Good afternoon at the 7th off November, 2025.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's sunny and cold, it's a bright day in Autumn. 

*

My mom has her birthday at the 11th, I had to cut on the gift, but look what I found: 

It's a small box off chocolates, not the big splurgey expensive ones, but these are cute windmills and tulips, and it's packed pretty. It's pretty something for a crisis-gift, I feel happy due to it. I forgot how happy I can get when giving something nice. It's good for me just aswell as for the receiver. It makes me feel so good. Almost like ocytoxin I got from it. This gift makes happy. It's good for it's price class, and it's a real chocolate shop it comes from. 

I also purchased some handmade birthday cards from de Boed. They're not pricey, and compared to a bookstore it's cool what you got for it. Just the idea to send these feels good. Handmade = personal. And they where only one euro each. It's perfect for aunts and old friends in modern day crisis. I feel so good at the idea off all off these worthit gifts. I almost forgot how that could feel. It's my starsign, I think. Leo is a gift giver. Before the crisis, I used to bring more gifts to the fam. I had to cut on that. Alongside the Cornelis Jetses jigsaws I won at Bingo, these chocolates will be for mom. 💖😁 (= really how I feel, and that's why I wanted the world to know.) I'm going to wrap these jigsaws, the sight off it can't be more perfect in my opinion. 💖 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 3th off November, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still too dark outside to see the weather. 

*

Yesterday was for a walk across de Zaanse Schans, and photographing it. It was kinda nice, it wasn't too crowded, and it felt nice and cozy being there. Zaanse Schans is almost around my corner. Just a small walk and I'm among windmills and heritage buildings in a park that's dedicated to Dutch life centuries ago. I like it there. It's always crowded with tourists. And nothing screams 'Dutch Pride!' Like those authentics. Let's share some pictures off it on here. 

This duck came over to me and sat a while with me, almost as if we had some friendly understanding. 

I purchased a pack off fresh syrup waffles to share at de Boed's afternoon coffee, and a souvenir. 

This lovely cake tray off Amsterdam canal houses is one off a series. I also own the one with the windmill, so I wanted this one aswell. It's been really going after treasures today. And everyone was gratefull for the syrup waffles. It's been a great day. Dutch heritage is something to be proud off. 

I don't like to come off extremely right-winged in politics with that, it's something the national socialists have claimed for a while, our cultural heritage. But it's not what I stand for, or wish to stand for. I think it should be claimed much more by left winged political parties, Dutch pride, our roots, our feeling off comfort that comes from our cozy cultural heritage before it's too late. People here get a lot off comfort from it and are proud off it. We should all be proud off our cultural heritage. So I'm not some sort off extreme right nutcase with it. 

I think it's good to share it on here, with what's going on in the world. We should take even more pride off this during a war time. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good morning at the 4th off June, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still pitch dark outside this night. 

* 

I said the events goodbye, and I left. For my own sake, for my own peace off mind. Maybe Ed is such a back burner. I should not ever come back, that would not be safe and sane. I think to have ditched it was healthy. 

My mind feels better without them, even without all my former friends, and I know I made the right decision. I'm free as a breeze again, ready to breathe and inhale fresh mental air. Much better! And it's probably never getting anywhere with Ed. I perfectly realize it's a no and it should stay that way. Maybe I should not have sacrificed a poem with the title 'Bittersweet.' to it. It's more off a back burner at the moment than something good. I was already traumatized in love and life. I can't use this. But I feel it as if there's magic at work with it. 

I have my reservations against love. I'm not the type to go cheerfully into one relationship after the other. I have to take caution with Ed. Since what I see in him is superficial. Just a fantasy. Not suitable for me. The valiant wizard on a steam. But there's nothing other than that, he's just a lost girl's fantasy. I can deal with it. It's not in the way off daily life if I keep it under control. It's not healing for trauma's. It's causing them. Let's stay away from it, I can do without. 

Actually I asked the Wickerbeast for someone to heal my trauma's. But it's not going to work and I can see ahead. I'm not the floaty, happy type to ask for 'A relationship with x-' while I'm not over with my past. I'm seeking for someone serious who can laugh and help me out with pain. For the long term if it has to be. But with me, it has to be either damn right serious, or not at all. And it's not healthy for a relationship to solve your issues, but for a relationship to be healing? Yes, that would be nice. But Ed? It feels a bit screwed up. Love is NOT a joke. But maybe they made this out off it, and this is what I asked for in their eyes. I should get over with it. If something is on my ass, I better escape from it. And keep my dignity, and stay away. It hasn't done bad to me to break with them. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

 

Good morning at the 4th off June, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still dark outside, I can't see the damn weather. 

*

One off my last sacrifices at Castlefest, was at Wickerbeast The Beloveds. Honestly, I only sacrificed if I felt I was behind  a message. I sacrificed a poem, called Bittersweet by the ancient Persian poet Rumi, brought nicely to the audience by Madonna. It's something powerfull with depth. It suited me and how I feel about love. I think it's starting to fall into places with Ed, and I can't explain. It's just that nothing would be appropriate and therefore nothing should happen. Maybe it's not been this that has set the thing in such motion. But I wish to share the poem, And Madonna's outtake on it on here: 

In my hallucination
I saw my beloved's flower garden
In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence
I was there in the beginning
And I was the spirit of love

Now I am sober
There is only the hangover
And the memory of love
And only the sorrow

I year for happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy
And my love says

Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon
And your moonlight too
I am your flower garden
And your water too

I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns

I just don't know. Maybe I'm too traumatized to actually 'just go' for love, and maybe The Mother Godess had to think this one through. And maybe it's been a bit unhandy. But there he is, The wolf and the moonlight, too, The flowergarden and the water, too. 

It's just that it's not mutual and that would not be healthy. But the wolf and the moonlight and the flowergarden and the water is found. I just think it's not going to be healing. But wasn't my presence at these event not messed up to begin with? 😉 Let's stay honest about that. I have my reservations against love. And it's good to have them, now more than ever. So actually, it's not perfectly fallen into place. But I think it's close. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 28th off May, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's rainy this evening. 

*

Today was for a small trip to Amsterdam, it's nearby and I can reach it by public transport. It was fun being there and walking around, taking some cool pictures. 

I had quite fun, and had some Starbucks Frappé on forehand. This afternoon wasn't too bad. It was by far not boring and bourgeoise, but finally something fun again. 

I think I'm not over with Ed yet, everytime I think about him, my mind crushes harder on it than the slush puppy machine. Making a soft drink out off the hard ice. He's sooo interesting. But I can't. I never could and I never will be able to be with him. I'm not a man, I can't be in denial. That'd be too harsh. I can enjoy these warm, fuzzy feelings. But I can't go after them. Sexy Ed, with the interesting take on life...  And me, a psychiatric patient with a delusional crush. (I suppose it's delusional.) But at least the day was good. It was nice weather in Amsterdam, I hadn't been there for a long while. And the Frappé was good. Though they wrote my name wrong on it... 

Starbucks employees should take a course in understanding names correctly. Or I should pronounce more clear. I don't know what it was. 

I have been checking out fashion on the streets off Amsterdam. It's mainly black, simplistic and a lot off denim. Jeans and jeans jackets for almost everyone. It's the early 00's but somber. (I think it let it describe that way.) And with more natural and simple make-up. As if this is the Karma to the 00's to have been too cheerfull. Too bright and loud. But people seemed tolerant and nice. They did not mind about me being fat in public.  I had no nasty comments on myself. So it's a big plus to today. Amsterdam is tolerant. For someone with a crush, I could make more work off myself, I wasn't even washed. But I'm trying to get over with it. I had Domino's pizza for dinner tonight. I'm still not well enough to cook. I decided, if I don't look shamefull in public, it's enough,- I'm going to reject and not make a circus out off it. 

It's as if the world in Amsterdam agrees on that. 'Let's look not too shamefull, but not fancy anymore.' We come out off an era with such luxurious looks, it's something to mention about people. Maybe they're all about to reject their crush... maybe it's a mass hype. But that's just a silly thought I have. 'Appropriate, somber 00's, humble, black, jeans.' And nothing too fancy. That's how it let it be descripted. I think fashion is not hard these days. But that's my opinion. People are aware it's a crisis. But at least they don't look streetbrick- poor and ungroomed. I just had to see for myself how people looked. It was a good day. 

I'm going to end this weblog here, otherwise it's a lot to read. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 15th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a beautifull day for an Autumn day. 

*

Dear you, 

I never expected it too 

Though I may look like a fool 

I mean it heartfull and cool 

I believe I fell in love with you- 

How in the world would that even do? 

In a world which seperates us each day more 

I can finally say- I don't love you anymore 

It's almost fine with me but the spot is still sore 

I'm the one who has opened the door 

I can finally say- I've proven not to be a whore 

I didn't steal you, but thank you therefore 

One persons nightmare is one person's dream 

One another isn't always what it seems 

Love and lust as sweet as a pea 

I can say it wasn't you- it was me 

But here we are, my dark prince charming 

Symptoms to a mental disease so alarming 

I can't help but saying it's over and alright 

I hope my interest in you and my dreams won't make you fight. 

A kiss off goodbye, A spark became light 

I hope this will do, My dark handsome knight 

I wish you all luck, and therefore  - Good night.  

Your admireress, 

Me. 

Good afternoon at the 7th off August, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cloudy and rainy and your average Dutch summer weather. It's allright there to have been no forest fires in this country this year, and it's a good thing for it not to have been hot in general. But that's most that there can be said about it.

*

This morning I went out to the pastry counter to HEMA's and got an order off three scrumptious cakes for my small birthday party on sunday. I have had my birthday the 5th off August. This year at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk and I made them two quark tarts and they sung for me and it was a nice small party this year for everyone attempting there. 

This morning I have Hector the Ladybug asking me to write a blog since he has been missing them. He wants me to write today since he reads them. Maybe I do have a fan somewhat looking like Hector the Ladybug but I'm not certain off it- I never got responses on this weblog. But who knows he does. Hector is some sort off a mythical guardian angel ladybug who comments on things in my head every often. 

Aside to cakes I bought myself some nice clothes in shops for larger sized women. I felt a bit insecure in Zaandam city centre about how I looked. I have gained a lot off weight and I slack in make-up and grooming. I usually don't care too much about it, but today it hit me somehow. Maybe since I started to pay attention to men again. I don't know where it came from, but I have a 'type.' off man that catches my eye sometimes. I don't know what to do with myself when I see a man like that since he's so handsome and sweet looking. I think I don't fit at all with it and it's hard. I had a long time before where I didn't care much about men and even believed I was not straight anymore. I had that mayor crush on a man in Leiden but that was mainly in my head and it was far away and safe. This moment off time and space sometimes I have men catching my eyes in real life. I have to dust off myself an awfull lot and overcome a lot off problems before we can even get to the point off 'A man in sight.' it's not fair.  

 I bought nice clothes and got an order from the pastry counter, had an ice coffee on my way and decided to take place on a bridge with benches, and then went for lunch to a place where they serve breads and drinks hile it started to rain. Then went on my way home on the bus. I have the feeling tomorrow will be a good day since I have a lot off cake and other foods for my family. 

What am I to do? It always seems the kind off man I fall for sees me when I'm at my worse. They never show up when I'm dressed nice with a hint off make-up. That happens quite a lot and I don't think I'm charming that way. I fall in the category 'obese.' and I still feel somewhat depressed this time and day. Why did my brain came up with the brilliant idea to 'Like a certain type.' and take note off it again? I feel awfull about myself when I start to mention things and care again. My type is blonde and lean and handsome and cute. A modern elf somehow. I don't just like any guy, I'm picky in my taste. He doesn't even has long hair since guys like that where such a turn down and behave like pigs nowadays. My standards are high. 

My type is cute and reserved, though he seems so nice and handsome and cute but I have the feeling it's not for me since I'm such a drama. It's a cold and rainy summer, and I bet I don't have a man with christmas knowing me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. I hope Hector the Ladybug is pleased with this.     

This evening wasn't rotten

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the entire day was sunny and bright. I decided to put on some make-up this evening, put on some nice earrings and made it to the dinner table at de Boed. 

*

I had luck this evening. We had well made sheperd's pie (without lamb minced meat.) with a mini magnum for dessert. Actually two because the person working there was nice to us. It wasn't a bad evening. It was a big improvement compared to the rest off the week. It was in time because I started cursing to my empty room and talking loud again. I'm agressive when I do that. It's best to go out every often and be watched over when I feel so nasty. 

I had the strange but cute idea my ladybug-guardian-angel had been arranging the good meals off this weekend. I have a ladybug- guardian-angel with the nicest black curly hair and the cutest appearance in the world in my head. He wears tidy man shirts with nice prints, often red, blue or purple sometimes, a tidy gilette over it and pants, and neat shoes and he's Hector the ladybug. I can't proove anything about his excistence, but I prefer not to because he's so cute I wouldn't want him out off my head, despite it being delusional I know. He helps me with a lot. I suppose he doesn't excist and 'we.' don't excist. But it's too nice off a feeling to shove him off. He is funny when he talks. That probably does it. I love the idea. 

Ladybug guardian angels can arrange good meals and good circumstances for people. I'm sure off it. Sometimes he appears as a young man with shoulder length black hair and he helps me through the day by talking things over or giving advice on what good foods to eat next time. He's a good help. It's not healthy but I can't deal without it. 

Deep into this mental shit 

I barely can find a fancy fit- 

Off the line with crazy wit 

 So I love a ladybug 

-Deal with it.- 

. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading.  

 

A calm day at work yesterday.

Yesterday I had A bit off an off-day at work, I socialized A bit with people and had A few glasses off water, and nothing came out off my hands, unfortunately. The owl stuffed animal isn't finished to begin with, and I felt no energy to do something. I'm glad it's not an official job for A serious employer, otherwise I would have been fired probably about A lot off times for just hanging around and socialize and just have coffee. (I'm employed at an Upcycling shop in the city off Zaandam, and it's A work place especially for mentally sick / unstable people like me.)

I like how everyone loves me, though. That has been diffrent once, but I've changed and now I'm quite sociable. And how they're very easygoing when it comes to what I make for them. I'm hired to make jewelry, and luckily there's still A rack full off it at the moment in our shop window. I guess I can afford to just hang around, have coffee and socialize A bit with everyone. At times it sells better, at times it doesn't seem to sell at all.

The uppcycling runs A bit of people's charity gifts. We have A lot off free stock we got from nice people who have donated all off that to us. Yesterday, someone came in with A lot off cooking supplies, including some cute cookbooks with A few nice and easy receipes. I took A look in all four off them, and then decided on making my co-workers some easy to make vanilla cupcakes with some easy decorating next week. As you might know, I love to bake and I'm quite good at it. It's not hard for me to do so, and I know everyone will probably like it, I promised to do so next monday to my boss, and I promised to finish the owl next week. (Unfortunately, it wasn't A strong enough goal in my mind to go out to finish the owl's bottom yesterday. But still, I was at my job.)

So, I have some ideas about what to do next week if I'm stable enough to do so. A care taker told me I looked A bit more nervous, and what she told seemed to shock me A bit, that it was as if I looked A bit more unstable at the moment. I hadn't mentioned that myself, I felt as if I was doing actually better at this period. I started to overthink and I began to realize she could be right. I have some issues going on at the moment, though I'm on it with my back support off care-takers. And so to say, sometimes I mention I still day-dream A bit off 'Lars.'  which sometimes still pops up and makes me absent-minded and giggly on A teenage girl's level at times, though I know I better keep him off my mind most off the time. If I calmly sit somewhere, it sometimes comes up and makes my mind A mess. I wonder where that desire to be with him still comes from. I often feel like I can take on the world, but sometimes the world gets the best off me without me even knowing. I should talk about it with my therapist, though... All I know, throughout most scary delusions, is that wanting to be with him is always there, and it's the most true feeling I can defy in this mess. I know it's better NOT to be with someone at all, unfortunately, I would have given him the world so to say, if I could. But I'm not capable to keep A hold on myself at the moment. I'm not in love with him anymore...? No, I'm afraid I still am, but it's become A burden. And it's on A track where it's not really A good, healthy thing anymore, I'm sorry, 'Lars.'

Though, going on with life... I wish my mind could have some fresh air to release some tensions sometimes.

Allright, it's time for A nice bowl off zuchinni soup for now. 😋










 

Love Drunk (18+ poem)

I feel like- I want sexual tension with you
I feel like- I want you between my legs- Sorry, couldn't mention this more prude. 
I wake up from my haze,
I probably got drunk by licking his face-
I yell out off getting clear again: 
'Goddamnit, take this man back!' 
In my mind, I return to A shallow wreck.
Still, I still- wish to have these love-sick feelings again. 

But when, but how, but how can I seductively- 
Get myself love-drunk by licking the stain on your face, kiss your neck and be in your grace? 
-Hold me for A million years, 
Kiss away my pain and tears... 
Get me drunk again chasing you 
I guess, I know- I have no clue 
I think I'll have to face this cold world without you 
***
Am I clear? Or just- mad again. I feel like I'm only truly clear about being in love and lustual attraction with him at the moment. 

Because- I'm A bit in love with A man I don't know.

Contains adult stuff.

And really, I have no clue where to seek. I'm not familiair with the alternative population in and surrounding the city off Leiden, but- I fell, and ever since to have orgasmd over A guy, I- feel what women, according to the myth, usuall feel after that: A crush on their subject off fantasizing. Remember that tale about A black Stork and A white Raven I posted on my YouTube this summer? I guess that could be seen as A bit off A prelude. How in the world have I never mentioned you this way? And why am I always overthinking, and over-analyzing everything? Comming to the plain conclusion and feeling infatuated- that you are mainly very attractive and so sexy? I'm not lying, I have probably more space in my mind after I've cleared things up from other people. And the human mind works- odd. I guess mine more than common people. But- I see something in him. Sub-consiousness that talks, or- am I on the way to destruction with myself again? I wish, I wish I wass A mill, 'tis there I sit and wonder myself- 'till every stone in my mind is grit to sand, and I think I- finally understand but for common readers it's probably 'way to late, morron.'- And that's it. But I fell... and I'm blattering. I always do when I'm like this. Writing A lot to over-compensate for what's on my mind? I wouldn't feel ashamed with him as my love interest, or to be with him and walk beside him. I just want him.

I believe I happen to fall deeper and deeper everytime I think off him. Don't get shocked, it's an alternative guy with black hair and A big wine stain mark on his face, who I have just been infatuated about for- quite some time. I would quit all my fights with Vana, and write them A sincere appology, just to be capable to walk hand in hand with my main crush at the moment. I doubt anyone here (In my surrounding near by where I live.) would ever know this sensual and interesting man. Good grief, what am I on to?

I've drawn the two off us togheter, in festival clothing. 'Will you come to me mother's house when the moon is shining weary...'? Official this drawing is named 'WHERE is your common sense with this?' (Underwritten: 'In my pants, sir.' comming out off my mouth, I guess that makes ME the lusty scoundrelless here-) And it was taken with my laptop's camera. It's not the best version off what it could be. I hope he's not taken, I wonder who he is, and what his name is... wonder about the story? Read up on it on my deviantart:

My handsome raven prince from Leiden and me-

I fell, I didn't know I was actually capable to even be in love anymore, with all the dopamin and serotin, paracetamol, vitamin B complexes, and 'hormones.' from Birth controll floating around my system, and I'm even menstruating. Good heavens. Where did that crush even come from out off nowhere? I believe- this is how the world works. But I'd- love to even know his name and facebook profile, to see if I have mentioned his awesome attractiveness completely right, but I wouldn't contact him, because- I'm A disaster at FB, and I would like to- get the guy this time. I'm pretty serious I guess.