Good evening at the 17th off October, 2020.

 

Good evening everyone, 

It's stone cold and gloomy weather in the Netherlands. Corona infections are increasing nation wide and most governmental steps to decrease the virus are more strict, most things are closed. 

I decided to start living more from out my emotions, but I mention if I turn to my real emotions, most off the time I feel sad and depressed. It's not much off a cheerfull mindset to start to actually feel instead off acting purely rational most off the time. Emotional reactions seem to be more like how other people react in my case, (Sometimes I feel a bit alienated from others due to reactions and mindsets I don't seem to get, or them reacting on an emotional level which I usually see as biggot and a bit cowardish often. I'm mentally on a diffrent level than most.) but as irrational as emotions are, they aren't nice and easy to live with. Being rational causes emotions but it makes me feel less depressed somehow. Though even care takers tell me it's a good thing to live from out your emotions more and not always put on a brave face. I felt I was on a level where it almost broke me. But being emotion driven isn't everything either. 

Something is wrong with me this month, I'm falling backwards into mental distress and delusions. Talking with care takers about the matter helps me to clear things up and help me see what I'm actually going through. It isn't fun. There have been several stressfull events these months in my life. I seem to have a dangerous criminal with a record and several news assignments in my appartment's gallery. I feel on my nerves already, but this month he got arrested by several police cars. I wasn't at home during that event, but I heard from another neighbour what happened when I got home. 

A friend off mine is about to die. She has been treated for cancer but it didn't help. She is given up by doctors and she will die because off it. We don't know when that will take place, but it makes me feel sad. Life isn't fair sometimes. I feel so much sorry for what is going to happen to her. She was one off the few people who was actually there for me and my family in real life when things in our lives got bad. She's in her early fourties and she has twin sons in their teens. She has a wheelchair and she can't walk. I have had her over for dinner a few times. I feel it's so unfair for some people to go through things like this. It makes me so incredibly upset with life. 

I don't know how it happend, but I distant myself from my neighbours now my mental problems seem to get worse. Probably because I think off them as a bit narrow minded and negative minded most off the time. All they seem to do is complain about life and about others. They stick up their nose for fellow patients and somehow it feels wrong to be on their side in that. I know I can come off quite normal when I'm around them, but nowadays I can't seem to pick up the strength to come off strong. Or keep standing tall in my delusions so I choose to distant myself. I think I would have been disastrously isolated from others and the world if I wouldn't live in a care home. On the other hand, it does make me isolated since I barely meet people that way. Loneliness has delusional effects on my mind. It's a bad thing which I'm not able to cure for myself. I feel so sad this month. 

I still go to de Boed, I focus on making delicious and wholesome foods for group dinner. It's my attempt to help them to make it through the Corona Crisis. By making them eat tasty. I put my entire heart in the dishes I prepare. I can't seem to come up with anything else but to cook or bake these days for my hobby. Nothing seems interesting anymore. Life is so shallow and gloomy without a drive. Something to live for, a goal, something to safe my mortal soul. I don't have anything like that. It's so cold outside, it's cold in my home and I don't know if I'm going to make it through my own peronal crisises. 

To be honest, I don't really care about events not happening, or restaurants being closed, or shopping streets being restricted. As long as I can put food on the table that doesn't matter that much to me. I didn't go out that much before this crisis and I bet I can do without after it's done. People shouldn't be so prissy and selfish when it comes to following Corona rules. The more they put their shoulders under this crisis, the earlier we might get out off the whole thing and then it's over for good. I wish people would act more smart and compassionate about it. You'd almost wish upon them to get Corona so they would know what it actually is for that they have to follow those rules. That would be good for them. Most off the time I'm not resentfull like this but I feel it would be fair this time. The world isn't in a crisis over nothing. 

I wish there would be a smart way to get out off mental health care and build up a real life before it's too late and I have grown too old to make something out off life. I feel stuck. I wish I had other people to talk with, people who get me and who don't make me feel like I'm on a diffrent mental level than they are. It's a bit hard being miss understood and it's a bit lonesome. I wish I had real friends. That would help me out.