Don't complain, set back plans and act accordingly

 Good evening everyone, 

It's a gloomy, clouded grey day in the Netherlands, I haven't noticed if there has been rain today, it could be but I felt like I was inside at places all day. Time has changed to winter time and if you're lucky and live in one off the countries who actually do winter and summertime, you might have noticed you could sleep in for an extra hour this morning. I haven't noticed. I probably slept a bit longer without being aware off it. But by now it's sinking in it's winter time.

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I have been complaining a bit about not having a family but having a lot off ingredients allready in stock to prepare a perfect dessert if I had them. I decided to pick myself up a bit, and I made de Boed a cheesecake with an easy topping I also had in stock. 

I made them a perfect cheesecake with lemon taste, topped with decorative white chocolate hearts. It looked perfect that way, and people loved eating it. I don't know if it beats the heartwarming feeling off gratefull young children, but I felt warmed by their appreciation. I got complimented all the time for how perfect I made it. Sometimes it takes just that to get over with a feeling off loss. These are the people I cook food for, this is the life I lead. It just felt wonderfull. I feel best when I feel people are admiringly thankfull for what I do for them. 

That's how one overcomes a crisis: Don't dwell in thoughts off loss, as I could do without what I already have, and simply support people throughout what's going on in the world and help them make it through. In my case, it's by cooking tasty foods for them. It's buddhistic wisdom to help others and make yourself feel less miserable. (Western theories disagree with it, but it's how I mainly deal with my issues. I feel like I need it sometimes, so I do that. I don't know if it's just egocentric or just the urge to be good and helpfull most off the time so I can deal with everything.)  it soothes. That's what I mainly feel when doing that. 

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Monday is groccery shopping day for me and my fellow clients. We head to a large supermarket driven in a van and got what we needed this week. I felt off minded, I had a male voice in my mind commenting on my outfit. I felt fashionable (I wore camel pants and a camel sweater, with my black walking shoes under it.) but it told me I looked horrendous today. It told me with funny remarks so I laughed out loud a lot about it. (I felt offended but amused. It's not healthy to have voices like that, as they take up a lot off your attention and leave you empty handed as they're not actuall people. It might feel hilarious but it's a bad thing.) I'm glad I could count on care-taker support when making my way through the supermarket. As it's mentionable I'm not doing well at the moment. I wonder how I came up with someone I have never ever spoken in real life to begin with. I'm one off the few people who is stronger than her voices most off the time. I don't feel intimidated by them, I talk back with a lot off wit so it's bearable to have them in mind. I fight back. It's not always handy as they can break you from reality and require all off your mental focus so you're talking with imaginairy people most off the time. I suppose that makes me weird. It's exhausting as it continues all the time. except when I'm among a group off others, so I have to focus on real people. It's just that recently, I have become somewhat distant from people and started those inner fights in public again. I'm glad people take good care off me when I'm too much at it.  

This evening is for taking my rest at home with some mandarins and a pot off ayurvedic tea. (It's flavor 'detox.' but it's perfect if you like spiced teas in autumn and winter.) Aside from that, not much is happening this night. And I don't mind about that. Sometimes the sweet serenity off your own home is all a person can handle at times.