Good evening at the 8th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been cold and grey with hints off an icy sun here and there. It wasn't much off nice weather today. 

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I have done things to myself to fit into a standard that might be lower than my actuall self. Taking less care off myself, or choose to degrade my looks not to look too overdone and make them think I'm a slut but they have been immensely spreading that rumor anyway. I hate them for it but I could have skipped the things I did out off fear off them judging me. Know who I mean? Those followers from Vana Events that wish to set me aside as a mindless, slutty barbiedoll. I don't know where they caught the nerves to do so. I never have proven anything about that rumor anyway. I just have been living up to showing myself more prude and ungroomed in the world than what I would otherwise find acceptable and what for? Out off fear. For people I never see. And when they do see me, they step onto my soul by being sexist and rude anyway. It's been the lowest way off showing a woman she is unwelcome and these are not delusions. These are things that have been truly happening and denying them is gaslighting and I don't accept that. It's best for me to stay out off those social circles for my own feeling off self. 

Things I didn't have to do: 

- Not wearing make-up 

It's common for women in the fantasy scene never to wear make-up. It's almost a statement against the fashion industry and I do so myself too. I barely wear any. I shouldn't have done it for them, or because being depressed as a doorknob over my (now ugly) looks hits in. 

- Dying my hair brown instead off blonde

Most ladies in the fantasy scene don't like the idea off blonde hair, while I just think it looks good on me if it's a more natural shade. I dyed my hair brown for people not to think off me as a slut some time ago. Nowadays I'm a blonde again and no one judges me for it. That's how it should be. I should be free to dye my hair in whatever colour I want it to. 

Now I'm as depressed as a doorknob, I can adjust skipping skincare and barely plucking my eyebrows to that list. I got called ugly by someone years ago on the last fantasy event I attended and the consequences off being seen like that hit me so hard I got sick again for years. I'm so depressed over my looks while I know I enjoy taking better care for myself and attempting to look good again. A little more pampering wouldn't do bad on me. I barely pluck the hairs in between my brows nowadays. I don't shave my body either. I feel depressed and bad about myself because off them and what happened to me in 2017. I'm not likely to forget such things happening. It has hurt. Beyond levels off acceptable. 

I can ask myself: What am I doing all off this for? They aren't going to see me. Being groomed to basic and acceptable again wouldn't do bad on me. Why am I doing this with them in the back off my mind? I could pamper myself for me. Since you should live your life for yourself and not for what others think off you. I feel sucked out and deeply depressed over my looks and I can't set myself to do a daily care routine for my skin, my hair or my make-up. I shower and I clean myself. That's a pro. I take care off hygiene and being a bit fresh but it could be much better. 

Vana Events has made me depressed over my looks. On such a level I barely think I'm 'worthit.' anymore and stopped grooming myself propperly. Something happened in 2017 on Castlefest that has left me broken. I'm not over with it yet. Vana Events is narrow minded and true evil. My heart and soul are broken because off everything that took place. I'm not capable to cope with it well. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.