I'm not like that

 Good evening everyone, 

The weather changes by the hour, it's sunny and then cloudy, and then sunny again. But it's not warm today. Japanese cherry blossoms are blooming and it's a pretty sight at the garden outside. 

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I wish to state something about myself, I'm not a slut and I feel such pain when people point that at me. I don't like to be degradated that way since I'm actually rather prude and down to earth when it comes to it. As far as I'm aware off, there has never been any incident with me misbehaving anywhere. I have been on the good side for years while Vana and it's men have been on the evil side against me for ten painfull years and nobody ever stood up for me. They all behaved like sheep following a leader. And they still do. I feel better to have escaped them and stand on my own feet again. I live in a free country so I can wear owls on my shirt too. De uil zat in de olmen bij het vallen van de nacht, en achter gindse heuv'len, daar riep de koekoek zacht 'Koekoek!'. I feel like being the owl in the olms while they can't push themselves on the frontline enough to call me crazy and treat me that way. It's actually quite pathetic and shamefull off them to have been behaving like that all the time while you'd expect much better from them. I have seen it all, I have witnessed it all. In my freedom, I choose to leave and never come back since that would hurt me too much like it has always done. In my freedom, I choose not to follow them anymore since their rules and social morals have changed into something I can't find myself in any longer. I can't see the fun in the fantasy part anymore with such things going on on events, and nobody listening to me and taking me serious. It hurts and I don't want to be the victim to that. I'm mature and strong enough to choose my own path and leave. They called me a slut too much, they thought calling me a whore was cool, but I couldn't take it anymore and after something happened, I choose for myself. Despite all the hurt since leaving went with a proces off hurt and I had to find the strength in myself to go but I couldn't go on the way it was. I'm not a coward, I'm not a prissy, I'm not a slut. I'm probably too mature for them to take. It was too much to take on my shoulders and I'm no scape goat in a herd off blind sheep. I rather leave. It has hurt but it's over. 

How am I for real? 

I'm down to earth, I'm not a push over, I'm original and prude. I don't want people to go beyond my borders and if you do so I fight back. I rather wear high collars than decolletés, I dress simple yet classy and elegant for someone my size. I prefer pants over skirts, I wear flat shoes and I try to relativate the world with humor. I used to think I could do some cabaret, but when I try to crack a joke out loud, people barely understand half off it. So nowadays I rather keep shut not to offend people or to get weird looks from their faces. I wonder how I ever got to the reputation off a slut. If I had the choice between eating as much as I want without getting fat, or finding a man, I choose the first option. I love good foods and to prepare them. Men are a bit difficult sometimes and they are incredibly picky on women nowadays but I couldn't care less about litterally not fitting their standard. I feel uneasy having to change myself for 'love.' or 'lust.' So I don't do so. I prefer to be myself and let it all pass me by so I can walk at my own speed in life. I don't need a love partner. I need health care in the first place and a good man would run hysterically out off the collective room to de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk if he would try to dive in to it. 

People are mad, anti-social and unmannered. I'd be ashamed if prince charming would step off his valiant steam and enter the building. I can't see it happening but I learned to live with it. People are a bit filthy if they become psychiatric patients but that's due to not caring about being groomed or what's appropriate anymore when you're in for a while. It's not fancy or hip and happening, or even on a normal standard off what's appropriate sometimes. I got a thick skin, I learned to live with it but I can understand if you're a picky, ten out off ten or above man, you'd be ashamed by it and that's why I choose men not to be my main concern but to get healthy and try to get better from schizophrenia and delusions. I'm at a point where delusions got less but they are still there. Especially when I'm alone at night. I still need psychiatric health care and that's also part off what I truly am: A psychiatric patient. I don't get why people from fantasy events downgrade me and hate on me so much. Life is bad enough already so far and I could do without all the bullying from strangers and mean people in the streets. I fight enough battles in real life. Some people would not believe me about the bullying, but it happens and it goes too far as far as that goes. It's one off the reasons I choose to quit fantasy events since the bullying hurts too much comparing it to good memories. It stings. 

Back to the point, how am I for real? Food loving, witty, creative, I love bald colours and outstanding clothes, I believe in mannerism in social traffic and I behave like an example in real life. I believe good mannerism opens doors for people and that's how I got to this place, by behaving soft and sweet without extentive agression or rudeness. I'm sensitive for that. I believe you get more things done from people if you behave well. And it feels better to behave soft and receive soft behaviour in return. That's how it mainly is. I'm not a bitch in real life. I don't like to be treated that way. Though I stand up for myself as that is always a good thing and I keep my personal borders in sight as that is not a bad thing either. 

I believe in comfy clothes, I prefer to go without make-up or with soft make-up which is never overdone. I hate too much make-up though I can do good make-up on myself if I feel like it. I believe in good personal hygiene though and I love to smell good. I prefer dark colours in my clothes as a base and then pick some lively items to stand out and make it look chique alltogheter. I don't wear much jewelry, though I wear earrings every now and then and I love cool earrings. I love nail polish and I wear that a lot. I almost holy believe in not being 'overdone.' in your look. It makes me look chique according to some. I'm fat and I wear glasses. I would be blind without them. If I would have to pick a few words to describe myself it's 

Fat-Sensitive-Wishing to prove myself - Chique- Disabled- Responsible- Misunderstood. 

I don't like the image people put up about me and how they treat me and gossip about me all the time. I hate it. I don't fear to stand up for myself and say something about it. I have always wondered why they do that and why they keep up with that for so long. What is their reason behind it? They're probably jealouse and wish to truly get me down somehow. Break my spirit since they fear me and all the cliches about that are probably true. I don't like them. Some people need to look at themselves before they even attempt to judge me as they don't know me. I prefer to stand up for myself instead off staying quiet and let it happen. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.