Good afternoon at the 22th off December, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today was a perfectly frosted morning. The streets and the grassfields, the buildings and the trees where all covered in that perfect white sparkly frost this morning when I opened my curtains to see what weather we would have. It's sweater weather. 

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Nobody has appointments for work today but me, and there is barely anything to do outside unless you work in healthcare. de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk, specialised in psychiatric healthcare is one off those institutes that's open every day off the week, Corona or no Corona, blizzard and christmas or sweating heath and summertime. It's something to hold on to for the mental and I suspect them to even be open the day after there would be a massive bomb attack from planes on Zaandam. Corona is an excuse for prissys. So. Today was for my Wednesday Soup, despite everything. Creamy Mushroom, like I told you and it was perfect. I believe it could count as a perfect start up for people's christmas. According to the reactions I wasn't far off with that conclusion and it's an easy soup to make. It's a queen among my soups. I have a hard time dealing with restrictions but soup making helped me up again. 

It's somewhat hard since the lockdown has increased. I've had the plan to bake more cookies during these weeks, but I'm so anxious I can barely set myself to it, and that christmas cake that elderly lady asked me to make? Forget it, I just can't when I'm like that. I have slept terribly these weeks. The only light at the end off the tunnel is that I will have my booster vaccine on Friday, by the end off the week and it's pretty fast since I live in a care home. I'm a prissy these days. I could help my fellow patients but I'm all sleepless and anxious these two weeks. I decided tonight that I would be off no help and just be in the way to care takers if I would fall down from stress and I had to be brought either to a psychiatric clinic or the hospital. The last can't help me these days, and the first is already on it's last leggs as far as this crisis goes. I don't know if it helps me already, but I felt I could sleep again after that thought. I'm not off help for professionals when stress kills me in times like this.

I still can't set myself to making the cookies I have been thinking out for this occasion off increased lockdown, or the polar bear cake for Anne, (There are a lot off women named Anne, I suspect people wouldn't be capable to find her this way if I wrote her name on here.) but at least I could sleep the rest off the night. And despite the morning being hard- My christmas start up soup this week was a fact. I'm tired from sleeping bad for about half a week. I have mentioned good night tea (slaapthee) helps, but the second night I drank it, I couldn't sleep but my mind was more at ease. I felt well rested despite no sleep had happened. 

I hope I can keep myself to these words off courage. I hope sleeping is easier with this mindset, but life still is stressfull and frightening these days. I have been thinking 'I wish someone would bake me those coconut stars.' but as far as I know, I can forget about that. Life is hard for the first time for my mental disorder since the crisis broke down. It's a bit too harsh to demand me to get back up on my feet if I don't know if I can take that at this moment. My light in the darkness is that I will get my vaccine soon.

Some care takers are a bit harsh about it and push me to limits. I have been discussing this with other care staff and they say I should talk about it. But that's a story on it's own about a witty care taker who isn't feeling with people very well and who works a lot off people on their sensitive nerves.   

Previous year I wasn't so afraid but it's because there have been riots all over the country. I'm afraid it might come to a civil war once those riot seekers are getting wild and they will get after me and do harm to me personal. Out off jealousy because I can take on the crisis well compared to others in the country and I don't have to deal with outstanding poverty like a lot off people. (I'm far from rich, I live in a very small appartment but I don't have to deal with things that hit common working people these days.) If the riot seekers get violent, I'm afraid the police and even the army can't stop them. That's my main fear. Not even Corona on it's own since I can cope with that. The lockdown has massively increased, I'm afraid the people can't take it and this small country will go mad somehow. 

Allright, that's about it- Thank you all for reading.