Good morning at the 15th off June, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

The weather has cooled down a bit, it's less hot than yesterday. I hope I can take it better today. 

*

Some people have no respect for me anymore at all, they keep on pointing out to me as a 'him.' or 'he.' While I'm actually a 'her.' or a 'she.' And it comes from their idea off femininity I don't display. I'm something more fierce. But I think those idiots at Vana Events are so disrespectfull, it deserves a weblog to point that out at you. 

I'm a woman, but inside I feel as strong as a man. The power off a man, but I'm truly feminin. I don't like what they do and catcall me as a 'he.' to make me ugly or stupid. They bully me with it and it's stupid. I rather want them to take on me a bit normal, but usually they treat me like romans would treat a celt without rights. Very scandalous. Respectless, not worthit to listen to. They think they can do anything to me without having to owe up for it or appologize afterward. To stay safe, I left. I think it's a form off respectless violence I can't take. War against my dignity after stating the truth. That's what it is, it's all against my dignity, so they don't have to take me serious and can get away with whatever they want to put me through. It's really horendous and dangerous for me to be there. It hurts. 

Do you think I should keep my mouth shut over it? Well, forget it. This should be stated and Vana should not get away with this abuse. It's a form off unforgivable abuse. And they're not sacred, They should behave respectfull once more. They're too high in their head for propper respect. And they're not dirty off bullying themselves. I think they're not above anything. I think To kick an ass is legid. Outcalling me a 'he.' over not grooming with a lake off make-up they wish to have made money over, like they do, or what they would like to see, makes them stupid. I'm more No Nonsense with my look. Make-up is not my holy grail in being pretty. I wear more common clothes, my face is natural but fine, and I'm not going on a diet, more than I already am. And my hair looks a bit slouchy compared to them. I feel relaxed with it. I don't need to doll up that much for how I like it. But I'm not a 'him.' or a 'he.' That makes them superficial and arrogant. Someone should tell that organisation tut to shut up. I feel better when I'm laid back with looks. I don't like the idea to be forced to wear make-up. Usually I don't wear it at all. It's my preference. No make-up, it would clogg your pores all the time, and causes acne and pimples if you wear it waaay too much. It's more healthy to let skin breathe. It's not my preference to wear it too much. On a daily base, I don't wear it at all. I rather keep my skin clean and healthy. 

But it's so superficial to outcall me over not wearing make-up and be more laid back with how I look. It's as if they want to put confidence for themselves out off that. It's stupid. I feel fine with not dying my hair for 6 months, while they almost force you to do so every week. Really, I haven't dyed ever since February, but it's got a haircut and it's clean. I regulairly wash. It's my choice for it to be like this. I don't like to be outcalled as a 'him.' over it. Or to be offenced any further with it. 

I'm fine with the way I am. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

    

 

      

 

Good evening at the 13th off June, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has really been a hot day outside in The Netherlands. 

*

Scapegoat... That's what they make me. It's not real. Vana has it in their head to declare me and everything I touch ugly or distastefull. That's how they try to keep their head up high towards their audience. But it's wrecking reality. False information, Fake news, playing the audience- to a point where they don't get it anymore and start to believe that. 

I'm not ugly, but I'm not much off a style guru. I rather want it natural and soft with my looks. I believe in clean over made up. Those filthy slouches are just jealouse off my looks. And they want to make you believe I'm ugly because I can pass without make-up, and I'm actually more clean than they are. What they sell you is lies and fake. 

Just like hating Omnia and saying they can't play music. Omnia being on the black list doesn't mean they can't play good music anymore. It's just Vana's dumb way off keeping their heads up. I rather want you to think for yourself than to follow this stupid propaganda. 

Vana could also finally admit they have always been wrong, and appologize towards me for everything. But by now I know those childish jerks will never do that. They will spread more hate instead. Please, keep a clear mind- And don't follow that nonsense. They haven't formed a wickerbeast in 2017 after my image over nothing. Me being ugly out off nowhere feels like the scam off the day. In the beginning, when I was still around, There was no princess like me according to them. It makes me a little insecure in times where my clothes are a little more cheap. If they shove it up to a cheaper appearance, they are actually mean jerks with no heart to begin with. Please don't believe them. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 18th off May, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been a cloudy and cold day in The Netherlands. 

*

It's Ed the dragonslayer, the coolest man from the entire pagan scene, and I believe my feelings for him where a mistake. It's been a mistake. 'I'm sorry, it's wrong.' And a bit shallow, and normie-based the way I felt it. 'I think it's best not to...' At least nothing happened. I kept my purity, and my pride, and no one can claim they have done stuff with me for real. It has not happened. There's no evidence, no where ever. It's all gossip and stupidity if someone claims so. Not a single soul has the rights and the true evidence for an accident. It has NOT taken place. It's more likely I saw UFO's 14 years ago than that someone there has messed with me. Gossip is just stupid. 

It's my goal to keep on looking everybody here in the eye, and knowing I'm innocent. That's my true story. I can't break the heart off our elders, care takers and fellow clients. My purity is almost a trade mark. Anyone who claims diffrent is actually a pathetic pervert. I'm so much better than them. If we would set true, honest standards, I would be far above them. And that's the truth. 

'You can claim things, you can act mafioso, but there are eyes... eyes off the divine to watch you.' 'If you have things, done certain things, talked certain things, they are there to see.' Maybe the audience takes crap, the divine doesn't. And I'm certain they respect me. with a fairness that might now seem strange to you. But it's not. I believe in Karma. Having to remove the forum after my prediction came out is pure Karma for example. 

It's another day in another world for you and me, and then we'll see. Did I make myself clear? 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

 

Good evening at the 9th off May, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's a sunny and warm day outside in The Netherlands. 

*

Really, do I get it right? The day Mark banned me, was the day they all resentlessly banned me, started to spit on me, and slutshame me. It was really ruthless, unforgiving and too sharp to fully get. I never understood. At least, not what I was supposed to be. I believed mankind and morals to be a bit softer than what they portray. It sucks, and it hurts and hell has frozen my heart. It's not what I intened, but they are too difficult, and too stupid. 

And I was a bit stupid, for not understanding. Thinking things could be talked and done over. Untill it was right. But it's so unforgiving and cruel, it's murder for the mind. I did not understand how cruel these bitches where back then. I never fully undersrtood untill recent, I always thought it could be made truly right somehow. 

But it's so cruel and unforgiving, and it doesn't look like Vana at all. But it sure was Vana that did so. Vana has hurted me a murderous amount. And what do they know? I stand alone against them. It's so many people. I can't solve it. And it's so cruel. I became so sick over it, delusional, heartbroken, misunderstood, slutshamed, left outside alone, and made bigger and worse than I am. I lost my face big time over it. It was terrible. It felt like too much, I lost this game, and I could have lost my life over it. Given what happened in those desperate delusions, where I run alone from home moonstruck. I did not get support from anyone, they all abandoned me. 

No one helped me out, they all told me to shut up for Castlefest sake. It was cruel, unfair, and cowardly from the rest. But they all blindly followed Vana. It hurts so badly to have been treated so cruel. It looks so nice, but it's all ice, snow and venom underneath in them. I could not handle it back then. I finally start to understand what it contained, and how big it is and was. I never felt that. I never felt it that right. I always flew somewhat above it. my heart wasn't in it. I did not understand. I could not understand why or how. It's been too mean. I have been right to leave. It can't be solved. The unworldliness off this pain is what stands out. I'm not like them. they are cruel people with no heart. They are the cruelest people with a shallow smile and an empty heart. They are not what they pretend to be. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 23th off April, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's cold and dark outside in The Netherlands. 

*

The sore was almost off yesterday, but I felt it came back really badly. I almost made the appointment for a weekend at mom's. I have to call off from pain again. It's 01.30 at night, and I got out off bed from a stomach ache, and the sore on my side makes it impossible to sleep on my side. 

He's victimizing me, and it takes too long. It places such a stamp on me and my life and it's a heavy burden while I'm the innocent party in here. He has had that slut for several years, but he outcalls me ugly and scum all the time. He doesn't let me go in it, I'm not granted a second or even a seventh chance with any other man. It's just him and my feelings are not important. It's oppressive and humiliating and I feel so oppressed by Yoram again. I wish he made me free to choose someone else over him, like I was supposed to do all the time. He just doesn't let me while banging that slut. It's all me to blame, and they all call me ugly for no reason nowadays, while at first I was the prettiest girl in the world. I'm always the one to blame, to be kept low, while that gladjakker with his big dick gets away with everything. It's been unfair from the beginning on. I'm NOT the one to blame, It's NOT right. And I wish to continue my life in freedom and with equal rights to anyone. Not these rights to be scampted and dominated all the time by this giant dick off a man. And his prissy yet dominant followers. 

He should let me go, instead off sucking out my blood like a first class parasite. 

And people should realize and accept we are not a set, and it has never been there. People where so convinced we where 'the thing.' But in the end it wasn't, and I never wanted to. It was actually really scarry to be pressed in such a corner. They did not want to see the truth from my side. We are not a thing, and for my mental peace, we are better not since I never could stand the man. He's too stupid for me. Deal with it. They should finally move on and let me go. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

Good morning at the 18th off March, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's a cold, romantic night in the Netherlands. Nothing is on in my life with that, but cold nights in a warm home can be romantic. It's either that, or it's pretty hard to bear. I think this night isn't so bad, so let's call it romantic.

*

I have a voice in my head: 'You better come up with something nice to blog about. Something really nice to read.' I hear him saying, usually I'm a bit on the negative side. But I can't help it at this point. Life ain't all sunshine and roses for me at the moment. I'm not negative or positive, but rather a realist. Which makes me negative at the moment. Given this time and day off age. I rather see things from a realistic point off vieuw. It helps me to keep on going, to the right direction and to land on my feet and stay safe. It's the way to go when you're a lonesome girl in a big, mean world. So I might sound a bit negative at times. I doubt if I was a guy, I also had to explain myself. Men can be as shamefully sarcastic as they please without hesitation. Especially on the internet. I find them hilarious. I love to read a good sarcastic rant. But it's just a voice in my head. Maybe it's good advice, but you could also deny their point off vieuw and not take them serious. Like any critic. 

I could also deny Vana when they say what I do in the kitchen in private is unemancipated. In their opinion, it's a typicall gender role. I'm in denial. It's my hobby and my pride to cook. I call it Ikigai when I have a good day, and it ends up delicious or above average good. I'm not forced by people to bake. I find their allegations, especially towards me personal, horrendous. But I'm not forced to bake banana cake. It's no statement against emancipation, it's pride, just like most cool hobbies. I do so volunteerly with heart and soul. I just think Vana excists off lazy slouches who are afraid to cook well themselves. At a certain point, I even followed food trends and would call myself a foodie. I came up with cool, delicious things a few years ago when it still wasn't too pricey to experiment, and companies came out with good food ingredients and great receipes all the time, when being a foodie was a cool thing. And yes, I inherited a lot off talent from my dad. In my case, it's been my loving father who taught me the basics off cookery, not my mom. What I really hate, people who nag I should not cook. I think they're afraid to stick out their own hands in the kitchen, and rock it like Nigella Lawson like I try. It's not a matter off emancipation, it's a matter off love for cooking. 

It's also love for making the table, and make it look presentable, like Martha Stewart. I love nice tableware, and it's allowed to look a bit decadent and old fashioned. But sure, pretty. maybe a bit frumpy, but that's because not much people my age try to do so. It's just that I love how you can make great food look that way. Like an acte de prescence that gives it just that little extra. You could slouch it on any boring plate and eat, or you could situate it nicely on something romantic, and you can dine. I love that. I'm not unemancipated, it's just that the kitchen is my personal pride. A romantic hobby. And I'm not forced by anyone. It's all done volunteerly. I feel I don't want to give it up to anyone. It's something I love. I hate how household shops in the Netherlands like V&D and Blokker go bankrupt throughout the times, I loved to spot nice dishware there every often. It's just became too pricey to change all the time. Otherwise you could see better what I intend. Tableware can be boring, it can also be state off the art, or romantic like mine, to beat a dreary and depressing day. I might have changed tableware more often and be more off a stylist with it if it wasn't so expensive. Now I do with these. But hence, again a rant to confirm the narrow minded dining like me is not a bad idea. I think being boring in the kitchen and on the table and defending it like Vana is a bit narrow minded. It's not emancipation, it's their own stupidity and lazyness that makes them think this way. To me it's decadent pride. Especially during these times. Vana is just irreligious slouches who don't know any better. That's my opinion. I'm not forced to do this. It's just love for the subject. They better deal with it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

 

 

Good morning at the 2nd off March, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

Tonight it's cold outside in The Netherlands. 

*

Today is not for sharing a baking, since I had a friend over for a tea visit yeaterday. I had too little time to bake something. But I think it's not that much off an issue. And little do we have to celebrate. People can sign in their tax forms. Whooptiedo. It's really not much off a festive weekend, also taking in consideration what happened in the Oval office related to world peace. I think to have baked would have been inapropriate. Simply to have had someone over for tea is not a crime. But my fellow clients hopefully will get it. Though I think I'm going to hear they miss it today. 

I'm a bit sensitive for what's appropriate, and what isn't. I try not to be unsensitive or ignorant with things. Most off the times I care, untill I realize it's a waste off my energy and it stops. Sometimes I'm a bit hard headed in that. It's important to care, and be capable to take care. If not for someone else, then certainly for one's self. We should not be selfish, spoiled and indulged, but the basics for life need maintaining. Even in these times. It's important to care enough for yourself to do it. 

I think Natasha Marchal only cares for the make-up and the lipstick I wear. Not for the message and the blogs I have written about her. Shallow and empty hearted as she always has been. My beauty doesn't depend on make-up. And it's not the latest limited edition in make-up that gets you there. She wish she could get it with make-up. But that's all she cares about. In my head, I saw people caking on thick layers off vulgair make-up after my previous blog, thinking they could get close to look like me that way. (But it's a diffrent kind off beauty. Simply to splurge make-up for it is not my thing.) Not even caring about what I said. I think Natasha Marchal is jealouse at my beauty, thinks Mark is in love with me, and can't stand me for that reason. It's such a tut. And she doesn't listen to what I have to say. That itches most about it from my side. It's not the Catrice limited edition that does it. But I think there's no sane conversation possible with that woman. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

 

 

Good morning at the 1st off March, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today promises to be dreary and cold. 

*

Natasha Marchal thinks, or rather forcefully would insist, I would forgive her the owl wicker from 2014. That owl was a scam. It was as if she was scapegoating me, and it was really screwing me over after I made up my mistakes with Mark in private messages. That's what happened, and then they came up with that really insultive owl. It was not right what they did with it. As if it was another snitch to me personally. It's not forgiven. It was really offensive and she should have known better than to put up such an insult after things to have been sensitivily to have been made up. At least with her husband, since such an insult is enough to put on the weblog again. Just like her snatchy remark at Keltfest 2015. She was utmost mean towards me on both events. Back in your cage, bitch! And forget it, we're not friends, and appearently, we never have been. I'm so happy I can state that freely on my own weblog, and Vana Events isn't a dictatorship with actuall powers in the real world. Where I'm free to speak. Power comes with responsibility, and actually sensing what's right and what isn't. What you can and can not do. Not everything is legit. 

Natasha Marchal may appear weak, but it's all nasty cruel meanness underneath. She's not what she appears to be. She's ink black evil on the inside and you should know. It's not what everyone thinks she is. It's no miracle Mark divorced the evil snake. She's really venomous. And she should behave. Knowing what and what not to say when something is sensitive. You can't put up everything towards me. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

  

Good evening at the 7th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and cloudy in the Netherlands. 

*

Mark van der Stelt is too coward to accept loss off face. I'm right, I've always been from the start, but that aso is too coward to admit to a large group off people. Knowing they will ditch him or think and talk bad off him. Though it's nothing less than what he deserves. I have been right in private messages, and it was true. Vana had been rude towards me about not even hearing what I had to say about my failure, and not admitting in the first place I have a hiccup in my system which made me fail. Not admitting, not appologizing, letting me walk around with that deep shame and mark on my head off a bimbo, a slut, an attention whore, and not hearing me for real. Fighting for justice sake is hard. Especially with these monsters on my neck, and the entire alternative scene thinking I'm bad. But it's not true. I feel powerless and treated unfair. And Mark should mind his words. They where not hearing me fairly, and are now ashamed and afraid off what happens if they lose their face towards the audience. I think that's the fairest thing to happen to me, after 14 years off big injustice. The coward should have publicly appologized towards me, and made that bitch off an ex- wife off his shut up. 

Vana is a bunch off cowardly rats, big in slutshaming and shoving a fake reason in my face, very bad in admitting their own fault. A knife cuts on two sides. But I'm not willing to take my share anymore. It's their mistake now. I've tried all the time to make it up, but those cowards where not open for it to begin with, always shoving Peppie in my face. But that dumbass is not the real reason. He's abused as a reason and proud to be a boogieman towards me. He's just part off the injustice. And Faust is a nightmare. I think I better stay out off their business from now on. But I think we better don't keep it a secret, and cowards who do injustice should be punished. I think my name should be cleared from this guilt. It's not there, I'm not guilty and I've never been. It's always been Pepijn and Mark. I've never intended to ruin things. I was just right. Did I fight for it instead off sticking my head in the sand? I sure did. But who is treated like an animal? Not them. It's always one big show off make-believe. After your money nowadays, all spirit is gone in my opinion. I don't make friends by not wishing to be blind. I rather speak the truth and give them some off my thoughts. This is a free world, the law in this country holds space for that. Mark is a coward who should have lost his face over mine. Not the other way around. I lost my face, and what for? Unfairness and lies, and their will to follow empty pleasure instead off standing by real justice. They're not to trust. They're after robbing your money, and massive upbring nowadays. Anyone with a purpose would ditch them. And stand by truth. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good morning at the 22nd off January, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's the death off night, but it's promising to become as cold and misty as yeaterday. It's almost haunted outside. 

*

I can't sleep. There's something in the air. Today will be for tidying my kitchen. There's not much else to do. It's not the greatest foresight one can have, but the result should be good. Clean kitchen, space for more cooking. And the great feeling off a clean surface. It's still messed up from dinner last night. It's messy still. I can't immediately clean after dinner, I need the moening after to do so. Usually I'm too tired at night after eating. I'm not a brilliant home maker. But I do my utmost best at the moment. It's usually with a little help. And it's important enough to notice on here. I got a lovely home, it's nicely furnitured and decorated, so I like to keep it clean and groomed. I'm far from perfect at it, but maintaining this is bliss. I swear, your own home is bliss. 

Faun will attempt The Netherlands this September, and since I'm the big Super Diva everyone is waiting to see there, I better deny getting there on this weblog. I won't be there. The last time was a disaster, it's where my missery with Vana started. So to avoid situations and nasty people, I better don't show up there and keep my ass out off trouble. Faun was something from a previous life. I won't be there. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading. 

A golden age for alternatives and rock

 Good evening everyone, 

The 2030's will be a golden age for rock and alternatives, including the Fantasy subculture. 

I see Faun winning an Edison award for best album, 

I see rock becomming just as much an official classic music style like opera 

I see fantasy items you would before only find at events being sold in common home deco stores 

I see some Fantasy novels becomming official literature. 

It's something that starts, probably, when Uranus is in Cancer, and the war and the crisis are done.Fantasy  Gothic becomes THE It-style for fashionista's that decade. 

It's such reccomendation for what they have done. And the world can't deny it anymore: This is official culture. And the Fantasy Gothic Rock people are the artists. Mind my words, it's going to happen, it will be a period off bloom for them. 

It's just that during the 2040's the hype is over. And people will lean towards orange and green. Really, it's going to feel insane how much reccommendation the scene will get during the 2030's. It's incredible. 

If I would have been in school during that era, I would have dared to speak up about my interest to people. While I kept quiet during my younger years, afraid to be beaten up or bullied, or left out by them. I never told them Elfia saved my soul. But during the 2030's, I think ordinairy people, where 'alternative.' and 'subculture.' lies very sensitive, can openly brag about such things. I never had the guts to. 

It's sad how it's now the other way around, and real life keeps me from the mental havock from events. The scene doesn't work for me. So I prefer to stay away from them, and live in relatively peace. I can miss being demonized like a hole in the head. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 9th off September, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was the last nice day according to weather forecasts, we're at the beginning off a period off Autumn, cold and rain. 

*

I'm on period pills, pills that are supposed to cause a woman's menstruation period. And I feel it. I'm emotionally kinda wobbly. And I'm mentally wobbly. Kinda stressed these days. I could do better. 

Maybe they will call Dirty Blonde hair Mayonaise and Ketchup hair later on. You know, that modern 'IT-hair.' In the shade Dirty Blonde. I also have it myself. Mayonaise and Ketchup colour. I told Mark van der Stelt's ex-wife to 'vreet her arrogance with Mayonaise and Ketchup.' ('Vreet die kapsones op met mayonaise en ketchup!') On the back off a letter omce. I don't know if she got that. To think you are a whole lot off something is one thing, to think I respect that when it's not adjust is another. 

But yes, the Mayonaise and Ketchup hair off modern war-era. And everyone has it. I think I'm the first one to come up with 'Mayonaise and Ketchup hair.' While having it myself. I have the feeling we're not off that trend yet. I'm moody enough to offend people with that certain hair to Mayonaise and Ketchup hair. It's something else than calling it 'statement hair.' all the time. 

I have trouble eating and getting food in. I eat, but with difficulty. I still get my meals in, but not that much and not wholehearted, and not scorfing it in like a wolf, like sometimes. It's in moderation and that's allready kinda hard. Not because it's expensive- I eat according to Dutch standards, and it's not too bad, but with trouble getting even one plate in. I think it's not worrysome yet, but it could be better. Maybe because there's such a burdensome topic about food going on, which makes it hard to eat. And maybe I should respect my nature. And not go against it. As long as I get basic needed food in. I even had fried eggs for lunch and because it's 'that time',  I forced myself a chocolate bar in. (Which was very good, actually.) I need food to keep the medication working. A start up in the morning to fill my stomach before I got my meds. I think it's not that worrysome yet, As long as I eat. But it's strange how actually I eat less, and gain weight. Since food seems less appealing to me. I think something is wrong with me if it makes me lose a crazy amount off weight. Since that's not the matter yet, it's only a small issue. 

Maybe it's even a good thing, given I'm a big woman with enough fat to handle less food. And maybe I'm going back to honey blonde when this crisis is done. I love a nice shade off honey in my hair. No matter if it's the latest trend. It could just be an awfull lot off time further when I do so. Just like new glasses. Maybe I should not wait too long with them. I just hope I don't have to owe up in vanity when it comes to frames. I'm sensitive for them looking awesome, but it's probably gonna cost. 

Maybe I need to reveal something about this crisis and war. There are rumors about Iluminati wishing to enslave us to make us work for them with high debts to owe up for basic life costs. But that's not true and that's NOT going to happen. After this war and crisis, it's truly done. And people can act a little barbie-goth unruly for a while. And we're going to see better glamour than the Mayonaise and Ketchup fashion off nowadays. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good evening at the 7th off August, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been too bright, and too sunny for my liking. 

*

The situation in the world makes cranky. I don't seem to be capable to withstand, but it's not only the world that drives me mad. 

I'm a bit out off my mind. And I have the idea, people might think predicting the war's end is a little distastefull later on. As if we can't look worse later on. Tasteless, and vulgair, and everything I shouldn't do. Except if I was crystal clear certain. So I quit predicting the future in public. 

That's how I feel these days: Fed up, from summer heath. The situation in the world, and so on. I'm not really realistic, I also got voices and delusions out off fear. I wish there was a remedy to keep my dignity and my calmth. It can be over soon, it can take a while. I felt up to the ceiling from anger before. I have no clue how I got rid off it back then. It was after a heartbreak. I had to sit on my hands not to act out off anger. 

But here we are, nobody got killed. Maybe I feel better when Summer's done, and temperatures are back to normal. I don't do well in summer heath. Life could be harder, life could be easier. Next week, it's leaping up to 31 degrees celsius in this place. I don't like. 

A positive point about this day, was my youngest brother coming to visit for my birthday, because he had to work this weekend. So I could display my dishware again on an ordinairy Wednesday, and share a pastry on a weekday. 

I love it to feel fancy with these, and do coffee or tea with people. My youngest brother is a straight, geeky  man, he couldn't feel less at ease with it than he did, but I love it. He loved the pastry, though. 

I don't have the occasion often to have people over for coffee and a pastry on my nice dishware. Birthdays really are one off the rare times I got it. 

I'm playing Elvis Presley at the moment. It's the best music for hot days in my opinion somehow, and I can't explain to you why I think so. Elvis hits the nail during hot summer days for me. It's not a hit, he's not in the news, he's just one off the best during summer. And it cheers me up. I feel a little less somber and fed up when playing Elvis. Maybe Elvis understands my loneliness. I don't know. It's just very good. 

It helps me to withstand summer heath. So, Elvis and having coffee with my brother today. 

I don't have much to say about Mark's canary for this year. The 2024 wickerbeast was just a powerfull one, and I hope they know what they're doing. It's not to play with. It's actually a 'death corvus!!!!' 'Don't you mess with it!!!' But I keep on pointing at it as 'Mark's canary.' I don't know if I can survive their disaproval off my degradating, but it's uncle Mark's canary. ('Mark z'n kanarie') There's nothing dangerous about that thing. I have no points against it. 

And it helps me to laugh to relativate the Castlefest 2024 canary. 

I would like to end this weblog with the modern classic 'A little less conversation.' Elvis remix by Junkie XL, a 2002 hit. And still a cool one. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

Good evening at the 7th off June, 2024, 2.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been nice weather today. 

*

Yesterday I had a voice. She said, while I had take away pizza, that everyone who considers themselves too smart or too mature for take away pizza and 90's kiddie pop actually isn't because it's big fun. Especially if they never do so because they're 'Too smart.' for it. I think it's probably my own thought. 

Problem is, the voice took the shape of a real life woman, almost present standing here, trying to keep me from her bunny-plates, or something off the like. I keep on seeing plates with bunnies in my closet. They're a bit kitch, It's a bunny template that repeats itself on each plate. I think I'm just weird since it's not my general taste. Why would I put plates with cute bunnies in there? Am I senile? Will I become senile? And the woman in front off me was like 'That's the utmost tip off everything with you!' ('Dat is wel echt het toppunt.') I love nice plates. But I don't have a taste in bunny plates. How did they get to this closet? Really, something weird. But she stated that to me. 'Everyone who considers themselves too smart for take away pizza and 90's kiddie pop and who doesn't do so out off that feeling, actually isn't. Because it's big fun.'  

Aside from weird voices and plates with Peter Rabbit, I had inspiration for a Bitch! Perfect gelatine pudding when this war and crisis are over. We have to grid our teeth for a while with this. I hope you have patience. Maybe I'm too cheerfull myself. But pink gelatine pudding with cherries, out off the Nordic Ware 6- cup heritage mold. And then all sorts off other desserts, ideas with pink pudding. Ordinairy custard pudding with fresh raspberry sauce, 'And marble cake!' But those aren't crisis ideas anymore. Sometimes it's voices meddling over bunny plates, sometimes it's inspiration. Honest, I think I'm too unstable and insane for Edo. He's a spiritual man, not a mad man. While I'm weird and unstable. Sanity wishes to keep me from it. And maybe they'll put him into mental health either when he starts to talk with my care takers. It's not safe. And pink pudding? With whipped cream, offcourse! It just comes down to pink custard package pudding, brought to colour with food colouring. very easy. But not appropriate for these times. 

While nowadays I try to keep the traditional kitchen off the Netherlands alive. I'm not the only one who has to stick to that. Though today was for oven pizza. I'm slacking it with cooking these days. I have nothing a pagan macho could depend on, especially when I feel weak and can't cook food. Sometimes I still think I can save the world, and I should have been in politics, but I'm appearently not suitable for it. I was a bit high in my head back then, also given the circumstances in politics off today. It's one big rathouse. I already do hard being washed these days. Just like the problem with Edo, is it confusing? Is it difficult? Yes? Then don't do it! This appears to a lot off matters stupid people and mental patients are facing. 'Is het verwarrend? Is het ingewikkeld? Ja? Dan moet je ermee stoppen of dan doen we het niet.' Sanest method ever. I think this appeared to most cases during the previous decade. 'Stop with the confusing, difficult things if you can't take on them.' If I would have listned, I would not have been here, since my mind could not stop with them. It kept on resolving around certain topics, and it drove me insane. But here I am, not doing bad. Maybe 'Stop the difficult and confusing thing.' Is now just for Edo. 'Stop with it!' So to say. 

If it drives you insane, it's not for you. That's just difficult. Very difficult. I think it will be peace in Ukraine rather than me having peace with Vana. And it's not my fault. And my visions keep being so blurry. Voice saying: 'Some women get the visions these days, while others get the mans.' Really? I'm desperate, I'm still single at 31, 32 going on soon. I should stop the difficult and confusing thing. It hurts my head from spinning. It's too much. And I think it will be 'the talk off town.' so to say, at Vana when I try. Maybe they say I'm an over-acting attention whore who's just after the money. Like usuall. 'It's her again.' And so on. Let's keep it at that, but it's a sincere thing in between us already. Otherwise he would just have been magically mighty in his own fashion. But they will not accept. A heart that jumps is so bizarre sometimes. Let's keep it sane, among Zaanish antiques. Let's be a reliable woman, let's not play games. So I should stick with the 'I'm a psychiatric patient.' Thing. That would be a decent and responsible take on it. He's insanely cool. But I'm not going after him. And what are they mighty in, to begin with? Let's relativate that. It's just Vana. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

 

  

    

Good morning at the 4th off June, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still pitch dark outside this night. 

* 

I said the events goodbye, and I left. For my own sake, for my own peace off mind. Maybe Ed is such a back burner. I should not ever come back, that would not be safe and sane. I think to have ditched it was healthy. 

My mind feels better without them, even without all my former friends, and I know I made the right decision. I'm free as a breeze again, ready to breathe and inhale fresh mental air. Much better! And it's probably never getting anywhere with Ed. I perfectly realize it's a no and it should stay that way. Maybe I should not have sacrificed a poem with the title 'Bittersweet.' to it. It's more off a back burner at the moment than something good. I was already traumatized in love and life. I can't use this. But I feel it as if there's magic at work with it. 

I have my reservations against love. I'm not the type to go cheerfully into one relationship after the other. I have to take caution with Ed. Since what I see in him is superficial. Just a fantasy. Not suitable for me. The valiant wizard on a steam. But there's nothing other than that, he's just a lost girl's fantasy. I can deal with it. It's not in the way off daily life if I keep it under control. It's not healing for trauma's. It's causing them. Let's stay away from it, I can do without. 

Actually I asked the Wickerbeast for someone to heal my trauma's. But it's not going to work and I can see ahead. I'm not the floaty, happy type to ask for 'A relationship with x-' while I'm not over with my past. I'm seeking for someone serious who can laugh and help me out with pain. For the long term if it has to be. But with me, it has to be either damn right serious, or not at all. And it's not healthy for a relationship to solve your issues, but for a relationship to be healing? Yes, that would be nice. But Ed? It feels a bit screwed up. Love is NOT a joke. But maybe they made this out off it, and this is what I asked for in their eyes. I should get over with it. If something is on my ass, I better escape from it. And keep my dignity, and stay away. It hasn't done bad to me to break with them. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

 

Good morning at the 4th off June, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still dark outside, I can't see the damn weather. 

*

One off my last sacrifices at Castlefest, was at Wickerbeast The Beloveds. Honestly, I only sacrificed if I felt I was behind  a message. I sacrificed a poem, called Bittersweet by the ancient Persian poet Rumi, brought nicely to the audience by Madonna. It's something powerfull with depth. It suited me and how I feel about love. I think it's starting to fall into places with Ed, and I can't explain. It's just that nothing would be appropriate and therefore nothing should happen. Maybe it's not been this that has set the thing in such motion. But I wish to share the poem, And Madonna's outtake on it on here: 

In my hallucination
I saw my beloved's flower garden
In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence
I was there in the beginning
And I was the spirit of love

Now I am sober
There is only the hangover
And the memory of love
And only the sorrow

I year for happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy
And my love says

Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon
And your moonlight too
I am your flower garden
And your water too

I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns

I just don't know. Maybe I'm too traumatized to actually 'just go' for love, and maybe The Mother Godess had to think this one through. And maybe it's been a bit unhandy. But there he is, The wolf and the moonlight, too, The flowergarden and the water, too. 

It's just that it's not mutual and that would not be healthy. But the wolf and the moonlight and the flowergarden and the water is found. I just think it's not going to be healing. But wasn't my presence at these event not messed up to begin with? 😉 Let's stay honest about that. I have my reservations against love. And it's good to have them, now more than ever. So actually, it's not perfectly fallen into place. But I think it's close. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 3th off June 2024, 2.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Outside it's still somewhat fresh for June. 

*

Fantasy and history writers never come up with the plot off the young female mage falling head over heels to the dark wizard. I know you're supposed to call it a witch, but in my head it's a witchmaster, and more seductive than Batman. (What else? I would not fall for something else his age.) He's sooo sexy. I would not like to dwell into details, just that it's a pagan adult man. He's muscled, well-trained, and he has something interesting in his mind. When coming to overthink all off that, I felt like: 'But would that not be suitable for a relationship?' And fling my mind went off. For me, it isn't. We're enemies after everything that happened with Vana. 

It's unusual for the young, brown haired main character with the green eyes to fall for the darker types. Usually, she's into the blonde and strong young fella. (And she always gets him.) But what if the blonde fella never saw her, and now she's into the mysterious and cool kinda older wizard man? I think I give away too much. But Ed is not just someone from the streets. I happen to know him, and knowing he's this sort off well-organized and cool, makes him attractive. I just don't know him on a personal level, but seen from a failed pauper kinda level, it's so strong and wealthy and interesting. THE number one pagan macho from Castlefest. I just decided I better don't. He has it all in my opinion. 

But I better keep away from CF, and let it be. For my mental health. And it's just that in my mind, we keep on being enemies and we fight in mysterious ways, though we talk very well. He's a witchmaster, who knows he has ways to the human mind. I don't know if he would love my meatballs and raisin cake and cuddle endless with me if I would dare. It's a bit civilized how I imagined us. I can't keep up with that standard at the moment. And sponges? Really? This man has caught my visions into sponges? (And that's the reason for them to have become blurry.) 

It's just that he always looks cranky when I see him. I think I would say no, but I would like to challenge him into a smile first. I know it's morning 'on the way to your job.' - crankyness, probably. It's always as stiff as a wooden plank. But it could also be their general attitude towards me. I wish he would smile at me and try to look nicer first. Let's keep that as a standard first. Relationships don't dwell on crankyness. It's a meatball-soap. (Gehaktballen soap.) But that's because so little happens and I react to it like a stoned shrimp somehow. I over-think him too much. Still he is sexy in this surrounding. I wish I could trust myself with it. Truly saying no to something special when his car crashes down the road and he needs me. For example. But for now it's just nothing. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good afternoon at the 25th off May, 2024.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today the weather was cloudy and changing. 

*

I'm going to do something strange: I'm going to congratulate Mark van der Stelt on his new marriage, and I'm honest. It's granted, man, congratulations. 

While Natasha gave me the impression off a venomous snake with the standards off Peggy Bundy from Married with Children with a cold heart I simply hated, this one seems much nicer. After all, Mark is not in love with me, but it doesn't matter. I'm fan off everything that bans the poisonous snakes. I was in SUCH a catfight with Natasha. But his new wife seems nice. 

I just think I can't stand being at Vana Events anymore after so much pain I went through. It has hurt a lot. And I can't stand looking at Mark's facebook for too long, but it's good for people to have so much public information posted on the internet. At least I'm informed. And I'm a good sport, So congrats! 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 13th off March, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the weather has been dreary and cloudy. One is to get moody from all that grey weather. 

*

I have been wondering for a long time on Why Mark van der Stelt would put up with what he has done, and maybe the answer is his loss off face. Not appologizing, scapegoating, agreeing on sexism, lying, The whole tearing me down part. Simply to safe his own ass, face and pride. Mark has been wrong to begin with. Vana should have appologized earlier on to me. But they put up this whole negative show to safe their face. It doesn't do well for the ambience when they do it like that. Especially with someone who simply does not understand the clue to these actions, cruel as they are. 

Saving your face? MARK! do you realize you have never looked like more off a dick before? Loss off face? He should have shown character 13 years ago, simply by appologizing. Not by putting up this whole sexism show. It makes their behaviour worse and worse by the years. And it doesn't look like it's going anywhere positive. And it means they have been truly spitting me out. A thing which I have never fully understood but simply by to picture the whole thing in my mind like this. 

I thought Mark and I had made up somewhere at the beginning off 2014, and then that stupid ass cunt off a wife off his came up with that owl- wickerbeast which looked like taring and scapegoating. AND then her itchy bitchy remark at Keltfest 2015. If you mean to have made up with me and mean well with me, you should not have done that. It ment war again. If you mean well with me, you don't bring up an owl about my weblog later on. And so, I re-started to blog. She should have known better. I keep on thinking she is very jealouse off me somehow. 

Somehow Vana has never looked like more off a dick before, and I'm innocent. I did not understand why she has done so. Except that she's after no good with me. I don't like the old snake. I never liked her. She seems prude at first, but oh woe of you get to meet her other side. It's a tyrant and a bitch and she is NOT trustworthy. I know the audience should know. Neither off them is to trust. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 19th off February, 2024, 2.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's almost 02.00 o'clock. I still can't see the weather outside. 

*

The hell with Faust made me unpopulair among Vana Events. People assumed I was a brainless barbiedoll after just one thing. But I'm not like that, and I never have been. It kinda shove me away from the cool metal head boyfriends I actually wanted. And now I have that issue with cute blonde, geeky men and pagan priests, when it's into Vana Events, they are likely to know me from the forum and loathe me for it. I'm famous in a bad way and it's quite an issue. I never got over it since I learned to hide away from it. I never got really close since most don't live in my place. But in far off places where I can't find them. 

I'm seen as pretty, but I'm no good and a bitch and a slut according to them. I'm working my ass off to prove their wrong. But they don't see. Nobody sees who I truly am. I have been hiding my real self for a lot off people. All the jealousy, all the hatred, all the gossip, all the haters, all the fake - it did just too bad for my nerves and I flipped on the subject. Vana was the cause off getting into the mental hospital and on these pills to begin with. It got me in the overdrive and killed my career. I could not take it very well. Still I felt the urge to state my opinion and stand by it. I should have stand by it better and not let them make me insecure about it. I should have never appologized, since I always have been right all along. I shouldn't have backed down. Those people are annoying when it comes to taking things with a limb off salt, where I have done so long before. 'Goddamn it people, take it with a limb off salt. Just like I do.' It's what is said about it all the time, but still they don't get it. Am I harsh or are they just stupid?  I think it's the last and it doesn't make me a bitch to fight back against them. 

I'm not a bitch. I'm just honest and real. It's hard fighting with people on the level off a few sandbox toddlers, while I feel like an adult. It's hard to win a serious argument from someone who uses 'I'm gonna burst out and cry.' as an argument, and you have to quit from the moderator. While you're actually into a serious discussion. I'm not into the austriches, the whiners and the sexists. But this is not what paganism is supposed to be like in my opinion. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.