit off a household computer. It's not off importance in my opinion for the far wide world what's on. But the rats in the attic ('Geouwehoer op zolder.' Zoals dat in het Nederlands heet.) better stay away, or something in me is not right. The idea makes me unstable.  I'm a mental patient, I think I have vermin in the computer. It's good enough for a ton off delusions and haunting scenario's my mind makes about it. But what the hell is after sick old me? To be honest, I think it even can't do damage if they're after this old crap. 

Thoughts... Thoughts... I'm over-thinking on it, and on heavy medication for it. More emergency medication since it's not handy to me. It's asking too much off me to handle something does that. I should get a clue on how to keep them out, but it's difficult. They are NOT welcome. 

Either that, or I could use a good amount off help. It's at that state off being. I'm not doing well from it. but I would not expect them to be after me. It looks delusional. How to stay sane despite this? And Who the Hell cares about my documents? I suspect them to be after my documents, but they won't find anything in there. Let me tell them that ahead. Most off it is creative content and old. It's stupid to be after that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 29th off January, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy outside. 

*

I'm Hekate's apprentice, She knew what to do with me, Love and motherhood godesses are a diffrent kind. I'm not like most women, I'm diffrent, I have been following a dark path and got many scars. I'm not much off a love goddess. I would call upon Venus, and it feels like I have to get to know it a bit better. It's not like it's easy with me. 

When it's Valentine's day, I rather would work in the kitchen to set my mind off off things, and make world's best creamy mustard soup, quark taarten or perfect cookies, and not feel it that much. When you work, you do not feel it so much. It's not a big deal to work a kitchen for 28 people, create magic with food or enchant the crowd at fantasy events, but to have a boyfriend? Oh, help- That's not my department. I'm stupid when it comes to that. I'm NOT easy. 

It's always been my wish to bake my love a batch off Valentine's cookies. I have been over-posting an image off home made love cookies around some time, but it never came to it. 'De liefde van de man gaat door de maag.' Like they say, Or at least the lonely hearts club at de Boed has a treat. I'm desperately stupid when it comes to seduction. Not that I'm unatractive- I have rumors on my ass that I'm too ugly for love, but let's be honest, it just never worked a certain way. Pluto in Capricorn era made me work my ass off for a certain standard off wealth. I still don't look like a Venus' follower. I barely do make-up, I'm wretched and sarcastic. Recently Hekate found a way to show me she was my protection godess, with dreams and insights. I rather believe in natural beauty, and keeping your skin healthy and your face naturally pretty. But it's not the standards. I'm a magician rather than a lover. I feel so strange sometimes when it comes to love. I'm not a talent for it. But it ain't so bad, I did not waste my life. I dedicated it to working on myself, exploring my talents and developing a set off skills that came in very handy. It's NOT wasted on self-pity, doubt and sadness. I'm just not fit as a lover. I believe in things we can controll rather than love. -MEN, forget about it,- but the world is saved!  Something along those lines. It's not too bad being a spinster, truly, I can live. I would not enlower myself for lust or love, and I don't take bad sides or standards for an answer. I respect myself enough for that. It's fun being still single as a pagan, we do what people should do instead off mocking. But yes, Hekate knows what to do with me, Venus is a diffrent story. I still don't feel completely at ease when calling upon her. I just don't know what to serve the Lonely Heartsclub this year. Last year it was Mr. Ed's potato cake. Delicious for what it was. But sugar bakings are not allowed anymore. And we don't do soup for lunch anymore. It's a bit dry this year. It's a bit baling. Something delicious to heal our lonely hearts. Most people at de Boed don't have someone in their lives. But a treat would make it less sour. This year they don't even have valentine's cookies from store with our coffee. It's just fruit they allow. It's the health and sugar policy. Maybe I should adapt to it, since baking has become expensive, as forbidden as love between a jew and a muslim at de Boed, and looked upon ungratefull. It's like Forbidden Love. It's impossible to make it happen. 

But I'm thinking about what to do that day instead off being sour. How to keep my head up without a treat. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 28th off January, 2026.

 Good evening everyone, 

*

I will hereby confirm I will attend at the Faun concert at the Amsterdam Forest upcoming 24th off July, Yes, I will be there. At Faun. It looked too tempting, and sometimes I got voices off Niel Mitra and Oliver Sa Tyr inviting me personally there. I obeyed, so I ordered a ticket, and I will be there. I was doing the dishes at de Boed, like always, and it was as if Niel Mitra popped up to invite me personally to the concert, and then, the next day at dinner in my own home, Oliver Sa Tyr asked me to come. It started talking to me, so I purchased a ticket. Yes, I will go somewhere for the first time in such a long time. 

A question, what would you do if you got your heart broken by a captain from a ship, and you so would not know what to do with yourself afterwards? Given things have already been on since school, but by then no one was allowed to know. It's a memory from some time ago, I started talking to him on Facebook, but he rejected. While I found myself pretty brave for confessing. It's been painfull, and I'm so stupid in getting over with things. I overtalked it with mental health care staff. It worked to get rid off painfull edges. I could have picked one off my friends, that would have made me much easier, but I found that guy a bit more interesting and sexy. But I'm stupid for the way I have done it. I have been overthinking him a lot, overthinking, like, I think we got more in common than you realise, but I never had the chance to open up about who I really am. It's been a phillosophicall matter over a love matter almost, just, discussing subjects, politics, style, music, why are you not religious? And you are sooo handsome, why aren't we a thing? But that's for not being honest  about being pagan at school. Things got so complicated, but seem so impossible now. He pops up in my mind sometimes, and sometimes I think I have a 'green man.' with his image after me, seeing him in other people. It's lightly annoying but it follows me while it got shut down. Open up and talk about myself has never been possible. I got delusional about the matter, it's annoying. But that's what I do- when things go wrong, it keeps on spinning in my mind. And I'm an overthinker. I don't really know his personality, it just seems pretty lame by now. I have been hiding myself ever since forever at school, and started to open up and transform into a better person during the years afterward. I just soo wish I could tell him. But I think I might get accused of stalking when I try again. 'I'm not desperate, but you are on my mind. I think I got a soft spot for you, you are inspiring.' It's more personal and important than just a flirt. The Green Man doesn't make it easy. 

Today I got a bit air from the subject, and I started to paint tulips at participation, instead off hazes off waterpaint, trying to get to a certain point. And my tulips will be sold on cards, at de Boed's shop. I got a total hit with it. Maybe from talking about it with care staff, and a cleared mind about the past. I got a breakthrough, and miracles did happen as we speak. I'm going to be printed on postcards. My past does not hurt so much anymore. I got air, and I draw flowers. Zaandijk Beltaine. Spring in Zaandijk lends itself perfectly for Beltaine with all it's beautifull flowers. Dutch tulips, daffodils and blossoms are perfect for it. I got a small park, being in total bloom during the may month, when the sun is in Taurus and the full moon is in Scorpio, and it was inspiring for this art project, it was almost as if there was magic in the air here. If it's a set, It's name should be 'Zaandijk Beltaine.' But I think I should tame it a little bit down for the common audience. So it's better off as 'Tulips.' I felt like a little Zaandijk Benzaiten (The Japanese godess off beauty, inspiration and art.) When creating them. There was totally magic in the air when painting them. They will be printed and sold for 1 euro's each in our shop. 'Get usefull!' 'Word zinnig!' Well, today I totally was. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

How not to get desperate

 Good evening everyone, 

How not to get desperate? Life gives you lemons, love won't befall you, you might be a bit behind- What to do with yourself when it's like that? 

Get yourself moving! Up and onward, and even more over the top. Like Nigella Lawson says. It's important not to be at home all the time, but to go out and do fun stuff. Cinema's, Sports, walks, forest walks, -energy- to keep from being broken. 

I got Schizophrenia, and I'm always broken hearted from the past. But what am I to do? To die in here? Women in my position should not let themselves be held back, life is too short for that. Do fun stuff, move onward, let the music move you and be passionate. 

I'm off bad health, and I can't pass the genes. I'm unhealthy and it's difficult. But we should move onward. Wear cool outfits. Dance a Peacock Boogie and be witches, no matter where we come from. I'm a blend off genes and backgrounds, it all comes down to Dutch, sobriety and farmlands mainly, but people would heir mental diseases and a bad body from me if I would have children. I don't allow myself to have them. But do I have a soul? A soul that needs to be fed, with style, going out, Like poetry, Like magic, music, energy off the gods. I don't care if I'm a blend, I think I'm interesting the way I am. I feel like iron on an anvil, being beaten and shaped by heavy hammers off life all the time. I got my scars, doesn't make me less off a person. I'm a survivor with bad mental health, a backpack and a bad history and a negative reputation. I'm as good as a veteran. Mental health institute veteran with battle scars. But I'm not an addict, still the fellow clients sometimes adress me that way, and they loved my cooking for them. I'm 33, but they say I served dignit. If that means something, Usually I'm too innocent for that kind off mental health. Sometimes it's a suprise I did not die. I'm not death. It's a miracle I'm alive. As good as it gets. To let myself not die, I like to spice it up a bit, with style. Like 'We deserve it.' 'I deserve it.' Or 'I'm worthit.' Like L'oreal once said. I don't like L'oreal, due to animal testing, but it's totally the clue. We should be ourselves, move onward and go out! It works!

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.