Good evening at the 29th off December, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is grey, cloudy and rainy weather in the Netherlands. 

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Today was for failing preparing muffins. I did most things right, but then adjusted blueberries to the batter I had in my freezer for a while. And they where rotten. The batter turned too green, so I could throw it all  away. It's been a massive waste off ingredients, including two packages off white chocolate chips. I wanted to prepare blueberry-white chocolate chip muffins. But it didn't work out well today. I have to re-store all the ingredients and try again. The blueberries wheren't out off date according to the package, but still they where spoiled. It's going to be an expensive joke if I wish to try this again. So there is no last gift for the end off the year for de Boed from me. It's baling a bit. 

This country needs bomb shelters, and we need them ASAP. If the war is going to get more nasty, I foresee attacks on our country even. Far off as we are, it's realistic. It's a safe idea to have them on hand for when we need them. There's too little safety space in this country for when we can expect an attack. 

Zaandijk has no bomb shelters for example. It's as dull and grey as can be, but it's far from safe from war attacks. It's never been there since there has been no war for decades. But it's a good idea to be safe. 

You might think I'm negative, but I see this ink black to be honest. It's not positive, but a war is never positive. 

I'm terrified off what's going to happen next year. I don't have images off things happening in my head, I just foresee it's not good. And maybe something bad is going to be happening to me personal, so I have to watch myself for something to happen. I just don't know what. The feeling is too vague to be clear yet. I don't have to act in panic yet, panic is never a good advisor. I just have to watch and act when I see it. 

I feel so bad. Over the last year and about the period that's coming. We have bad days ahead to us and I feel frightned over the war. I have been thinking to skip No-Spend-Period and live for the moment. Not stocking money up if I don't need to. I would show I have no guts at all to the world if I would do so, but at least I have lived. Just like make-up. I'm wearing strong eye make-up today and I did well with it. It felt well on me, and no one accused me to be a whore. I'm not acting out off ratio, but merely out off a feeling 'what if today was my last?' I'm wearing pretty simple clothes today, and aside to eye make-up I kept it every dayish and modest. It's rainy, but it's too warm outside for a sweater. And my wardrobe for this year was kept simple. I have nothing to feel guilty about today. De Boed thought I was pretty and no one was jealouse. And still it would have been not much make-up if I was a British woman. British women wear a lot. Still, this is the Netherlands and people don't wear a lot in this place.

I'm still so tired. I feel like taking my rest a lot these weeks. I'm exhausted and I need the peace off my own home this last week off the year. I have done so today. Today was for the serenity off my own place, despite the failed muffins. 

Allright, that's about it for today- 

Thank you for reading.