Good morning at the 19th off February, 2024, 2.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's almost 02.00 o'clock. I still can't see the weather outside. 

*

The hell with Faust made me unpopulair among Vana Events. People assumed I was a brainless barbiedoll after just one thing. But I'm not like that, and I never have been. It kinda shove me away from the cool metal head boyfriends I actually wanted. And now I have that issue with cute blonde, geeky men and pagan priests, when it's into Vana Events, they are likely to know me from the forum and loathe me for it. I'm famous in a bad way and it's quite an issue. I never got over it since I learned to hide away from it. I never got really close since most don't live in my place. But in far off places where I can't find them. 

I'm seen as pretty, but I'm no good and a bitch and a slut according to them. I'm working my ass off to prove their wrong. But they don't see. Nobody sees who I truly am. I have been hiding my real self for a lot off people. All the jealousy, all the hatred, all the gossip, all the haters, all the fake - it did just too bad for my nerves and I flipped on the subject. Vana was the cause off getting into the mental hospital and on these pills to begin with. It got me in the overdrive and killed my career. I could not take it very well. Still I felt the urge to state my opinion and stand by it. I should have stand by it better and not let them make me insecure about it. I should have never appologized, since I always have been right all along. I shouldn't have backed down. Those people are annoying when it comes to taking things with a limb off salt, where I have done so long before. 'Goddamn it people, take it with a limb off salt. Just like I do.' It's what is said about it all the time, but still they don't get it. Am I harsh or are they just stupid?  I think it's the last and it doesn't make me a bitch to fight back against them. 

I'm not a bitch. I'm just honest and real. It's hard fighting with people on the level off a few sandbox toddlers, while I feel like an adult. It's hard to win a serious argument from someone who uses 'I'm gonna burst out and cry.' as an argument, and you have to quit from the moderator. While you're actually into a serious discussion. I'm not into the austriches, the whiners and the sexists. But this is not what paganism is supposed to be like in my opinion. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

  

Good morning at the 19th off February, 2024.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's almost 01.00 o'clock, it's dark outside and I can't see the weather. 

*

Question: Have you ever been in love with Faust from the Vana Events forum, or his real life self? 

Answer: 

That man has been my personal nightmare. I felt awfull about him. Delustional, and I have been calling him things in my head that are not fit to repeat on here. And that was before the cheat-thing where he suddenly had someone else. I'm fine with that, to be honest. We where never a thing, though there where several rumors about it. And that's for the better because I can't stand the man. I even have been calling him terrible things related to his Jewish background, even including the holocaust and WWII. You don't want to know how bad it was. I downright hate him. 

I never said so in real life and I felt obsessed with it at some point, to the point where it drove me insane. I felt I better kept distance from him since he was the main source off my delusions and feeling awfull, while he drove me in a corner, claiming he was about to 'get me pregnant. Hearhearhear.' Just like that. It's terrible to an unfertile woman like me when they joke about that. He drove me batshit insane, and the worse thing was that powerless feeling, off not being capable to speak up how I felt about that baboon's face. He looks like a baboon with a jewfro and buckteeth. He's just terrible to look at. And he wears those pesky 'Look, I'm a macho.' sunglasses everywhere, which are stupid. He's NOT my type, and he has never been. I felt most awfull about not being capable to tell the truth. People assumed his feelings where mutual and I would or had to answer positive. Which was not te case, and which makes Vana some sort off a sect in my opinion, forcing people to do what they want. 

I don't want a fucking baby with that retard. He doesn't respect me, he behaves too macho in a male dominant way and he thinks he's a whole lot off something. He's not my type. 

I have the song 'Just a girl.' by No Doubt in my head with this. People see me as too girly girly and simple to even get it. Even to a point where it's humiliating. Assaulting, overruling and sexist. 

But I'm not, Just like the song, I've had it up to here with them. There are certain reasons for me to never to come back to Castlefest. I wish him and his new girl all the luck. But forget about me. 

Let's post No Doubt on here: 

Mother off Ancestors, the Vana Wickerbeast from 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

I can't see Vana as emancipated, I can't see it's crowd as emancipated. 

They have been trying to push me into motherhood, and called me a slut and a whore and a barbie when I rejected. I don't want to be a mother, but A LOT off alternatives went off and started catcalling and slutshaming me alltogheter for a long period off time. I don't believe the gods haven't seen that. It's an offend for Paganism, it's an offend for any true worshipper off a female tripple godess and I stick with my words. 

Somehow I also think the crowd is waaaay too much into having kids themselves, seeing it as the duty almost off women to become a mother, preferably at a young age, or she is dedicated a slut. I can't see Fantasy as emancipated to be honest, there are too much off examples off sexism in a lot off works. Pagans being too much into Fantasy novels have their mind probably a bit muddied, and I believe this Wickerbeast, pure and innocent as she seems, should not be at Castlefest, where all women should be to die for so pretty, or they fall behind. Another thing that itches. I don't want to be today's sweetheart where the next day I'm thrown away in the thrash because some jerk sees me as ugly. That's not emancipated. I have a personality, a heart, a soul, I'm a fire witch with the power off a true and original godess. As long as they keep on treating me utmost rude, this wickerbeast is a lie and I'm not good with it when it's presented to me like this. Vana is an organisation ruled by men, and somehow it seems to me more insecure women seem to go with it, not pleased with how I behave, while in a modern era, they should re-think themselves and just as good respect someone like me. I'm decent, proud, a hard worker and a believer in doing good. But nothing but disrespect and being treated like thrash has befallen me. I don't believe Vana at all anymore. They have to think a little harder when they try to put up a show with a wicker godess again. I believe this weather is proof off my right. Vana is NOT emancipated, and this gift to the gods is NOT accepted. 

Good evening at the 6th off August, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's stormy, raining cats and dogs and it's bad weather for a day in August. 

*

Yesterday evening, at the 5th off August, Castlefest has been burning 'The mother off Ancestors.' A wickerbeast dedicated to women, emancipation and motherhood, and something about it itches. I can't see Vana as emancipated at all after how they treated me during my time with them. It's no miracle the weather is this bad during Castlefest. Speaking off requesting the gods, this is probably what you got. 

Vana has been slutshaming, catcalling, and somewhat violently pushing me into a role I don't wish to be into, due to their vision on my opinion, which they call a big mouth, but which I would call adjust.

Vana keeps on telling me 'to become a mother.' 'Let someone impregnate you.' 'Keep your mouth shut and become a mother, and become less off a vixen.' In my opinion, this whole wickerbeast was nothing less than a big scam. Vana Events is NOT emancipated, and I believe some things are not suitable to personificate their wickerbeast. I don't wish to be a mother, I am a mental patient in psychiatric health, I have problems with my fertility, and so on. It's a big offend to keep on telling me to 'Get pregnant and shut up.'

Now Mark and Natasha being all hypocrit and ment for the appearance off Castlefest with this one, this one falls pretty wrong with me, and it's a lie and an offend to me personal. I have NEVER been treated with the right respect. Not as a maiden, not during this era off my adulthood and I believe it will never come with them. They try to force me with a man I see as highly unsuitable for me and who I have never seen as attractive. (Yoram B.) Is this Wickerbeast dedicated to me personally? I don't accept it. I won't come back for another big lie off a wickerbeast. Also given the rude way it's been going with Yoram and how he wanted to get rid off me, by picking a younger girlfriend. THAT is not emancipated. Vana ignoring the matter while I contacted them about it several times makes it even worse. You guys emancipated? Do you believe it yourself? I'm not into Yoram, but I tried to contact them about the matter because it was rude off him the way that went. He even called me ugly and said there where more pretty women on the terrain than me. His girlfriend is a frele bimbo with blonde curls, where I'm a fat, cool blonde with glasses. Somehow Vana calling themselves emancipated itches and it's NOT adjust. I have been telling Mark: 'Have you fallen off off your religion?' in some letters. If this is how he wants to get his face back, by burning some straw doll instead off showing and acting truly and for real, then he is one hell off fake in my opinion. I can't see Vana as emancipated and this whole wickerbeast was a big scam.  I think it's an offend for the gods to any true pagan.   

I believe the gods agree with me, seen the weather. This was not Castlefest weather worthy. When it comes to Vana: Don't believe a word they put up with, it's fake and the gods cry over it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 14th off December, 2022.

 Good evening everyone,  

It's freezing and ice cold outside. It's no weather for wimps. 

*

About Vana Events, 

How does an organisation that calls itself emancipated have such unemancipated, unwritten rules, and how come idiots with unemancipated vieuws have made themselves so dominant among them? How come people look away when it comes to that, and why do they slut shame and body shame as much as they do? 

They have one unemancipated tut called Natasha and she is NOT cool when she shows us another picture on the internet about how pretty she is. Covered in expensive gowns and make-up while most people in the fantasy scene can't afford that, and since when are women forced to wear make-up by those unwritten rules? That's not cool. It would be much more off a cool thing for Natasha to show herself without make-up, with wrinkles, glasses and as natural and true as she is. Instead off playing the high madam, she better tones it down this year due to the energy crisis and people not being capable to afford it anymore. She's not cool when she tries to impress people with a low income who can't afford it anymore with expensive make-up, jewels, and clothes. Not to say about her hair. She sucks. She's not emancipated but her drive to look stunning despite the crisis is not the only thing that bothers me. She catcalls people, and she wishes to drag down the self-confidence off young women by saying they have too much guts. Which a woman off that position should NEVER declare to someone a bit minor to that, she only adresses  you that when she has her two ladies in waiting siding her, on a crowded Keltfest. Otherwise I bet she would never have had the nerves for it, and she can't bring up the character to respond to it.  I think she is the shamefull one in this case. 

Am I jealouse off her? If I tell you I'm not you will tell me I am, and that's another thing that bothers me about the Fantasy scene: The whole fixation on jealousy. I hate that. I rather go through life not jealouse and my heart as free as a breeze. I rather want to fight for something someone else has for my own, instead off envying them. I wish never to act out off jealousy. I suppose a lot off men have betrayed their women in those circles for it to have become that low. I would never steal a man, and I don't like it when people declare me that. I guess they have envied me for my youth and my power when I was young. And my beauty. No matter how loud and vulgair they declare nowadays I'm 'Not Pretty.' Hearhearhear. They can't stand me and they play filthy tricks on me, and that is the truth. 

A man was stolen from me, and then they started to declare me ugly. I wish to get more clarity in my own emotions before even giving in to those nasty delusions that came with it. I have been put into a mental hospital because that happened, I wrote letters and postcards to Vana due to it, but they never had the character to respond to it at all. Vana is a bit buisy on the ladder off unemancipatedness and filthy tricks, and that's why I decided to write this blog, and simply because I hate Natasha, who everyone is supposed to like since she never shows being such a BITCH to most people, and you just have to love her for everything she does according to them, but I downright hate her. She doesn't kick ass, she is not cool, she is unemancipated, she tells people to get married and have children or they don't count anymore, She's too made up for a crisis and she doesn't stand her ground. When Vana has to defy colour in a political field, they don't stand their ground and bounce back from it. Which is not a cool thing. 

It's also a thing that you HAVE to find love, and HAVE to be in a relationship and get married and have children as soon as possible. Or you're somewhat off a misfit among them. That's not cool either. People (Like me) might have their sane reasons to be single and never to have been in a relationship in their entire life, and that's not a stage play I put up, or a drama, but simply the way things always have been for me and how my life is designed. Maybe it's just ment for me to devote my life to cooking for others, be a mental patient, be a  fat, ratchet bitch, and do exactly as I please. It has pros when you remain single your entire life and that's MY destiny. I don't want others to judge me so hard on it. But it's a thing that comes from them to get comitted as soon as possible when you're young, or you're a slut and a whore. 

I got declared a whore and a slut a thousand times over. Which is not emancipated either. I don't want to look all made up, but I don't want to look all dolled down either. I don't want to steal men from their women, but still be friends with them and I want to be free in what I do or don't, which gives me the tag off a whore among those people. I didn't want to be with Faust, and have his children. And all my flirting outside those lines where probably seen as whoring, or being an too uplifting spirit online, that could be it, too. I didn't want to bang around with them, I'm still standing above it all now I'm 30 and they have been talking nasty about me behind my back for 12 awfull years. Nothing is true about that. I kept my virginity, and my pride for me personal. No matter what they tell you about that. And that's one reason to keep on blogging: To keep on providing you the truth. Despite not being capable to defend myself when they gossip. I play it as straight and honest as possible when I do this. 

And then those playboy bunnies that where cool right after Faust got off with a younger, more pretty looking girl. As if male fertility was seen as something utmost cool, while I crippled in the insane assylum about it. That's awfull. It's terrible. I never had interest in Faust, Bloodshot always has been more my thing to be honest. But he is taken and I don't steal. But no one ever asked for my true opinion about it and now it's too late. They have always forced me inside a box I never fitted into when it came to men. Vana has been acting like a pig to me. 

I think it would be cool if true feminism woul become a thing again on those events and among pagans. Not the archetype off a mother who cooks behind her stove, but a true, untamed witch. Like me. Something true to believe in as it's bullshit they sell nowadays. What's with those big, violent, pig looking aso's that dominate the events nowadays? Vana has turned to shit and attracts assholes these years, but it's not something new, it's something from the previous years that's been happening. Even more male dominance, and female ignorance about it. I just hate it and it shouldn't be tolerated like that. If Natasha had more guts, she would stand up against such stupidity and finally do something about the polarisation and the people who follow her becoming more stupid by the minute. I think Vana only tolerates that for the money, just like the commercialism off Fantasy and Paganism. It brings up a whole lot off money if you sell it like that. If you tolerate the aso's and the bullying on events they bring with them. 

It's not completely due to Faust I have never came back to events, it's just been a drop in a full bucket I couldn't take anymore. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 8th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been cold and grey with hints off an icy sun here and there. It wasn't much off nice weather today. 

*

I have done things to myself to fit into a standard that might be lower than my actuall self. Taking less care off myself, or choose to degrade my looks not to look too overdone and make them think I'm a slut but they have been immensely spreading that rumor anyway. I hate them for it but I could have skipped the things I did out off fear off them judging me. Know who I mean? Those followers from Vana Events that wish to set me aside as a mindless, slutty barbiedoll. I don't know where they caught the nerves to do so. I never have proven anything about that rumor anyway. I just have been living up to showing myself more prude and ungroomed in the world than what I would otherwise find acceptable and what for? Out off fear. For people I never see. And when they do see me, they step onto my soul by being sexist and rude anyway. It's been the lowest way off showing a woman she is unwelcome and these are not delusions. These are things that have been truly happening and denying them is gaslighting and I don't accept that. It's best for me to stay out off those social circles for my own feeling off self. 

Things I didn't have to do: 

- Not wearing make-up 

It's common for women in the fantasy scene never to wear make-up. It's almost a statement against the fashion industry and I do so myself too. I barely wear any. I shouldn't have done it for them, or because being depressed as a doorknob over my (now ugly) looks hits in. 

- Dying my hair brown instead off blonde

Most ladies in the fantasy scene don't like the idea off blonde hair, while I just think it looks good on me if it's a more natural shade. I dyed my hair brown for people not to think off me as a slut some time ago. Nowadays I'm a blonde again and no one judges me for it. That's how it should be. I should be free to dye my hair in whatever colour I want it to. 

Now I'm as depressed as a doorknob, I can adjust skipping skincare and barely plucking my eyebrows to that list. I got called ugly by someone years ago on the last fantasy event I attended and the consequences off being seen like that hit me so hard I got sick again for years. I'm so depressed over my looks while I know I enjoy taking better care for myself and attempting to look good again. A little more pampering wouldn't do bad on me. I barely pluck the hairs in between my brows nowadays. I don't shave my body either. I feel depressed and bad about myself because off them and what happened to me in 2017. I'm not likely to forget such things happening. It has hurt. Beyond levels off acceptable. 

I can ask myself: What am I doing all off this for? They aren't going to see me. Being groomed to basic and acceptable again wouldn't do bad on me. Why am I doing this with them in the back off my mind? I could pamper myself for me. Since you should live your life for yourself and not for what others think off you. I feel sucked out and deeply depressed over my looks and I can't set myself to do a daily care routine for my skin, my hair or my make-up. I shower and I clean myself. That's a pro. I take care off hygiene and being a bit fresh but it could be much better. 

Vana Events has made me depressed over my looks. On such a level I barely think I'm 'worthit.' anymore and stopped grooming myself propperly. Something happened in 2017 on Castlefest that has left me broken. I'm not over with it yet. Vana Events is narrow minded and true evil. My heart and soul are broken because off everything that took place. I'm not capable to cope with it well. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 21st off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold with here and there some clouds. We've made it through quite a January this year. It's not over yet but winter feels heavy this year. Previous year, almost 15 people from Gortershof have died. Off old age mainly. Sometimes I have the feeling the air in my appartment sizzles from old women who fought each other at live and keep on doing so after they're death. I hope all their souls will find peace, however.  

*

I'm at my parental home to celebrate my dad's birthday. I thought I would never make it through this week. I had a hard time with sleeping issues and just it's general dullness. I don't have much money to spend or things on hand, and all I do is sit in my living room and drink coffee or tea, and write my weblog and watch YouTube video's. That's what I mainly do when I'm on myself. This Blue Week couldn't have stand out more in it's blueness. Little money to get by, only a course on psycho education about my disease this week, bad sleep and my dad's birthday which will never be the same since he died and the cold weather.  

Today I went to my mom's by train. I think it was good for me to have something to do today. I liked the small journey by train and bus to get at my point off arival. It's something to be capable to say something small like that feels like a nice adventure. There's not much I do in a week. I decided today to put on a yellow knitted sweater with a turtle neck which is very comfy. It's almost too loud for me but it's so nice and soft to wear. Loud sweaters are one off the best things in winter.  

Yesterday evening I had a terrible attack in my head. It felt like a screw got turned inside my head and I was doing hard with that feeling. I couldn't set it off. It was about that man who abandoned me for someone else. I loathe him for all that he is and I have probably always hated him as soon as he bragged about me being a whore for never wanting him. The rumors about me are not true. It felt like an incredible attack and it was hard to get it out off my head as it's an attack off anxiety I usually have about it. People don't know I'm fighting huge fears when it comes to this subject. I have been slutshamed to my bones by Vana Events over nothing. In a day and time where that is less and less acceptable, I think you have the right to know. The fears I'm still fighting are awfull but with some help from care staff I could set it off yesterday but I was doing hard. They have no respect for my dignity and what they do to me is just awfull. I have never been a whore or a slut but it's what they always adress me for being right. 

This evening is not an evening for poverty and despair. I'm not alone and we'll have ordered pizza this evening. Something I don't have every day. Tomorrow we'll have coffee with a slice off mocha cake and I'll come round this week. I'm low on money, but lucky on sources to help me this week. And the handsoap just smells good. So it was worthit.   

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.          

Good afternoon at the 4th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is moderately cold with showers off rain every now and then. 

*

I have been blogging frequently about being depressed, being too depressed to diet and groom myself, to have caused fights with Vana Events in 2018 and feeling ugly in general, in a time where body positive imaging is a thing. I think I should tell you the cause off all off this. I think my audience has the right to know what keeps me from being on track in this life and what makes me so utterly sad. 

I have been in psychiatric health for a while now. It's because off Vana Events it happened in the first place, but this incident that happened in 2017 was the cause off this whole shit I have been in since it took place. 

There was a man who gave joy to my life. He flirted with me and lightned my heart every time I was at those events, I just felt we where no match and that I couldn't give him enough and that he wasn't handsome. Somehow I felt it wasn't a match but he flirted with me, and at some point I believed we could eventually be something if we tried. It took place for a period off time off about 7 years. At the end off it, I fell in love myself and I believed we could be something. 

But one day after my 25th birthday, something nasty happened on Castlefest. Instead off being joyous and fun and flirty he was acting all cold and it hurt me but I didn't understand. His friend said: 'Why should we flirt with you? The most beautifull women off the country come here so why you?' To me while they passed by, him being all cold. 

And then while I took place at a picknick table, he showed up with a frele blonde woman with curls, being all flirty with her in my face and acting as cold as an ice berg towards me. Something in me broke. I couldn't go on from that moment on and he was very cold and mean while I left the event almost crying at the door. It was for me the permanent end to events. I tried somehow but I couldn't. I didn't have it in me to continue any event, while they had that beautifull wickertree dedicated to my idea, something so cruel took place I couldn't handle it anymore. 

I broke with all my event friends, I caused fights online, I had to be taken in at the mental hospital and my home situation wrecked. It felt like nobody listned to me in 2018, when I was all angry and broken hearted about it. Vana Events can be pretty cruel towards people they wish to reject. Not taking count off my feelings, which where wrecked and broken and so incredibly sad. I haven't come over being rejected for a pretty blonde ever since. In a time off body positive imaging and all women who should be respected for who they are, Vana choose the old fashioned path and started to slutshame, being nasty to fat women and do something like this to me. I look like an old hag, due to medication and being mental. I haven't seen any off them ever since. It was too much for me. That incident broke and wrecked me. I felt: 'I haven't much to give, it's all that I have, but appearently- it isn't enough. Everything I have is not enough.' That hurted incredibly. Care takers couldn't go on with me that way in that living situation. I was wrecked and mental, and I have deleted most posts from before winter 2018 since they where mad. I have gone mad over a man I wasn't even sure I liked. That stinks and it's not right. Yoram is a coward, he over acts being macho which doesn't suit me since I'm more off a thinker and not superficial but this hurted. Instead off giving me something nice for my 25th birthday he shoved me a depression and a mental wreck in my face the day after. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you all for reading.    

Vana Events sucks

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening was bright and sunny, there was no rain and it felt nice to be outside. 

*

Reading this weblog, it looks like ice coffee. The background resembles a perfect frappé if you take a good look at it. I don't know why anyone would do that, it doesn't look as fancy as the previous background, It's just the header with the birds and my colourings that looks better. Not if you read my endless stories about life. Damn it, badly choosen. 

About more than half off my problems on the internet would not excist if people wheren't such self-righteous, easily offended morons, but would take it with a sense off humor. That might have even been the clue to that whole Vana Events drama. Vana sucks major ass when it comes to this, they're easily offended, prissy and a bit stupid. They don't listen to what I had to say and they didn't take it very well when I came back to make up. They have a brick wall in front off their head. I wouldn't have bursted out in anger if they would have listened to me and understood what I said. It would have made things much easier. Now their precious Tinky Winky runs off with another woman, leaving my reputation torn apart and me in despair while when I come to think off it- I didn't even like the guy for real. It just blew my mind what was going on and I should be glad he picked a pretty blonde slut over me. Vana is guilty to a lot off things and they don't listen. It's getting all more insane by the minute. I'm glad I have gone off but it has ruined me in several ways to have befallen victim to them. I wish they would listen to my side off the story and take me more serious as it's batshit what's going on in their mind nowadays about me. - And not in a cool way. I'm upset about it. Offcourse I'm upset. What made them think I would take this neatly and not complain? It's not common to be such a morron like them. I don't like to be part off their cheap bullshit anymore. I became a mental and physicall wreck while it all happened. I'm finally getting out off it these days with help from mental health care- look where it brought me. It's all as insane and inappropriate as their behaviour and I hate them taking on this so lame. I wish I was listned to better and communicating with them wasn't so damn hard. I suppose they never took real education in communication skills for companies like you're suppose to do when you start one and what's with all the gossip a few years ago when I heard people saying everything was 'good.' again? That's not 'good.' That's nasty playing in my opinion. They suck ass. This shouldn't be found funny, it should be taken in account for them but I wish they would treat ME with more respect and tell me and appologize to ME. That would be behaviour to be proud off. This what they do at the current moment is just getting me more angry and frustrated all the time. They don't react and they think they are a whole lot better than me and that's not right. Their arrogance can light up the sky where they live and make space ships dizzy. 

I have been right for about ten years. 

Allright, that's about it-

Thank you for reading.  

I'm not your 'Barbiedoll.'

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was warm yet cloudy. It was a nice day in general. I returned home after visiting my brothers. 

*

I like to speak up about a subject that means a lot to me. 

While scapegoating me, Vana Events has been degredating me to some immature, pink loving, Britney Spears listening whore and they try to make me a playbunny to the lowest kind off level you don't have to take serious. I have to defend myself. That's not like me at all. I'm way too serious to be considered that and I think off this way off scapegoating as incredibly filthy. But that's how it has been and it's why they are stuck up with some morron thinking he can be sexist everywhere. I suppose it was a welcoming way off even bringing this to a further point while no one right in their head who has been around me would ever consider me that way. Allright, I'm a blonde and at times I dye my hair. But that's everything that can be said about it. I have to obey to some morron thinking he can do anything to me in that field but it goes too far and it's not allright with me. Most people in that scene don't know me for real but they have put up such a shamefull image for me and probably a lot off other women and it shouldn't go any further. It's a shame to Vana to put up women like me like that because they can't controll me any other way. I'm not in for it. I never have been. 

I'm serious but not cranky. That's probably it. I'm not as much as a sour old hag as most off their 'Serious.' bitches. I prefer a wide range off bald summer colours over black, that makes me a bit weird off a witch and I'm NOT overly jealouse though they like to make me seem that way. What do they have to hide themselves in that field? 

Rumors like this to a young girl / woman often come from men who can't have you in their bed, or women who are overly jealouse at you. It's some sort off a common wisdom to know. I never doubted myself as a woman who is true to herself. I like pink dresses, but I'm not a barbie doll. I'm not their barbiedoll and I never have been. I'm not a slut or a whore, I'm rather a holy virgin when it comes to it. And I don't want them in my bed. Something is off about this and I would like to know why they have came up with this nonsense some time ago. It's not right and it's not fair. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

I'm not like that

 Good evening everyone, 

The weather changes by the hour, it's sunny and then cloudy, and then sunny again. But it's not warm today. Japanese cherry blossoms are blooming and it's a pretty sight at the garden outside. 

*

I wish to state something about myself, I'm not a slut and I feel such pain when people point that at me. I don't like to be degradated that way since I'm actually rather prude and down to earth when it comes to it. As far as I'm aware off, there has never been any incident with me misbehaving anywhere. I have been on the good side for years while Vana and it's men have been on the evil side against me for ten painfull years and nobody ever stood up for me. They all behaved like sheep following a leader. And they still do. I feel better to have escaped them and stand on my own feet again. I live in a free country so I can wear owls on my shirt too. De uil zat in de olmen bij het vallen van de nacht, en achter gindse heuv'len, daar riep de koekoek zacht 'Koekoek!'. I feel like being the owl in the olms while they can't push themselves on the frontline enough to call me crazy and treat me that way. It's actually quite pathetic and shamefull off them to have been behaving like that all the time while you'd expect much better from them. I have seen it all, I have witnessed it all. In my freedom, I choose to leave and never come back since that would hurt me too much like it has always done. In my freedom, I choose not to follow them anymore since their rules and social morals have changed into something I can't find myself in any longer. I can't see the fun in the fantasy part anymore with such things going on on events, and nobody listening to me and taking me serious. It hurts and I don't want to be the victim to that. I'm mature and strong enough to choose my own path and leave. They called me a slut too much, they thought calling me a whore was cool, but I couldn't take it anymore and after something happened, I choose for myself. Despite all the hurt since leaving went with a proces off hurt and I had to find the strength in myself to go but I couldn't go on the way it was. I'm not a coward, I'm not a prissy, I'm not a slut. I'm probably too mature for them to take. It was too much to take on my shoulders and I'm no scape goat in a herd off blind sheep. I rather leave. It has hurt but it's over. 

How am I for real? 

I'm down to earth, I'm not a push over, I'm original and prude. I don't want people to go beyond my borders and if you do so I fight back. I rather wear high collars than decolletés, I dress simple yet classy and elegant for someone my size. I prefer pants over skirts, I wear flat shoes and I try to relativate the world with humor. I used to think I could do some cabaret, but when I try to crack a joke out loud, people barely understand half off it. So nowadays I rather keep shut not to offend people or to get weird looks from their faces. I wonder how I ever got to the reputation off a slut. If I had the choice between eating as much as I want without getting fat, or finding a man, I choose the first option. I love good foods and to prepare them. Men are a bit difficult sometimes and they are incredibly picky on women nowadays but I couldn't care less about litterally not fitting their standard. I feel uneasy having to change myself for 'love.' or 'lust.' So I don't do so. I prefer to be myself and let it all pass me by so I can walk at my own speed in life. I don't need a love partner. I need health care in the first place and a good man would run hysterically out off the collective room to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk if he would try to dive in to it. 

People are mad, anti-social and unmannered. I'd be ashamed if prince charming would step off his valiant steam and enter the building. I can't see it happening but I learned to live with it. People are a bit filthy if they become psychiatric patients but that's due to not caring about being groomed or what's appropriate anymore when you're in for a while. It's not fancy or hip and happening, or even on a normal standard off what's appropriate sometimes. I got a thick skin, I learned to live with it but I can understand if you're a picky, ten out off ten or above man, you'd be ashamed by it and that's why I choose men not to be my main concern but to get healthy and try to get better from schizophrenia and delusions. I'm at a point where delusions got less but they are still there. Especially when I'm alone at night. I still need psychiatric health care and that's also part off what I truly am: A psychiatric patient. I don't get why people from fantasy events downgrade me and hate on me so much. Life is bad enough already so far and I could do without all the bullying from strangers and mean people in the streets. I fight enough battles in real life. Some people would not believe me about the bullying, but it happens and it goes too far as far as that goes. It's one off the reasons I choose to quit fantasy events since the bullying hurts too much comparing it to good memories. It stings. 

Back to the point, how am I for real? Food loving, witty, creative, I love bald colours and outstanding clothes, I believe in mannerism in social traffic and I behave like an example in real life. I believe good mannerism opens doors for people and that's how I got to this place, by behaving soft and sweet without extentive agression or rudeness. I'm sensitive for that. I believe you get more things done from people if you behave well. And it feels better to behave soft and receive soft behaviour in return. That's how it mainly is. I'm not a bitch in real life. I don't like to be treated that way. Though I stand up for myself as that is always a good thing and I keep my personal borders in sight as that is not a bad thing either. 

I believe in comfy clothes, I prefer to go without make-up or with soft make-up which is never overdone. I hate too much make-up though I can do good make-up on myself if I feel like it. I believe in good personal hygiene though and I love to smell good. I prefer dark colours in my clothes as a base and then pick some lively items to stand out and make it look chique alltogheter. I don't wear much jewelry, though I wear earrings every now and then and I love cool earrings. I love nail polish and I wear that a lot. I almost holy believe in not being 'overdone.' in your look. It makes me look chique according to some. I'm fat and I wear glasses. I would be blind without them. If I would have to pick a few words to describe myself it's 

Fat-Sensitive-Wishing to prove myself - Chique- Disabled- Responsible- Misunderstood. 

I don't like the image people put up about me and how they treat me and gossip about me all the time. I hate it. I don't fear to stand up for myself and say something about it. I have always wondered why they do that and why they keep up with that for so long. What is their reason behind it? They're probably jealouse and wish to truly get me down somehow. Break my spirit since they fear me and all the cliches about that are probably true. I don't like them. Some people need to look at themselves before they even attempt to judge me as they don't know me. I prefer to stand up for myself instead off staying quiet and let it happen. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading. 

  

Devaluated

 Good evening everyone, 

Ever since I got devalued in fantasy scene eyes, I started to doubt myself and see myself as ugly. I prefer not to get out off the house, I don't like getting out off health care social circles and I have entered the status off someone with bad hygiene. I'm glad I'm taken care off by people. I feel depressed about what happened and I feel so bad being called ugly down to my face a few years ago. I remember such things too well. I got called ugly a lot by ordinairy people. I gave up brushing my teeth and showering regulairly and I don't wear make- up on a daily base. I eat more than I should and it has all became such a clouded shadow over me. I have been raising my voice about it and slammed the door close behind me. I still believe I did well on that. I feel better without them in my personal social circles. Those people don't judge me to my bones because the pervert who wanted to impregnate me got off with another woman who is more pretty than me. 

I felt conused about him. At some point under pressure I happened to believe I loved him back untill some years ago when everything fell apart. I never felt like taking action on him since circumstances wheren't there and everything felt so insecure about my private matter. I didn't really have much, but then even that came down to a crash and people love how I broke down. It's probably the biggest joke off the century among some people while others are insanely ignorant and rude about it. I feel so powerless about it. It's probably why I have caused scenes here and there to make my point and to show off my anger. I feel like never getting back since it has hurt more than anything. My entire pride came down to my knees, it was undignifying and not to be taken serious and not to be listened to was probably what hurt most. They are biggots with a plate in front off their heads which can't be cracked and which is often talked right by calling it 'His big ego.' or 'His machoism.' Hearhearhear. Meanwhile they started to think they're god and nothing can break them. 

His girlfriend nowadays looks more thin, more pretty and is more off a blonde than me. I got called ugly by him and his friends from the moment I set foot on the event where she turned by his side. Something broke inside me and that was the point where I felt it all came down. I can't go back to them since it still hurts up till nowadays. I think they should take way more count off my feelings but such people are idiotic. It has crossed personal borders and I'm never getting back to them again. 

Allright, that's about it. 

Thank you for reading.  

Lack off integrity

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and rainy and cold. It was a perfect day to be gloomy and tired all day. I have been exhausted from being vaccinated yesterday. I had the Moderna vaccin against Corona but it has it´s side effects, unfortunately. 

*

Lack off integrity. 'What, amn't I gossiping sharp enough behind your back?' I heard a voice sarcastically saying in my mind. Sometimes voices are funny. But that's not the point to this story. 

Many people probably don't know, but I'm accused off being a slut and a whore a lot by people who walk around fantasy events a lot, saying I steal men and cheat a lot while nothing about that has ever been proven. As a matter off fact, I'm very held back when it comes to that. I have this example off the man with the wine stain on his face I fel infatuated about a few years ago, but who I never came after again because I realised he was taken with somebody else so I kept my distance. 

Accusing someone to steal your love interest or relationship on first hand is something you won't do to someone who barely knows you, let alone who your love interest is anyway and who is actually more interested in a common interest you have, namely books, movies, or music from the Fantasy Scene, and probably the styles that walk around there, but who doesn't give a crap about your boyfriend. It's almost mentally unhealthy how people see that. The way I got slut shamed got never proven to begin with. 

I wonder how they came up to that nonsense but it's often said people who do so are men who can't get you to sleep around with them, or women who are incredibly jealous off you. Both things go hand in hand sometimes. Jealousy is a massive problem in the fantasy scene and I was often victim to it and the gossip that came with it. Why in the world would you act like Cinderella's stepsisters to me instead off giving me a fair chance? It's not been really appropriate how I got treated. It's one off the reasons going there didn't feel good anymore and I decided to choose for myself. 

Even nowadays slutshaming is so part off their morals, some people probably started to believe it or build a whole web off lies and gossip around that I'm not a part off and I'm not knowing the details about. You can't keep on blaming the victim to your lies for something she has never even done. I have never had sex with anyone ever before and I'm innocent as an angel when it comes to that. If things like that gossip build up and people yell 'Slut / stink whore.' out loud to you, slowly you start to build up an utmost hatred about something. It felt more hurtfull event by event and it happened a lot. 

There was probably this reason people wanted me to get pregnant. By a man I found unsuitable for that job, and I never seriously went out to do so. But the shamefull recall on getting me knocked up still sounds. I feel it as something shamefull and vulgair that hurted me a lot. I feel undignified and filthy when it comes to that. Something filthy took away my entire interest in getting pregnant and replaced it with some trauma I can't get over. I don't like the idea off people being so after that and it's a godess religion unworthy what got said about me. And most off all: I'm not fertile. I have massive PCOS and being unfertile is a personal issue I have. To go over that with a massive hunt for something obscene like portraying your masculine power over wee and innocent me- that's a border too far. It has crossed many personal borders and I'm not willing to come back to the fantasy scene ever again because what happened hurt an incredible lot. Before I could decide for myself if I wanted children or not, nature and circumstances decided it would not be for me in this life by also giving me a disease children can heir and because off which I feel it's not responsible to have them. I feel dragged down in filth to my bones and it makes me sick to think off the whole happening. Actually it's not my fault. But the shadow that came over the matter spoiled it for me. Some people who caused all off this walk around freely, putting their dick into another woman nowadays without feeling any blame. It's what makes the pagan scene corrupt and hypocrit. It's no behaviour for true pagans in my opinion. Having or not having children should be MY choice. And far from theirs. I feel like I'm right in this matter, so I feel like I have the right to state this on my weblog. I'm a freedom fighter. Not a bitchy victim to their lies. 

It's feminin unfriendly how people are and think nowadays and I blame Game Off Thrones with all it's sexism. It was a massive hit, but it turned some people into complete assholes to make them believe women are less than man and should be seen as something to play games with. Only if you are a married woman you are free off guilt nowadays in their eyes. I'm not married and I'm not planning to have children and I'm doing bad finding romantic relationships for myself to be honest. That's my real story. I'm a bit off a lost case into this and I'm doing incredibly bad in that field. I feel bad being so frowned down upon because off slutshaming by people I have kept my distance to for about 10 good years. I'm barely seen in public gatherings or social circles by those who do so. I don't know what keeps the myth alive for such a long time and why they would even do so in the first place. It's probably to clean the blood from their own hands when it comes to this. People who are secretly guilty to things are often the first to blame someone else about it. Or people who have a good reason to degradate me all the time because I have been right about something for 10 good years. But it's too big to handle for one person alone. I can't take this on my frele shoulders and take all off that in all the time since it hurts like crazy when people do so. It's unacceptable and completely obscene for people to hold on to this for so long. 

When protesting about climate changes, I would prefer to ask them to clean themselves from evil morals before even getting themselves into politics. I think it makes them hypocrit. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.