Good morning at the 21st off January, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's dark and cold outside. 

*

I had visions about fashion Gothic being the total It-style off the 30's. Why can't it be? Wasn't it to be found one off the prettiest styles off recently? Why can't we, Fantasy alternatives, ever be totally It? It has been like this since ages. We are totally peeved and looked down upon by the fashion industry, but some time ago the trend was totally fashion Gothic. I adored it. I would love that to come back, I'm always hiding I'm alternative to the audience, I finally could come out for it when everyone started wearing Dr. Martens in public. It was so cool. So beautifull. Even I dared to be more out in the open. There's a hole in my heart, and a stone in my stomach it's not more widely accepted. But the whole fashion loving town was taking part off it, when Versace and Chanel started to make work off it. I think I finally would have gotten away with it with my old peers at school. It always has been forbidden for me to be a public alternative by them. I don't see them anymore, but you can probably imagine. It's like I'm secretly a werewolf or so, they where not allowed to know. Nowadays I'm far more public with it, on Facebook, but we broke all contact. They're kinda short minded people. But deep inside I hope fashion Gothic made them think it a bit diffrently, or maybe they started following a fashion trend, something as simple as that. It's not a feeling or a philosophy with them. 

It's such a stone in my heart, coming to think it can never be accepted by the main crowd. I don't look alternative here, but hey, we're at a mental institute with old people with mental issues, and it's not appropriate. I look dull and boring on a daily base. I had a time where I tried to look like a Wolf Witch Warrior, and showing you're pagan can be done in many ways. I'm still pagan, still a witch. But secretly. This place is old fashioned, conservative and Christian. And it makes me look like a shabby old tramp not to get in trouble with them, there's also something against looking too expensive. To people from the past, it might seem a bit aso even to look like this. But it's my way to adapt to the surrounding. I'm always in situations where it's not appropriate to be a heathen in public. This country still has rules about that. Nowadays I do my utmost best to be off taste to old people. At leat they're nice to me. But you get it: I better don't be over the top. But it's not too bad since they have good taste in music. I love listening to their music. After breaking up with Vana Events, it did not feel too bad. But it's a stone in my heart. I'm a witch on Facebook, but not in their face, I would get in trouble with it and they would hate me for it. 

My kind off spirituality has never been publicly accepted, not as much as some time ago when it was everywhere, and it started to be a little more accepted, but sometimes this country almost do it for it, and it's stuck up again against pagans like me. I'm lucky to have my mom to discuss things with, and I read books about subjects. But still, despite the fight for equality and justice, we're still seen as obscene by the establishment. I hate it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 23th off April, 2025.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's cold and dark outside in The Netherlands. 

*

The sore was almost off yesterday, but I felt it came back really badly. I almost made the appointment for a weekend at mom's. I have to call off from pain again. It's 01.30 at night, and I got out off bed from a stomach ache, and the sore on my side makes it impossible to sleep on my side. 

He's victimizing me, and it takes too long. It places such a stamp on me and my life and it's a heavy burden while I'm the innocent party in here. He has had that slut for several years, but he outcalls me ugly and scum all the time. He doesn't let me go in it, I'm not granted a second or even a seventh chance with any other man. It's just him and my feelings are not important. It's oppressive and humiliating and I feel so oppressed by Yoram again. I wish he made me free to choose someone else over him, like I was supposed to do all the time. He just doesn't let me while banging that slut. It's all me to blame, and they all call me ugly for no reason nowadays, while at first I was the prettiest girl in the world. I'm always the one to blame, to be kept low, while that gladjakker with his big dick gets away with everything. It's been unfair from the beginning on. I'm NOT the one to blame, It's NOT right. And I wish to continue my life in freedom and with equal rights to anyone. Not these rights to be scampted and dominated all the time by this giant dick off a man. And his prissy yet dominant followers. 

He should let me go, instead off sucking out my blood like a first class parasite. 

And people should realize and accept we are not a set, and it has never been there. People where so convinced we where 'the thing.' But in the end it wasn't, and I never wanted to. It was actually really scarry to be pressed in such a corner. They did not want to see the truth from my side. We are not a thing, and for my mental peace, we are better not since I never could stand the man. He's too stupid for me. Deal with it. They should finally move on and let me go. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

De crisisboerin

 Goedemorgen iedereen, 

Het is buiten steenkoud deze nacht. 

*

Ik heb mijn eigen draai gegeven aan mijn manier van leven tijdens deze crisis. Ik put inspiratie uit het boeren landleven van mijn voorouders, en het idee van de crisis van de jaren '30 van de vorige eeuw. Ik weet gek genoeg hoe ik ermee om moet gaan, alsof de inspiratie al heel lang in me zit: Als een crisisboerin. Met Vintage Belle meubilair en serviesgoed, ouderwets en goedkoop eten, en het goed schoon houden van mijn woning. Heel gek, vroeger schaamde ik me lichtelijk als ik iemand op bezoek kreeg, nu kunnen ze elke week langs komen en ik heb niks om me voor te schamen, zo knus, gezellig, schoon en opgeruimd als het hier is. En goedkoop, voedzaam boeren eten. Verse groenten, aardappelen en vlees, of een verspakket, en goede tosti's, roomboter, eieren en goed fruit. Als ik voor de rest zuinig ben, kan het er van af. Dan kan ik later met andere snobs snobben dat ik verse groenten en fruit te eten had 'tijdens de oorlog.' Want meer weelde had ik niet. Nou ja, het huis is lichtelijk weelderig. Maar wel op zo'n manier dat het ingetogen is, en je het zou kunnen vinden op een chique ouwe boerderie die romantisch is aangekleed. Het is heel gezellig, een ouderwetse idyle. Eigenlijk meer gebaseerd op de chique tut-kant van de early 10's. Gewoon het normale leven voor de meesten in Noord-Holland van vóór de oorlog. Het vergt aardappelen schillen, en groenten snijden, en eieren bakken. En je moet niet lui zijn en lichtelijk bekwaam in de keuken. Ik noem mezelf 'de crisisboerin.' In een gewone tijd is het heel goedkoop en simpel eten, tegenwoordig ben ik blij dat ik het nog heb en het nog kan betalen op zo'n manier. En er is niks mis met vintage boerin spelen. Er gaat hier nog altijd een zweem van trots uit naar vintage crisis boerinnen. Dus eigenlijk is het een soort eer. En het helpt. Me erdoor laten inspireren helpt om het het hoofd te bieden en ermee om te kunnen gaan. Ik heb natuurlijk geen gezin en koeien op stal, maar het helpt voor mezelf om de sfeer er een beetje in te houden. In de antieke groene weelde van oud Zaandijk ga je 'm ook voelen als je zo wenst te leven. Dan word je iets trotser op het dure eten als het goed is, en is het niet meer zo erg als het simpel is. Als je boerenland een trots vind. Zeker voor Nederland en Hollands welvaren is het goed. Ik wil niet extreem rechts klinken, maar met een zweem van trots eten als het vers en goed is, is niet erg. Zeker niet als het duur is. Het maakt het minder erg dat het minder is en het zuinig moet. En ik kies meestal fruit inplaats van snoep en andere rotzooi. Omdat het heel gezond is. Dat is ook al zo oud als de wereld. Een crisisboerin eet goed fruit inplaats van snoep. En ze leeft betrekkelijk eenvoudig, maar trots. En het helpt. Het is mijn manier om de crisis het hoofd te bieden. 

Ik hoop dat je er wat aan hebt, 

Bedankt voor het lezen!   

Good evening at the 7th off February, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and cloudy in the Netherlands. 

*

Mark van der Stelt is too coward to accept loss off face. I'm right, I've always been from the start, but that aso is too coward to admit to a large group off people. Knowing they will ditch him or think and talk bad off him. Though it's nothing less than what he deserves. I have been right in private messages, and it was true. Vana had been rude towards me about not even hearing what I had to say about my failure, and not admitting in the first place I have a hiccup in my system which made me fail. Not admitting, not appologizing, letting me walk around with that deep shame and mark on my head off a bimbo, a slut, an attention whore, and not hearing me for real. Fighting for justice sake is hard. Especially with these monsters on my neck, and the entire alternative scene thinking I'm bad. But it's not true. I feel powerless and treated unfair. And Mark should mind his words. They where not hearing me fairly, and are now ashamed and afraid off what happens if they lose their face towards the audience. I think that's the fairest thing to happen to me, after 14 years off big injustice. The coward should have publicly appologized towards me, and made that bitch off an ex- wife off his shut up. 

Vana is a bunch off cowardly rats, big in slutshaming and shoving a fake reason in my face, very bad in admitting their own fault. A knife cuts on two sides. But I'm not willing to take my share anymore. It's their mistake now. I've tried all the time to make it up, but those cowards where not open for it to begin with, always shoving Peppie in my face. But that dumbass is not the real reason. He's abused as a reason and proud to be a boogieman towards me. He's just part off the injustice. And Faust is a nightmare. I think I better stay out off their business from now on. But I think we better don't keep it a secret, and cowards who do injustice should be punished. I think my name should be cleared from this guilt. It's not there, I'm not guilty and I've never been. It's always been Pepijn and Mark. I've never intended to ruin things. I was just right. Did I fight for it instead off sticking my head in the sand? I sure did. But who is treated like an animal? Not them. It's always one big show off make-believe. After your money nowadays, all spirit is gone in my opinion. I don't make friends by not wishing to be blind. I rather speak the truth and give them some off my thoughts. This is a free world, the law in this country holds space for that. Mark is a coward who should have lost his face over mine. Not the other way around. I lost my face, and what for? Unfairness and lies, and their will to follow empty pleasure instead off standing by real justice. They're not to trust. They're after robbing your money, and massive upbring nowadays. Anyone with a purpose would ditch them. And stand by truth. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

A golden age for alternatives and rock

 Good evening everyone, 

The 2030's will be a golden age for rock and alternatives, including the Fantasy subculture. 

I see Faun winning an Edison award for best album, 

I see rock becomming just as much an official classic music style like opera 

I see fantasy items you would before only find at events being sold in common home deco stores 

I see some Fantasy novels becomming official literature. 

It's something that starts, probably, when Uranus is in Cancer, and the war and the crisis are done.Fantasy  Gothic becomes THE It-style for fashionista's that decade. 

It's such reccomendation for what they have done. And the world can't deny it anymore: This is official culture. And the Fantasy Gothic Rock people are the artists. Mind my words, it's going to happen, it will be a period off bloom for them. 

It's just that during the 2040's the hype is over. And people will lean towards orange and green. Really, it's going to feel insane how much reccommendation the scene will get during the 2030's. It's incredible. 

If I would have been in school during that era, I would have dared to speak up about my interest to people. While I kept quiet during my younger years, afraid to be beaten up or bullied, or left out by them. I never told them Elfia saved my soul. But during the 2030's, I think ordinairy people, where 'alternative.' and 'subculture.' lies very sensitive, can openly brag about such things. I never had the guts to. 

It's sad how it's now the other way around, and real life keeps me from the mental havock from events. The scene doesn't work for me. So I prefer to stay away from them, and live in relatively peace. I can miss being demonized like a hole in the head. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 7th off June, 2024, 2.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been nice weather today. 

*

Yesterday I had a voice. She said, while I had take away pizza, that everyone who considers themselves too smart or too mature for take away pizza and 90's kiddie pop actually isn't because it's big fun. Especially if they never do so because they're 'Too smart.' for it. I think it's probably my own thought. 

Problem is, the voice took the shape of a real life woman, almost present standing here, trying to keep me from her bunny-plates, or something off the like. I keep on seeing plates with bunnies in my closet. They're a bit kitch, It's a bunny template that repeats itself on each plate. I think I'm just weird since it's not my general taste. Why would I put plates with cute bunnies in there? Am I senile? Will I become senile? And the woman in front off me was like 'That's the utmost tip off everything with you!' ('Dat is wel echt het toppunt.') I love nice plates. But I don't have a taste in bunny plates. How did they get to this closet? Really, something weird. But she stated that to me. 'Everyone who considers themselves too smart for take away pizza and 90's kiddie pop and who doesn't do so out off that feeling, actually isn't. Because it's big fun.'  

Aside from weird voices and plates with Peter Rabbit, I had inspiration for a Bitch! Perfect gelatine pudding when this war and crisis are over. We have to grid our teeth for a while with this. I hope you have patience. Maybe I'm too cheerfull myself. But pink gelatine pudding with cherries, out off the Nordic Ware 6- cup heritage mold. And then all sorts off other desserts, ideas with pink pudding. Ordinairy custard pudding with fresh raspberry sauce, 'And marble cake!' But those aren't crisis ideas anymore. Sometimes it's voices meddling over bunny plates, sometimes it's inspiration. Honest, I think I'm too unstable and insane for Edo. He's a spiritual man, not a mad man. While I'm weird and unstable. Sanity wishes to keep me from it. And maybe they'll put him into mental health either when he starts to talk with my care takers. It's not safe. And pink pudding? With whipped cream, offcourse! It just comes down to pink custard package pudding, brought to colour with food colouring. very easy. But not appropriate for these times. 

While nowadays I try to keep the traditional kitchen off the Netherlands alive. I'm not the only one who has to stick to that. Though today was for oven pizza. I'm slacking it with cooking these days. I have nothing a pagan macho could depend on, especially when I feel weak and can't cook food. Sometimes I still think I can save the world, and I should have been in politics, but I'm appearently not suitable for it. I was a bit high in my head back then, also given the circumstances in politics off today. It's one big rathouse. I already do hard being washed these days. Just like the problem with Edo, is it confusing? Is it difficult? Yes? Then don't do it! This appears to a lot off matters stupid people and mental patients are facing. 'Is het verwarrend? Is het ingewikkeld? Ja? Dan moet je ermee stoppen of dan doen we het niet.' Sanest method ever. I think this appeared to most cases during the previous decade. 'Stop with the confusing, difficult things if you can't take on them.' If I would have listned, I would not have been here, since my mind could not stop with them. It kept on resolving around certain topics, and it drove me insane. But here I am, not doing bad. Maybe 'Stop the difficult and confusing thing.' Is now just for Edo. 'Stop with it!' So to say. 

If it drives you insane, it's not for you. That's just difficult. Very difficult. I think it will be peace in Ukraine rather than me having peace with Vana. And it's not my fault. And my visions keep being so blurry. Voice saying: 'Some women get the visions these days, while others get the mans.' Really? I'm desperate, I'm still single at 31, 32 going on soon. I should stop the difficult and confusing thing. It hurts my head from spinning. It's too much. And I think it will be 'the talk off town.' so to say, at Vana when I try. Maybe they say I'm an over-acting attention whore who's just after the money. Like usuall. 'It's her again.' And so on. Let's keep it at that, but it's a sincere thing in between us already. Otherwise he would just have been magically mighty in his own fashion. But they will not accept. A heart that jumps is so bizarre sometimes. Let's keep it sane, among Zaanish antiques. Let's be a reliable woman, let's not play games. So I should stick with the 'I'm a psychiatric patient.' Thing. That would be a decent and responsible take on it. He's insanely cool. But I'm not going after him. And what are they mighty in, to begin with? Let's relativate that. It's just Vana. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

 

  

    

Good morning at the 4th off June, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still pitch dark outside this night. 

* 

I said the events goodbye, and I left. For my own sake, for my own peace off mind. Maybe Ed is such a back burner. I should not ever come back, that would not be safe and sane. I think to have ditched it was healthy. 

My mind feels better without them, even without all my former friends, and I know I made the right decision. I'm free as a breeze again, ready to breathe and inhale fresh mental air. Much better! And it's probably never getting anywhere with Ed. I perfectly realize it's a no and it should stay that way. Maybe I should not have sacrificed a poem with the title 'Bittersweet.' to it. It's more off a back burner at the moment than something good. I was already traumatized in love and life. I can't use this. But I feel it as if there's magic at work with it. 

I have my reservations against love. I'm not the type to go cheerfully into one relationship after the other. I have to take caution with Ed. Since what I see in him is superficial. Just a fantasy. Not suitable for me. The valiant wizard on a steam. But there's nothing other than that, he's just a lost girl's fantasy. I can deal with it. It's not in the way off daily life if I keep it under control. It's not healing for trauma's. It's causing them. Let's stay away from it, I can do without. 

Actually I asked the Wickerbeast for someone to heal my trauma's. But it's not going to work and I can see ahead. I'm not the floaty, happy type to ask for 'A relationship with x-' while I'm not over with my past. I'm seeking for someone serious who can laugh and help me out with pain. For the long term if it has to be. But with me, it has to be either damn right serious, or not at all. And it's not healthy for a relationship to solve your issues, but for a relationship to be healing? Yes, that would be nice. But Ed? It feels a bit screwed up. Love is NOT a joke. But maybe they made this out off it, and this is what I asked for in their eyes. I should get over with it. If something is on my ass, I better escape from it. And keep my dignity, and stay away. It hasn't done bad to me to break with them. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

 

Good morning at the 4th off June, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's still dark outside, I can't see the damn weather. 

*

One off my last sacrifices at Castlefest, was at Wickerbeast The Beloveds. Honestly, I only sacrificed if I felt I was behind  a message. I sacrificed a poem, called Bittersweet by the ancient Persian poet Rumi, brought nicely to the audience by Madonna. It's something powerfull with depth. It suited me and how I feel about love. I think it's starting to fall into places with Ed, and I can't explain. It's just that nothing would be appropriate and therefore nothing should happen. Maybe it's not been this that has set the thing in such motion. But I wish to share the poem, And Madonna's outtake on it on here: 

In my hallucination
I saw my beloved's flower garden
In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence
I was there in the beginning
And I was the spirit of love

Now I am sober
There is only the hangover
And the memory of love
And only the sorrow

I year for happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy
And my love says

Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon
And your moonlight too
I am your flower garden
And your water too

I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns

I just don't know. Maybe I'm too traumatized to actually 'just go' for love, and maybe The Mother Godess had to think this one through. And maybe it's been a bit unhandy. But there he is, The wolf and the moonlight, too, The flowergarden and the water, too. 

It's just that it's not mutual and that would not be healthy. But the wolf and the moonlight and the flowergarden and the water is found. I just think it's not going to be healing. But wasn't my presence at these event not messed up to begin with? 😉 Let's stay honest about that. I have my reservations against love. And it's good to have them, now more than ever. So actually, it's not perfectly fallen into place. But I think it's close. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 3th off June 2024, 2.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Outside it's still somewhat fresh for June. 

*

Fantasy and history writers never come up with the plot off the young female mage falling head over heels to the dark wizard. I know you're supposed to call it a witch, but in my head it's a witchmaster, and more seductive than Batman. (What else? I would not fall for something else his age.) He's sooo sexy. I would not like to dwell into details, just that it's a pagan adult man. He's muscled, well-trained, and he has something interesting in his mind. When coming to overthink all off that, I felt like: 'But would that not be suitable for a relationship?' And fling my mind went off. For me, it isn't. We're enemies after everything that happened with Vana. 

It's unusual for the young, brown haired main character with the green eyes to fall for the darker types. Usually, she's into the blonde and strong young fella. (And she always gets him.) But what if the blonde fella never saw her, and now she's into the mysterious and cool kinda older wizard man? I think I give away too much. But Ed is not just someone from the streets. I happen to know him, and knowing he's this sort off well-organized and cool, makes him attractive. I just don't know him on a personal level, but seen from a failed pauper kinda level, it's so strong and wealthy and interesting. THE number one pagan macho from Castlefest. I just decided I better don't. He has it all in my opinion. 

But I better keep away from CF, and let it be. For my mental health. And it's just that in my mind, we keep on being enemies and we fight in mysterious ways, though we talk very well. He's a witchmaster, who knows he has ways to the human mind. I don't know if he would love my meatballs and raisin cake and cuddle endless with me if I would dare. It's a bit civilized how I imagined us. I can't keep up with that standard at the moment. And sponges? Really? This man has caught my visions into sponges? (And that's the reason for them to have become blurry.) 

It's just that he always looks cranky when I see him. I think I would say no, but I would like to challenge him into a smile first. I know it's morning 'on the way to your job.' - crankyness, probably. It's always as stiff as a wooden plank. But it could also be their general attitude towards me. I wish he would smile at me and try to look nicer first. Let's keep that as a standard first. Relationships don't dwell on crankyness. It's a meatball-soap. (Gehaktballen soap.) But that's because so little happens and I react to it like a stoned shrimp somehow. I over-think him too much. Still he is sexy in this surrounding. I wish I could trust myself with it. Truly saying no to something special when his car crashes down the road and he needs me. For example. But for now it's just nothing. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good afternoon at the 3th off June, 2024.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's been cloudy and somewhat fresh outside today. 

*

Last night ended with the delusion off a witchmaster trying to spell me with sea spunges. I happen to believe Ed owns an aquarium with ink spitting sea spunges. And he wants to captivate my mind in them. I had to look up if Porifera, like how they're named in latin, could spit ink, and what they look like for real. I don't know if you can actually own an aquarium with living sea spunges and use them for spells. But they don't happen to spit ink. I had to look up what they look like in real life. 

What I saw was more like the last photo, it's more off a bath sponge. I don't know if living sponges can come in round shapes. I know they don't spit ink. And I don't know if you can captivate visions and delusions in them. But Ed is not a common witchmaster. He's my crush, and he's a talent in his field. But we're supposed to be enemies. So catching me and keeping me captivated in a sponge it is. But the sponge inks when it becomes to much for it. Out off emotional terror. I can think and feel quite heavy and overwhelming. To fight with Mister Ed felt kinda heavy. Being madly in love while you have to reason in a fight is hard. He came in here at first as a vulture, or a hawk, with a prey bird cap, trying to gain information. But then I found out he has captivated me in a sea spunge. It's not always easy to have fallen for the dark witchmaster. He wasn't allowed to know, and he even wanted a fee for it. 'Off, you scoundrel! You have a well-paid job!' But the vulture kept on sticking out it's claw with a sack attached to it. 'Wait, now I have to pay you?' I keep on assuming he's rich and wealthy somehow. I don't want to pluck men, but them after a fee from me? Luckily I could break the seaspunge spell- simply by looking at it. It was gone and I broke it.  

After a stubborn while, he was gone, He kept on disbelieving this was actuall Zaandijk, Zaanstad. But he had to take it for granted. I got even more impressed by his incredible skills, offcourse. But he also seemed so harsh and cold in the delusion. And spunges don't ink. It's such a story, I do hard disbelieving it this day. I think my mind has something else as a suprise for me tonight. I have to keep myself sane. It's difficult. I don't know if people can own living seaspunges. They're wild sea animals. To keep them in an aquarium?  

See, my love for Edo is kinda hard. It brings out delusions. He's a cool man, but it's difficult. I decided it's a sane, fair no if I ever get even closer than just a vague passing by. They can lock me up if it goes any further I believe. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 25th off May, 2024.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today the weather was cloudy and changing. 

*

I'm going to do something strange: I'm going to congratulate Mark van der Stelt on his new marriage, and I'm honest. It's granted, man, congratulations. 

While Natasha gave me the impression off a venomous snake with the standards off Peggy Bundy from Married with Children with a cold heart I simply hated, this one seems much nicer. After all, Mark is not in love with me, but it doesn't matter. I'm fan off everything that bans the poisonous snakes. I was in SUCH a catfight with Natasha. But his new wife seems nice. 

I just think I can't stand being at Vana Events anymore after so much pain I went through. It has hurt a lot. And I can't stand looking at Mark's facebook for too long, but it's good for people to have so much public information posted on the internet. At least I'm informed. And I'm a good sport, So congrats! 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 13th off May, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's been sunny outside with a thunderstorm at the end off the day. 

*

FASHION WITCHES 

I'm going to make a statement. Let's take the idea off a witch, a rockchick, a rebel, one with a big posture, and give her thick black liner and a posture she could wrestle a man with, and make her an ICON. 

The idea off Barbie-Gothic? Let's make her a true witch! One who looks like she can bite Putin's head off instead off the moraly correct fashion trends we're in nowadays. Let's not be ugly and abused anymore after this. Back with the volume lashes, back with the details. 

Not to brag, and make the fashion Fantasy-style detailed. Because the witch is real, and she can truly use her powers and her impression against Putin. Let's not look like biten dogs, let's be tigresses against Russia. Let's be / look not to mess with, 

It should rock, it should look venomous, and let's be too witty to be captivated by other's jealousy. 'But I'm not jealouse at all, Bitch, please, You're jealouse at me!'  

Let's be rockchick witches with a witty sense off humor against Putin. Out off the window with well-behaved and civilized! Let's be unruly with it. But in a cool manner. An alternative 'I can take on your shit' manner. 'I have survived and beware me.' Manner. The demon herself, but re-nuild up by god from the ashes off poverty, to give her some dignity again. Fashion, a lifestyle, a way to cope- let's be true Fashion Witches, rockchicks and wits! And we should make the impression like Putin has to fear us. And don't always be the noble kin they keep us for. Let's be a bit crooked, wrong and vulgair. But done tastefully, like an intelligent and witty vampire. Like stated, out off the window with overly-civilized out off poverty and fear! Let's put on black lip-liner around a nude lipstick, and bite Putin's neck!

Allright, statement made - 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 1st off May, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was warm and sunny in the Netherlands for a day in May. 

*

Today, my hobby went a direction with my creativity. I had yoghurt and time on hands, and though I promised not to do so, I baked. I prepared a natural quark cake from package in a Nordic Ware loaf pan. 

In the 75th anniversary loaf pan, that one I got on a discount with points, some time ago before the Ukraine war. My creativity went on with it, and it came out perfectly. Though it's plain quark cake without raisins or other adjustments. They had the luck I had 200 grams off plain yoghurt left, and some fresh eggs. And offcourse, that Nordic Ware loaf pan, ordinairy mortals are not likely to purchase during this crisis. It's darn expensive. 

It's a bit against my principles, but I haven't kept to them today. It's just that my creativity got me, and wanted that loaf pan, on that pretty cake plate. It's perfect for Beltaine tomorrow. Sometimes it calls to be celebrated. Though I haven't prepared an altair for it, it's just that it sometimes creeps up in me and it wants to be celebrated somehow. I think this is done with left overs and it's nothing too fancy, it's all been skills and just 'what I had on the shelves.' But there, a small gesture to the fairies and the gods tomorrow. (As if they haven't made me do it.😉) Like I said, like previous year, Beltaine wants to be celebrated. And this year, it's a bit small and humble, but it feels as if it's somehow there. It's perfect for this crisis. It did not demand too much, but it's beautifull this way. Though my lack off attempts this year, in my heart I'm still a pagan. And I can feel when this is asked by the gods. So, a small sacrifice for tomorrow. 

I'm not going to explain this to my fellow clients. I just hope they enjoy their cake. They don't know the concept off modern pagan, let alone witch. (In this conservative town, it's still feared.) But I keep a good attitude towards them, so they know I'm a good and giving person. And sometimes I make small remarks and jokes. But I know and feel I better keep it to myself to them. 

In beautifull, old fashioned Zaandijk, surrounded by green buildings and flowers, Beltaine asks to be celebrated in all modesty, in the sweetest way possible. So with a nice home made cake. And that's how I answer 'the call.' that's within me this year. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good morning at the 19th off February, 2024, 2.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's almost 02.00 o'clock. I still can't see the weather outside. 

*

The hell with Faust made me unpopulair among Vana Events. People assumed I was a brainless barbiedoll after just one thing. But I'm not like that, and I never have been. It kinda shove me away from the cool metal head boyfriends I actually wanted. And now I have that issue with cute blonde, geeky men and pagan priests, when it's into Vana Events, they are likely to know me from the forum and loathe me for it. I'm famous in a bad way and it's quite an issue. I never got over it since I learned to hide away from it. I never got really close since most don't live in my place. But in far off places where I can't find them. 

I'm seen as pretty, but I'm no good and a bitch and a slut according to them. I'm working my ass off to prove their wrong. But they don't see. Nobody sees who I truly am. I have been hiding my real self for a lot off people. All the jealousy, all the hatred, all the gossip, all the haters, all the fake - it did just too bad for my nerves and I flipped on the subject. Vana was the cause off getting into the mental hospital and on these pills to begin with. It got me in the overdrive and killed my career. I could not take it very well. Still I felt the urge to state my opinion and stand by it. I should have stand by it better and not let them make me insecure about it. I should have never appologized, since I always have been right all along. I shouldn't have backed down. Those people are annoying when it comes to taking things with a limb off salt, where I have done so long before. 'Goddamn it people, take it with a limb off salt. Just like I do.' It's what is said about it all the time, but still they don't get it. Am I harsh or are they just stupid?  I think it's the last and it doesn't make me a bitch to fight back against them. 

I'm not a bitch. I'm just honest and real. It's hard fighting with people on the level off a few sandbox toddlers, while I feel like an adult. It's hard to win a serious argument from someone who uses 'I'm gonna burst out and cry.' as an argument, and you have to quit from the moderator. While you're actually into a serious discussion. I'm not into the austriches, the whiners and the sexists. But this is not what paganism is supposed to be like in my opinion. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

  

Good morning at the 19th off February, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's almost 01.00 o'clock, it's dark outside and I can't see the weather. 

*

Question: Have you ever been in love with Faust from the Vana Events forum, or his real life self? 

Answer: 

That man has been my personal nightmare. I felt awfull about him. Delustional, and I have been calling him things in my head that are not fit to repeat on here. And that was before the cheat-thing where he suddenly had someone else. I'm fine with that, to be honest. We where never a thing, though there where several rumors about it. And that's for the better because I can't stand the man. I even have been calling him terrible things related to his Jewish background, even including the holocaust and WWII. You don't want to know how bad it was. I downright hate him. 

I never said so in real life and I felt obsessed with it at some point, to the point where it drove me insane. I felt I better kept distance from him since he was the main source off my delusions and feeling awfull, while he drove me in a corner, claiming he was about to 'get me pregnant. Hearhearhear.' Just like that. It's terrible to an unfertile woman like me when they joke about that. He drove me batshit insane, and the worse thing was that powerless feeling, off not being capable to speak up how I felt about that baboon's face. He looks like a baboon with a jewfro and buckteeth. He's just terrible to look at. And he wears those pesky 'Look, I'm a macho.' sunglasses everywhere, which are stupid. He's NOT my type, and he has never been. I felt most awfull about not being capable to tell the truth. People assumed his feelings where mutual and I would or had to answer positive. Which was not te case, and which makes Vana some sort off a sect in my opinion, forcing people to do what they want. 

I don't want a fucking baby with that retard. He doesn't respect me, he behaves too macho in a male dominant way and he thinks he's a whole lot off something. He's not my type. 

I have the song 'Just a girl.' by No Doubt in my head with this. People see me as too girly girly and simple to even get it. Even to a point where it's humiliating. Assaulting, overruling and sexist. 

But I'm not, Just like the song, I've had it up to here with them. There are certain reasons for me to never to come back to Castlefest. I wish him and his new girl all the luck. But forget about me. 

Let's post No Doubt on here: 

Good afternoon at the 26th off December, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy outside in the Netherlands. 

*

Mom got out off bed yesterday, and we all celebrated Christmas togheter so it was still fun to be here during the holidays. 

Today I will head back to my small home in Zaandijk, after dinner. 

I have good news for you, in two years more positive planetar constellations are in the air. The planets that seem to withold war and crisis are in a diffrent sign, and it seems more positive so far. This war and crisis won't last untill no extend, and it's good to hold on to that idea. There is a day after tomorrow for planet earth. But for now, we just have to sit out 2024. Which will be crisis. I'm certain off that. But it will fade off one day, and it won't be here forever. The cliché is when Uranus gets out off Taurus in 2025. Uranus also has been in Taurus during WWII. There are astrological rumors the war in Ukraine will end by then. It's a miracle if it happens before that point. If the economical crisis and the massive inflation will also truly end by then, I don't know. 

In my personal visions, I have seen 2028. Uranus will get to Gemini in 2025. I'm not certain wheter the Ukraine war will stop at the exact date off the transit. Something as brilliant as the bank crisis and Pluto in Capricorn on that exact day we are probably not likely to see again. I don't believe it, to be honest. That was just too brilliant for an astrological transit. But positivity is on it's way in two years. Pluto will transit to Aquarius in January 2024. And Neptune goes to Aries in 2025. Saturn will be permanent in Aries in 2026. 

But coming to think off it, I don't know if it's favorable to have a lot off planets in Aries with a war going on. Since Aries is also a sign off agression, temper and war. It can either be the ending off big negativity, but it can also come with it's own kind off trouble. That's how mankind works. Still, all the positive signs can mean there is finally a better time coming up in the air and the problems will truly stop. But don't be too optimistic and positive all at once. It promises something better, it looks as if there are better times waiting for mankind. And now for real. But I learned not to be too optimistic in astrology and weigh everything to it's own. Some people would believe Capricorn would lead to a better way off mankind handling resources on earth. But that has been a fable. Aquarius can lead to bigger awareness to the greater good, but Aquarius can also be very ignorant. And getting to know people who are an Aquarius, learns they are sensitive. They don't like to crack a joke often. They are easily offended. And I can't call them down to earth. But in a prissy way. Most off the time they seem to count on sheer, dumb luck to make things work. It's not well thought out usually. I can't use them during a war. To be honest. I hope it's prissy enough to make the war end ASAP. To be honest. 

For mankind, it's probably good. But they're a bit straight on sometimes. And they can be simple. Not sophisticated. Simple and a bit too easy. Usually they solve things the easy way. And the computer department? Only when they have money for it! Otherwise, they're cheap. And it's a sign that loves to whine and complain in an annoying way. It's a bit childish. They are social, probably better grounded in social habits than Leo, and they seem to care about the weak compared to the capricorn. But usually, it's not favorable to have them care for you when you do bad. The women are usually short and fat. They are modern off style, though. And the colours are often light. They don't want it 'dark and offensive.' But 'Light and positive.' So mind that in fashion. I don't expect peace all at once. I do expect a fashion change. I don't know a lot about Aquarius psychology. I have been calculating the Capricorn well, but that's because I understood how they think and work. Aquarius is uncommon ground for me. I know them only from a distance. But I had a Capricorn parent, and I'm an old soul. So to understand the rules off Pluto in Capricorn somewhat worked out for me, though it was hard. Aquarius I'm not familiair with. It's a bit wait and see. I'm it's opposite sign. (Leo) It can work out well, it can work out bad. The other generation signs, however, are going to be in my favor in two years. It could be good, for once for me. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading. 

    

   

Good evening at the 29th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cloudy, grey and stormy outside. It's depressing Autumn weather. 

*

I know for people like Natasha I'm death. She avoids and ignores me like the plague and pretends I don't excist anymore, just like the others. I suppose they don't even read the 'Vana goes bankrupt.' prediction from previous post, while it's important. I don't know if they can still afford internet. That could also be the case. 

To some, Natasha van der Stelt is holy and sacred, to me, she's just a stupid cunt who treats me like shit. I can't think off her pretentious and arrogant ass as holy. I don't like the downright snob. I never liked her to begin with. I think off her as a big hypocrit. 

She should READ these weblogs instead off sticking her head in the sand and pretent it's not there. Just like the news and the inflation. She is offcourse a free being, but nowadays  I think off her as a stupid being, not being informed about the world and not caring enough. A woman is only as wise as her surrounding likes to make and see her. She's just another arrogant snob, and nothing more or less than that. 

I could spend my energy and time a million times better than over-thinking about her and having issues with her, but it's there and I feel troubled over this stupid wife off the head organizer. I suspect her to be jealouse off me. And un-emancipated and fake. I could throw mud on her illiteral face an entire weblog long. I hate her that much. And she hates me, too. She has done violence to the whole sacred, emancipated vieuw on women in modern Dutch paganism. I can't say it other than that. She and her whole fake 'Rather be an innocent housewife than a kick-ass bitch.' Attitude. I hate it. She's not modern enough for what she does, but rather throws them 200 years back in emancipation. It's just too bad. And then the gossip, the lies and behind the elbow-tactics with them. In your face is too rude, but below the belt everything is accepted so it seems. And that's not it. It's just not it. She's not cool. 

 I should not fear her anymore. Let's be brave, honest and do the right thing about it. 

Vana Events is corrupt. You better don't believe them. They are fake and gossip a lot about people. I see myself as too honest to get along with it. The World should know about it. They are going to tell you I'm mad and schizophrenic, but that's not about it with it. It's them and their massive stupidity these days and it has always been. I think it's about time people are going to listen for once. This is not Schizo, it's the truth. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 28th off October, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been cloudy and cold sweater weather. With here and there a rainshower. 

*

If this was a gossip magazine, a tabloid, with famous celebrity scandals, then what would I make it's headline for this evening? 

***

CASTLEFEST DISCONTINUED, 

VANA EVENTS GOES BANKRUPT, MARK DWELLS IN SCANDALL, NATASHA STILL PLUMPED IN EXPENSIVE MAKE-UP. 

I have to tell you the next: If Vana Events continues the way they have always been, they will go shit sane bankrupt next year, due to increasing inflation on everything and tickets being un-avoidable expensive, (Otherwise the whole event would be downright impossible.) And it's also because people can't afford to smoke otherwise. They can't afford their cigarettes and shag if they would continue Castlefest. And smoking is a pre in those cases. Vana will not be capable to scratch their ass anymore from poverty next year ('Geen cent om je achterste mee te krabben.') if this crisis and their crisis management is this awfull. And Frankenstein not willing to take me serious. 

End off prediction, I expect the news to take place next year September or October, and let me tell you this: It's a big laugh for me, and a big loss for them. 

***

Today was not for baking. The care staff off service has promised us appeltaart tomorrow, she did bake and my works are not necessairy this week. Still I purchased ingredients, but I will work that out next week. So no scrumptious picture for today. But it's a promise for next week. 

Today was for being at de Boed, and I'm holding a cozy and nice Samhain ritual this evening. I'm burning candles and incense on my altair. 

And another thing: 

Faust really has to F*ck off, since he never really was a thing with me at all. So no mercy or pity for him. He can F*ck off to his own whore. And start shitstories about her getting pregnant. Maybe he already has her pregnant, but that's not off my concern. I'm free as a bird these days. He's not my man and never has been. I let go off him. And my heart is free. Life is too short and too much fun to be mocked by morons. It has taken me some time, but I'm over with it. I never wish to see him again. That's about it for me. 

I really had to share these messages with you for tonight. It felt important. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good morning at the 7th off September, 2023.

 Good morning everyone, 

Tonight my curtains are closed, which means I can´t see the weather outside for now. 

*

There is something I wish to share with you, it's been on my mind for quite some time. 

Muslims call it Sadaqua, It's part off Christian religion and Buddhists swear by it and say it has huge impact on your next lives. I mean charity. The art off donating goods, food and money to those who do less and share in your wealth. 

It's just that I haven't found only one pagan god or godess who rules charity. Donating items, to get human beings closer to the gods, is not part off western pagan religion and it lacks it. Especially in times like this. I feel close to god when donating items to the give away closet down the hall, But to say I donate for the holy father out off the name off the lord goes too far and is not what I seek for when trying to describe the holy feeling I get when sharing items with gratefull people who appreciate. Their gratefullness is my biggest reward, and it's truly a divine feeling I got from it. It's just that there is no god or godess who hits the nail on the head and claims it as theirs. Just like the feeling off compassion for the other. Whatever you do is returned three times back to you, but it's no feeling off compassion for a soul that's descripted. Compassion is the kind off chivalry you feel for someone when they do less in your eyes, but you wish to lend them a hand. Or the feeling to let someone go who has done wrong to you. For something that didn't matter at all to you. 

I think pagans are a bit selfish. I talk about the modern folks who say 'seize the day.' And live happily for themselves without looking after the other. It's a Christian habbit and I appologize if I offend someone with it, but it's been the Christians who came with that idea in western Europe. 

In christianity and all monotheistic religions, they await the return off the messiah to relief us from doom and our sins. Because they believe we can't do it ourselves and mankind is selfish to begin with. We can't help ourselves according to them. 

But what if they are wrong? What if mankind can take it upon them to free themselves from hatred and greed, and start truly practicing the good values and don't need Jezus Christ or the messiah anymore? Most off the time I have low faith in mankind either. Just another murder, just another war, just another act out off selfishness in the headlines off the news. Is there truly no hope for mankind? You'd start to believe they are all death rotten evil on the inside. But what if... 

What if there is still only a spark off hope,  and mankind can become a good society where everyone fullfills their part and accepts one another (To begin with) And start practicing good deeds and acts off kindness and works hard alltogheter to improve the world? 

Today I donated a toothbrush in the package from Colgate and a tube off Prodent cool mint toothpaste to the give away closet down the hall. My act off kindness today was donating a fresh breath and a groomed mouth to someone. Sometimes it's that simple, to do good. I have to be honest with you that I purchase these items in multipacks with huge discounts on the internet, and that I can miss a package or two sometimes. Not everyone has that luxury. But somehow I believe it's not hard, if you can afford, to step over your pride and your ego, and donate to poor people. 

These times are so selfish and egocentric, it's disgusting. And it's looked down upon to do something against it and do something at all for the other. To be honest, like with everything in my life, I follow my own path since I believe to give and donate is utmost good. The give away closet usually looks a bit empty. But I can barely turn my back and re-watch and my donations are gone. Lately I had two pumps off Dettol hand soap for the poor people off my small appartment flat. I got back to my home, and half an hour later when passing by they where gone. People can use my gifts. But somehow I would like to see there where more like me who could or who simply would donate. Maybe they should promote the whole idea off the give away closet to people. I like to believe the people who live in this building are too poor to donate something themselves, not selfish. Maybe they don't have the capacity to be able to miss something like I do with my huge stock in the storage room. (I should try to finish items first before purchasing something new. That's going to be the goal for the next half a year.) But still, if I receive a multipack off goods, I donate a package down the hall for those who can use it. 

I do so with shampoo, conditioner, showergel, bodybutter, toothpaste, laundry wash and softner, toothbrushes, and so on. I believe lately I made someone very happy with a shower foam. I have been doing so for quite some time. I do so for the grace off god and the gods and buddha. That almighty feeling I have inside when putting something in there. And the feeling I made people happy with it. It's good to give. 

It's just that pagans should have a god where this belongs with. To donate, to give, and to share. And examples (Tales and legends) off people who got rewarded for gifts. In my opinion, some things should be stated in as many religions as possible. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Mother off Ancestors, the Vana Wickerbeast from 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

I can't see Vana as emancipated, I can't see it's crowd as emancipated. 

They have been trying to push me into motherhood, and called me a slut and a whore and a barbie when I rejected. I don't want to be a mother, but A LOT off alternatives went off and started catcalling and slutshaming me alltogheter for a long period off time. I don't believe the gods haven't seen that. It's an offend for Paganism, it's an offend for any true worshipper off a female tripple godess and I stick with my words. 

Somehow I also think the crowd is waaaay too much into having kids themselves, seeing it as the duty almost off women to become a mother, preferably at a young age, or she is dedicated a slut. I can't see Fantasy as emancipated to be honest, there are too much off examples off sexism in a lot off works. Pagans being too much into Fantasy novels have their mind probably a bit muddied, and I believe this Wickerbeast, pure and innocent as she seems, should not be at Castlefest, where all women should be to die for so pretty, or they fall behind. Another thing that itches. I don't want to be today's sweetheart where the next day I'm thrown away in the thrash because some jerk sees me as ugly. That's not emancipated. I have a personality, a heart, a soul, I'm a fire witch with the power off a true and original godess. As long as they keep on treating me utmost rude, this wickerbeast is a lie and I'm not good with it when it's presented to me like this. Vana is an organisation ruled by men, and somehow it seems to me more insecure women seem to go with it, not pleased with how I behave, while in a modern era, they should re-think themselves and just as good respect someone like me. I'm decent, proud, a hard worker and a believer in doing good. But nothing but disrespect and being treated like thrash has befallen me. I don't believe Vana at all anymore. They have to think a little harder when they try to put up a show with a wicker godess again. I believe this weather is proof off my right. Vana is NOT emancipated, and this gift to the gods is NOT accepted.