Good evening at the 18th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

It's been a bright, sunny and wonderfull day this second day off  Easter. 

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I have been brought home after an emotionally intense Easter. This story is very peronal and has to be treated with caution. 

I have been in mourning over my dad and other family that is not around anymore. (Warning: This story will be a personal one) 

I have been asking my mom for personal posessions off my dad to put in my livingroom and remind me off him. I should have been more keen short after he died since the house had many off them but I felt too sick to mention the world around me and a lot off stuff is gone. I also asked for a few nice pictures off my dad and my family from his side and she had two albums for me. Luckily. Pictures with childhood memories off my entire family and it makes me weep everytime I look at it or when I think off it. Some pictures also made me see my mother in a diffrent (Positive) light. She was just a bit older than me when she had me and I can't describe the feeling I get when I see her early pictures with baby me. She does so many things for me and she is self-sacrificing on many levels and she looks so beautifull on her old pictures. It's like I seem to 'get' mom a bit better by to have seen them and it makes me cry since it's so touching to see that. I decided I have a mother to live for. To stand up from depression over my looks and to take care off myself for since it's a good thing to honour her after everything we've been through and everything she has done for me. It's a feeling I can barely describe but it's a strong feeling off love. I'm even in tears while mentioning this. 

We have been through a lot togheter. Almost my entire family from dad's side has died over the past decades and life has been rough for us. It's never been easy. I love my mom and my family deeply. I decided I want to try again in life for her. I don't know if this beats my depression on grooming and taking care off my surrounding, but it was a powerfull experience, I can tell you that. She is a mom to live for. 

And then all those pictures off our family and old house. I need my time to sort my feelings out and get a hold on them since it's the best remedie against blocked trauma I've had so far. All the lost loved ones are less lost this way/ They are still incredibly missed, I can't explain that to someone who has never been through this. Our family love was strong. And is strong, as I'm sure they look at me from the great hereafter and watch over me somehow. It's good to know they're not completely gone. And I miss that part off the family like -crazy?- All those losses and my sadness could be the reason I have become mental, but I'm not sure about that. All off this started since I was a kid by the age off only 7. But it's a long story. I've cried all the time these previous days and I'm not over with it yet as far as I see it. Life is and was very hard without them. 

This is a personal story, I hope I won't feel uneasy with people reading it, but it's a root to my trauma's. So often I feel alone in the world. Not much people do understand me and that is hard. 

Despite all off this, I think my Easter was a good one as this is going to help me. I believe that. It's going to take a lot off tissues and Earl Grey tea (And other teas) but I'm going to get myself through this. Just for me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.