Good afternoon at the 24th off October, 2020.

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

´Honey, would you like to drive me to the nearest Albert Heijn? I feel a bit anxious today, my fears are heaping up and I need some ingredients for our sunday dessert. A bottle off Canei, some pineapple jam and a can off wipped cream. Dessert tomorrow will be a lemon cheesecake with a layer off pineapple jam turned into a jelly topping and a bit off whipped cream for decoration, and a stewed pear, prepared with the Canei and some spices. I got that idea from that cookbook I got from my mother. I wish to make a restaurant worthit dessert for tomorrow, but I don´t feel well today.´ ´It´s allright, I´ll get us to the Albert Heijn´s.´ ´Thank you.´ 

- I´m afraid that´s not how chances are for me today. I have the urge to make that dessert. Sweet, smelling like heaven on a plate and tasty, but I´m afraid I have no one to drive me to the supermarket when I feel semi-delusional like today, paralized by my fears. My first idea was to take a walk to the supermarket and get what I wanted, and prepare the dessert for tomorrow and serve it to fellow patients at de Boed for dessert. What else would I do with it? I have most stuff for it already on stock, it just needs a few ingredients to give it some tasty details. At this moment I´m like ´I don´t feel well today, I feel too paralized by my fears to get me anywhere today, and I feel somewhat off a fear for my fellow patients since they look at me like I´m the dessert when I serve them stuff like this.´ That got me feared the most. I have a gut feeling that tells me I should beware for them with things like this. If I had a special someone, I would not have to fear anything. I have the bad luck to live in a care home, though. I have the secret dream to get myself out off here and have my own home and a special someone to cook and bake for. 

These days, I have become weary. Weary and carefull about most off my actions since I fear the consequences to what I do. Usually I would fearlessly get after anything and just do it without resentment. (Well, most things. Nothing too dangerous, but still.) These days I feel like I could insult people with my actons and get a lot off meaningless anger over me by them. Or even worse, being assaulted because off being a young woman on my own. I already have a habbit off never getting out late at night after I had dinner with the Leviaan group. So for safety sake I stay in at night before 19.00 P.M and I feel good by that. I´m a bit off a hermit. I prefer to spend my nights safe at home. I never got where the insults come from that I´m a whore or a slut and that I sleep around with several men at night. (It comes from people who wish to tar me down and should not be taken serious in any matter.) I barely see anyone in the evening. Some people are just terrible with their gossip. Anyway, I stay at home and spend my nights there. Safe and sound.