Good evening at the 13th off April, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a sunny and warm day in the Netherlands. To a point where the weather was agreeable and nice. 

*

The repair cafe fixed my Soup Bible with duct tape. 

I'm capable to work from it again, but it isn't what you would call 'nice repaired.' It's not broken anymore, but it's kinda a lump way off repairing. And I have to do it with this. I don't have money for a new one. But it's fine with me. This book has battle scars after such a long service in my Wednesday Soup kitchen. I ended my Soup Kitchen, Since I don't lunch at de Boed anymore. The Soup Bible is fixed with duct tape and has my name written on it's cover so they could see it was mine. Aren't those battle scars? I gave my Soup fans a good time eating all off my soups. What a journey, with one year off a break. But my soups where that missed, I decided to pick up on it again, untill de Boed decided to quit it's meals. It's no longer picking a soup each week, neither this or my own thought out receipes. It's all done. I somehow feel it. All that work, all that experience... .I never had a job in my entire life, but I had a Soup Kitchen every week. 

I think I'm going to miss it. I liked it. And paople loved it. 

I can hear my oldest younger brother mock about how it's repaired with duct tape, and it looking cheap ass. (My brother thinks I'm cheap.) But it's a book with a story. I think that's what matters. What an experience, what a volunteer job! I need a moment for this. Maybe a lot off time to process it. It's been a lot. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 2nd off March, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and bright for a pre-spring day. 

*

This afternoon was for baking a messy appeltaart. It's not tidy, like it's supposed to be, with fancy checkers, but it's my style, which is more off a crumble version. 😏

It comes down to crumbly applepie with a crunchy crust, cookie spices (From supermarket.) And raisins. And because I felt I had to, custard powder. I hope my fellow clients at de Boed will like it. I think I have adjusted a little too much sugar to the apple filling, I hope it's no issue. It's for tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon coffee.  

I simply did not feel like taking more effort to it than this. I could not set myself to it. Somehow I feel a depression coming up where I can't set myself to things. Like taking notes to the client council, doing dishes after dinner and making work off my appearance more than getting dressed. To work is out off the question when I feel like that. Simply to sit in the sun and just be is all I can when I feel that way. Not too much in the sun, since I feel I can get sunburned with my sensitive, pale skin. But a little sunshine in the morning with my coffee, and then work off my scheldue, but people should not require things from me when I feel like that, even though I felt the energy for fresh soup making again, which was lost for almost a year. 

I've read somewhere Dragons (Chinese zodiac) prefer it simple in life when it comes to style. The female dragons I've met don't fit into that profile. I think their style is cool and groomed, maybe not soft and feminine and fluffy, but still dressed up. It's usually cool and most off the time I can't help but saying I love them. It's nothing less than love with dragons. I can't use 'year off the dragon, they like to keep it simple.' As an excuse. The female dragons I've met prefer cool over soft. 'Oh, you're so cool, but I can't help thinking off you as very sweet. I just loooove you!' But that's my personal opinion on them. But I got an astrology book which says dragons like to keep it simple when it comes to style. But I can't shove this simple appeltaart off to that. Simple but tasty and delicious. I can't shove a depression where I like to keep it simple off to that, dragon is known as a sign off energy and positivity, and it's a match with the monkey. The dragon is probably not the cause.

Despite the Chinese zodiac speaking for me, I can't help thinking off the world as cruel and unkind. I can't help it. It's something I caught up with. I slack the energy again. Spring is around the corner, and so is easter. It should cheer me up. There's daffodils out already at the Gortershof garden. During spring time, this place is covered in daffodils siding the streets. It's such a lovely sight, But I can't help it. I slack the energy and the will-power to be off use and to work with. I can't help it, I feel this small dip coming up. I believe I do harm to nobody with it. I'm just annoying. And this feeling is in the way. What works with, is the light. Light in the morning and later in the evening work positive on me, despite the daffodils not having much off an effect on me. Sometimes I wonder, this place is pretty old. Did they already plant those flower bulbs in the 1950's? They still blow in spring time. Like every year. I think they're older than me somehow. But I think I won't see an answer to that. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 1st off January, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been clear and cold in the Netherlands. It's been even sunny for a short while, before tomorrow the rain hits in again according to the weather forecasts. 

*

We started another year with hopes, promises and dreams for the future. I hope you can make your dreams come true, and you and yours are blessed and healthy this entire year. 

I have been tired today, I have been in bed from 13.00 PM untill 16.00 PM, and I relaxed and tried to sleep. I still feel somewhat tired from Corona. The 1st off January is usually a day to relax and sleep in a bit. I had a rushy morning, with medication and breakfast, coffee and lunch. But I decided on to skip de Boed's afternoon coffee to have a rest today. Sometimes de Boed demands too much from us. But we are free wheter we go there or not. So, rest it was this afternoon. The cold invites people even more to stay in, and be sleepy and rest after a short night off sleep. Well, on the positive side, I did nothing bad with my time by staying in and sleeping. 

My New Year's eve was a bit lonesome, I have spend it in and watched fireworks from out my window. The fireworks in this neighbourhood, poor as it is, left nothing to wish for. For a noisy neighbour, it makes me wonder what they do it from, money-wise, but the fireworks looked amazing. It was a great free show to watch. Provided by my neighbours. 

It's as if everything, ever since the day after Christmas, wants me to live as sober as possible again. No more Christmas after Christmas, no cozy holiday vacation feeling, no left overs, but dry, boring and sober- cold turkey like Christmas only belongs once a year, and the soberness prepares me for the rest off the year. Otherwise, there would have been a top 2000 best music off all time to listen to, or a TV show, or something else great, but I was just too tired and wrapped up in daily life again. I even haven't watched the New Year's day concert today. So sadly enough, no New Year's traditions for me this year, just a few snacks last night, and fireworks from out my window. Maybe I should skip the New Year's resolution tradition either, but my resolution is to try to keep on being clean and keeping the house clean. Keep on going the way it is, and health care staff is going to get angry at me if I don't. I better keep to it. This morning, at January 1st, I cleaned my own toilet and emptied thrash bins, for example. And I think I better stick to the monday 'Clean the home' routine. 

So the holidays are over in the Netherlands, we go back to a period off cold and dreary slomberness this week. I hope I can make it through. Maybe I should see what will be going on this period, and see how to react to it. The drearyness off this period makes me feel so tired. It's gloomy and depressing. Maybe I should have a little patience with myself and my winter blues. Give myself time. Usually my winter blues, if I catch one, lasts untull March. Untill spring time begins. This blunt ending off the holiday season makes it so bad. Hopefully I can find something against it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

 

Good evening at the 24th off December, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was grey, cold and rainy outside. It promises to become a wet Christmas. 

*

It's  Christmas eve, I have been here all day, but mom has been sick in bed all day, and there is a big chance she caught Corona. Not due to me, but due to circumstances, as how she thinks it was. Tomorrow she'll get out off bed again, she promised. But today was not the best day since she got so sick. Short before Christmas, we all got sick. Luckily to have caught Corona recently makes me immune for it now. All I could do was to bring mom a cup off tea. Other than that, she wanted nothing. 

Corona has hit hard on me and my surrounding these months. Luckily nobody died due to it. 

Tomorrow will be Christmas. This evening is to survive. I can deal with it, but it doesn't make the best holiday memory ever. 

Mom is tough. I have the idea she will overcome. But for now, it's doing hard for her and suffering. 

And sometimes, this is all I need to share with you for this evening, and other inspiration has run dry for now. So it's something for later on, hopefully. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 18th off December, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cloudy, somewhat windy and cold outside in the Netherlands. 

*

Today I called another day sick from Corona. Yesterday I believed I could have coffee and lunch at de Boed, but today I feel sick again. I believed I was better because I could taste and smell again. But this virus is tricky. In the evening, I felt sick as a dog again. I hope I haven't infected someone at de Boed while being there. I have had no negative test yet. De Boed is out off them. But I have the idea I'm still sick. Sometimes I'm not the most brilliant person out there, attempting somewhere when still being sick. But I truly believed I got over it. I see it as my responsibility not to infect others. But there is a big chance I have yesterday. I feel stupid due to it. 

So today is for staying in, listening to Sky Radio Christmas and painting my nails with nail polish from the Essence advent calendar. I think it's nice stuff, especially the dark one I have already unpacked. Essence did a great job with their advent calendar this year. It's really fun and it has nice products. I painted my hand nails with the dark one, and my toe nails with the matte baby pink one. It's pretty. 

I called off the hairdresser for this week due to Corona. Like said, I see it as my responsibility not to infect others. And I befriended my beauty specialist, since I think she's a nice person. She doesn't deserve to get sick due to me. So, long uncut hair this Christmas. It's like this every time. As if it's jinxed short before the holidays. Sometimes it also happens short before Easter she gets sick and the Easter haircut doesn't happen. (This year.) This year's Christmas I got sick short before the holidays, and I don't look my best that day. It's a bit off a bale situation and it's usually that happens. 

The health care lady who helps with cleaning this home also had to be called off due to Corona. I'm going to try to change bedsheets myself tomorrow. Usually, she does that. But maybe I'm capable to do so. I own a winter / Christmas bedsheet with the image off pine trees in a snow surrounding. It's about time to put that one on this week. Let's give it a try and try so myself. I hope it's not too bad when it's all messy. But I'm sick, and to keep it hygienic I simply have to I think. 

Somehow Christmas songs don't get boring today. It's good for the ambience in this small home. I enjoy listening to them today. I have a pot off sage tea in front off me, and I'm not doing too bad. It's just your typicall 'Sicking something out before Christmas.' situation today. Which is not too bad. I could do worse. Now it's simply waiting untill my immune system wins over Corona truly. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 15th off December, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's cold, cloudy and rainy outside. And forecasted it will be for the rest off the weekend. 

*

I caught Corona, for the second time in my life. I have to stay in and stay away from people most off the time. It also requires more washing, and keeping myself perfectly hygiënic. It's something I can keep perfectly well to, weird as it may seem. It's perfectly maintained by no one but myself, but these days it's an emergency which requires so. The first time I caught Corona, all I could do was lay in bed and do nothing. That's probably been about three years ago. 

These days, and a few vaccines and a better immune system later, I can walk around a bit better. But I still have Corona symptoms. Which require bed rest most off the time, but nowadays at least I have the energy to be up and do basic hygiene for myself. And after lunch I'm in bed untill dinner, which I take away from de Boed, since I'm not allowed to eat there with Corona in my system. I'm allowed to take away food from them, and I'm capable to do so. Lunch I eat at home. 

I can barely taste and smell anything. It's almost Christmas and I had purchased some shower stuff from The Body Shop to wash with. It's just that I can't smell it and it has to be on the shelves again since it'd be such a waste to use it nowadays. I'm onto every day wash and body butter and common laundry wash and softner. It's strong stuff, but I can't smell it. Still I love the feeling off being clean. I clean myself and drink plenty off green tea. I also change pyjama's regulairly to stay hygienic. I don't know if it works. You're supposed to when you're sick. I don't know if my routine has any real effect. Or if I could have let it being handled by my immune system alone and simply live like I always do. But something in me has this strong urge to nurse myself these days. To be fresh. 

It's almost Christmas, but I'm not certain if I can celebrate it with my mom this year, or if I have to stay home and in. It's difficult and uncertain this year. My first concern over Christmas make-up, is my face being washed and fresh these days. I have purchased some Christmas Make-up, but I'm not certain if it's off use next week. Aside to that, I can't taste the Christmas dinner they are likely to prepare. That's a bit ungratefull, And my family would be in certain danger if I would come to visit, I don't want to infect them. With Corona down my spine, I better stay home. Washed, fresh, but too unmade up for Christmas to show up anywhere but around a mental institute like de Boed. But for keepsake and safety reasons, that would be the best option this year. 

I had an appointment with the hairdresser short before Christmas, (Upcoming Tuesday) but I better call that off either if I happen to be this sick. I don't want to infect her. This week I'm fine as long as my manes are washed and clean. Simply to survive, and hoping I will be capable to go to visit mom next week. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 17th off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been stormy and very windy. There are a lot off storms this week over the Netherlands. They´re so intense they even got names. There´s one on the way and one predicted after that while we already had one heavy storm. If you have the chance and don´t need to do something outside, I´d reccomend you all to stay in and keep yourselves safe this weekend. Don´t make more trouble than required. 

Corona restrictions are enlowered and the country is almost free again. We´re off the worst lockdown for now. I hope it will all work out and we don´t have to get back on it after a few months. We´ll see. 

*

Today they arrested a violent man who made trouble at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. In our flat at my gallery, there lives a violent man who's on alcohol a lot and who is not permitted to get at de Boed anymore for causing commotion there quite often. Today he was arrested by the police for even getting in and he made everyone very uncomfortable. They had to move the clients to the hall to stay safe. Luckily nobody got hurt and the arrest went quite easy. 

This week was for Paprika soup. My pet peeve. This week I made it with adjusted meatballs instead off chickenbreast. Most ingredients for it's concistency stayed the same. I practice a lot with paprika soup to find out it's best way off being cooked. I'm almost at the final stage off all these trials (I never had any complaint, I even got compared to restaurants a lot) and I believe I found out my best version, almost. It's truly a basic in my arsenal off soups. I believe I will share the best version with my readers once it's perfect. 

There are a few soups that are basic in my soup arsenal, Paprika soup, Brocoli Courgette, classic Vegetable soup, Old fashioned chicken soup according to the soup bible and my own version off Mustard soup. (And some others I make every often) It's something to be proud off. I haven't achieved much in life, but once a week I'm a good volunteer soup chef at a community centre. Usually it's enough soup for two days. People are gratefull for my soup and that gives me a good feeling.  

I'm about to change medication for the 6th time or so in my life. A medicine that isn't fattening this time and that can replace the fattening one I have been on for so many years. I think it will be a relief once my system got freed from that. I hope it also helps me sleep. I have such trouble sleeping and incredible trouble with my motivation. The psychiatrist said they couldn't do much for me about that and that one had to come out off myself, though medication plays a small role in it. I think the role to medication is a bit bigger than what they claim, but it's hard to discuss it. I just hope changing medication will help and won't be hard for me to stay at an acceptable level with my sanity. I'm still delusional every often, but I can handle it and I'm not a danger for my surrounding with what I have now. By changing it, I might get a bit too itchy about things. And that can be a danger. I'm the kind off psychiatric patient who gets idiotic delusions about historical events that never took place. And her own role in it. It's hard to be in it when I'm severe delusional. When I'm not, I try to be a good person in life though recently I have my bad parts like it seeming to be such an endless road, and I lost my good spirits about it so I got a bit cranky and lazy about life. Winter was also such a draining factor. I do bad in winter and get depressed a lot. I locked myself in a lot and didn't go out more than necessairy.

I'm glad the Covid-restrictions are softened. I lost my good spirits a bit near the end off the lockdown and got mentally downward with my health. As much as it goes by now, it's a bit better these days and I don't know why. Sleep is important, especially for mental patients. I still have bad nights every often where I do hard with my health. I got a bit down in my good spirits from at the beginning where I said 'we can do this, just put your shoulders under it.' I was right, but it became hard at the end and I had to watch my mental capacity for it. I hope we'll stay out off lockdown for now. 

I decided to put a charity in my legacy for when I die. I have no heirlooms and I don't want it to go to waste as that would be a pity. I'm glad nobody heired my disease, and I have no man. But maybe some people who deserve it can do well with it as I think it's not begrudged by others for them. (Maybe it is, but I don't want to leave it to the state or people I barely know. My fortune hopefully will do well for the world.) I haven't made anything official yet. I came to that idea by a TV-show. Sometimes even TV is good for inspiration. My mom and my brothers are still alive, I'll let them have it if something happens with me by now, but if I have to die in the future without any family left, I hope I did well by it.     

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 21st off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold with here and there some clouds. We've made it through quite a January this year. It's not over yet but winter feels heavy this year. Previous year, almost 15 people from Gortershof have died. Off old age mainly. Sometimes I have the feeling the air in my appartment sizzles from old women who fought each other at live and keep on doing so after they're death. I hope all their souls will find peace, however.  

*

I'm at my parental home to celebrate my dad's birthday. I thought I would never make it through this week. I had a hard time with sleeping issues and just it's general dullness. I don't have much money to spend or things on hand, and all I do is sit in my living room and drink coffee or tea, and write my weblog and watch YouTube video's. That's what I mainly do when I'm on myself. This Blue Week couldn't have stand out more in it's blueness. Little money to get by, only a course on psycho education about my disease this week, bad sleep and my dad's birthday which will never be the same since he died and the cold weather.  

Today I went to my mom's by train. I think it was good for me to have something to do today. I liked the small journey by train and bus to get at my point off arival. It's something to be capable to say something small like that feels like a nice adventure. There's not much I do in a week. I decided today to put on a yellow knitted sweater with a turtle neck which is very comfy. It's almost too loud for me but it's so nice and soft to wear. Loud sweaters are one off the best things in winter.  

Yesterday evening I had a terrible attack in my head. It felt like a screw got turned inside my head and I was doing hard with that feeling. I couldn't set it off. It was about that man who abandoned me for someone else. I loathe him for all that he is and I have probably always hated him as soon as he bragged about me being a whore for never wanting him. The rumors about me are not true. It felt like an incredible attack and it was hard to get it out off my head as it's an attack off anxiety I usually have about it. People don't know I'm fighting huge fears when it comes to this subject. I have been slutshamed to my bones by Vana Events over nothing. In a day and time where that is less and less acceptable, I think you have the right to know. The fears I'm still fighting are awfull but with some help from care staff I could set it off yesterday but I was doing hard. They have no respect for my dignity and what they do to me is just awfull. I have never been a whore or a slut but it's what they always adress me for being right. 

This evening is not an evening for poverty and despair. I'm not alone and we'll have ordered pizza this evening. Something I don't have every day. Tomorrow we'll have coffee with a slice off mocha cake and I'll come round this week. I'm low on money, but lucky on sources to help me this week. And the handsoap just smells good. So it was worthit.   

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.          

Good evening at the 14th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

This night is cloudy with chances to see the moon. It's not as cold as yesterday but it's still winter. 

*

The most extreme lockdown is put off off our shoulders. It's due to infection numbers increasing a terrible lot and the government fearing society can get out off controll if we keep on being in lockdown. A lot off basic things will re-open. I'm relieved. I hope it's not a bad thing. People have to live with Corona from now on and the government hopes for the best since Omikron isn't as sickening as they thought. 

It's something to celebrate. The main lockdown is off tomorrow and I'll be capable to buy a cake for the memorial off my father's birthday at HEMA's next week. Something I almost feared I couldn't do but something simple like that can take place. I'm tired and I hope I can sleep better from now on. A voice in my head told me I can take a break tomorrow and get some rest. I believe I deserve that. I'm a bit wobbly inside today. I hope for a medicine against Corona. That would be the best solution. But I better don't be a negative nancy about being freed from the lockdown. It's a good thing to feel free to breathe again for society as we need that these days. 

I felt down a week ago, I feel a bit cheered up this week. This has been a good week for me when it comes to mood. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.

Good afternoon at the 14th off January, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Yesterday was pretty foggy. When I walked to course from the bus stop to the location, I could oversee such mystic / misty looking meadows on the otherside off the railroad at the other side off the road. It was a hauntingly pretty sight. Aside from crisises, this lockdown is also clouded in fog these days. Today seems less foggy. In the evening yesterday the entire terrain from de Boed and Gortershof seemed a bit clouded in fog and it's not a large space. Today is still cold and grey outside but most fog faded. It's weather and time off date to wear your most comfy sweaters and make yourself feel warm with tea and other hot drinks like cocoa at home when you don't have to go out. 

*

Yesterday, my hunt on bargain cookbooks arrived. It seems I have set myself to it two days ago instead off just mocking at my couch. I have a lot off inspiration and receipes extra to choose from. I believe I did well with bargain hunting online. Life feels good when you can treat yourself to something new every now and then. It's a range off series that goes by the title '500 ' ' ' like '500 cookies, 500 cupcakes, 500 chocolate receipes, 500 cake receipes.' and so on. It's not been pricey to purchase a few off these. I'm waiting for '500 desserts.' to arrive and all off them have only been around 10 euro's each. It was quite some money alltogheter, but I have bought a lot for that price. 

Trees are empty, the weather is cold and we're still in a crisis. It's quite a January this year. Russia is controlling our gas feed and it's about to become a serious threat. If it already isn't. Gas prices have increased this year and I feel with a lot off poor people who can't afford groceries and energy anymore these months. How unfair is that? Supermarket prices have increased due to it being a crisis and energy being pricey. I feel with people. I'd better be gratefull there are Brussel sprouts on the menu this evening. I have no power to control current economics but I can feel pity for the poor. Not that they are helped with it, but what else is there left to do? Situations like this are a breeding place for more tragedy and war sometimes. World War II also had a crisis in advance to it. (The economic crisis in the 1930's) I hope they can manage to discuss the situation in Ukraine and prevent something truly terrible from happening. 

History repeats itself sometimes. I believe I shouldn't go mad about the subject as I already have been fearing a war a lot off times. I feel calm when it comes to that, as if I have prepared myself time and time over about a fate that might happen. It's probably a matter off surviving as it might lay ahead off us and people can't afford losing their mind when that happens. It's the mindset off someone who has been used to poverty and crisis time and time over. Stay calm and do what is needed at a time. More than that we can't do. I'm probably safe when it comes to it. Except if Russia is going to launch something nuclear on Europe when it gets terrible. I don't even fear that. death is death and it's not much off a problem to me. I rather be alive and do fun things, I don't have a death wish but I would have peace with it if I died due to something out off my control. Don't worry about the day off tomorrow, as every day has enough off it's own evil.  

Speaking off which, this evening there will be another speech on TV from our prime minister about enlowering restrictions next week. It's a good thing if this country can breathe fresh air again. Omikron isn't as dangerous as they thought. We're lucky with it. I just hope it will work out in the future. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.            

Good night at the 9th off January, 2022.

 Good night everyone, 

I don't know who reads this blog at such a time, but if you do- great you do so. 

*

The night is cold and rainy. I have slept a few hours before getting out off bed. I wasn't doing well after holding up some memories from 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I was at the peek off my strength- trying to get a career and I was good at what I was doing. If I wouldn't have become wrecked- I would have been a completely diffrent person. It ended all in tragedy after becoming delusional about Vana Events. I could have had it all by now. I'm still the loser everyone has always seen in me. I was thinking fullfilled with pride how I was at traineeship at the civil registration office more than 10 years ago, and then about Alkmaar and then something painfull - a panic attack-  hit me and I couldn't sleep anymore. 

I could have been so much diffrent than I am today if I could only have handled things back then. It was too much and things went shipwreck for me. Life's not fair most off the time for me. I barely feel sore over that anymore. It's just that this evening when I was in my bed it hit me. I have failed. It has been too much. Vana has been a drop in a full bucket and it wasn't good for me what they have caused. I have been down with anger for so long. No matter how much off a buddhist I want to be- forgiveness is still impossible for me at that point. They can play the role off victim, but that's not true. I suppose they haven't suffered the way I have done all those lame years. I have been using hurtfull words out off anger and pain. Not because I'm a bully. They have done more hurt to me than I probably have ever done to them and that is the truth. 

Something frightfull hit me this night and I couldn't take being in bed anymore. What do obese women wear at night? 

I'm wearing a purple longsleeve, and a matching purple pyjama pants 'till over my knees with panther print. Nothing naughty here as I can hear some off you thinking. But it's all innocent yet everyday fancy. 

I'm drinking home grown grape juice which tastes perfect. People in this country can grow grapes just fine / by the vine, due to it becomming warmer in this country. It's one off the best things to eat and drink fresh fruit and veggies from your own garden. It's healthy and if you love fruit and vegetables, also perfect for your tastebuds. Mom's husband grows grapes in his old backyard. His daughter lives there now and they harvest them every year. The fruit juice came out perfect and I'm afraid I'll drink the entire bottle. I'm afraid I'm at the last cup off the entire bottle, but I'll keep it at that otherwise I'm a bit off a gluton. They have a lot off bottles, but one is just fine / vine. *Cheers!* 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good afternoon at the 31st off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's a rainy and cold last day off the year. I have regained my energy somehow and I wish to make the best off this day, however. 

*

My energy hasn't been this high the entire month. I don't know how that could be but I feel well, well rested and up to bake stuff today. 

 I don't know how my mind makes this picture a bit scary. I have been making luxury apple turnovers this evening with dried prunes, white raisins, almonds and cookie spices adjusted to the apple filling (Some left overs from other bakings.) this morning, a treat for new year's eve. Those sharp edges look sharp and bird-beak like. I'm good at bringing things to taste, but modeling them is another story. I might or might not try to spend my new year trying to model turnovers a bit better, it's a resolution, haha. Given the fact I should make at least 30 to feed the entire Boed during coffee time, that gives me some space to practice. I have filling left for a lot more off these and by the end off the year I'd probably know perfectly how to shape apple turnovers. I just hope they taste well. And what's left over will be donated to de Boed tomorrow. 

I'm a bit spare for not donating enough off them for everyone. It feels a bit bad to do so, but I have the feeling I shouldn't eat all off these this evening. Sometimes I wish I had a husband to help me off off what I make when it's a bit too much for myself alone. But life just hasn't given me that. I could donate what's left to de Boed's staff instead off clients if I don't want people being left out. I hate the idea off giving too little and one person having more than the other person because off me. I know that feeling too well and I don't want to take part off something like that. I hope staff will appreciate. But they can expect about 30 to be made next year. That will be a nice challenge off it's own. 

This day goes by relaxed. I'm still in PJ's, it's raining and windy outside and I have made apple turnovers for this evening. I played a cd and I'm burning a candle and some incense. It's a good end off the year and I haven't have days like this for a long time. I wish it could be new year's eve every day if it makes me feel this good. Tomorrow I might spend making some new year's bites for de Boed and according to the receipe, that will be enough. 

My energy is often spare. It's often low but I feel well and even better than well this afternoon. I feel it's almost pity christmas time is only untill 6 or 7 January. I love how cozy it makes my small home and how it almost softens the sharp edges off the rest off this year. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading, 

and a Happy New Year to all off you.    

Good afternoon at the 30th off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cold, a bit warmer than around christmas, it's cloudy and rainy outside and most branches are empty. 

*

Thursday was for Wednesday Soup. I don't know how I did it, but I slept well yesterday and I had energy to fix the vegetable soup. Classic and old fashioned and the perfect comfort soup for older people who are doing hard this month. People loved it. It's one off the most easy soups to make for me. Somewhere on here I posted my receipe. It contains lots off garlic and herbs in my case and it's based on chicken broth instead off beef broth. I had no complaints today from picky eaters. 

The world looks better when you have slept a few hours at night. It feels fresher and things that are happening around me look more acceptable (I'm talking about my personal circle off things and people.) I decided I'm about to put what's happening in the world aside me. I can't do otherly anyway these weeks. I'm not at a position off power to change things. Somehow realizing that worked well for my nerves and I could sleep. I can't help on a mundial level, but I can serve a community centre a pot off fresh made soup so I can help them a little. The world is better when one can sleep. 

Tomorrow is the last day off glitter and sparkle for a long time. It will be new year's eve tomorrow and I'm doubting wheter to visit my family or not. I hope being stressed during holidays won't be a returning issue each year. For some it is, and it's a well known issue in psychiatric health among care staff. They told me it's common to have issues increased around this time off the year. 

I wish I really had a Guardian Angel to sleep next to each night so he could protect me each time I can't sleep. Cuddle me to sleep each night. That would be perfect. Sleep can feel sacred in a world where nothing seems to be sacred. Omnia and Faun are fighting each other out over that quote, but I have the answer for you: Sleep, sleep is sacred. And if you don't believe me, stay up against your will for a few nights and you will see my point. I'm not intending to take part off that fight though, I have my own battle with Vana Events. 

Sometimes, the kitchen off de Boed can come off pretty cheap in what they serve. This evening will be for hutspot and it's mainly old fashioned Dutch kitchen with lots off potatoes and gravy served with cooked vegetables and some meat we get to eat. At least we get in all off our vitamins and the old fashioned crowd loves it, but sometimes it's a bit depressing to eat - again- like that, with little variety in what we eat. It's healthy and old fashioned and easy to make for our kitchen. Compared to other European countries, Dutch kitchen is plain and simple. And the predicatability feels safe for them. To me, it itches. I have been participating in their vision about food for making vegetable soup today. It was appreciated, but my creativity craves diffrently sometimes. Old people be old. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good evening at the 29th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is rainy and cloudy. It´s not freezing outside but everything´s said with that. It´s just as depressing as always. 

*

I'm doing bad. 

I wasn't capable to make Wednesday Soup the reliable institute I intended it to be previous week, somewhere before christmas. I had to call it off since I have slept bad again. I sleep awfull these nights due to being afraid Corona might cause a civil war in this country. Riot seekers are keeping themselves calm and Omikron appears to be less bad than what they thought, but what happened this year is enough to let it get the best off me these weeks. 

The manager off de Boed confirmed me they had enough cookies left over from christmas and it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I wasn't capable to bake some for them these weeks due to mental issues. Wednesday Soup will be announced on Thursday due to it. So to say, so I'm not capable to do my hobby due to issues. I decided today during my evening walk around the block it might do good for me to actually make it, cooking works well for my nerves most off the time and they'll be thankfull if I do so. I hope I sleep well this night. It was 2.30 A.M again before I could go to bed previous night. I'm not the every day hero I want to be when I'm like that. 

Some time ago I decided that is what 'Starlight.' Actually stands for. It's not the evil brat from the Vana Events forum, it's not the slut they want to adress me. 

It's my super hero form, the woman who cooks and bakes for everyone, who takes notes for meetings, who tries her best every day in psychiatric health and who isn't afraid to stand for what she thinks is right. The one who inspires people. I'm proud to do so and it's with aware intention I try to make the best off life every day, and I'm the one who isn't afraid to kick Mark van der Stelt for his ass when he has done wrong. No matter how desperate they want to scapegoat me each time about it. Sometimes it's best to stand for what you think instead off being a following sheep in a herd that has it's own bad  restrictions. But acting like Starlight is mainly about every day good, and just a bit better than that. I'm not overly social, but I have good actions I do for people and that's what it's about.   

Be brave, be honest, do the right thing- Always. 

Now, that's mainly what I'm trying to do here. These days when Corona, or mainly it's crisis, hits hard, I'm frightned for riot seekers and the country going mad due to restrictions. I'm not even afraid off Corona itself since I have survived that. I'm afraid off people's short fuse these days. I'm afraid the police or the army can't stand them when they really wish to do harm. Some idea in my mind says I'm rather down and out before the crisis ends when I'm all gucko like this about it and that's not a good idea. Somehow my common sense refuses to listen to it. 

When I'm like this, I'm mainly inside my home most time off the day and at it's highest point at afternoon coffee time at de Boed untill after dinner, then having my daily walk and then returning home untill medication time. Oh dear, I act like a client these days. This is what most clients do, and that's what this institute is for. Helping the mental, and unfortunately- I am one. I need to be taken care off these days. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.           

Good evening at the 25th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and it freezes outside. there's no snow, but it's cold enough to pass for a christmas day. 

*

I'm reporting this to you with my new white sweater and make-up on my eyes (Lips didn't last, but that's what it always does. I think drinking coffee is more important than being pretty.) and the antler headband with flashy coloured lights off off my head, since it didn't stuck on my head during breakfast. I'll give it another try during dinner. It's christmas. 

Merry Christmas everyone. 

I've had my booster vaccine. My left arm is somewhat sore but it's allright and I have no other complaints about it. I hope it works well. 

Corona rules have been restricted. I suppose I don't mind that much about it. I have some reading material for the next few weeks so it's no big deal being in lockdown every evening. As long as I will sleep these nights when the country is under such restrictions. In my parental home, it's hard to believe the fears I have at home and I sleep well here. I think I'll work mom on her nerves if I wish to stay here the entire lockdown so I'm going to be off again tomorrow. I hope I can report to you no civil war took place while we had a massive lockdown. We will know next month. 

Next month is a perfect month for heartwarming cookies during this monster lockdown. I think it's good to make the best off it and soften the edges for myself and fellow clients. We have no choice but giving it our best. And who said that polar bear cake is only something for christmas? I think my fellow clients will love all off it and so do I. Maybe I'll feel a bit better without christmas in the air. 

Fluffy white sweaters and moderate make-up are also a good idea for New Year's eve. In my mind, I'm at the cold, hard months after christmas instead off celebrating today. I feel worried since I have the idea I should prepare against a winter depression. Cold, spare, lonesome, depressing and no flowers and leaves in sight those months. I have my methods to fight it, but it's been since a few years I have a winter depression in march, mainly ending around the 21st off it when Pisces got replaced by Aries and spring officially starts. It's only christmas today and those months are far off, though worrying for it is a big thing in my mind. I also rather feel with the poor and the lonesome this year instead off celebrating something. 

Mom and her husband are dedicating this christmas dinner to me since I'm always on my feet for other people. I should keep my mind in the here and now while enjoying it this evening. That's what it's christmas for. Since this year I know a phrase from the bible: 'Don't worry about the day off tomorrow, since every day has enough off it's own evil.' I would have never heard off it if people wouldn't dictate it so often at de Boed when thinking about the day off tomorrow. I'm not raised with the bible, but this phrase hits. I don't even know what part off the bible it comes from. They could tell me anything when it comes to that. But this phrase is suitable for today and probably the rest off winter. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 23th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sparkly cold has gone off the street, it's once again cold and gloomy with rain every now and then. The big diffrence with summer is that the leaves are gone from trees, and it's icy cold. other than that it's not much diffrent because this summer has been rainy and depressing.  

*

Serious lockdown is for prissys. I was on my feet and out today to do the notes to the monthly client counsil meeting off de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk, specialised in mental health care. It's been the last before christmas and the end off this year, but I think it was a fruitfull one which had meaning. I'm a member off the client counsil and I'm the note taker. I've learned that during my school time. I haven't learned much usefull things at school for life nowadays, but taking notes for meetings comes in handy.  

I shouldn't be too harsh about people who actually are in lockdown, that's not very nice during these hard times and I know it's serious. It doesn't count for me to be in serious  lockdown with nothing on my scheldue but that's me and that's my life. 

It's a short time before christmas. I look forward to it since I like christmas, but it's such a buisy period these days and it's just another buisy thing on my scheldue. I just hope I sleep well these days so I can handle it.          

Tomorrow will be our booster vaccine. I'm planning to be off here after that to my parental home untill monday. I have no wild plans for my christmas outfit. Just a fluffy white sweater, jeans, shoes I always walk in and the antler headband. I purchased christmas make-up online this year and it has arrived. I prefer make-up classy and moderate but I love shiny eyeshadow and dark lashes when I'm doing it. I'm out off fashion for skipping the liner and the dark lip, but that's how I do it. Lisa Eldridge on YouTube is somewhat off an inspiration when I do make-up. Sometimes Charlotte Tilbury, (With cheap dupes. I can't afford what they use) but that's when I would have an event, or when I'm out off depression. I don't believe in overdone make-up since I think that's vulgair, no matter how much people have paid for it or how much it's in fashion. But like said before: I don't do fashion. I love my knitwear and my loud colors too much to be pushed to fashion. Aside to that, It's not always cool to be in fashion. Sometimes it's best to have your own opinion on clothes and stick to it. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 22th off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was a perfectly frosted morning. The streets and the grassfields, the buildings and the trees where all covered in that perfect white sparkly frost this morning when I opened my curtains to see what weather we would have. It's sweater weather. 

*

Nobody has appointments for work today but me, and there is barely anything to do outside unless you work in healthcare. de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk, specialised in psychiatric healthcare is one off those institutes that's open every day off the week, Corona or no Corona, blizzard and christmas or sweating heath and summertime. It's something to hold on to for the mental and I suspect them to even be open the day after there would be a massive bomb attack from planes on Zaandam. Corona is an excuse for prissys. So. Today was for my Wednesday Soup, despite everything. Creamy Mushroom, like I told you and it was perfect. I believe it could count as a perfect start up for people's christmas. According to the reactions I wasn't far off with that conclusion and it's an easy soup to make. It's a queen among my soups. I have a hard time dealing with restrictions but soup making helped me up again. 

It's somewhat hard since the lockdown has increased. I've had the plan to bake more cookies during these weeks, but I'm so anxious I can barely set myself to it, and that christmas cake that elderly lady asked me to make? Forget it, I just can't when I'm like that. I have slept terribly these weeks. The only light at the end off the tunnel is that I will have my booster vaccine on Friday, by the end off the week and it's pretty fast since I live in a care home. I'm a prissy these days. I could help my fellow patients but I'm all sleepless and anxious these two weeks. I decided tonight that I would be off no help and just be in the way to care takers if I would fall down from stress and I had to be brought either to a psychiatric clinic or the hospital. The last can't help me these days, and the first is already on it's last leggs as far as this crisis goes. I don't know if it helps me already, but I felt I could sleep again after that thought. I'm not off help for professionals when stress kills me in times like this.

I still can't set myself to making the cookies I have been thinking out for this occasion off increased lockdown, or the polar bear cake for Anne, (There are a lot off women named Anne, I suspect people wouldn't be capable to find her this way if I wrote her name on here.) but at least I could sleep the rest off the night. And despite the morning being hard- My christmas start up soup this week was a fact. I'm tired from sleeping bad for about half a week. I have mentioned good night tea (slaapthee) helps, but the second night I drank it, I couldn't sleep but my mind was more at ease. I felt well rested despite no sleep had happened. 

I hope I can keep myself to these words off courage. I hope sleeping is easier with this mindset, but life still is stressfull and frightening these days. I have been thinking 'I wish someone would bake me those coconut stars.' but as far as I know, I can forget about that. Life is hard for the first time for my mental disorder since the crisis broke down. It's a bit too harsh to demand me to get back up on my feet if I don't know if I can take that at this moment. My light in the darkness is that I will get my vaccine soon.

Some care takers are a bit harsh about it and push me to limits. I have been discussing this with other care staff and they say I should talk about it. But that's a story on it's own about a witty care taker who isn't feeling with people very well and who works a lot off people on their sensitive nerves.   

Previous year I wasn't so afraid but it's because there have been riots all over the country. I'm afraid it might come to a civil war once those riot seekers are getting wild and they will get after me and do harm to me personal. Out off jealousy because I can take on the crisis well compared to others in the country and I don't have to deal with outstanding poverty like a lot off people. (I'm far from rich, I live in a very small appartment but I don't have to deal with things that hit common working people these days.) If the riot seekers get violent, I'm afraid the police and even the army can't stop them. That's my main fear. Not even Corona on it's own since I can cope with that. The lockdown has massively increased, I'm afraid the people can't take it and this small country will go mad somehow. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you all for reading.                    

Good evening at the 15th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was clear and warmer than previous week, but it means it was only 10 degrees celsius compared to about 4. Next week will be colder they say. 

*

A challenge. Today would be for classic old fashioned 'groentesoep.' Easy as pie for me. But some maffo replaced my ingredients list with one for an incredibly difficult Morrocan Harirra. Moroccan vegetable soup with a lot off spices, vegetables that had to be cut and me being set to stress all morning because it's almost like brewing a potion when you prepare a soup like that. I had to run home to get my cookbook to prepare the soup they had set me on to. Luckily I'm flexible and can switch easily and people loved their difficult Moroccan harirra. One off the things that can show you're good at something, is how well you are at solving problems sometimes.  

Even when I want to keep it easy and simple, and clearly state what ingredients I wish for at Wednesday Soup, things can turn out a big mess like that. I lost my temper (a bit) while being at it and told care takers what I thought about it. They appologized and we could discuss the matter like reasonable people. I'm capable to discuss when you talk to me, but I wasn't pleased with the problem. Still. It was solved and people loved their difficult soup. They have the luck I live a walk around the corner from de Boed, otherly I couldn't have solved it since I needed the receipe to see how much off the spices I needed for it. If they wanted me to do that soup, why couldn't they have simply told me? It's a big favourite at de Boed. I think we could shove this under 'Best off 2021.' in it's category, I'm glad I turned it all well.  

Today was for gifting cookies and they where received well. I think it's little effort to put a little class to home made cookies the way I made them yesterday, but I could change my mind and want to be creative with cookiecutters again when I feel like it. I haven't collected them for nothing, after all. It would be a waste on one hand not to use them, and a challenge to improve kinda what I've done this week on the other hand, but I'm still breathing. I have time in life to try both methods. 

(Probably the best picture I took off them last night.)

Allright, that's about it for now- I think de Boed and it's visitors will be very glad with my new drive to bake nicer cookies and improve it all the time! They are hopefully the big winner to this mental challenge. 

Thank you for reading.   

Good morning at the 15th off December, 2021.

 Good morning everyone, 

I haven't been checking on the weather today yet. It's around 3.30 A.M and the world is fast asleep. Corona restrictions are still somewhat the same untill the 14th off January. For about an entire month and during christmas, people are forced to keep it lowkey in life to see if we can end the infection rate in hospitals. Will that be? I doubt, maybe we'll even get a more strict lockdown. What I do know is how to make people feel a bit better. 

*

A heart under the belt. 

I have spend my day yesterday with baking sand cookies, I prepared the dough on Sunday, and decided to make something special out off it yesterday. 

(This is one plate off them) 

I made a batch off hearts, then put some white chocolate on one half off them, and then sprinkled them with almond chives. I wanted them to look nice and evenly because someone at de Boed called my cookies ugly some time ago. Somehow I feel challenged, to model my food a bit better the next time and polish the way it looks. It's probably a good challenge for the upcomming period with all restrictions still being up and there being lonesome souls during the holidays. I think people can use some off it to strengthen them and feel a bit comforted by it in this time and day off being as I'm planning to donate most stuff to de Boed. Tomorrow, these will be handed out to de Boed for coffee time.  

I can bring stuff to taste, modelling and sculpting / decorating has never been my thing. I believe there's a world to win for me in that field. It's a big challenge to bake pretty cookies. As long as people are dying by the masses and there are lonely and sad people to comfort these days, I'll try to be on my feet for them somehow. 

Allright, that's about it for now, 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 10th off December, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold with hints off rain, the sky is clear and you can see the moon now. It's dark early. 

*

Wednesday Soup this week was for Nacho Soup. People enjoyed it. I started to see what a spoiled tut I was for thinking groentesoep isn't much for December, and I put it on the menu this Wednesday. Or maybe a voice did so. It was, however, a feeling somehow to do classic Dutch Vegetable Soup the next week. In this day off time, in this era with so many issues and people being poor, I can't be lifted over the horse about a kind off soup that's probably healthy and appreciated these days and makes people feel heartwarmed -and nostalgic- in winter. I have the feeling if it's highly appreciated, it's not the last time we have seen it this winter.   

I'm a bit off a hermit these weeks. I'm inside all day and barely live except for dinner and my daily walk outside with health care around the block. I'm probably doing well according to the government, with all these Corona restrictions. But I would have been this way also without Corona being so nasty on us. 

I have been listening a new CD a few times. I'm old fashioned- I still listen to CD's on old radios, and I payed a good amount off money for it instead off tuning in on Spotify for it and purchasing for cheap. Clannad is hopefully thankfull I did so. In these days, where everyone is poor but still up to date in devices, I might seem an idiot to you, but it's still my way off enjoying music. Just like I prefer a laptop over an Ipad, paper newspapers with local news over the internet when it comes to news, and an old fashioned clock with clock-hands over something more modern, and my Smartphone isn't up to date but it's no big deal for me to live like that. I still post on old fashioned weblogs like it's 2010. And is there any better genre in music than '80's? I barely follow the news, I still have a small TV catching dust somewhere in the corner off my room, but it's only on when the prime minister speeches about Corona. Other than that, it's off.  

I do believe in buying goods online, though, and my living room is a bit decorated for christmas this year. I love how it's cozy for winter and holidays. 

A lot off people in my surrounding do hard during the holidays. Most people miss a loved one and so do I. It's a season to celebrate, and to remember. Not everyone has a family to celebrate things with. You can't be over the horse in a season like this about what you have compared to others. You can't during any season in my opinion, but appreciating the small things in life and lending a hand to those who need it is, always, a good idea. Especially this season during this nasty year. When loneliness and losses can hit people extra hard and where nobody seems to have money. It's a lot to take count off, but we can't be selfish during Yule / Christmas, a celebration off sharing, the birth off Jesus Christ so you wish, and the hope for the return off light. Don't forget that the best light comes from within. One off the quotes I like to resemble: Be a light in the darkness that surrounds us. And be a good person during this holiday season. 

I had the vain hope some time long ago, that if people would do it themselves in life, we wouldn't need a heavenly saviour to safe us, or a maitreya to follow for the earth to become a better place. I say vain hope, since I've learned to know mankind and I learned how though this ideal can be. People are incredibly nasty among each other. I hope my readers will dim it a bit during the holidays somehow.  

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.