Good evening at the 28th off May, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's sunny outside but it's still a bit on the cold side. It's said temperatures will enhigher the upcomming weeks, and summer is finally there this month after a spring which seemed more like a gloomy autumn. It's cold and depressing outside. 

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What is there to do but baking these days? I feel better if I do so. It's better for my mental state off welness so I'm not giving up on it for a long time soon. 

Today ended nice and summery. The weather is a promise for summer. 

My bloodtest went suprisingly well today. Most off the time I'm hard to prick but the person who took off my blood got it out pretty easy and that could be mentioned on the frontpage to a large news website. I hope, if there is anything necessairily to see, they pick up on that. In the Netherlands there is a wisdom where people say they rather want the lab to spot any defficiency in us if that's needed than there to be no news but continueing with what you struggle with. In the first case, at least it has a traceable reason for you to be sick and you can be treated from it instead off going on badly. I hope my results will be likewise if there is anything that needs to be treated. I'm exhausted over nothing. My energy is low and so is my motivation in life. It could be, according to my mental staff, due to medication levels. Or something else and that's what we're after, the main reason for being so tired and lifeless. Baking is perfect to keep me buisy and inspired, but now for the rest off life... It could be a sign my guardian angel is on my back again for letting the lab test go smooth today. I don't know why. I have a guardian angel who seems to help me with health issues at times when I pop them online. I would like to thank him for that. 

I decided on to skip going to de Boed today, except for dinner. I felt a bit cranky and wobbly after the bloodtest. I decided on to have coffee myself today in my own home and just take a rest. 

I have some kind off a feeling. I feel like I have been playing the card off the traited and abandoned woman for way too long in a certain case. I have been neglecting my overal look and most off the time I would advocate to look all natural, fresh and young- but I look like an exhausted old hag while not even being 30. My exhaustedness is almost my trademark when it comes to how I look. I hear people telling me every day 'You look incredibly tired.' 'You look like you could sleep incredibly well tonight.'  At times during the coffee moment in the morning I hear people adressing me 'Oh, are you sleeping?' I decided on to wish to look more lively and young, according to my own standard off beauty. Natural, fresh, lively, pure, well rested... I wish to treat myself a bit better and get over with the depressing gloom. Sometimes people have their life in their own two hands. I wonder how to get at the point where I want myself to without dwelling in foundation or concealer (Make-up) or maybe I'm about to use a hint off it, so to look more alive. There should be pills to make you feel more alive instead off being such an attack on your physicall well being and making you tired and lifeless a lot. Maybe sunshine and vitamins are going to help me. I'm not even 30 and I already start about the beauty off getting appearing younger off age. Today I put on a nice top with a sweet print instead off the usuall longsleeve. I moddeled my hair a bit and felt it was better than my average longsleeve. 

I feel literally tired off feeling like the victim off betrayal for years. I haven't hid in my own home, I do good things in the world outside, I basic wash and clean but I could start feeling better about myself simply by putting on something lively and free myself from that burden. I feel and look sucked out. All shine has been stolen from me somehow 4 years ago in 2017 after a long winter with my heart broken and my mind wrecked. To some it might have been as if nothing has happened, but to me it was a critical ramp I won't be over with soon. I believe I did well by cutting ties with the people who got me at that point. I could break out off their influence and try to feel more alive again. I deserve that. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading.