Good morning at the 29th off January, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's cold and cloudy outside. 

*

I'm Hekate's apprentice, She knew what to do with me, Love and motherhood godesses are a diffrent kind. I'm not like most women, I'm diffrent, I have been following a dark path and got many scars. I'm not much off a love goddess. I would call upon Venus, and it feels like I have to get to know it a bit better. It's not like it's easy with me. 

When it's Valentine's day, I rather would work in the kitchen to set my mind off off things, and make world's best creamy mustard soup, quark taarten or perfect cookies, and not feel it that much. When you work, you do not feel it so much. It's not a big deal to work a kitchen for 28 people, create magic with food or enchant the crowd at fantasy events, but to have a boyfriend? Oh, help- That's not my department. I'm stupid when it comes to that. I'm NOT easy. 

It's always been my wish to bake my love a batch off Valentine's cookies. I have been over-posting an image off home made love cookies around some time, but it never came to it. 'De liefde van de man gaat door de maag.' Like they say, Or at least the lonely hearts club at de Boed has a treat. I'm desperately stupid when it comes to seduction. Not that I'm unatractive- I have rumors on my ass that I'm too ugly for love, but let's be honest, it just never worked a certain way. Pluto in Capricorn era made me work my ass off for a certain standard off wealth. I still don't look like a Venus' follower. I barely do make-up, I'm wretched and sarcastic. Recently Hekate found a way to show me she was my protection godess, with dreams and insights. I rather believe in natural beauty, and keeping your skin healthy and your face naturally pretty. But it's not the standards. I'm a magician rather than a lover. I feel so strange sometimes when it comes to love. I'm not a talent for it. But it ain't so bad, I did not waste my life. I dedicated it to working on myself, exploring my talents and developing a set off skills that came in very handy. It's NOT wasted on self-pity, doubt and sadness. I'm just not fit as a lover. I believe in things we can controll rather than love. -MEN, forget about it,- but the world is saved!  Something along those lines. It's not too bad being a spinster, truly, I can live. I would not enlower myself for lust or love, and I don't take bad sides or standards for an answer. I respect myself enough for that. It's fun being still single as a pagan, we do what people should do instead off mocking. But yes, Hekate knows what to do with me, Venus is a diffrent story. I still don't feel completely at ease when calling upon her. I just don't know what to serve the Lonely Heartsclub this year. Last year it was Mr. Ed's potato cake. Delicious for what it was. But sugar bakings are not allowed anymore. And we don't do soup for lunch anymore. It's a bit dry this year. It's a bit baling. Something delicious to heal our lonely hearts. Most people at de Boed don't have someone in their lives. But a treat would make it less sour. This year they don't even have valentine's cookies from store with our coffee. It's just fruit they allow. It's the health and sugar policy. Maybe I should adapt to it, since baking has become expensive, as forbidden as love between a jew and a muslim at de Boed, and looked upon ungratefull. It's like Forbidden Love. It's impossible to make it happen. 

But I'm thinking about what to do that day instead off being sour. How to keep my head up without a treat. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.      

Good evening at the 28th off January, 2026.

 Good evening everyone, 

*

I will hereby confirm I will attend at the Faun concert at the Amsterdam Forest upcoming 24th off July, Yes, I will be there. At Faun. It looked too tempting, and sometimes I got voices off Niel Mitra and Oliver Sa Tyr inviting me personally there. I obeyed, so I ordered a ticket, and I will be there. I was doing the dishes at de Boed, like always, and it was as if Niel Mitra popped up to invite me personally to the concert, and then, the next day at dinner in my own home, Oliver Sa Tyr asked me to come. It started talking to me, so I purchased a ticket. Yes, I will go somewhere for the first time in such a long time. 

A question, what would you do if you got your heart broken by a captain from a ship, and you so would not know what to do with yourself afterwards? Given things have already been on since school, but by then no one was allowed to know. It's a memory from some time ago, I started talking to him on Facebook, but he rejected. While I found myself pretty brave for confessing. It's been painfull, and I'm so stupid in getting over with things. I overtalked it with mental health care staff. It worked to get rid off painfull edges. I could have picked one off my friends, that would have made me much easier, but I found that guy a bit more interesting and sexy. But I'm stupid for the way I have done it. I have been overthinking him a lot, overthinking, like, I think we got more in common than you realise, but I never had the chance to open up about who I really am. It's been a phillosophicall matter over a love matter almost, just, discussing subjects, politics, style, music, why are you not religious? And you are sooo handsome, why aren't we a thing? But that's for not being honest  about being pagan at school. Things got so complicated, but seem so impossible now. He pops up in my mind sometimes, and sometimes I think I have a 'green man.' with his image after me, seeing him in other people. It's lightly annoying but it follows me while it got shut down. Open up and talk about myself has never been possible. I got delusional about the matter, it's annoying. But that's what I do- when things go wrong, it keeps on spinning in my mind. And I'm an overthinker. I don't really know his personality, it just seems pretty lame by now. I have been hiding myself ever since forever at school, and started to open up and transform into a better person during the years afterward. I just soo wish I could tell him. But I think I might get accused of stalking when I try again. 'I'm not desperate, but you are on my mind. I think I got a soft spot for you, you are inspiring.' It's more personal and important than just a flirt. The Green Man doesn't make it easy. 

Today I got a bit air from the subject, and I started to paint tulips at participation, instead off hazes off waterpaint, trying to get to a certain point. And my tulips will be sold on cards, at de Boed's shop. I got a total hit with it. Maybe from talking about it with care staff, and a cleared mind about the past. I got a breakthrough, and miracles did happen as we speak. I'm going to be printed on postcards. My past does not hurt so much anymore. I got air, and I draw flowers. Zaandijk Beltaine. Spring in Zaandijk lends itself perfectly for Beltaine with all it's beautifull flowers. Dutch tulips, daffodils and blossoms are perfect for it. I got a small park, being in total bloom during the may month, when the sun is in Taurus and the full moon is in Scorpio, and it was inspiring for this art project, it was almost as if there was magic in the air here. If it's a set, It's name should be 'Zaandijk Beltaine.' But I think I should tame it a little bit down for the common audience. So it's better off as 'Tulips.' I felt like a little Zaandijk Benzaiten (The Japanese godess off beauty, inspiration and art.) When creating them. There was totally magic in the air when painting them. They will be printed and sold for 1 euro's each in our shop. 'Get usefull!' 'Word zinnig!' Well, today I totally was. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

How not to get desperate

 Good evening everyone, 

How not to get desperate? Life gives you lemons, love won't befall you, you might be a bit behind- What to do with yourself when it's like that? 

Get yourself moving! Up and onward, and even more over the top. Like Nigella Lawson says. It's important not to be at home all the time, but to go out and do fun stuff. Cinema's, Sports, walks, forest walks, -energy- to keep from being broken. 

I got Schizophrenia, and I'm always broken hearted from the past. But what am I to do? To die in here? Women in my position should not let themselves be held back, life is too short for that. Do fun stuff, move onward, let the music move you and be passionate. 

I'm off bad health, and I can't pass the genes. I'm unhealthy and it's difficult. But we should move onward. Wear cool outfits. Dance a Peacock Boogie and be witches, no matter where we come from. I'm a blend off genes and backgrounds, it all comes down to Dutch, sobriety and farmlands mainly, but people would heir mental diseases and a bad body from me if I would have children. I don't allow myself to have them. But do I have a soul? A soul that needs to be fed, with style, going out, Like poetry, Like magic, music, energy off the gods. I don't care if I'm a blend, I think I'm interesting the way I am. I feel like iron on an anvil, being beaten and shaped by heavy hammers off life all the time. I got my scars, doesn't make me less off a person. I'm a survivor with bad mental health, a backpack and a bad history and a negative reputation. I'm as good as a veteran. Mental health institute veteran with battle scars. But I'm not an addict, still the fellow clients sometimes adress me that way, and they loved my cooking for them. I'm 33, but they say I served dignit. If that means something, Usually I'm too innocent for that kind off mental health. Sometimes it's a suprise I did not die. I'm not death. It's a miracle I'm alive. As good as it gets. To let myself not die, I like to spice it up a bit, with style. Like 'We deserve it.' 'I deserve it.' Or 'I'm worthit.' Like L'oreal once said. I don't like L'oreal, due to animal testing, but it's totally the clue. We should be ourselves, move onward and go out! It works!

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good morning at the 21st off January, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

It's dark and cold outside. 

*

I had visions about fashion Gothic being the total It-style off the 30's. Why can't it be? Wasn't it to be found one off the prettiest styles off recently? Why can't we, Fantasy alternatives, ever be totally It? It has been like this since ages. We are totally peeved and looked down upon by the fashion industry, but some time ago the trend was totally fashion Gothic. I adored it. I would love that to come back, I'm always hiding I'm alternative to the audience, I finally could come out for it when everyone started wearing Dr. Martens in public. It was so cool. So beautifull. Even I dared to be more out in the open. There's a hole in my heart, and a stone in my stomach it's not more widely accepted. But the whole fashion loving town was taking part off it, when Versace and Chanel started to make work off it. I think I finally would have gotten away with it with my old peers at school. It always has been forbidden for me to be a public alternative by them. I don't see them anymore, but you can probably imagine. It's like I'm secretly a werewolf or so, they where not allowed to know. Nowadays I'm far more public with it, on Facebook, but we broke all contact. They're kinda short minded people. But deep inside I hope fashion Gothic made them think it a bit diffrently, or maybe they started following a fashion trend, something as simple as that. It's not a feeling or a philosophy with them. 

It's such a stone in my heart, coming to think it can never be accepted by the main crowd. I don't look alternative here, but hey, we're at a mental institute with old people with mental issues, and it's not appropriate. I look dull and boring on a daily base. I had a time where I tried to look like a Wolf Witch Warrior, and showing you're pagan can be done in many ways. I'm still pagan, still a witch. But secretly. This place is old fashioned, conservative and Christian. And it makes me look like a shabby old tramp not to get in trouble with them, there's also something against looking too expensive. To people from the past, it might seem a bit aso even to look like this. But it's my way to adapt to the surrounding. I'm always in situations where it's not appropriate to be a heathen in public. This country still has rules about that. Nowadays I do my utmost best to be off taste to old people. At leat they're nice to me. But you get it: I better don't be over the top. But it's not too bad since they have good taste in music. I love listening to their music. After breaking up with Vana Events, it did not feel too bad. But it's a stone in my heart. I'm a witch on Facebook, but not in their face, I would get in trouble with it and they would hate me for it. 

My kind off spirituality has never been publicly accepted, not as much as some time ago when it was everywhere, and it started to be a little more accepted, but sometimes this country almost do it for it, and it's stuck up again against pagans like me. I'm lucky to have my mom to discuss things with, and I read books about subjects. But still, despite the fight for equality and justice, we're still seen as obscene by the establishment. I hate it. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 13th off January, 2026.

 good morning everyone, 

Outside it's cloudy and dark, it's cold. 

*

This year, I feel like Iet Petite with presents. Small, heartfelt gifts- usually personally wrapped, often in old wrapping paper. It's less pricey than big gifts. But it's also a refined, heartfelt art. Instead off 'the biggest box on the shelve...' it's 'A small, well-picked box' or something handmade from de Boed's giftshop. We can't be too expensive anymore, and big gifts have been bingo prices. If you wrap them heartfelt, it's not such a thing they where free. I would not rob someone from expensive gifts, I just think I thought I had less budget for it last year, so we had to take it a bit creative. I believe I got away with it, my mom loved her gifts, so it hasn't been much off an issue, it's just that it's not my usuall style. I had to think it a bit more throughly. I think I did well, I had luck I saw bingo prices fit for it. (And the capability to win them, offcourse.) Maybe I feel guilty, but at least it's not as impersonal as a giftcard, though I think my brothers would not spit on a Nintendo giftcard. It's just that it has not been in my price range. To let Iet Petite go after this crisis is done, and everyone can go expensive again- would be a bit harsh, it's still heartfelt pick-me-ups. But maybe the pick-me-ups can take place on common visits, while bigger gifts can be done at birthdays. I used to be very giving, I loved giving gifts to my brothers and mother. It was always well-received. Nowadays, it's a bit less, and what's for their birthday is on the cheap side. Or so to say, as good as free. I hope they don't mind. I try to give with my heart instead off something cool and edgy. But this way, I manage to still give. 

My greeting cards are handmade by de Boed, and one euro each only. The old women have been creative with it, and it works out for me these days. It's never something bad, it's always really cozy to get a handmade card. But I used to do prints from bookstores. The only cards I have been expensive with last year, where Christmas cards. all the others came from stock or from de Boed, but I think it's not much off a concern, it's just that I hope the receivers don't mind. And grandma gets free cards, from a mouth and foot painting organisation, my mom is a member, and she gives me these cards and my post stamps for free, and I usually send them to grandma. 

We have had these cards for ages, and no one ever did something with it, untill I saw something for grandma in it nowadays. (A few years back) It doesn't cost a penny extra, and the floral prints are perfect for an old grandmother. And the annual birthday card among them is also very welcome, and I hope well-received. But yeah, I barely spend money on cards. And it's such a pick-me-up for my grandma each time. She loves it. And it's just, that this year cards where not among the parcel mom received from Removos. The perfect flower cards where not in, but mom is not witty enough to call after that. It's a bit off a pity, so I have to do with what I still got. I wish for these cards to still be send to us, so I got cards for grandma all year. It might be strange, but I just think to myself: 'What if  I was 92, and had someone doing it for me?' Grandmas love those sort off things. So it's important to keep on doing them. And without those free cards (And post stamps!) from mom, I would not be capable to send them. Just too expensive. 

This year, it's alphabet keychains for people. It's also a bit on the cheap side. Or so to say, what used to be cheap, I think nowadays it's normal for gifts. I hope people don't mind. Handmade letter keychains, and I try to make it more special by wrapping them. I hope people don't mind it's a bit frumpy. But they're old, so I don't think it's too bad in their opinion. I got a birthday greeting from a Boed card this week, to an aunt. One off those handmade old lady cards. I think I get to be known as a cheap old frump, but family is too important to not have it for. So yeah, a bit off creative thinking. And working with what I got, since shops are too distant and expensive to get by each time. Still, my family deserves their gifts. I just hope it's not looked down upon too much. Maybe by people in the outside world. I hope it's not a bad thing. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.           

Good evening at the 4th off January, 2026.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is for snowstorms in The Netherlands. 

*

Sometimes, something stares at you and you gotta have it, or elsewise you just know it will be gone. I got that with a present for my family, it was short before Christmas, and I felt Christmas wasn't the time for it, it looked more like a Spring time present, so I shove it to Mother's day. It's a hand clayed and painted serving tray with ducklings. 

It looked so cute, and I found it reasonably priced for a gift. It was so cute... and if something stares at me like this, it's for the fam. I wrapped it, and to tease mom, I send a message with it, but she doesn't read this weblog. 

I got very bad wrapping skills, but still- it's 'creatively' wrapped. The wrapping paper was just a bit old, from the storage room. But still fit for the job. I also wrapped grandma's capital G keychain 

Did I already mention I got bad wrapping skills? I just hope they like these. Hand-made and well ment by de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. Grandma's birthday is at the end off this month. For Mother's day, I'm a bit too in time, but it's in time. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good morning at the 3th off January, 2026.

 Good morning everyone, 

Wet snow is falling outside the window. It's still dark. 

*

I'm out off coffee. That shall teach me to hamster. I have been hamstering an amount a few years ago- but it was all spoiled and it ended thrown away during a time where coffee is something to win a prize for. I think it would be totally acceptable if people would do house games and one off the prices is a pack off Douwe Egberts coffee. Expensive as it is. 

It's 02.30 midnight, I can't sleep that well. I watched a movie last night, and even over something simple as Love Actually, my mind is over-acting and prickly. I barely watch movies, but it's a pitch dark winter, so I'm going to. Maybe I should get used to movies instead off acting so whimpish. It's healthy to take media in. It's unhealthy to be an austrich. But it's a bit off a challenge for a mental patient. Today is a free Saturday, so I got all the time to watch Netflix. Though I should not over-do it. But still, if I wish to stay ahead, I should watch all the classics. I have started to watch classic romantic comedies. From the era where actresses where actually a tad too perfect. I totally see why women did have such a low self-esteem in the days. But still, nothing but therapy from a romantic comedy to soothe the mind. 

But each to their own, I'm a bit mentally prickled from actually doing something aside from watching the news. Usually, if I can set myself to it at all, I watch the evening news, and otherwise the TV is out. Often it's all I can take. The news is not recommended, but I do watch, to be informed about what happens in the world, and about what they want you to know. It informs about governmental cuts and the duration off wars. So I can make a mental sketch off whether it's gonna cost and what is gonna cost. It's one reason to watch the news. Bad harvests and war make groceries more expensive. It's interesting enough to keep me watching, if I can. Usually my mind is too full to take media in. But it's important enough to tune in at times. If something doesn't want you to watch the news, you should not trust it. My intuition tells me I should watch every now and then. Like, it was on the news energy prices are increasing- it's important to know. Especially during wartime, the people should stay informed. The situation is desperate, and the news gives more off an insight. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.