Good evening at the 8th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was gloomy, rainy and cold. I have been outside for pretty long since I was on the road for visiting my grandma. I have been soaked through by the rain today. 

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Today was for visiting my almost 89 years old grandma with a pastry. She's still lively, modern and young in spirit but she's getting old. Still I'm glad I decided this summer to keep in touch with her more since she's precious and a nice old woman. I like visiting her. She loved the pastry I brought her. It's always good to visit grandparents and let them know you appreciate them every often. 

After seeing grandma I went to my parental home since that is in the same place. I got soaked from walking that route but I'm all dry again now after spending some time on the warm couch in front off watching TV. It was a buisy day but I'm not even tired, unlike most common days at Gortershof where I live. I suppose it was a good day. 

I felt like changing my medication to Haloperidole. A classic anti-psychotic medicine. but I'm changing my mind since it seems to cause depression and it's possible for people to stay fat. The main reason for me was because I wanted to loose weight, but seeing it's side effects made me change my mind. I want nothing that causes depression. That just wouldn't suit me. I feel bad already. I don't want to get into the circus off changing medication if it doesn't do good for me and doesn't change something. That's just not worthit.  

Love is sometimes a bit weird. When I felt all cold from waiting on the bus for an hour in the rain my faded old crush on 'Lars.' came back. Whenever I feel bad and in trouble, he creeps up in my mind and thinking off him kept me warm while waiting. Back in the land off the living, when the bus arrived at my destination and back on my feet at the bus stop, it faded off when I felt allright and safe again. It's gone for most off the time, but sometimes when I feel in despair it gets back a bit. I don't know why. I'm in love when I probably need a man around me. When I don't need someone- I'm fine and I suppose it's a delusion already. 

I changed my mind on changing medication. I could, however, try to enlower it a bit like the psychiatrist recommends and feel a bit more fit in the evening. I feel like I'm dying sometimes when I'm in my bed in the evening. It's -this- heavy for me at the moment. I don't know how I will react to it. Trying to lower Lorazepame wasn't much off a succes this summer. I felt unstable because off it and went entirely back to the old level before trying to quit. Causing me being tired and out off energy all the time in my normal ways. I get exhausted fast. 

My attemps in being more pretty goes well. I take more effort for myself ever since catching that depression in the neck and trying to throw it out. And it's fun. Most women, like me, love pretty make-up now and then and perfume behind their ears and the luxury off purchasing new items that work every now and then. (The look and feel off that luxury - Appearently I'm a true Leo after all- just does it. I don't want to be spoiled, but I just love the general feel off beauty items when they're packed so gorgeous and feel so luxurious. Perfect!)  

I must say perfume goes easier than make-up. I'm rather likely to spray perfume on every day than doing make-up. Today just wasn't for make-up but I have my nails done (With polish, not fake nails) , my hair looks better than before and I'm wearing grey pearl studs in my ears. My inside feels wrecked somehow, but my looks are fine today for me. If I wasn't fat from being a mental patient, I probably wouldn't have mind to have actually seen 'Lars. ' while waiting for the bus for an hour in the rain at Beverwijk station. 

No, I'm lying- I felt soaked and it probably wouldn't have been a good idea after all, but someday I hope I will look and feel all worthit for a crush again. Delusions form a crush sometimes. Love is an ilusion, but the painfull reality off having nothing at all in my life is even worse. I need that ilusion / delusion when the streetbricks I got mentally pushed on are cold, grey, hard and in general painfull. 

Feeling pretty and being pretty is just not there yet. But I'm on the good road towards it. Tonight is for sleeping over at my mom's and tomorrow I'll go back home. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.