Good evening at the 10th off April, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was beautifull, bright and sunny. The weather forecasted something diffrent but the weather today turned out quite good. 

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My cake was a succes. People loved it and I did a good job sharing it with everyone and helping with the Leviaan coffee moment this afternoon. Like I do most weekends. It's a small effort cheering up an otherwise very boring Sunday with a bundt cake.  

The weather was quite good, but I caught a sunburn even from mild sunshine in spring. My forehead and my cheeks are slightly red and it somewhat hurts. I was in the sun this morning and probably that wasn't much off a good idea. 

I also got an attack during the coffee moment short before it ended. Mental attacks are quite intense and draining and I'm not strong enough by now to say I made it through it entirely. Something is cramping inside my head when I have one and my face turns all zombie-ish. I can't do anything but to keep calm when I'm into one and hope it will fade as soon as possible. I went for a walk around the block with a care taker during this one (to try if it would go away doing that) and it kind off faded during dinner. I suppose to eat did well for me. I'm a bit better now but I think something was a bit too much this afternoon. Maybe my sunburn- which didn't catch my attention untill after my attack since my face could have been red due to that. I hate it when I sunburn. I love sitting in the sun but I burn easily. I didn't expect to sunburn this morning. I'm a bit stupid today. It's not always as bright and shiny as it seems when it's sunny weather. 

The attack lasted quite long for a mental attack. About 2,5 to 3 hours this time. But I made it through. I survived the day. Let's keep it at that.  I'm alive. If I can get my hands on a new bag off flour during grocery shopping, It's not the last cake I made in my lifetime this weekend. 

Let's hope the financial/ economical crisis isn't dark enough not to get more flour, since people started to hoard it ever since it broke out and flour shelves in the supermarket are often empty. But let's keep it at the crisis if I'm not capable to make more cake. I'm not death and I'm glad for it. Though mental attacks can be painfull, scary and intense. 

One thing: I decided I want to live through this (How the world is nowadays and my personal conditions) and make it through my mental disease, no matter what age I might become with it. I love life and I have no death wish. Life is never 'too much.' for me, no matter how depressed or insane I turn and how harsh the consequences afterward. I have fun in life and being a mental patient never bothers me enough to wish to end it. It's an interesting topic since a lot off mental patients wish to attend suicide. But that never counted and doesn't count for me. Life is good. Still. I wish to grow at least 90 years off age plus somewhat more in good health condition. Maybe I will make it to that age. Life has it's pro's and small pleasures I don't wish to lash out on too soon. 90, 92, or living over 2099. (I'm over a hundred years when I do so) I wish to grow old. 

I have hopes all off this is just temporary and the world hopefully will improve and we can all sigh in relief afterward once it's set to acceptable and even better again. I hope the world will do so and I hope I'm not naive when I say so. And I will improve and my health conditions will get better one day in the future either due to growing over with it, or due to science to have improved on mental conditions and I can personally sigh in relief. I just have the idea I have to make it through this rotten period off time and maybe it's ment to grow stronger because off it. I don't know. I can wish. I just hope more people will see it like this and not lose hope. People in Zaandijk often say: 'But look at what we do have.' instead off letting their head hang down in despair. They are far from rich, but still they see the wealth off this country despite it being in a crisis and everything getting more expensive. 'Maar kijk naar wat we wel hebben.' (- How they litterally say it) And they count themselves lucky this is still a wealthy country despite it all. They refuse to let the crisis and the war in Ukraine get the best off them and it's probably something to adapt. As it helps. And they are right. Despite there being war and crisis we are still wealthy and doing well in general. I just hope the world will find it's way out off the economic crisis and ordinairy people won't have to pay immense prices over gas and groceries for the war. As that's stinkingly unfair. But look at what we do still have. 

Allright, that's about it - 

Thank you for reading.