Good late evening / almost morning everyone!
Previous day was cold and rainy, and it seems to continue to over midnight.
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Yesterday was for preparing Pumpkin Lasagna with goat cheese at de Boed. They found an employee who is patient and helpfull enough to help me cooking for them every once a week. She supervices while I think off Vegetarian and Wholesome receipes, (As she requires) and I help her cook. I think it's a perfect way to continue what I had in mind with de Boed: Helping them by preparing wholesome dinners every now and then with healthy ingredients. I'm thinking off ordering the Vega bible. A book in the cooking bible series completely vegetarian receipe based. I think it's no big deal preparing vegetarian meals every week, as long as they're nutricious and filling enough for my audience. I can't guarantee vegan, since like I told you - I use dairy in my meals and can't do without in my opinion. But skipping meat is a good step one.
Next week I picked a receipe for a vegetarian brusslesprout stamp, brought to taste with curry powder, walnuts and old cheese in it. And a few apple slices as a topping. I can't guarantee my receipes are skinny. When it's Vegetarian, I'm likely to replace meat with cheeses and nuts to fill the stomach off my audience. I could, offcourse, see what lentils and beans can do for me in that field since I'm open for suggestions. After the Brusselssprout stamp, we could try a bean or lentil stew or even a filled curry. I'm quite new to preparing curry's. I hope I'll do well on my first try. Strictly vegetarian is a request, since my Mary Poppins doesn't eat meat at all. (Other than that, she is nice.) It challenges me to use several capabilities to cook perfectly vegetarian. I like it.
Outside the kitchen, I'm in a phase where I've been crying like I never cried before. I have been bawling my eyes out over my father's death and him never comming back to me (I don't wish to inform you about all details, but it comes down to that.) This is the second day I'm up to after midnight about that, I couldn't sleep and I felt like spoiling my readers with a new weblog today about my kitchen adventures. Other than that, I woe like crazy these days. Dad is about to move on in the other world, I'm not likely to see him back again soon. It hurts. I have been using up almost an entire tissue box. It's been that bad. Fot over 9 years, I haven't been so incredibly sad about it. Life probably chocked me up with other issues the previous years, but he told me by appearing at my bed side a few weeks ago I would never see him again in his current form and that he is about to move on. (I'm spiritual and it didn't scare me at all) He will be missed, and it hurts for him not to wait on us, but he's supposed to grow and learn as a person in the other world. All three off us (My brothers and me) could grow at least 60 more years each after all. It's a long wait. Generous as that may sound, I'm hurt by it. I do hard keeping mature and wise about it, and when I look in the mirror, my sadness clearly signs my face these days. I'm all red and poofy around my eyes, my face is red and swollen, and the look in my eyes is just so sad. I haven't been so sad ever since- forever. Dad may have had his reasons but I'm mourning over loosing him. Finally.
I haven't been truly sad in 2012, since death doesn't mean forever to me, but what he said when showing up to me a few weeks ago sounded like a forever goodbye and that broke me. I hope it's not a real forever goodbye, and he will change his mind. I hope we can talk and meet up again when I'm finally there, togheter with my brothers and that we can go on togheter somehow. There have been incredible patches off sore in all off us ever since that dark period about ten years ago. Maybe he had to go on to fullfill karma, or just for the sake off having a free life again, to cure from us and we from him and then do what the upper energies felt was right. I can't sleep, I'm sad like I've never been, but it's probably all worthit in the long run. Still-
It's how it works, life and death. And you have to do what is best for the greater good sometimes. That's how I see it. I don't know if I believe the universe is supposed to become whole again like monotheistic religions state, or, according to eastern believes like Shintoism and Buddhism, a state off being transferring into another state off being all the time. (That's called Dharma) I like to believe in a warm source off whole as our origin. But I haven't figured out, not even for myself, how it's supposed to be next. Are we on our way to becomming whole again, or just on our way to the next thing? I think I will leave the answer for how the future unfolds.
I drink Earl Grey tea (with honey sometimes. Actually, Earl Grey works against sadness. It's not some urban legend from Great Britain, it really does something.) to help me through the dark sadness, and I talk a lot with care takers about how I feel. I feel something in me wondering if I am all alone in this world, after all.
My head's filled with sorrow and the only thing that seems to cheer me up is christmas. The cheer off christmas being ahead. I look forward to it and I will celebrate it in my house, no matter how small I live. I need it this year. Christmas, Yuletide, no matter how you will call it, I want to celebrate it this year.
My sadness requires me to take good care off myself. I need to sleep well, try to groom myself and eat healthy and drink a lot. It comes to my mind as it might be a challenge. I'm up untill 02.00 A.M, I hope I'll keep to my shower routine and I chocked in an entire bar off chocolate just moments ago. I could also have a bit off merci on my soul and not be strict on myself these weeks.
I thank you for reading.-
That's about it for now.
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