Don't complain, set back plans and act accordingly

 Good evening everyone, 

It's a gloomy, clouded grey day in the Netherlands, I haven't noticed if there has been rain today, it could be but I felt like I was inside at places all day. Time has changed to winter time and if you're lucky and live in one off the countries who actually do winter and summertime, you might have noticed you could sleep in for an extra hour this morning. I haven't noticed. I probably slept a bit longer without being aware off it. But by now it's sinking in it's winter time.

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I have been complaining a bit about not having a family but having a lot off ingredients allready in stock to prepare a perfect dessert if I had them. I decided to pick myself up a bit, and I made de Boed a cheesecake with an easy topping I also had in stock. 

I made them a perfect cheesecake with lemon taste, topped with decorative white chocolate hearts. It looked perfect that way, and people loved eating it. I don't know if it beats the heartwarming feeling off gratefull young children, but I felt warmed by their appreciation. I got complimented all the time for how perfect I made it. Sometimes it takes just that to get over with a feeling off loss. These are the people I cook food for, this is the life I lead. It just felt wonderfull. I feel best when I feel people are admiringly thankfull for what I do for them. 

That's how one overcomes a crisis: Don't dwell in thoughts off loss, as I could do without what I already have, and simply support people throughout what's going on in the world and help them make it through. In my case, it's by cooking tasty foods for them. It's buddhistic wisdom to help others and make yourself feel less miserable. (Western theories disagree with it, but it's how I mainly deal with my issues. I feel like I need it sometimes, so I do that. I don't know if it's just egocentric or just the urge to be good and helpfull most off the time so I can deal with everything.)  it soothes. That's what I mainly feel when doing that. 

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Monday is groccery shopping day for me and my fellow clients. We head to a large supermarket driven in a van and got what we needed this week. I felt off minded, I had a male voice in my mind commenting on my outfit. I felt fashionable (I wore camel pants and a camel sweater, with my black walking shoes under it.) but it told me I looked horrendous today. It told me with funny remarks so I laughed out loud a lot about it. (I felt offended but amused. It's not healthy to have voices like that, as they take up a lot off your attention and leave you empty handed as they're not actuall people. It might feel hilarious but it's a bad thing.) I'm glad I could count on care-taker support when making my way through the supermarket. As it's mentionable I'm not doing well at the moment. I wonder how I came up with someone I have never ever spoken in real life to begin with. I'm one off the few people who is stronger than her voices most off the time. I don't feel intimidated by them, I talk back with a lot off wit so it's bearable to have them in mind. I fight back. It's not always handy as they can break you from reality and require all off your mental focus so you're talking with imaginairy people most off the time. I suppose that makes me weird. It's exhausting as it continues all the time. except when I'm among a group off others, so I have to focus on real people. It's just that recently, I have become somewhat distant from people and started those inner fights in public again. I'm glad people take good care off me when I'm too much at it.  

This evening is for taking my rest at home with some mandarins and a pot off ayurvedic tea. (It's flavor 'detox.' but it's perfect if you like spiced teas in autumn and winter.) Aside from that, not much is happening this night. And I don't mind about that. Sometimes the sweet serenity off your own home is all a person can handle at times. 

  

 

 

Prepare yourselves, second lockdown is comming

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

As far as I can see, infection rates in this country are increasing and as that might go on, I believe we're heading towards a second serious lockdown. I believe what's going on now is already driving some people mad (I don't know why. I have been handling it myself pretty well this far) I have been probably indulging in a fantasy about a cute single man going insane yesterday while actually he missed someone like me in his home. I must explain to you that I have spend long times on my own at home during crisises off several kind before this one, I know how to handle a serious ass crisis and not getting to panic. As that was the state off being in the house I grew up most off the time when I was in my late teens, early twenties. I had little money and no good friends, I probably came out off that schizophrenic, but I know how to handle the feeling off something falling apart and a crisis going on, for about 8 to 6 years probably. I'm mentally prepared but most people wouldn't consider me that way when they see me. It's a crisis, it's nothing to panic over. If everything else fails, start writing. Start getting creative, start improving in your hobbies and let them be an outcome for a triggered mind. As it's the perfect place for most madness. Depend on your family and make sure you bond with them well. It's a health crisis and who knows they might not survive, just like my father back then during my personal crisis. Make sure you won't leave yourself with a sense off guilt towards any family member. I have to deal with that. I feel like I haven't given my father enough. I haven't done enough for the old man during our time togheter and that hurts. We where incredibly close and likeminded but I felt I did too little for him. He died short after I had my first diagnosed delusions. I wish to sugest to my readers to make the best off the time they have / have left with their family whetheter they are diagnosed with COVID-19 or not. It's best to show people you love you appreciate them. 

And promise to  no one but yourself: 'I'm going to make it through this. I'm going to act mature, I'm going to take on this by doing fun things at home so I keep peace at mind, I'm going to make the best off life even after the world has been drained into a crisis. No matter what. I will survive all off this, and I will survive gracefully. Not gucko from being alone or scared all the time.' Life may seem short, but it can be demanding while you live it so it may seem long and pointless at times while you live it. But keep in mind you won't let yourselves be drowned by what's going on these days. Grow to tell the tale and get proud off yourselves after all off this is done long afterwards. 

Allright, that's about it for today. Thank you for reading.   

What would be if I was in charge off my life.

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

It's raining cats and dogs at this moment in the Netherlands. It's an autumn storm. I hope most people are feeling safe and warm at home. And not being stuck in traffic or something off the like at this moment. I feel a bit like complaining about my life today. 

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'The kids are terrified, they're so scared off Corona. How are we going to handle this?' Me: 'Don't worry. We're going to prepare a stuffed pumpkin for dinner this afternoon, and while it's roasting in the oven, we're going to colour some colouring books and mandala's to keep everyone at peace this afternoon.' 

This might sound a bit sour, or even stupid. Or just incredibly needy. I have been thinking a bit this afternoon, and somehow I visualized a bunch off anxious people who where just terrified for Corona. Not necessairily my kids, but some people in need. And I felt like taking care off that by making them feel comfortable today by doing something cozy. That would probably be my solution if I had a family in real life. I would make every day go by calm and making them feel at peace at home. Keeping a serene atmosphere where people would pass by this crisis at peace. We would have that beautifull cheesecake with some stewed pears for dessert, and I would make dinner the high point off our day. This evening being rainy actually screams for something like that. But I have pumpkin nor wine, I probably have to spend my evening at de Boed where they serve something I simply have to accept this evening. I'm not fertile, I have no kids and no household to take care off. Sometimes that's a good thing, but it's someting I do defenetely miss in life. I have luck with other things.   

Stuffed pumpkin out off the oven has been on my wishlist for quite some time to try. I don't have the opportunity to make it, whatsoever. I spotted it in some woman's magazine at de Boed's coffee table and came across the idea several times in food and supermarket magazines. It's the perfect autumn dish. I forbid myself to complain out loud about not getting the chance to prepare it. As it might come off ungratefull and bratty. I think I'd better be a good girl this evening and think off the money I don't have to spend while eating their food, and be thankfull for whatever they serve me. I hope they have something with an autumn feel this evening. That's all I wish for. I should talk about this with a specialist. It's a strong feeling to miss a family and my own home. Rain has become dripply now. I should pick myself up, realise that I'm at least not as pathetic and sad as Vana Events, and go on with life today.         

Good afternoon at the 24th off October, 2020.

 

Good afternoon everyone, 

´Honey, would you like to drive me to the nearest Albert Heijn? I feel a bit anxious today, my fears are heaping up and I need some ingredients for our sunday dessert. A bottle off Canei, some pineapple jam and a can off wipped cream. Dessert tomorrow will be a lemon cheesecake with a layer off pineapple jam turned into a jelly topping and a bit off whipped cream for decoration, and a stewed pear, prepared with the Canei and some spices. I got that idea from that cookbook I got from my mother. I wish to make a restaurant worthit dessert for tomorrow, but I don´t feel well today.´ ´It´s allright, I´ll get us to the Albert Heijn´s.´ ´Thank you.´ 

- I´m afraid that´s not how chances are for me today. I have the urge to make that dessert. Sweet, smelling like heaven on a plate and tasty, but I´m afraid I have no one to drive me to the supermarket when I feel semi-delusional like today, paralized by my fears. My first idea was to take a walk to the supermarket and get what I wanted, and prepare the dessert for tomorrow and serve it to fellow patients at de Boed for dessert. What else would I do with it? I have most stuff for it already on stock, it just needs a few ingredients to give it some tasty details. At this moment I´m like ´I don´t feel well today, I feel too paralized by my fears to get me anywhere today, and I feel somewhat off a fear for my fellow patients since they look at me like I´m the dessert when I serve them stuff like this.´ That got me feared the most. I have a gut feeling that tells me I should beware for them with things like this. If I had a special someone, I would not have to fear anything. I have the bad luck to live in a care home, though. I have the secret dream to get myself out off here and have my own home and a special someone to cook and bake for. 

These days, I have become weary. Weary and carefull about most off my actions since I fear the consequences to what I do. Usually I would fearlessly get after anything and just do it without resentment. (Well, most things. Nothing too dangerous, but still.) These days I feel like I could insult people with my actons and get a lot off meaningless anger over me by them. Or even worse, being assaulted because off being a young woman on my own. I already have a habbit off never getting out late at night after I had dinner with the Leviaan group. So for safety sake I stay in at night before 19.00 P.M and I feel good by that. I´m a bit off a hermit. I prefer to spend my nights safe at home. I never got where the insults come from that I´m a whore or a slut and that I sleep around with several men at night. (It comes from people who wish to tar me down and should not be taken serious in any matter.) I barely see anyone in the evening. Some people are just terrible with their gossip. Anyway, I stay at home and spend my nights there. Safe and sound.  

The world is not out off essential goods yet

 

Good evening everyone, 

I have made a previous blog post about something I think is fair for the world after Corona: 

Simply to put it back to a point zero, after which it can be fairly build up again without letting common folks pay too much for it, and drain it into even more crisis and despair. 

Poverty is not funny. It can lead to disasters like, people voting for a dangerous leader which they might see as a saviour to their problems, who might turn out dangerous afterwards. Like, what has happened before world war II. I hope it won't get that far with the current state off our world. But world leaders, companies and banks have to understand this point off vieuw. Though it's merely written to prevent people from becomming even more poor than they already are. 

The next subject I'd like to bring up, is that the world isn't out off essential goods which are necessairy to live. I believe people can still provide themselves basic needs if they think smart and act smart with their money. Despite this world being into a crisis, you can still make yourself a good living. What that actually means varies by case. I don't like to point my finger too much to people, but to quit smoking and drinking is a good idea at this moment so you might have more money to spend on basics which you might need more druing a crisis. I believe we can do it. All we need is a strong mindset. Sometimes that takes practice, sometimes that comes to us out off nowhere. Still I believe people can survive without panic or putting the world into actual danger. Sometimes I wish more people had a determined mindset off their own. 

To become handy and start to repair broken things instead off throwing them away when that's not necessairy, is also a good idea in a world like this. It can save you a lot, while you can still dress / live well with what you already have. Think smart and overthink if you actually need something. Don't agressively spend your money on things that aren't truly needed and save yourself some money for the situation after this crisis. You might need it. 

These trics are some things taken out off my life before corona. I had barely any money when I was a teen / young adult but still I prevent myself from hitting rock bottom by acting smart with what I have. Somehow I grow a bit tired off being poor. I had a short time where I could spend just a little more, but I'm afraid I have to re-use things from that period nowadays. Still, if you think and act smart when you barely have money, you can perfectly live without having to panic. Fear and panic are the last things we need nowadays. People need to keep their head cool and their mind focused, as that is what is going to help. 

Alright, that's about it for this evening. Thank you for reading.  

A mundial reset for the world and it's economics after Corona is done.

 

Good evening at the 17th off October, 2020.

 

Good evening everyone, 

It's stone cold and gloomy weather in the Netherlands. Corona infections are increasing nation wide and most governmental steps to decrease the virus are more strict, most things are closed. 

I decided to start living more from out my emotions, but I mention if I turn to my real emotions, most off the time I feel sad and depressed. It's not much off a cheerfull mindset to start to actually feel instead off acting purely rational most off the time. Emotional reactions seem to be more like how other people react in my case, (Sometimes I feel a bit alienated from others due to reactions and mindsets I don't seem to get, or them reacting on an emotional level which I usually see as biggot and a bit cowardish often. I'm mentally on a diffrent level than most.) but as irrational as emotions are, they aren't nice and easy to live with. Being rational causes emotions but it makes me feel less depressed somehow. Though even care takers tell me it's a good thing to live from out your emotions more and not always put on a brave face. I felt I was on a level where it almost broke me. But being emotion driven isn't everything either. 

Something is wrong with me this month, I'm falling backwards into mental distress and delusions. Talking with care takers about the matter helps me to clear things up and help me see what I'm actually going through. It isn't fun. There have been several stressfull events these months in my life. I seem to have a dangerous criminal with a record and several news assignments in my appartment's gallery. I feel on my nerves already, but this month he got arrested by several police cars. I wasn't at home during that event, but I heard from another neighbour what happened when I got home. 

A friend off mine is about to die. She has been treated for cancer but it didn't help. She is given up by doctors and she will die because off it. We don't know when that will take place, but it makes me feel sad. Life isn't fair sometimes. I feel so much sorry for what is going to happen to her. She was one off the few people who was actually there for me and my family in real life when things in our lives got bad. She's in her early fourties and she has twin sons in their teens. She has a wheelchair and she can't walk. I have had her over for dinner a few times. I feel it's so unfair for some people to go through things like this. It makes me so incredibly upset with life. 

I don't know how it happend, but I distant myself from my neighbours now my mental problems seem to get worse. Probably because I think off them as a bit narrow minded and negative minded most off the time. All they seem to do is complain about life and about others. They stick up their nose for fellow patients and somehow it feels wrong to be on their side in that. I know I can come off quite normal when I'm around them, but nowadays I can't seem to pick up the strength to come off strong. Or keep standing tall in my delusions so I choose to distant myself. I think I would have been disastrously isolated from others and the world if I wouldn't live in a care home. On the other hand, it does make me isolated since I barely meet people that way. Loneliness has delusional effects on my mind. It's a bad thing which I'm not able to cure for myself. I feel so sad this month. 

I still go to de Boed, I focus on making delicious and wholesome foods for group dinner. It's my attempt to help them to make it through the Corona Crisis. By making them eat tasty. I put my entire heart in the dishes I prepare. I can't seem to come up with anything else but to cook or bake these days for my hobby. Nothing seems interesting anymore. Life is so shallow and gloomy without a drive. Something to live for, a goal, something to safe my mortal soul. I don't have anything like that. It's so cold outside, it's cold in my home and I don't know if I'm going to make it through my own peronal crisises. 

To be honest, I don't really care about events not happening, or restaurants being closed, or shopping streets being restricted. As long as I can put food on the table that doesn't matter that much to me. I didn't go out that much before this crisis and I bet I can do without after it's done. People shouldn't be so prissy and selfish when it comes to following Corona rules. The more they put their shoulders under this crisis, the earlier we might get out off the whole thing and then it's over for good. I wish people would act more smart and compassionate about it. You'd almost wish upon them to get Corona so they would know what it actually is for that they have to follow those rules. That would be good for them. Most off the time I'm not resentfull like this but I feel it would be fair this time. The world isn't in a crisis over nothing. 

I wish there would be a smart way to get out off mental health care and build up a real life before it's too late and I have grown too old to make something out off life. I feel stuck. I wish I had other people to talk with, people who get me and who don't make me feel like I'm on a diffrent mental level than they are. It's a bit hard being miss understood and it's a bit lonesome. I wish I had real friends. That would help me out.