Good evening everyone,
Today was cold with here and there some clouds. We've made it through quite a January this year. It's not over yet but winter feels heavy this year. Previous year, almost 15 people from Gortershof have died. Off old age mainly. Sometimes I have the feeling the air in my appartment sizzles from old women who fought each other at live and keep on doing so after they're death. I hope all their souls will find peace, however.
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I'm at my parental home to celebrate my dad's birthday. I thought I would never make it through this week. I had a hard time with sleeping issues and just it's general dullness. I don't have much money to spend or things on hand, and all I do is sit in my living room and drink coffee or tea, and write my weblog and watch YouTube video's. That's what I mainly do when I'm on myself. This Blue Week couldn't have stand out more in it's blueness. Little money to get by, only a course on psycho education about my disease this week, bad sleep and my dad's birthday which will never be the same since he died and the cold weather.
Today I went to my mom's by train. I think it was good for me to have something to do today. I liked the small journey by train and bus to get at my point off arival. It's something to be capable to say something small like that feels like a nice adventure. There's not much I do in a week. I decided today to put on a yellow knitted sweater with a turtle neck which is very comfy. It's almost too loud for me but it's so nice and soft to wear. Loud sweaters are one off the best things in winter.
Yesterday evening I had a terrible attack in my head. It felt like a screw got turned inside my head and I was doing hard with that feeling. I couldn't set it off. It was about that man who abandoned me for someone else. I loathe him for all that he is and I have probably always hated him as soon as he bragged about me being a whore for never wanting him. The rumors about me are not true. It felt like an incredible attack and it was hard to get it out off my head as it's an attack off anxiety I usually have about it. People don't know I'm fighting huge fears when it comes to this subject. I have been slutshamed to my bones by Vana Events over nothing. In a day and time where that is less and less acceptable, I think you have the right to know. The fears I'm still fighting are awfull but with some help from care staff I could set it off yesterday but I was doing hard. They have no respect for my dignity and what they do to me is just awfull. I have never been a whore or a slut but it's what they always adress me for being right.
This evening is not an evening for poverty and despair. I'm not alone and we'll have ordered pizza this evening. Something I don't have every day. Tomorrow we'll have coffee with a slice off mocha cake and I'll come round this week. I'm low on money, but lucky on sources to help me this week. And the handsoap just smells good. So it was worthit.
Allright, that's about it-
Thank you for reading.
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