Words off meaning

 Good evening everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy outside, it's just 4 degrees celsius and it's seriously cold but somehow clear outside and it doesn't rain. 

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Reindeers, Polar Bears, Candles and then the whole range off receipes from previous year- when an elderly neighbour recommends christmas cake receipes to you, your answer would be yes too. (I hope it would be) I think I'll let her enjoy her christmas cake and the rest off de Boed too. I think reindeers are a cute christmas decoration somehow. I purchased a reindeer headband online and I just have to find a battery to lit it's decoration and be funny at the christmas table. It's not what I mean with 'Be a light in the darkness that surrounds us.' I mean being inspiring for people in your surrounding, be a heartwarming person and bring good spirits with you when you do your business.   

de Boed has become a post office. We have post lockers and they intend for clients to start working there, but nobody (including me) feels like it. Don't worry, we still have the hall, the main point for clients, but someone got it in their head to make it a post office somehow at the former office and the hallway where we had our coat rack. It's now done by PostNL staff, or staff to de Boed.  

I have the feeling being an inspiring light has become somewhat harder for me. I'm tired a lot and rather feel like being in than doing my business outside. I like to be at home a lot and sit on my couch, ignoring the world outside mainly including the internet. The last one hasn't done bad for me, and I get in what I need from the world when I have care takers visiting, or when I have my evening meal at de Boed and my small walk after that. Life isn't hard that way. I like to inspire others, but it's like I feel less like doing it. I like talking with health care staff and I go to a course every Thursday about mental health. I get educated about my disease by professional staff from the organisation that provides it. Other than that, I'm a hermit. But it's allright to be a bit like that these days, especially in winter. It's cold, the world has a pandemic and it's a hard world outside.

Sometimes I think 'Where is my light in the darkness?' Life and it's issues have cleared up for me this previous period. I live a calm life without a lot off hardships now compared to some years ago. I feel like I'm becomming more stable, but I'm also recovering from things. And I have the feeling 'what do I do it for?' People still seem all the same, no matter how much you try to be helpfull to them. I wouldn't like to let down that attitude to people. The attitude off being positive with them. So to recover from the world, I stay in a lot and ignore the rest from the world in my safe little cocoon on MY small corner off the world. I need that rest to be a good version off me the rest off the time. People who don't know this side off me wouldn't believe me and still prefer to see me as a bitch. But I'm not a bitch. I guess they'd get me wrong from the beginning on but there is no end to their prejudice. I found it wasn't my fault after all if people have no end to their nastyness about small things that happened. Their petittemindedness is worse than what I have done in my opinion. It's no use trying them to get over with it, but that's none off my business anymore. 

I live for my small corner off the world, in my small cocoon - helping people who do hard by shoving them a heart under the belt (If that's a proverb in English. It means trying to support them by lending them a hand and hoping they'll gain good spirits or even courage from what I do) I believe in it. I'm not a mental health professional, but I can help a little every now and then. You can help yourself by helping others. It's a budhistic wisdom to do so. But according to the west, you shouldn't over do it and let yourself being shoved under by it. I think I start to feel the last, but I have been on my feet for others for years. I need a little break. Cocooning does well for me these months. Helping others wasn't ment for myself to feel better by it, but it happened. I began to feel good about myself again after nasty things that happened on the internet and people hating on me such a big time after it. I decided I wanted to proove I'm a good person, after all. It works better in real life than on the internet. And sometimes those who speak nasty about someone are just nasty themselves- They don't have to proove anything to anyone so what are they, to be honest? They can be ignorant all the time without anyone misjudging them, because they are not in the spotlight my way. 

I have been fighting these incredible battles, but no one from them has seen any off it. I believe what I have done has proven me and those in my surrounding who I really am. What is superficial? Following the latest trends on alternative fashion, or still being not so edgy, walking around in sweaters and jeans but still doing your best feeding others. I have proven myself, to myself over time, in many situations. And I wish to keep on working everyday like that since nothing makes me more happy than that. It's my way off life and I love it. 

Be brave, be honest, do the right thing- Always!

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.