Back in the days, Fantasy Events weren't as superficial as most are nowadays.
Women where empowering respected, men got confident because they got their confident from other sources than macho stuff and it didn't matter you where fat, or diffrent looking.
It was an era where I fell for the thing. Slut shaming wasn't part off it at all. Something evil has become off it and somehow I knew on forehand it would go wrong. I don't know for what other reason I have put up such a big mouth on their forum about 9 years ago, when everything still seemed safe and sound.
The community is not very much open for discussion and you're either in or out. Before I decided to fight, I was in. I believe it went wrong with something in Vana's behaviour which couldn't be talked about and which made me angry and confused for many, many years. I wasted my time on it. I have to be honest with that.
Nowadays, it's all about sluts, and how you look matters more than how you act. Jealousy, gossip, teen behaviour among adult people and still- Vana being as dumb as a brick when you wish to speak up and talk about it. I feel bad with the current crowd at events. They are 'not my type off people.' And I'm glad I relieved myself. I don't have to get myself stuck on a sinking ship. Or something pretentive and fake. Or something that's disrespectful towards more 'real women.' I believe nothing can be done about it since it's not open for discussion and everyone still spits on me. I'm not giving in to anything, though. I feel hurt. But I wouldn't sell myself for the sake off a good spirit if the good spirit has been gone years ahead and I don't believe it was my fault. They just kept on blaming me for a lot they could have taken on more professional and mature. I'm glad I relieved myself. It's not what it was, It's not something to believe in or drawn your whole life around anymore. I don't believe in mockery from downright strangers over something they have no right to judge me for. You're not informed, or knowing what it's truly about so shut your stupid mouth about it.
The price for freedom was probably madness, and feeling so sad I couldn't overcome but I fought for my life these previous years. Compared to all off that, and what happened before and during my fight with Vana in my life, The whole fight doesn't even matter. Or it should not matter. But it hurts to be scapegoated by those morrons. they have no clue about how, why or what but still I'm the one who comes up with appologies which they couldn't even accept but dragging me even more down in mud instead. It's not a good thing. It's not something I wish to take with me in my grave. I have cut ties and I'm proud off myself. Despite it being so harsh. But step by step I'm getting over with it. I believe I deserve that. After so much hurt and pain it's almost impossible for people to imagine.
I got often blamed for over-acting, but I'm simply thát sensitive. I don't feel things like normal people, probably. But it hurts with no extend and you keep that for over acting while it's actually a more accurate way off descripting how I feel compared to other people. Usually I'm as moderate and grown up in my ways off acting as humanly possible. How dare you even to judge me so simply like it doesn't matter? If I would do so in return, hell would break loose. You're no better than me and you've never been. It's not attentionwhoring. It's just ocean deep hurt you probably can't even imagine.
I hope I made these things clear. I don't care about gossip. I just hope to explain myself instead off what most people take it for: A way to make a fool out off myself and for them to laugh about. But that's not what it truly is. Don't get me started when you offend me. I believe I shouldn't put myself in chains but state what I feel instead and don't fear or hold back. That feels like it's the best thing to do.
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