Good night at the 9th off January, 2022.

 Good night everyone, 

I don't know who reads this blog at such a time, but if you do- great you do so. 

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The night is cold and rainy. I have slept a few hours before getting out off bed. I wasn't doing well after holding up some memories from 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I was at the peek off my strength- trying to get a career and I was good at what I was doing. If I wouldn't have become wrecked- I would have been a completely diffrent person. It ended all in tragedy after becoming delusional about Vana Events. I could have had it all by now. I'm still the loser everyone has always seen in me. I was thinking fullfilled with pride how I was at traineeship at the civil registration office more than 10 years ago, and then about Alkmaar and then something painfull - a panic attack-  hit me and I couldn't sleep anymore. 

I could have been so much diffrent than I am today if I could only have handled things back then. It was too much and things went shipwreck for me. Life's not fair most off the time for me. I barely feel sore over that anymore. It's just that this evening when I was in my bed it hit me. I have failed. It has been too much. Vana has been a drop in a full bucket and it wasn't good for me what they have caused. I have been down with anger for so long. No matter how much off a buddhist I want to be- forgiveness is still impossible for me at that point. They can play the role off victim, but that's not true. I suppose they haven't suffered the way I have done all those lame years. I have been using hurtfull words out off anger and pain. Not because I'm a bully. They have done more hurt to me than I probably have ever done to them and that is the truth. 

Something frightfull hit me this night and I couldn't take being in bed anymore. What do obese women wear at night? 

I'm wearing a purple longsleeve, and a matching purple pyjama pants 'till over my knees with panther print. Nothing naughty here as I can hear some off you thinking. But it's all innocent yet everyday fancy. 

I'm drinking home grown grape juice which tastes perfect. People in this country can grow grapes just fine / by the vine, due to it becomming warmer in this country. It's one off the best things to eat and drink fresh fruit and veggies from your own garden. It's healthy and if you love fruit and vegetables, also perfect for your tastebuds. Mom's husband grows grapes in his old backyard. His daughter lives there now and they harvest them every year. The fruit juice came out perfect and I'm afraid I'll drink the entire bottle. I'm afraid I'm at the last cup off the entire bottle, but I'll keep it at that otherwise I'm a bit off a gluton. They have a lot off bottles, but one is just fine / vine. *Cheers!* 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.