Good morning at the 16th off February, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today it's freezing cold with snow on the streets. 

*

It's monsters! It's irresistable, fuzzy, cozy, fluffy green and purple HEMA hug-monsters! 

I purchased them as gifts for my brothers, my brothers are only about two or three years younger than me,  about 30 and 31, so it might seem a bit stange to random strangers why I would do this. But we always have been sorta geeky. So it's not a bad thing to do funny, random stuff like this as gifts. I think these are sooo cute. 💖 Simply to give them away is a good idea. They come from HEMA's, and by the end off the week I will attend to my famiy and I will have some nice gifts for them. 

I have been feeling off these weeks, bad in my skin, delusional, bad sleep, I watch my food, but it's mainly normal food. I feel emotional and gloomy, and I'm often moody and a bit emotional. I keep on having delusions about being followed, It's winter and the snow makes me a bit frightned, about not being into reach for delivery services like PicNic for groceries. Fear is a deep emotion in me, we're kinda stuck in here when it snows. I have been up ever since 02.00 AM, I just showered, I could not catch sleep anymore. Worrying sucks. It shows on my skin. I'm growing old.... Time stands still and passes by, nothing moves with. I'm just growing old. I maintain to look young, but I feel older than I am. On the inside, I feel as old as the mountains, while on the outsde, I'm as young as a breeze. I should maintain youth on my face. It's a waste to look too old on my face. I like the idea off myself as an ageless vampire. Somewhere around 26, I stopped ageing and  I still look stunning. It's perfect.. It's not to complain about, you'd mistake me for a 26 year old if you'd see me. I'm proud I maintained such good health, I would like to stay that way, really pricking out eyes off people my age with this stunt. They live so unhealthy... I would be karma to their face if they'd see me, all young and pretty while passing by. It would be perfect. I may sound like a bitch, but I'd think that would be so funny. If I would maintain good sleep, and be certain medication grants me long live and vitality. If you want to know, I do all these things most people don't do volunteerly and usually dislike or hate. Like eating as good as all vegetables and fruits, little snacking, no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, no make-up, no sugar in coffee or tea, no high-processed drinks, those sort off things. It's just that I'm medical obese, but with bloodtest results to be proud off. And I adjusted the gym every once a week to it. I feel proud off living healthy. It's just mental issues, being mental a bit moody and bad in skin. And offcourse, that impossible plus-size. I hope the gym will work against it.                                                                                                                                                             

Allright,   

That's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 5th off October, 2025.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been a stormy weekend in The Netherlands. It's still windy and rainy. 

*

'It enhances your heart...' Dáár knapt een mannenhart van op... But I never had the chance to actually share it with the right guy. I make the best coffee and soup in town, That's what I claim all the time. I'm the coffee lady, and sometimes I sell pretty good soup to my friend, the retired zookeeper. He asks me all the time. When I'm about to make vegetable soup, and today was for a good portion off cauliflower oven dish with a bowl off low fat strawberry yoghurt. 

I think it helps, he's underfed and low on vitamins. So he can use my food. But it's never for Mr. Right. Still, it's making me happy to improve his health a bit. But having no man is a bit off a miss. It hurts a bit to have a hole in my heart. I'm at that age, but a man is not preferable, and neither is having kids. Economics are too bad. My health sucks, I think I'm about to die all the time. Every morning I wake up after an evening struggling with headaches is a gift. The cramps hurt an incredible lot. It's rotten. Every day, every year is a gift in my opinion. But I struggle and it hurts. But to cook heart enhancing foods keeps me alive, in a wide sense off the word. And help my neighbour. It sets my mind off off things, and we eat. 

'I make the best in town.' I brawl a bit, but it's a joke and they got it. Maybe they even agree. I'm a bit cranky, a bit moody. It's that war-feeling, Autumn and the gloom off this old town. Food keeps me up. I don't mean over-eating, I don't have money for that, but I can cook a well cooked meal, and I enjoy. Despite it's every day food. The World used to be more rich, I wish I would not compare to the old situation all the time, the situation from 5 years ago, when we seemed rich and invincible. But I have to keep up. Though I must admit, sometimes it's even a bit soothing to dwell in that crankyness, I did not know I was capable to feel an emotion like that. So gloomy, so desolate, dealing with bad economics and the weather. And meanwhile I take pictures off my every day food and post them on my Facebook. I like to think I mock Russia that way a bit. They want us to be poor and starve, but I still have healthy foods on my table. 'Look, Moscow, I. still. eat!' Despite prices. It's not luxurious, but compared to the old situation, this is luxury off the day.  And I'm a sick nobody without a job. But I eat healthy food. 

I think Russia should hate me for it. This is what they're after. But I got wartime food. I'm not wealthy. And it's basic. Every 90's dad could tell you this is utmost basic, but it's kinda good. Come to think off it, to have a man and extra mouths to feed would be too much. But selling a mundane portion to a skinny old grandpa does it with this. I sell portions for 5 euro's each. I always say he 'owes up for the minced meat.' In an oven dish, or for soup balls. I make my own soup balls. And this way I can afford beef mince. Prices are expensive for us, on the lower scale off income. But I manage to come round. I try not to be expensive, and a bit giving. Tonight's portion was big, and he got a dessert with it. It enhances a heart. That's what I do if I feel well on a Sunday. 

But this world and being poor, that's why I never got married. And offcourse, my own impossible self. It's a calculation, but I think it's fate. Just like Jupiter in Libra in the Fourth house on the horoscope off the Kingdom off the Netherlands, I'm blessed with the home and doing home work, but I'm not fit for anything outside this place. Mars makes a square in Capricorn, and Venus opposes it in Aries. It's not preferable for work, or wealthy elegance, and forget it with love and romance. But it's the comfort off a home. And I got that. The blessing off a Dutch home. I'm sincerely lucky with it, but love is not in it for me. (I tried to read the Dutch horoscope. It's kinda interesting.) And it's both fortune and faith. I hope that doesn't sound too vague to you. To work with this horoscope chart makes me understand things a bit better. Horoscopes aren't complete gibberish to me. It's what keeps my mind buisy. 

So, that's what's on: The gloom, foods, selling them and the horoscope. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

  

Good morning at the 6th off August, 2024.

 Good morning, everyone, 

Tomorrow is promising to become a nasty hot day for me. I don't like summer heath. 

*

Yesterday was my birthday. I have been preparing birthday treats for de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. And people loved it with their coffee. 

Duo quark-tarts with birthday sprinkles. Inside it's two flavours, a layer strawberry and a layer mango, with chunks off pineapple on the bottom. It was a perfect taste for them. 

For my birthday celebration on Saturday, I prepared Monchou cake. With cherries from can and tiny white chocolate hearts on top. 

It's been yummy and well-received by my family and people who had a slice off it.  My birthday table looked like this: 

Very romantic, very elegant for an afternoon coffee with family and friends for a 32th birthday celebration. I turned 32 yesterday. 

It's been energy consuming. Some people do this in one day, but I took my time to prepare, make, have it, and then clean the mess the day after. It's not possible for me, energy-wise, to do this at once. It may seem lousy, but medication and energy keep me from preparing birthdays last-minute and cleaning the very same day. Just too hard. 

Sometimes I dream off a whole Christmas celebration at my home, all luxurious, well-prepared and decorated with fancy Christmas kitchen ware and such. Dinner from an icon like Nigella Lawson or Donna Hay. But that's probably a bit too much. Given how much this small celabration took me. I think I'd rather stay gourmetting at mom's. But as far as this went- lovely.  

There are also people who do this every sunday with a much larger group off relatives, but I think I would not be capable to do that either. Just too much energy, too over-prickling. Every often is a much better idea for someone as low in their energy as me. Man, I can't even watch TV or cook like an ordinairy person. That's the good thing off protected living: Being annoying with your disease as much as needed, without being in the way off someone. But a small birthday celebration my style was possible. I kinda liked how it went. Without too much trouble. I really have to re-gain energy from it, but that's how lame and low my energy level is at the moment. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Good evening at the 18th off April, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was mostly cloudy. 

*

This morning was for not swimming, since I had an in between bleeding. Something that can happen to some females. I missed out on swimming, and I did not like. I love to swim every week. 

I did not miss out on the Thursday music afternoon. I love to sing along with the music care taker that comes every week to make music with us. They play guitar, and we sing along with widely known songs from printed lyrics they hand out to us. 

I think it's healthy to sing out loud every often for most people. To sing out loud is very healthy. Some people should do so more often. It can be healthy for your heart and your soul. People here sing old songs a lot. I love it. It makes people more loose when they sing more. Less tied to their obligations. It's a whole lot off fun in my opinion. 

 

 

Tonight was for 'Spaghetti Rossi.' with home made tomato sauce from fresh tomatoes from the market. It was a try out from the Pasta Bible. It was pretty healthy, and wholesome. I had an orange for dessert. When I have to prepare my own food, I prefer to eat healthy, so it seems. 

It's exhausting to prepare my own food every night. I have to get used to it again. I think I will take it easy this weekend. Not too heavy, not too difficult. Sometimes we have to take count people can't handle much, actually. Same counts for me. I can do a lot off things, and I have a lot off plans. But I have little energy due to medication. So, I have to take it easy when it's too much for me. I have to take count off my bad health and my low energy level. I don't have too much obligations, so I think it's no big deal doing so. As far as that goes, my only obligation is to keep the kitchen clean. If they don't want me to do so immediately, I can. I don't have much obligations, And still life is tiresome. But weekends don't have to be hard when it comes to food. I think I will be capable to handle it. 

 Sometimes I make it hard on myself, by wishing to keep this home tidy. I got complimented on the clean floor by a lot off people. 'The secret is to vacuum and mop every week.' I tell them. A lot off people don't mop. But it's an absolute must for a groomed floor. When it comes to that, I'm glad with my household help who reminds me every week. I mop my floor myself. While she vacuums. If this home wasn't messy, it would almost be spic and span. It's something to be proud off. Maybe I'm concealing something with this behaviour, but I think by the end off this difficult time, I can either be proud off myself, or look back a bit annoyed for me walking in line so well. For now, I think I can be proud. What am I to proove? I have no idea, but for now I just think I'm tired. Very tired from an attempts in good housekeeping. I don't know if it's for a form off pride, or just for myself. All I know is that I just try. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 5th off March, 2024.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was gloomy, dreary and rainy. 

*

I feel wobbly and out off balance. I'm not doing well in my head. Today I had spring vibes on a rainy day, and had put on a pink t-shirt while it was rainy and dark outside. I had not checked the weather for today. I better don't do that again. It made all leppards in my head go crazy. No, I'm serious. I feel bad this week. I know there are tons off people out there who say I should not mind about the weather if I want to dress in pink, but maybe that's what made me feel out off tune today. Though I have been complaining about doing bad ever since Sunday. I have the luck to live here. Compared to other people, I'm death lucky with my home and health care. I'm clean washed, fed and my hair is cut for a bargain. I got that cool shoulder length haircut that's in fashion due to this care home. Though I combine it with thick glasses I have to wear. But still, the glamour 😉 

No, serious, if I fall death this evening, that'd be a waste off materials and bargains. I better live to tell the tale off this crisis. If I maintain, I'm certain I will outlive this crisis and war. But sometimes care takers can't say it better: 'If you go, you go.' And that's about death. If I gotta go, I gotta go. But I don't want to. I want to proudly tell the tale later on. I don't know who will listen if I don't have grandchildren. Local TV or the newspaper probably. They have short documentairies about old people who outlived WWII in it sometimes. Maybe I will end up like that with my tale later on. Let's be positive, maybe some day someone has something about my tale. Maybe inspiration to continue during hard times. But it matters if I outlive these times or not if I want it to be like that. I'm a bit cranky and sarcastic due to the feeling in my head this evening. 

Still, the home is fresh and clean, and my bed is fresh and clean today. Plus clean pyjama's. My endless fight to stay fresh seems to be won for today by me. I don't wear fancy clothing, but I try to ensure it's fresh and clean. It's such a good thing, especially during these times, to make sure you're at least clean. So you can use it as a statement. 'No matter what they say about me being cheap, at least I'm always clean!' Or in that fashion. I think that's a good thing for us (My generation, younger people and simply the poor) to keep some dignity in it despite it has to be so cheap. It's a little less bad if you keep clean. 

It's also been my New Year's resolution for this year: To keep myself and the home clean. And so far it works. It goes better than a diet. I do smuggle, to be honest, but in general? Not that bad! It's something to be proud off in these lethal times. I must admit that it's with help. It's not just me who does it. Health care helps with a lot. But I do my parts and adjust to it. It's clean without it not being cozy. It's a perfect home for these days. What's also a part off it, is that it's a good mind set-off off things. To keep buisy with cleaning gives something on hands, and we can be proud off ourselves we do so. It's my way off dealing with the war to keep this home (almost) tidy. It's not perfect, but I feel it counts. 

It's my advice to anyone who wishes to have something on hands to keep dignity, their minds set off and something worthit and usefull to be proud off during these hard times: Good house cleaning. Keep your place tidy and clean, and you will have something good for yourself to look back on. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.              

Good evening at the 28th off November, 2023 -2.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's still raining outside the home. It's cold, dark and stormy. 

*

How am I doing these weeks? 

I believe I'm fine, up on my feet and it's going by allright. I like to be on my feet and do things that are in my range off possibilities instead off sitting on my ass all day and do nothing and just earn governmental wage. 

It means being (mildly) on a diet, cleaning the home, helping de Boed doing the dishes after dinner, keeping myself clean and fresh, being after healthy foods... (Fresh fruits at the local market.) baking a bit, doing excercise every once a week, (Swimming) but I'm planning on to do more. Simply to lose weight. It's strange how wishing to be 'off duty.' gets me to clean and clean myself a bit better. Like a vintage home maker would. It's not how you can be off service to the country, but to set my mind off off the world, it works. I used to be a filthy pig some time ago, nowadays I even groom my eyebrows regulairly. 

I don't follow the evening news as often anymore, since it's all Israel-Palestina, which doesn't hit the nail if you wish to stay informed about the crisis and the war in Ukraine. Sometimes I read the local news paper they have in the morning, with my coffee at de Boed to stay mildly informed. 'Noord-Hollands dagblad, regio Zaanstreek.' Almost everyone reads it. It's better to stay informed about the world during these days. Not to is just plain stupid in my opinion. 

I have to beware not to overwork myself. Often straight after chores after dinner, I put on PJ's and I'm in bed untill medication, then sit on the couch untill I feel tired enough again to go to sleep. It's not boring. I still feel homey, cozy and nice in my own home. It's cozy and nice to be in during rain. I have a nice home. Keeping it clean even lives up to the feeling off cozyness and pride these days. It's no punishment to lay in bed all evening. Especially since I'm out off bed early in the morning. Cozy comfort is so nice. You could wake me up for it. And then put me back to sleep in it again. 😉 I'm somehow keeping an hibernation during these evenings. Not too bad for a buisy bee like me. I'm so tired every day. Maybe that's how it should be. I'm a psychiatric patient, and the way it goes, life is enough. 

That's how it's been these days: Take care off the basics, and then sleep. It may not sound like it's much, but it's progress compared to some time ago. It was even worse than this. I have been doing just too bad the previous years, and due to be capable to set myself to things, despite it being in a cheap way, but finally it's there, it's progress to me. The home is finally doing well thanks to me. It's finally getting somewhere. It just took a crisis and a war to trigger me there. Does that make me mad? Well, a little hard headed, maybe. But the bathroom, the kitchen and the living room floor are all clean each week. It's gratefull work to myself not to neglect myself anymore. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.       

Good evening at the 1st off January, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold, rainy and windy, though it's not overly cold. I turned the central heather a bit lower today. 

*

Today was the first day off my two No-Spend-Months. It went quite well. I haven't spend money today. I just had a cup off coffee this morning and I was inside all day. 

Just fresh coffee and some quiet me-time this morning. I didn't even have the radio on, cause it almost caused me a headache so I wanted the surrounding to be quiet. I didn't even eat the Christmas wreath cookies I found on my shelves. They're still in their package. (Though I had a pack off Buggles.) And I have been looking up the point saving programe at a website where you can safe for Nordic Ware on a discount. But I already own the two items they have on that site. So not much to safe for there. 

I heard the name to a good song on the radio during the Radio event off the year, the Top 2000 at the end off the year where they broadcast a lot off good music at the end off the year, and I have been looking it up on YouTube and enjoy it. The White Stripes with Seven Nations Army. 

 I just love it, and I love the lyrics. I have heard it before, but never knew the name to it. I love this kind off music and Rock classics in general. It's the best idea from Dutch radio to make a wonderfull programe at the end off the year playing this kind off music in a list where people can vote on it. And I learn a few names to songs from it, so it's also usefull. 

That's the day: Coffee, not spending money, alone time and The White Stripes at this first day off the year. 

I had a wish for last year: To publish 200 weblogs and I almost nailed it. It where 198 weblogs last year, so I'm short on two. Just damn it, almost... That will teach me to publish so little during autumn. But I just couldn't find the heart or the inspiration to write. Or my broken ankle was just in the way. 

2022 was an awfull year, I just hope 2023 will be much better. There's a promise in the air for it. It looks good astrologically seen for the first months to half off the year, so it's hopefully going to get a bit better for me and the world. The fireworks yesterday where just beautifull. I have really been enjoying them from behind my window. I live on the first floor off a small appartment building. I had a perfect sight over the houses last night. And before that de Boed had a quiz with great apple beignets (They came from a bakery and they where just so good) where I won the second prize. De Boed made quite something off last evening. After that I wanted some alone time with the radio on untill after midnight. It was a good evening and I have been really enjoying it. 

It's a bit off a bugger that the holidays and autumn are over. And we have to deal with winter for almost three good months. It's the perfect time to safe a little money in my opinion. I just hope the next year will be a good one. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 29th off December, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is grey, cloudy and rainy weather in the Netherlands. 

*

Today was for failing preparing muffins. I did most things right, but then adjusted blueberries to the batter I had in my freezer for a while. And they where rotten. The batter turned too green, so I could throw it all  away. It's been a massive waste off ingredients, including two packages off white chocolate chips. I wanted to prepare blueberry-white chocolate chip muffins. But it didn't work out well today. I have to re-store all the ingredients and try again. The blueberries wheren't out off date according to the package, but still they where spoiled. It's going to be an expensive joke if I wish to try this again. So there is no last gift for the end off the year for de Boed from me. It's baling a bit. 

This country needs bomb shelters, and we need them ASAP. If the war is going to get more nasty, I foresee attacks on our country even. Far off as we are, it's realistic. It's a safe idea to have them on hand for when we need them. There's too little safety space in this country for when we can expect an attack. 

Zaandijk has no bomb shelters for example. It's as dull and grey as can be, but it's far from safe from war attacks. It's never been there since there has been no war for decades. But it's a good idea to be safe. 

You might think I'm negative, but I see this ink black to be honest. It's not positive, but a war is never positive. 

I'm terrified off what's going to happen next year. I don't have images off things happening in my head, I just foresee it's not good. And maybe something bad is going to be happening to me personal, so I have to watch myself for something to happen. I just don't know what. The feeling is too vague to be clear yet. I don't have to act in panic yet, panic is never a good advisor. I just have to watch and act when I see it. 

I feel so bad. Over the last year and about the period that's coming. We have bad days ahead to us and I feel frightned over the war. I have been thinking to skip No-Spend-Period and live for the moment. Not stocking money up if I don't need to. I would show I have no guts at all to the world if I would do so, but at least I have lived. Just like make-up. I'm wearing strong eye make-up today and I did well with it. It felt well on me, and no one accused me to be a whore. I'm not acting out off ratio, but merely out off a feeling 'what if today was my last?' I'm wearing pretty simple clothes today, and aside to eye make-up I kept it every dayish and modest. It's rainy, but it's too warm outside for a sweater. And my wardrobe for this year was kept simple. I have nothing to feel guilty about today. De Boed thought I was pretty and no one was jealouse. And still it would have been not much make-up if I was a British woman. British women wear a lot. Still, this is the Netherlands and people don't wear a lot in this place.

I'm still so tired. I feel like taking my rest a lot these weeks. I'm exhausted and I need the peace off my own home this last week off the year. I have done so today. Today was for the serenity off my own place, despite the failed muffins. 

Allright, that's about it for today- 

Thank you for reading.  

 

Good evening at the 24th off December, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been cloudy and cold outside. It's grey weather but at least it wasn't misty anymore today. 

*

Christmas Holiday talk...

Today was for spending an entire morning in bed. After medication I went back to bed and I rested like crazy and I felt all warm and safe. In my mom's home, in my own old bed. It's hard often to feel safe like I do here when I'm home at Leviaan. Nothing beats the feeling off being in bed here in pyjama's for a Christmas holiday. 

After taking a shower and getting dressed, I helped preparing stewed pears for Christmas dinner tomorrow. I love stewed pears and they where the only thing I wished for for our Christmas dinner this year. I prepared them, but I somehow think they can be a bit more sweet. Mom doesn't allow me honey in them, or regulair sugar. So it's dealing with what I've got. I adjusted red wine, cane sugar, kardamom, cinnamon and star anise to it. And vanillin sugar. Peeling and cutting them felt almost therapeutic, since I love preparing food. Mom says there's a chance they will be sweeter tomorrow since the juices and the flavors can soak in tonight. That would be really cool if they would be brought to good taste, after all. 

After preparing stewed pears, I spend my day watching movies on Disney+. This is just a perfect Christmas holiday day. I have been watching The Muppets a Christmas carol, and both Hocus Pocus movies. Usually I'm not this lazy and relaxing is for wimps with a safe surrounding. De Boed has been lethal these weeks. People acted mad and violent. But today I come to peace and I relax. 

I really have been enjoying mom's black tea with raspberry flavour the previous two days. She purchased it at a luxurious teashop in Haarlem, and it's fresh tea which has to be brought to taste with an old fashioned tea egg. It's not from a grocery store and it's wonderfull. We really make something special out off having tea with it during afternoon. I get it in a large glass, and we got a treat with it. Mom really masters the art off fine tea moments. At special occasions, she really loves to make something out off it with special flavours, gathering the family togheter for it once a day, which I love. It's a high point to a day in her home. Tea is a passion off hers for several years and it's been here for a long time. She also has a thing for special coffees. She loves the shop Simon Levelt for example. Where they sell really fancy coffees and teas. She pours us those at the Sunday morning breakfast, when she goes to luxury mode and really makes a Sunday morning breakfast with fancy breads and boiled eggs for example. 

Most off the time I myself keep it simple at my Sunday breakfast table, usually I fry an egg on sandwich bread, or I think it's too much effort and simply eat bread with peanutbutter for breakfast on a Sunday. I don't have the money to do a luxurious breakfast on Sunday, and I slack with these kind off things just for myself. So it's too hard for me to maintain it. Aside to that, I have to get up early on Sunday to get my morning medication. But this weekend will be diffrent. This weekend it's Christmas, so I can also enjoy mom's sweet luxury in the morning. (On weekdays mom keeps it just as sober as anyone with just bread and meat or cheese. But during the weekend it's luxurious breakfasts in this house)   

I love Christmas. I really am going to do hard when it's all over and we have to make it through January. Usually I try to come up with all kinds off fun plans to still make something out off the rest off the winter. This winter, it's going to be even more off a challenge since I decided to do no-spend-months. 

If you wonder what I can foretell about the next period: 

- Winter is still to come, prepare for it. Make sure you have enough warm clothes, and yes, I foresee snow. Be sure to have warm drinks on stock like tea, be sure to own snow boots to be capable to walk in the snow, and blankets since this is an energy crisis. And be certain you have enough household supplies. Things like aspirine and tissues for when you get sick are handy too. Fresh fruits can't be purchased on stock ahead, but you can purchase vitamin supplements. Be certain to be safe this winter. Better safe than sorry. You don't want to go out during a blizzard or when the road gets slippery again for items when you need them.  

- The crisis is not over yet, and I think we're just at the beginning off it, but maybe we'll start to believe it's going to soften, or a period where it's really softer is about to come. But still beware because it will get back at us hard if we don't watch, be carefull and prepare well for it if we can. Still I would like to advise you to make use off the softer period ahead to us, and purchase handy stuff ahead for when it goes bad again. (And that is about to come, I just don't know when. But be prepared for it) Here again, Better safe than sorry. Though you can invest in stocks off handy items, I would like to advise you not to go too overboard with shopping since we still need a lot off money to cover up for enhighered costs and who knows how bad this is going to get. I would say: 

Make it through the winter, make use off softer windfalls as they will come, but be aware it might not last forever. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 5th off December, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

*

Today was for dessert making at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. I made my fellow clients and myself a Sinterklaas dessert, chocolate milk panna cotta. It's a receipe as easy as pie. I topped it with whipped cream and 'pepernoten.' Small spiced Sinterklaas cookies. Most fellow clients enjoyed it. I had the luck the panna cotta wanted to stiffen this time. The previous time when making it, I had too little gelatin and I failed. The second time we had a delicious panna cotta, however. And they thought it out for this day, for Sinterklaas evening. 

I have no kids, and I don't live with my parents anymore. So I don't celebrate Sinterklaas. It's something for kids, and if you're lucky, adults if they still celebrate, but my mom doesn't want to ever since my dad died. I miss it. I have had some presents from mom when she visited last week, but I sobbed a few tears this period over not being capable to celebrate Sinterklaas with my dad and his family, and over poor children who are not capable to celebrate Sinterklaas. If they come to school they can't say they got a present to their classmates, and the idea off them getting bullied over that made me cry. Poor children sometimes make me cry these days. 

So, I had some presents in Christmas style. Mom does celebrate Christmas since she likes that more. I haven't been completely sad and it cheered me up to have been given presents this period. It feels good to to get presents and be a bit rewarded for all my good work and being a good person this year. I did my utmost best for it. It's important to share and give, but sometimes it feels so good to be given something back for it. 

Especially since grocery shopping felt like being robbed instead off Sinterklaas. I haven't even purchased much, but it was still so expensive and it felt screwed to be forced to pay so much for it. Still I was capable to buy what was needed and I could afford. I'm proud off myself I can withstand the crisis this long with what I've got, despite it's not much. And maybe I should be gratefull for that 10% wage increasement we got these months. And my capable administrator and her office. They deserve praise too for their hard work. I have the feeling I will be capable to withstand the entire crisis. I just hope it doesn't take too long and get too intense. I have the feeling the entire country will be demolished if it takes, say, five years. But then again, I had the feeling off having to live in a Country that will get as poor as Africa. The famous prophet Nostradamus had predicted this crisis. If you know his works, you know he predicted this and all off this will get well one day either. According to the interprentation off his prediction, Latin American countries will help Spain and Portugal to get out off this crisis, and they will help us to get out off it. Learn Spanish, It might not make sense now, but later on it might be important in the future if you want to have anything to do with world business. I remembered this phrase from the predictions I have been reading some time ago. I just can't remember what year we will be saved. Still, it helps me to keep my head held high to know it will end one day. I should re-read it to get a better hang on it. It could be 20 and effin 30 before we got saved, or 2028 if I remember well. Uranus will be out off Taurus in 2026, which also might mark the end off a crisis. But I shouldn't be speculating, I should know an exact year, or it might sound too vague for many a sceptic. 

Still. The country will be screwed over big time if this crisis takes this long. I don't know if most people can withstand, no matter the 10% wage increasement. It teaches many a spoiled brat some lesson in gratefullness, and taking a step back in materialism. I know, but it's not good if it takes too long and too much off us. Still I personally think I can withstand for the time being and that says a lot. 

It's not the end off mankind, and it's not the end off the world. It will still be there and turn afterward, but I should be realistic if I overvieuw the short- term future. I don't make myself ilusions over money or posessions. It will take a lot off hard work and strong willpower to withstand this. Not spending it on luxury, Watch my spendings in the supermarket and for me personal, keep something behind for extra rough times and keep my stock on a good level. Think before you spend. I could afford some Christmas luxury this year, due to gifts from mom and knowing my administrator allows me that. But that's due to not spending crazy amounts off money during the rest off the year. I'm also saved because I eat meals at de Boed every time. They increased the price for their meals, but still it's affordable to eat there alltogheter and let them cook. It's not fancy, it's a lot off boiled potatoes, but it's acceptable most off the time. 

I heard some people don't heath their homes anymore. At all. Not even during cold. I have the luck Leviaan pays for that for me and fellow clients. I don't have anything to do with gas and electricity prices if they keep on doing that. I can moderately heath despite it all. I have a lot off luck with that. I don't know what I would do without this. Sometimes I have the feeling I have been given this luck, that I'm destined to be saved during this crisis by a higher power and that's the reason why I survive. I have no other explaination for it than simple faith, by whatever power that is. For being a good and helpfull person, probably. Or maybe it's plain charity simply because I'm handicapped. Whatever the reason, I'm lucky. I don't live spoiled, it's actually small and basic care. But it's there when it's needed. Also during these dark times. And that's why I know I will survive, despite it all. I can't do much, I have a handicap, I'm on heavy medication and I have a low condition. But this I will survive thanks to where I live. I'm lucky and despite not having a real Sinterklaas, that is my greatest gift. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good evening at the 12th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today has been cloudy yet warm changing to long periods off sunshine. 

*

I have been in all day to recover from my sore throat. Since I heard what the complaints where to other people who got it, I wanted to take little risk plus given the fact that I had fever attacks I called everything off and decided to stay in and take a rest. It's also a good idea to keep it calm when you have a sunburn and you look horrendous to other people. That's been my day. The pain off the sunburn faded but I feel a bit bad over probably having to take it easy tomorrow and not being capable to provide carrot soup. My poor carrots and my poor fellow client... I bale about it since I love soup making for them every week. 

My nails this week where done by someone else than the student care taker who takes pride in doing my nails. They're that sick this week. The kitchen won't be under employed tomorrow but it will be due to me there is no soup if my sore throat continues. Honey liquorice works untill you got thirsty from it. So it's not much off a cure for my issues. They said what I had on Sunday could have been a sunstroke. I have to stay out off the sun the entire summer so it seems since I'm too sensitive for it. Ladybug Guardian Angel? Anywhere? Anyone? (I hope I don't overwork or annoy him with what I'm doing. I don't want to strike him against the fur since he is my rescue guard most off the time and in my mind he is someone I'm fond off. I hope he excists. It's actually a voice in my head but a girl can dream.) 

I decided to watch a little TV this evening but there wasn't much on it. If I watch news items, I feel enormously pity for poor people who befall victim to this crisis. And children's TV is not much off my taste anymore and I can't be bothered with other TV programs since I find them not interesting or stupid most off the time. TV about Ukraine can be skipped alltogheter since I find watching it already traumatizing enough but I keep my TV for every now and then when I feel like it. I'm not much off a TV watcher most off the time. 

Though I'm sick, I couldn't sleep today to cure and the Leviaan handyman came to fix something in my house. It didn't take long but you could imagine I was wide awake after that due to that. It was a laundry and drying machine switching panel. He replaced it since the old one was downright dangerous and not working anymore. 

I feel a bit brake from doing nothing and being in here all day while trying to cure from a sore throat. I simply hope it will fade tonight and that I can sleep. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good aternoon at the 5th off April, 2022.

Good afternoon everyone, 

The weather is cold, grey and rainy outside. It´s autumn in spring, just before easter.  

*

Today was for being inside my home most off the time and taking more rest. I have been to an informative show off to our homes new surface. There will be a renovation on the entire building. Every home will be renovated and will have new windows and a French balcony. I hope it will work out for us. The outervieuw from that window looks downright great compared to what we have. I just hope it won't be colder inside my home since they come with smaller central heating. It's the only thing I have dove so far, aside from eating a bag off potato chips. Today I feel like being lazy all day and I needed some me-time alone. It will get better once I'll have to go out for dinner this evening. 

Today was for being a bit off rest. Every now and then I need that, and the rain outside makes it even more inviting just to do little. 

Life is so much better with these cute images. I don't know who has drawn them, but they look so nice on my weblog today. They come from pinterest. Actually, I started a weblog just to show you this cuteness. It's almost easter and the world can use some fuzzy cuteness today. I hope I'm not overdoing it, I just needed to do it, though. 

I'm doing fine, just a bit tired and I need to figure out what gives my life meaning and how to maintain being happy instead off going depressed again, and feeling as if life has no meaning and is so incredibly empty. I think I should not be forcing myself onto it, since I better don't be harsh on myself about anything as I don't take that very well. But it's a good idea to do more off what I love, despite living far off off a lot off cool things. I hope to get over with that one day and actually go out more, when I'm ready for it. 

I think mental health takes it to an unfair level by saying people with mental problems should do more out off themselves to give life fullfillment while there is so much lack off initiative among us. They make it often seem like it's something in me while it could perfectly be the medication. There was a time where I loved doing more in life and walk around the village each day and do a lot off fun shopping and such. I don't do so anymore since I caught a depression and everything is far off. They take it a bit unfair at the mental health centre for pointing that out to me. It's rather circumstances in my opinion. I bale a bit about it but I remind myself often that I shouldn't be ungratefull for what I have and that I don't do bad in life. Despite it being a bit too boring and mundane at times. And still, medication switching hasn't helped me off off lack off initiative, unfortunately. I still have to figure out how to get over that barier. But maybe that's just me and not medication. Life is hard at times. 

Allright, that's about it -

Thank you for reading! 

 

Good afternoon at the 24th off January, 2022. (1)

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cold and cloudy and it's still January but there is light at the end off the tunnel. Restrictions will be softened untill almost none anymore. Such a relief for this entire country. 

*

First off all I would like to share some pictures off the nice present I gave myself to cope with Blue Monday. The 15th off January, it's Dutch National Tulip day so to soften the edges off something sharp, I purchased myself some tulips and I have a lot off pictures off them. I loved how they grew and how beautifull they became in my vase. 

Warning: Picture drop off the same subject. I have a lot off pictures and this weblog is the perfect place to put all my attemps in photography on. 

 

I somewhat love taking pictures off flowers in nice vases. They lend themselves well for photography. I had 7 in the main vase, and then sacrificed 3 on my small altair for the good gods, to show gratefullness about the previous year. I happen to have a small altair in my home. The flowers have already bloomed and are thrown away but They kept me mentally alive previous week. 

I have even better news I'm going to share with you in my next weblog for today. These pictures where taken during diffrent days and show diffrent stages off growth off tulips. Photographing them was fun. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good night at the 9th off January, 2022.

 Good night everyone, 

I don't know who reads this blog at such a time, but if you do- great you do so. 

*

The night is cold and rainy. I have slept a few hours before getting out off bed. I wasn't doing well after holding up some memories from 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I was at the peek off my strength- trying to get a career and I was good at what I was doing. If I wouldn't have become wrecked- I would have been a completely diffrent person. It ended all in tragedy after becoming delusional about Vana Events. I could have had it all by now. I'm still the loser everyone has always seen in me. I was thinking fullfilled with pride how I was at traineeship at the civil registration office more than 10 years ago, and then about Alkmaar and then something painfull - a panic attack-  hit me and I couldn't sleep anymore. 

I could have been so much diffrent than I am today if I could only have handled things back then. It was too much and things went shipwreck for me. Life's not fair most off the time for me. I barely feel sore over that anymore. It's just that this evening when I was in my bed it hit me. I have failed. It has been too much. Vana has been a drop in a full bucket and it wasn't good for me what they have caused. I have been down with anger for so long. No matter how much off a buddhist I want to be- forgiveness is still impossible for me at that point. They can play the role off victim, but that's not true. I suppose they haven't suffered the way I have done all those lame years. I have been using hurtfull words out off anger and pain. Not because I'm a bully. They have done more hurt to me than I probably have ever done to them and that is the truth. 

Something frightfull hit me this night and I couldn't take being in bed anymore. What do obese women wear at night? 

I'm wearing a purple longsleeve, and a matching purple pyjama pants 'till over my knees with panther print. Nothing naughty here as I can hear some off you thinking. But it's all innocent yet everyday fancy. 

I'm drinking home grown grape juice which tastes perfect. People in this country can grow grapes just fine / by the vine, due to it becomming warmer in this country. It's one off the best things to eat and drink fresh fruit and veggies from your own garden. It's healthy and if you love fruit and vegetables, also perfect for your tastebuds. Mom's husband grows grapes in his old backyard. His daughter lives there now and they harvest them every year. The fruit juice came out perfect and I'm afraid I'll drink the entire bottle. I'm afraid I'm at the last cup off the entire bottle, but I'll keep it at that otherwise I'm a bit off a gluton. They have a lot off bottles, but one is just fine / vine. *Cheers!* 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 8th off January, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was gloomy, rainy and cold. I have been outside for pretty long since I was on the road for visiting my grandma. I have been soaked through by the rain today. 

*

Today was for visiting my almost 89 years old grandma with a pastry. She's still lively, modern and young in spirit but she's getting old. Still I'm glad I decided this summer to keep in touch with her more since she's precious and a nice old woman. I like visiting her. She loved the pastry I brought her. It's always good to visit grandparents and let them know you appreciate them every often. 

After seeing grandma I went to my parental home since that is in the same place. I got soaked from walking that route but I'm all dry again now after spending some time on the warm couch in front off watching TV. It was a buisy day but I'm not even tired, unlike most common days at Gortershof where I live. I suppose it was a good day. 

I felt like changing my medication to Haloperidole. A classic anti-psychotic medicine. but I'm changing my mind since it seems to cause depression and it's possible for people to stay fat. The main reason for me was because I wanted to loose weight, but seeing it's side effects made me change my mind. I want nothing that causes depression. That just wouldn't suit me. I feel bad already. I don't want to get into the circus off changing medication if it doesn't do good for me and doesn't change something. That's just not worthit.  

Love is sometimes a bit weird. When I felt all cold from waiting on the bus for an hour in the rain my faded old crush on 'Lars.' came back. Whenever I feel bad and in trouble, he creeps up in my mind and thinking off him kept me warm while waiting. Back in the land off the living, when the bus arrived at my destination and back on my feet at the bus stop, it faded off when I felt allright and safe again. It's gone for most off the time, but sometimes when I feel in despair it gets back a bit. I don't know why. I'm in love when I probably need a man around me. When I don't need someone- I'm fine and I suppose it's a delusion already. 

I changed my mind on changing medication. I could, however, try to enlower it a bit like the psychiatrist recommends and feel a bit more fit in the evening. I feel like I'm dying sometimes when I'm in my bed in the evening. It's -this- heavy for me at the moment. I don't know how I will react to it. Trying to lower Lorazepame wasn't much off a succes this summer. I felt unstable because off it and went entirely back to the old level before trying to quit. Causing me being tired and out off energy all the time in my normal ways. I get exhausted fast. 

My attemps in being more pretty goes well. I take more effort for myself ever since catching that depression in the neck and trying to throw it out. And it's fun. Most women, like me, love pretty make-up now and then and perfume behind their ears and the luxury off purchasing new items that work every now and then. (The look and feel off that luxury - Appearently I'm a true Leo after all- just does it. I don't want to be spoiled, but I just love the general feel off beauty items when they're packed so gorgeous and feel so luxurious. Perfect!)  

I must say perfume goes easier than make-up. I'm rather likely to spray perfume on every day than doing make-up. Today just wasn't for make-up but I have my nails done (With polish, not fake nails) , my hair looks better than before and I'm wearing grey pearl studs in my ears. My inside feels wrecked somehow, but my looks are fine today for me. If I wasn't fat from being a mental patient, I probably wouldn't have mind to have actually seen 'Lars. ' while waiting for the bus for an hour in the rain at Beverwijk station. 

No, I'm lying- I felt soaked and it probably wouldn't have been a good idea after all, but someday I hope I will look and feel all worthit for a crush again. Delusions form a crush sometimes. Love is an ilusion, but the painfull reality off having nothing at all in my life is even worse. I need that ilusion / delusion when the streetbricks I got mentally pushed on are cold, grey, hard and in general painfull. 

Feeling pretty and being pretty is just not there yet. But I'm on the good road towards it. Tonight is for sleeping over at my mom's and tomorrow I'll go back home. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

       

Good evening at the 7th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

This evening it's sunny and bright outside. It's showing as if it's beginning to cheer for summer but let's not be too positive about that. It's still too damp and cloudy here and there to do so. 

*

Wednesday Soup was for cucumber soup with a lot off green herbs in it. It was a great taste and I had a lot off people liking it. Cucumber soup isn't something common and fresh cucumbers are delicious but not a basic ingredient for soup in this country. It was worthit the try however. Cucumber alongside some zuchinni's to help it and dragon, an entire jar off Italian herbs, an entire small jar off dill and some fresh basil was defenetely a good idea. 

I am visiting my family this evening for a suprise and so far everything goes fine. I love my family and I feel it's not much off a nice thing to speak bad off them on here. I cherish the ones I still have. I helped mom preparing a salad and I had no complaints about being too slow from her, luckily. Every day chores in the kitchen like preparing an every day salad feels like it's a good thing to do and it's nice to do. Sometimes we need just tomatoes and cucumbers in our lives to feel a bit better. And they're a good idea, nevertless- because they're healthy for most people. I adjusted a lot off ghürkins, apples, eggs and some herb dressing. Nothing more than that but sometimes so satisfying to make when you feel dark and numb. I stick to my point: Making yourself off use for people makes you feel less empty in life. Even if it's something small.   

I feel so incredibly tired all the time. I started taking more vitamin D but still- I'm low on energy. I keep on trying with vegetables and fruits to regain a bit off energy but it's hard for me to maintain a healthy energy level. So we have a salad, brocoli, fish from the oven and potato rösti this evening. I feel spoiled by it. Mom has a relaxed tempo on living her life. I have a cool mom who might not understand but who tries her best. Tomorrow I'll head home. If I had the choice between a man and sleeping well every night I'd choose the last. I would be so much better off if I'd finally rest a bit better. And sometimes small things are to cheer for. Be happy with what you've got and don't act spoiled. It's sometimes so honorable to do so. 

I wish I could sleep well and feel energetic again for my entire life. Sometimes it's those medicines I have to take. I have to take them my entire life so I won't be dangerous or incredibly crazy. With meds I'm a faded version off myself though I try looking my best still. Life with medication is hard but without it it would be impossible. I have to flip every euro since I live on governmental wages and I have gained an incredible lot off weight over the past years. I'm a faded version off myself these hard and painfull years- due to heartbreak it has worsened a few years ago. I'm finally making steps to get over with that. Life is hard for me. But I keep on trying. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 5th off July, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, (I made this message yesterday, but I forgot while browsing the internet and shutting down the computer afterward. I'm about to post it today, at the 6th. But it's about the 5th.) 

The weather has been again perfect swamp-weather. It was cloudy with a bit off rain but it was warm in general. I think we should be lucky not to be a victim to huge rain storms in the rest off the country which have caused a huge flood in other places. 

*

Today was for grocery shopping. I wish I wasn't so blunt at the internet at times, it's funny but who cares about grocery shopping? It's the best effin enlivening story you'd read today: Went grocery shopping on a cold and rainy monday. -Tissues please.- My bankcard still doesn't work - Now it gets exciting- My Accountant has laid the problem at the bank. I had to pay with cash I had still safed somewhere. -Background music.- And I bought... -Tatatada- Bananas, some honey and some dates. - End off the story.-  Starring: / Care taker 1./ Care taker 2. / A white van/ The van driver./ Fellow patients./ Me./ (We always get there driven in a white van.) It's the mundane for me, just like banana cake. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should get myself into bored housewife behaviour. Reading bouquet books, getting rid off medication and start drinking sherry and white wine, Start wearing marigolds- It would not make sense but it's what I associate the supermarket with. Every day women with a '50's attire (Heavy make-up, dresses with approns, marigolds and pearl or loud necklaces and earrings.) getting bored throughout their day. But my idea off the supermarket is an outdated one. Supermarkets don't want to be known as an old fashioned place. They are very tolerant to everyone I hope to believe, so also for people like us to do our groceries every monday. The only reason I'd like to associate myself with that is that life is mundane at some point and supermarkets are part off that. I shouldn't complain since I got driven there in a white van with other people with issues. That's not mundane. Sometimes the mundane is a safe place where people can come to rest. Still, among washing liquid, tomatoes, magazines and other usefull everyday products I associate it with mundane and probably a bit dull. But it's not cool to make fun off usefull supermarkets. They are incredibly needed for most people. 

The best part off the supermarkt is their fresh items counter. I love fresh nuts and chocolates and fresh breads and all other yummy stuff that's made almost fresh there, comming to a great smell. That's a good thing about everyday supermarkets. And washing liquid, tomatoes and magazines are needed. I think soon I'll get someone at the supermarket catching me among the tomato storage asking me why I'm dumb laughing so hard at the vegetables. Veggies are cool. I hope the supermarket won't be offended by this blog. 

Life gets by every day. It's going allright. I'm not heavily off set, but I have to take on it easily. Today was a bit nasty for me since I dropped on the pavement during a walk. I have a few nasty bruised spots on my left leg which will probably turn blue. It was a nasty fall and I needed a moment to get over with the shock. It's not broken, luckily. The pavement where I live is somewhat uneven everywhere. I dropped more often around this area. During winter I was all bruised because off it. (Don't laugh.) And I hear several people complaining about uneven pavements.    

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading. (The story for today will eventually follow.)        

Something that's centred around positivity

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was for cloudyness and rain. But there are reasons to stay positive in life. At times it's absolute necessity to take good care off ourselves and pamper ourselves a bit more since that's what everyone can use when a day, or and entire summer, is gloomy like that just like the rest off the year. We need to take good care off ourselves, - because no one is going to do it for us according to what some say. 

What is a basic need for most women during gloomy and cold weather? Some warming and nice smelling showergel and a rich bodybutter- alongside with a warm shower. It's a good idea to take uplifting and comforting showers and give yourself that extra care you need. Especially in the evening when you feel you've had an entire day out in the cold. Make sure your house and your bed are warm and comfortable in the evening and sleep like a princess. Listen to your favourite music and allow yourself yummy comfort foods like ovendishes with extra cheese on them for example and a nice dessert. Pamper your skin a bit more with skincare (Men could also do these steps.). These are perfect things to do during weekends, or on days when you just need that little extra to help you through the day. Allow yourself tea and coffee and maybe lift it up to warm spiced tea or cappuccino if you can afford that. At times life needs a little more than just the average. 

Is that something about positivity? I wish I could share a cool story with you about something positive that happened. The most positive in my life is that it's more about self-healing from past damage and getting to know my disease better and be more aware off it's symptoms so I hope I can handle them more. Unfortunately nothing spectaculair happened but small medication enlowering. I need to back it up this evening because I have slept bad yesterday but I wish to go on with it and get used to less medication and more off a free mindset and spirit. That's something that feels nice, but I still have to be aware off myself. I feel a bit better so I decided to make myself look better. That is positive. I have been looking like a ghost for too long now and neglected my selfcare for a while. I feel more fresh now. It's a good thing to feel alive again. 

Life at the moment feels good by watching video's on youtube and somewhat dwell on luxury goods. Like new clothes I've bought this week, and pampering myself with nice feeling skincare. I prefer to use stuff free from animal testing as I think it's not necessairy to torture poor animals with what we need. Except when it's to test medication but that's an absolute necessity. The world can do without care products tested on sweet animals. I prefer nature based stuff over processed goods. It's softer on skin and better for you. Become more positive- start to care about the world around you. I decided to be against animal testing and pro natural based products before it was a cool thing ever since I was in my early teens about 15 years ago. I'm proud the world has made such improvements on these products ever since and it's something more and more people are aware about these days. It's a cool thing. 

Feel more positive- but that's something I could work on myself. I ain't all sunshine and roses either this period off time. I feel positive by practicing gratitude. Not in a christian way by praying, but more in a 'I'm gratefull for what I have.' in a more 'I can feel it when I'm around here.' - way. I feel gratefull for everything I got here. My own house, people who help me, A garden belonging to the terrain, ways to be creative, life- all off that, having food on the table each day, these things matter. Life can be as simple as this sometimes, just having your basic needs covered. But it's a necessity to be gratefull in a time which makes people too materialistic about life a lot. 

Allright, that's about it for now- Thank you for reading.        

Good evening at the 15th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is sunny with a hint off clouds and it is appearently cooler than yesterday. Those cool episodes are to my liking. Tomorrow and the day after that it will be too hot outside for me. I'm not going to like it. 

*

Today I sat outside de Boed on their terrace in the shadow and I enjoyed the coolness and the green summer surrounding. It was nice to be there and just feel the atmosphere off June. I have been minding the bewildered plants for a while. I like it that way and I love bewildered plants and plants growing across each other and it looking like some beautifull bohemian ensemble. Bewildered areas where there hasn't been build yet, or bewildered yards with a lot off variety in plants and a cool summer atmosphere are so beautifull. It has 'something.' almost mysterious. It's better than straight cut areas with less variety and flowerbeds being too neatly organized. That bewilderedness off flowers and plants is in fashion nowadays. I love it. 

It's been a thing from the government ever since we had an economic crisis to let areas bewilder and take less care off outdoor green in public areas which made it like that. de Boed and Gortershof have a large garden which is taken care off by a serious hobbyist. That makes it look a thousand times better than when it would have been done by paid professionals. The garden is lovely. We have a lot off bugs outside like butterflies, ladybugs and large dragonflies. There has been one bumping it's head on the solar screen this afternoon, but with some care that beautifull almost tropical large green dragonfly could fly again and the day has been safed. Bewilderdness almost brings out a sense off freedom in me. The kind off sensation that makes you stand above the rest off the world and makes you feel invincible at times. At least that's what it does to me. The others become corporated hypocrits living for their money or status if your heart becomes free and autonome. I love it. It's a feeling my mom has been raising me with. It's where true music should originate from. That spectaculair feeling off freedom. 

Yesterday I was sitting by our fish pond while the Gortershof-band played their soulfeeding music. They play blues, classic rock, jazz and other amazing styles and they are very, very good for a hobby band. They practice two evenings a week at de Boed and the atmosphere it gave outside was spectaculair. Magic is in the air when something feels like this. My soul is fed when the world looks like that. Light outside, beauty outside, great music outside. 

I barely have any money and I live in a small house but I feel great when this all comes togheter and makes the atmosphere fizzy and bright,    

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 14th off June, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny and warm. And it felt like a bit too much off a good thing, still I made the best off my day. When summer strikes in the Netherlands, it strikes good. 

*

Today was for grocery shopping and preparing my own meal in my home. Without nasty care-takers being on my nerves. I made cauliflower rice with orange and red paprika, a yellow zuchinni, two leeks, an onion and chicken breast. Made to taste with spices and ketjap manis. It was a nice meal and it was healthy. I feel better than when I would have been at de Boed today but it felt lonesome. I finished my meal with 0% fat peach yoghurt. I love having breaks from de Boed every often as it gets a bit too much at times. I feel agressive people and nasty care takers are not the way I want to have my dinner in the evening. Tomorrow I'll have that meal again and I'm glad I made it. 

This morning was for jewelry making and I donated the necklace to de Boed's outlet. Aside to that I just have been doing grocery shopping and had myself tea all day. It wasn't much off a bad day. I wanted to cook with bald colours and I did so. It's a certain wisdom/ science that having a lot off colour on your plate is healthy. I love preparing meals with a lot off bald coloured vegetables. The supermarket had an action on yellow zuchinni and orange paprika's. Aside to other healthy and bright vegetables I'm eager to try. Graffiti eggplant. It's an eggplant which looks like it's painted purple and white with a graffiti spray. It looks cool and I'm used to vegetables so I don't mind a bit off a bitter taste that might come from it. Like eggplants usually do. A bald coloured ratatouille is most off the time a great dish and it's healthy. I like to prepare mine with paprika sauce and chicken minced meat instead off tomato sauce and common minced meat. Sometimes I prefer paprika sauce on places where tomato sauce is required. On pasta's for example. I can reccomend farfalle with paprika sauce and chicken minced meat aside to the other vegetables. It's delicious. 

I'm on this point again where I'm preaching about vegetables and colours, but it's mainly the question if I will stay on this point. I have to be honest with you. I wonder if I'm strong enough to do so. It's preferable to keep on watching my weight at this point and start a lifestyle change like the psychiatrist recommended last week. I cheer for healthy eating, I believe in plant based foods. But I know myself. The mind is strong, the flesh is weak. I'm not a christian but I know this is written in the bible. Not the salad bible but that's mainly about plant based foods. My flesh is strong when it comes to prudity and celibate living in psychiatric health care. I keep my distance from men to stay where I am in life. But when it comes to food... I'm not as strong minded most off the time. 

I've got mainly sweet tooth. I'm not the kind off person to go after junkfood. Some people like to see me that way but that's not true. Sometimes it takes sugar instead off salt to get me. A spoon full off sugar instead off rubbing in salt on wounds most people prefer not to see. I have to loose weight, however. I'm motivated to do so this summer. I even believe in eating less meat to safe the planet. I'm not vegan or even vegetarian, but every often a good replacement for meat can't do bad. I can't do without eggs and diary, however. I love to make great desserts and that needs diary. Safe more cows, don't eat them for their milk? 

I still see weird faces in trees or at plants, or on places where they shouldn't be. Sometimes it's the same guy showing himself at me and being charming and funny to me. It's a good person doing that in my mind. It's not healthy but it's good company. The tree next to my house is the place where I spot most off the weird cartoonish faces in the branches in winter and among the leaves in summer. It's less when the tree is bare, But it's still there. I see the same faces most off the time, but sometimes branches look strange and have become new faces, or I see new things in the tree. Mainly angry looking masculine elves looking down at me in dispice. A mean blonde princes and something that looks like Elizabeth I looking nastily down at me. A crow with a bandana, another version off that crow, and another version off it in the same face but then with diffrent eyes- It even has expressions at times. Trees are living things but seeing faces in the way their branches are drawn among the air in winter is not healthy. I start to see it at more places, and the bald colours off flowers everywhere seem more vivid to me. I love bald coloured flowers. I'm not crazy when it comes to that, just a bit sensitive for it's beauty and that is nature at it's best. 

I prefer the trees being all green and appearing lively like these months compared to all bald in winter and seasons around it. Is the tree telling me something? I wonder. I barely know if the answer to that is yes. I have been hiding myself from a certain crowd for a good reason. I believe I did good on it. I don't have to live up to their immature and cruel meanness. Especially when I still think I was right all along and that made me do everything. I'm still alone in the world, but at least I do what is right in my eyes. 

Be brave, Be honest, Do the right thing- always. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.