Good afternoon at the 31th off January, 2019

Good afternoon,

It's about time to have my lunch, I just bought chicken pastries at the local market and the timer to the oven goes off.

-A little blog with every day talk. And about my hometown.-

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I just had my lunch

I bought these at the poultry stand at the local market, while getting myself A few fresh chicken leggs for the chicken soup I'm wishing to prepare this week.

I believe it's day three, I've had my scrumptious lunch- and to diet in this freezing cold is A bit too hard for me. I'm going to nail this, it's just that our country goes through A period off extreme cold, and that I can't withstand to eat heathier, yet fat foods- potatoes swimming in their gravy, hot chocolate, and A lunch like this. I know I could do better, but then I'd better be around in the house all the time without having to move outside.

I've swimmed A few laps today, and had to return by myself to my home, because the care-taker that usually goes with, had A Leviaan meeting. I'm glad I ate A nut and grain bar and had that cup off hot chocolate that was already screaming at me while I was at the swimming pool. Otherwise I wouldn't have made it well to home. Station Zaanse Schans has one off the best coffee and hot chocolate encounters in this country, I dare say. It also has those wonderfull big blocks off handmade Zaanse chocolate, and they have an encounter at the Zaanse Tourist centre. Really, how am I going to loose weight in A city where most women are somewhat fat, (I believe most off us are more fat than in other places in the Netherlands.) And A bit ungroomed (Which I actually like, because I relate to most people very well.) and which smells like chocolate, because this city where I live, is where Dutch processed cocoa comes from, worldwide known as the best? At times, the entire city and it's surrounding villages smell like cocoa. I love that smell. I'm perfectly accepted and they like me in this city, opposite to where I used to live. Most People from around the river Zaan 'Zaankanters.' Love the smell, while outsiders think it can be A bit heavy. Me loving the smell, means I'm perfectly naturalized and established in this wonderfull city, where people might sound direct, but where everything is at least- as honest as it's said, and I love that. We might be direct, but everyone always got perfectly accepted for who they are. And that's what it's about to me.

Foreign people (We have an entire lot off tourists here.) might get the impression that all Dutch people are rude, since this is close to Amsterdam, and it's where the idea off cloggs and green wooden houses and windmills in foreign places come from, as being our traditional heritage. But Dutch people aren't meaning to be rude- I might have said it A thousand times before, we are just blunt and very honest, but never truly mean to others. Zaankanters NEVER truly insult people. I have been in love with this city ever since 2014. It was A blessing to have ended up here among such understanding and nice people I could so- relate to, and who accepted fat, broken and 'ugly.' me, perfectly for who I was, and who actually told me I'm pretty and stylish and beautifull all the time. I love that. I have never truly felt home in Castricum and it's surrounding. I'm at my place here. 💖

Good morning, at the 30th off January, 2019

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Good morning everyone.

I'm not feeling well again,

I started A good diet, I'm currently focusing on, It's only day three so far, I'm planning on to hold on to it, for three entire months. I'm pretty obese, and I'm getting over with A period off depression and heartbreak, which has been A thing, ever since two years. I feel well again, as if I'm ready for life again.

What also helps, was that my home situation got stabilized, and that I don't have to take part in group livings anymore (I live protected, for mentally sick people.) And that I feel better every day.

But- I haven't actually met my crush these weeks that I was onto it, and I feel like today the down feelings are getting me again, my kitchen is one big mess. I'm off to the Upcycling shop for today, and see what I can do with my creativity there. I believe, don't get shocked, that I got stuck in myself after ditching heavy feelings for someone and that I'm about to continue life, but that the depression bugs have bitten me in my neck again. That's how it always goes. Sometimes, 'feelings.' Are too good to be really true, and I'm over with Vana Events completely, I don't ever wish to go there, or to be seen there again. Choices, choices I have made, and I'll probably stick to.

I'm on my couch with the last mugg off green tea for this morning. I feel like I've challenged myself with the target 'Three months on A good diet.' and truly getting rid off being so obese. But- what's there for me in summer and spring, if all my life has always been A saddening thing?

I have put an outtake off this poem in A Wickerbeast burning some times ago. The gods reply me now, I can't be angry with them. I asked the gods for A love relationship, and A real one this time. I have been praying for love, almost this entire winter long, if I felt like having A wish for myself. This time, I really wish for A man with big strong arms and hands to hold me close. (Secretly, I do want that. Like most normal women.) It's just that I've been A psychiatric patient with A diagnosis ever since being only 19 years old. -Ik baal.-  I feel lousy about it. This time, I wish for it to happen for real, and I feel like there shouldn't be consequences I can't take with the love I'm seeking for. 'This time, I wish to make it happen.' 💖 

Because, to be comforted by real love- that is all I actually yearn for. For that one hero to safe me from feeling an outlaw in life my entire life.  💗 You can understand why I felt more glad with the Vana Wickerbeast 'The beloveds.' (2015 I think?) Which seemed to have had nothing mean to do with me. It's probably the only one I made A heartfelt and true sacrifice to.

The Poem, Madonna's take on 'Bittersweet.' By the ancient persian poet Rumi:

 In my hallucination

I saw my beloved's flower garden

In my vertigo, in my dizziness

In my drunken haze

Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence

I was there in the beginning

And I was the spirit of love

Now I am sober

There is only the hangover

And the memory of love

And only the sorrow

I yearn for happiness

I ask for help

I want mercy

And my love says:

Look at me and hear me

Because I am here

Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too

I am your flower garden and your water too

I have come all this way, eager for you

Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh

To kill all your worries

To love you

To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness

I will soothe you and heal you

I will bring you roses

Love Drunk (18+ poem)

I feel like- I want sexual tension with you
I feel like- I want you between my legs- Sorry, couldn't mention this more prude. 
I wake up from my haze,
I probably got drunk by licking his face-
I yell out off getting clear again: 
'Goddamnit, take this man back!' 
In my mind, I return to A shallow wreck.
Still, I still- wish to have these love-sick feelings again. 

But when, but how, but how can I seductively- 
Get myself love-drunk by licking the stain on your face, kiss your neck and be in your grace? 
-Hold me for A million years, 
Kiss away my pain and tears... 
Get me drunk again chasing you 
I guess, I know- I have no clue 
I think I'll have to face this cold world without you 
***
Am I clear? Or just- mad again. I feel like I'm only truly clear about being in love and lustual attraction with him at the moment. 

Because- I'm A bit in love with A man I don't know.

Contains adult stuff.

And really, I have no clue where to seek. I'm not familiair with the alternative population in and surrounding the city off Leiden, but- I fell, and ever since to have orgasmd over A guy, I- feel what women, according to the myth, usuall feel after that: A crush on their subject off fantasizing. Remember that tale about A black Stork and A white Raven I posted on my YouTube this summer? I guess that could be seen as A bit off A prelude. How in the world have I never mentioned you this way? And why am I always overthinking, and over-analyzing everything? Comming to the plain conclusion and feeling infatuated- that you are mainly very attractive and so sexy? I'm not lying, I have probably more space in my mind after I've cleared things up from other people. And the human mind works- odd. I guess mine more than common people. But- I see something in him. Sub-consiousness that talks, or- am I on the way to destruction with myself again? I wish, I wish I wass A mill, 'tis there I sit and wonder myself- 'till every stone in my mind is grit to sand, and I think I- finally understand but for common readers it's probably 'way to late, morron.'- And that's it. But I fell... and I'm blattering. I always do when I'm like this. Writing A lot to over-compensate for what's on my mind? I wouldn't feel ashamed with him as my love interest, or to be with him and walk beside him. I just want him.

I believe I happen to fall deeper and deeper everytime I think off him. Don't get shocked, it's an alternative guy with black hair and A big wine stain mark on his face, who I have just been infatuated about for- quite some time. I would quit all my fights with Vana, and write them A sincere appology, just to be capable to walk hand in hand with my main crush at the moment. I doubt anyone here (In my surrounding near by where I live.) would ever know this sensual and interesting man. Good grief, what am I on to?

I've drawn the two off us togheter, in festival clothing. 'Will you come to me mother's house when the moon is shining weary...'? Official this drawing is named 'WHERE is your common sense with this?' (Underwritten: 'In my pants, sir.' comming out off my mouth, I guess that makes ME the lusty scoundrelless here-) And it was taken with my laptop's camera. It's not the best version off what it could be. I hope he's not taken, I wonder who he is, and what his name is... wonder about the story? Read up on it on my deviantart:

My handsome raven prince from Leiden and me-

I fell, I didn't know I was actually capable to even be in love anymore, with all the dopamin and serotin, paracetamol, vitamin B complexes, and 'hormones.' from Birth controll floating around my system, and I'm even menstruating. Good heavens. Where did that crush even come from out off nowhere? I believe- this is how the world works. But I'd- love to even know his name and facebook profile, to see if I have mentioned his awesome attractiveness completely right, but I wouldn't contact him, because- I'm A disaster at FB, and I would like to- get the guy this time. I'm pretty serious I guess.

Good afternoon, at the 2nd off January, 2019

Good afternoon everyone.

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As for today, I've slept awfull last night, I don't feel at full energy, so I decided to call off the Upcycling, and prepare my ritual-ending cookies, with A hint off coffee, based on the 'Javaantjes.'  receipe, and the dough is getting solid in my refridgerator at the moment, while I feel like waking up for the entire day, I guess. 😋 It's going to give me A headache to cut out all 40 to 50 cookies I'm capable to get out off this dough, according to the receipe. I did some shopping this morning for ingredients for my cookies, and I believe that's about it for getting out off my appartment for today. I'm about to cut star, moon and round-shapes out off this dough. Three shapes, easier than to decide for about 40 to 50 diffrent shapes, which is fun, but which can unfortunately be a bit too much for my concentration system at the moment. I just hope I can stick to the 'only after spiritual rituals.' rule with these, otherwise I think about preparing two boxes, one for the ending off spiritual rituals, and one with cookies to snack on, and giving A good share off them to the Upcycling. (I think that won't truly be A hard challenge, with over 40 cookies out off this dough.) I think coffee with chocolate cookies are an excellent, delicious choice for the year to 'wake up a little.' (That's the thought behind preparing cookies with A coffee-taste.) I was about to make them yesterday, at the first off january, and I believe this ritual's ending will be A good choice, but I'm not someone who does rituals all the time, though I decided to be more accurate with the solistic celebrations and full moon rituals this year. I don't believe in over-spelling faith in life. Which has happened to me, and which has caused me too much drama and missery. (I'm aware off it.) 😓

I do, believe however, in supporting the cycli off the planet, and celebrating ancient rituals during the year round, for luck, insights and A good harvest. There is A saying which goes: 'Once A witch, always A witch.' And I'm one off the few people who has awakened inherrited gifts. (Sometimes I think off getting better skilled in true magic. which excists, but I'm also aware, that I can't go out asking just any teacher if they are willing to teach me in this. There are A lot off scam teachers in magic. At times like this, I believe the world misses A school in true magic, to teach gifted, born witches and to help them develop their skills. 😉 Something like hogwarts, but then for real people, would be ideal, I think an actuall magic school, however, won't be anything like the famous school from the Harry Potter books. True magic is A burden to bear, if you can do it. If it's too hard to handle, or awakened in yourself uncontrolled, it sucks to have this gift. (And I, unfortunately, know what I'm stating here.) I'm glad, however, that witches can freely live in this nation. As it's mainly ruled by high-educated atheïsts, who think you're just talking nonsense if you tell you are 'truly gifted.' With something that mainly excists in people's minds. I think I better stop about real magic for now. To get drained too deep in this subject, is pretty dangerous (for me) either. And I'm already running low on energy- I sleep awfull these nights. 

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I feel A lot off pressure, even in making appointments with no one but myself, about living more consequent and to have better meals, I'm not easy to raise neatly, not even for myself, and the pressure off anything (Even if it's fun.) Is so nerve-wrecking... I feel guilty about to have had breakfast with about 8 oliebollen, I ate with Agave syrup and cinnamon sugar (Since I'm out off powdred sugar.) and three big mugs off fresh coffee this morning. (Oliebollen / oilballs, are some sort off A round doughnut dutch people eat at new year's eve. It's everything but healthy. They're traditionally served with powdered sugar.) Everyone always has A lot off them left after new year's eve. I bought myself A bag for the occasion, which I warmed up in the oven only today. Well, at least I'm not starved for this morning, but- The perfectionist and the nerve wrecked weirdo in me don't approve off to have had such A breakfast. You know what, I'm going to get myself A healthy lunch with A side-salad off mixed vegetables. A few boiled eggs, brown buns and fresh ham. That's not so bad. And I'll be thankfull to myself. I feel my head is bouncing and causing me headaches, it tolls and goes round and round and -hurts- all the time, from new year's eve, and visiting my mom yesterday. New year's eve was too much off A trigger this painfull year. To be honest, I would barely be supprised if I end up with a delusional episode the upcomming months, as the entire year has been awfull, stressfull and mentally nerve-wrecking. It wasn't my best year. I'm glad it's truly done, however. I decided to be A good person again for this year, 2019, last off the '10's.' decade. (Which has been quite damaging to everything in my life. The style-period was beautifull, but- everything that has happened to me, was horrendous, painfull, and has done damage to my mental systems, you wouldn't do to your worst enemie- if you are A bit off A well-thinking, sane person, however.) I believe I'd beat the system, in not paying for their set up crisis in Europe, but- It's for me about time not to let the system beat me, and get A bit back in the working-day life. For my own personal calmth. (I know it's better for me that way.)     

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chit-chatting this blog full with interesting talk is fun, and telling you all about life is either. I believe I did well, to remove my blog about imaginatoiry mister 'Nuts.' today, as having someone in your mind is not dangerous, but to state it online somewhere and people making fun off you about it, however, is. I'd be glad if I can make it alive to school this upcomming March, and get A certificate in A basic course for book-keeping. I'm aware that this may not sound like A lot, but I- believe I have A bit more to keep on to, than if I wouldn't do it.

I'm about to make A belated lunch. 

I hope to see you all back soon. 

XXX.- 

Maaike.  

Good afternoon at the 1st off January, 2019

Good afternoon everyone. Happy new Year.

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At times, I feel like deleting my entire blog at once, and then to re-start the thing, after I feel like writing again. I'm at my mother's home, to congrats my family with the new year, as that is A little tradition in this country, at least with my family. I don't know if it's something everywhere. 

I didn't have the best off A new year's eve yesterday, first I felt like making mini-pizza-bites, and stuffed apples with cake and A crumble topping as I've seen on Tasty, I had done all the grocery shopping, but looking back on it, my energy drained and I didn't feel like making those yesterday at all, I just had A jar off banana-caramel ice-cream, with caramel sauce and some ice cream waffles for A snack, after my sober meal. I was all by myself, and it just didn't feel- allright with me. I believe the fire works even triggered me somewhat. I rather felt like snoozing on my bed A bit after taking my meds, I had set my alarm for 23:00 yesterday, but I could barely stay awake, so I decided to go as soon back to bed as the fireworks where done. (I have no clue why I couldn't set myself to just giving myself A good time and just celebrate new years eve. I guess it was because I didn't like being all alone that evening.) I got up in time this morning, and decided to go to mom's after taking my morning medication, and getting myself dressed. I had such A haze the previous weeks- in immense desire for A boyfriend. But I think staying single is A better option, given the mental episodes I aolso had yesterday evening. New year's eve was A nasty trigger yesterday. I have voices and projections off nice men comming out off my appartment walls all the time now. I desire to have someone, but I also see how my delusions and my disease can get in the way off A relationship. - You know, I guess I actually DO need someone in my life. It's just that I don't often meet great man for that. It was nothing sexual this time, it was purely- the loss and the triggers that come for me with being on my own for too long. I need company, it's just that- life is not fair if you are truly fair. And that's where I stick with this for now. 

I can make the planned bites any evening I wish to have them. cake- stuffed caramel apples are often A good dessert. I'm also about to make cookies for this new year's spiritual ritual endings, and I do so on my own intuïtion, with my own idea off what's fine with that. I had the idea to make cookies today, at the 1st off january, at the pinch point beginning off the new year, but then realized this day would be better spent with family. The cookies I'm about to make come from A cookbook I ordered previous week 'de koekjesbijbel.' And are traditionally named 'Javaantjes.' ('Javanese.') And have A coffee taste with them, I decided to give it my own little twist with the receipe, and cover the bottom off each cookie with chocolate. Many receipes from that book serve at least 40 cookies. It's A well known line off receipe cookbooks ( Translated that book is called 'The cookies-bible.') With A ton off cookie receipes. I like it. If my camera's battery-recharger keeps on being lost, I'm about to buy A new one, if it doesn't show up in my appartment, it's been lost for about A month by now, and I think that sucks because I love to share what I make with people online, and for the great audience on my internet pages to see. Alltough I don't like the idea to be plucked off my ideas by some nasty vultures. I'm about to fight that out later on. But let's start the first blog off this new year A bit more- relaxed. 

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Did you know that the planet Uranus has switched positions, from the starsign Aries to the Taurus starsign this year, and that this often means new ideas, new political changes, and often has an impact on our society? I sense it might be A good thing. For me personal, I get the feeling 'sense.' To truly improve my lifestyle, to eat more healthy foods, to experiment more with healthy receipes, to eat more regulated, and start more off A structurated life. I think this is going to help me with the very basics off A responsible, good life- like eating well, sleeping well, and get better groomed- Tauruses are the main starsign which rules these kind off things, and it loves structurated life. which I seem to lack, despite my wish to do my utmost best in life all the time. (But which i'm often not really capable to.)  

 The last 'Uranus in Taurus.' Transit, was in the deep black period off WWII, but I 'sense' the Bull is very ashamed off that period, and wishes to make A better point off itself. Taurus people often aren't very war- and truly agression driven. It rather wishes to make improvements on the good stuff in life for now, and I have the idea that people should give it A fair chance to do so. It has my support to prove itself well now, and for example improve agriculture and financial basics in life. (I'd be glad if my prediction for it would be accurate for once. But what I state here, is what basic astrology tells about this planet's transition in this starsign and what belongs to it. I'm not sucking it out off my thumb.)

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Allright, this is it for now, hopefully I'll see you back soon. 

XXX.-

Maaike.