Good afternoon everyone,
Today it's cold, cloudy and rainy. It's grey outside. It's a gloomy autumn day in the Netherlands.
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What else is there to say than life's a bit depressing at this moment? The weather is grey, the crisis hits us hard and I decided to change to simple clothes and embrace just being clean for the crisis' sake. I try to wear not too expensive clothes/ clothes wich look simple and affordable. They're comfy and warm, and I'm certain Buddha would appreciate off me looking simple when it comes to my looks. Like said, these are not the days to stick out the eye off other people wearing expensive stuff. I can still afford nice clothes, but I decided to stick with clean, warm & simple for the crisis' sake.
I personally think staying clean despite it all is still important. So I keep on being washed but there are people probably even doing hard with that due to this murderous crisis.
I try to keep on doing small fun things to keep my head up during this crisis- like sending fun postcards, pampering myself a little with a charcoal-sugar facemask every so often, baking nice stuff and watching movies on Netflix when I can set myself to watch. Usually I would paint my nails to feel better, but I think it's inappropriate to look too pricey these months- so I don't do that these weeks. Nailpolish is for when people can afford things again. Buddha would be proud off me. I've shown my social circles my new 'crisis' look with a photo on facebook. As a grown up woman, you'd better show a picture off your naked ass in public than a picture off yourself thát ungroomed, but my personal crisis and the economic crisis make me feel I have nothing to be ashamed off these months. It's just that it's not my usuall clothes. I think I can firmly say I can be proud off myself for taking attemps in not looking spoiled. Though I still think my look is middle instead off low. I'm still wearing new clothes after all.
All off this is depressing. The crisis, the war, the weather, everything being expensive, the house being cold at night, people in the streets looking poor and on their last leggs, all the children for who I feel bad for growing up in a world like this (I'm sorry to say) and they keep coming. People keep on making babies like it's nothing nowadays. I don't feel good about that, but mankind would probably get extinct if everyone would think like me and take mind over matters. Still I'm proud off myself for not having a hungry mouth to feed. I get by and I can fend for myself these days, despite it all- but that's mainly because I depend on de Boed and it's cheap ass meals each day. Even in weekends I almost feel I'm becoming a boiled potato. Especially during weekends I'm doing hard with not having good foods. I don't mean takeout or fastfood, but something that looks like they've done their best more for it that's not so cheap. But I have no choice. On every regulair day I have a full right to complain, but during a massive crisis I shouldn't be so spoiled. Still, you see my point: The reality off the day works against my good spirits.
I'm tired a lot. Though not much happens in my small world, what happens in the world weighs heavily on my shoulders. I'm so tired from stressing over it. Stress is funest for delusions. It's not a good thing to feel it as much as I do these weeks. Still, I stress over it. I have the feeling this can take longer than what's good for me, but it won't take decades. Still we might be at the beginning off it. That's not good for me. At least not the state I'm in at the moment. The war in Ukraine can take another four to five years, including the gas crisis and the economical trouble we're in. I'm glad the government will compensate a lot for us, but it's still not easy. Maybe we get out by it somewhere around 2026. That takes years for us to get over with everything. As far as I can foresee it, the war in Ukraine will take another few years. Including the crisises that come with it. I could talk 'more positive. To keep spirits from being down.' But I should tell the truth. Despite not everyone wants to hear me. I'm so tired from all off the stress.
de Boed has a lot off tension these days. Yesterday there was almost a fight, but staff could keep it from happening. It happens a lot. People are fed up more easily and get angry at each other a lot. It's psychiatric health, that happens a lot. It's not like they are watching Disney movies all day being senile. They're mainly difficult people who get annoyed very easily. I don't always like being among them. There's a lot to say for staying in my house a lot and avoiding them if I can. They are nice to me and I have no problems with any off them, but among each other they're fighting a lot and that takes a toll off me. I'm so tired from all off this. I hate to be used to mental violence.
From very early on, I'm used to mental violence in diffrent forms. It's not good for my personal development to have to deal with it a lot. I'm a problemcase and I have been for a long time. Most people don't get this about me. I'm not violent myself, but my surrounding is. Still I can get angry. And when I am, it can be intense. I deal with a lot off things in my life. I always have. I react a bit diffrent on situations than most common people. I must be hurt that this comes out at this moment. The world is hurting me at this moment. That much is true. A lot off people don't know the real me and usually I don't show who I am for real. Nobody probably has the slightest idea about me.
Allright, that's about it for now-
Thank you for reading.
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