In a land before time / The downfall off the good spirits.

Back in the days, Fantasy Events weren't as superficial as most are nowadays. 

Women where empowering respected, men got confident because they got their confident from other sources than macho stuff and it didn't matter you where fat, or diffrent looking. 

It was an era where I fell for the thing. Slut shaming wasn't part off it at all. Something evil has become off it and somehow I knew on forehand it would go wrong. I don't know for what other reason I have put up such a big mouth on their forum about 9 years ago, when everything still seemed safe and sound. 

The community is not very much open for discussion and you're either in or out. Before I decided to fight, I was in. I believe it went wrong with something in Vana's behaviour which couldn't be talked about and which made me angry and confused for many, many years. I wasted my time on it. I have to be honest with that. 

Nowadays, it's all about sluts, and how you look matters more than how you act. Jealousy, gossip, teen behaviour among adult people and still- Vana being as dumb as a brick when you wish to speak up and talk about it. I feel bad with the current crowd at events. They are 'not my type off people.' And I'm glad I relieved myself. I don't have to get myself stuck on a sinking ship. Or something pretentive and fake. Or something that's disrespectful towards more 'real women.' I believe nothing can be done about it since it's not open for discussion and everyone still spits on me. I'm not giving in to anything, though. I feel hurt. But I wouldn't sell myself for the sake off a good spirit if the good spirit has been gone years ahead and I don't believe it was my fault. They just kept on blaming me for a lot they could have taken on more professional and mature. I'm glad I relieved myself. It's not what it was, It's not something to believe in or drawn your whole life around anymore. I don't believe in mockery from downright strangers over something they have no right to judge me for. You're not informed, or knowing what it's truly about so shut your stupid mouth about it. 

The price for freedom was probably madness, and feeling so sad I couldn't overcome but I fought for my life these previous years. Compared to all off that, and what happened before and during my fight with Vana in my life, The whole fight doesn't even matter. Or it should not matter. But it hurts to be scapegoated by those morrons. they have no clue about how, why or what but still I'm the one who comes up with appologies which they couldn't even accept but dragging me even more down in mud instead. It's not a good thing. It's not something I wish to take with me in my grave. I have cut ties and I'm proud off myself. Despite it being so harsh. But step by step I'm getting over with it. I believe I deserve that. After so much hurt and pain it's almost impossible for people to imagine. 

I got often blamed for over-acting, but I'm simply thát sensitive. I don't feel things like normal people, probably. But it hurts with no extend and you keep that for over acting while it's actually a more accurate way off descripting how I feel compared to other people. Usually I'm as moderate and grown up in my ways off acting as humanly possible. How dare you even to judge me so simply like it doesn't matter? If I would do so in return, hell would break loose. You're no better than me and you've never been. It's not attentionwhoring. It's just ocean deep hurt you probably can't even imagine.   

I hope I made these things clear. I don't care about gossip. I just hope to explain myself instead off what most people take it for: A way to make a fool out off myself and for them to laugh about. But that's not what it truly is. Don't get me started when you offend me. I believe I shouldn't put myself in chains but state what I feel instead and don't fear or hold back. That feels like it's the best thing to do.   

Afternoon tea and a bag off peeled almonds

Good afternoon at the 30th off July, 2020. 

Life just goes by. Or that is how I feel it. It's getting hot in the Netherlands, high temperatures and sunny days are in the forecast. And so is my birthday party. 

This weekend I will celebrate my 28th birthday, just for close family. I haven't planned anything too special, just a cozy day with family. Hopefully temperatures won't be sky rocketing because I can't stand too hot heath outside. I don't like that very much as you might know. I'm more a person for cool rainy days. I'm one off a few, probably. 

I feel at ease today. I decided to skip the afternoon coffee moment at de Boed, and have my own tea in a more calm surrounding. To keep myself from overheating. I have been doing grocery shopping and a too crowded place might be too much for me at the moment. 

Aside from birthday supplies, I got myself two bags off fresh almonds and I like eating them. 

I have been put on medication against my gut problems. It doesn't hurt as much as the previous week. My gut and inner organs hurt a lot these days and it's due to psychic medication as that is part off a side effect. So I'm put on medication to fight the side effects off other medication. As far as that goes: It works. It hurts a whole lot less than usuall. I have a few hours left untill dinner time. I feel glad I have some time for myself as I have been very buisy these weeks. Life goes by just like that and I try to do  my best in life like most off the time. 

I wish I could go on a vacation but due to Corona, that's not possible this year. Somewhere near the coast would be perfect. In a beach hotel but not in one off the places where I used to live or come around in my youth, as I would like to stay a bit anonymous when I enter a location for a holiday. (I have been raised in a village near the coast.) I like to stay unknown when I'm out doing my business. 

I heard almonds are good for your health, especially for fat women but I forgot why. Just like whole grain products being good for fat women. That's because it helps you to take in insulin from foods you eat instead off making it piling up so it becomes diabetes. It's probably one off the reasons why I don't have that despite being fat: I eat wholegrain products and dark brown bread for breakfast. 

To have tea in the afternoon is a better idea than before bed time. I have found out it might be one off the causes off my sleeping problems. I have difficulties falling asleep at night. As it contains theine and caffeine which keep you up at night. Still it's one off the best things you can drink. It's perfectly healthy for most. As it improves kidney and liver conditions (As one off it's benefits) and that can't be a bad thing. 

I have had chocolate just before eating those almonds. I haven't had it in a long time, I should keep that intake incredibly moderate, but usually I snack on fresh fruits or crackers with sandwich meat if I feel the urge to snack. To keep your health in mind is a good thing. It's just that I still don't look like someone who minds her foods, as I'm still very fat. 5 kilograms is on a scale off 180- still only 5 killograms. I like to keep up the good work, though. 

Allright, that's about it for now. 

Thank you for reading this. 

I hoped you enjoyed reading this.      

  

Good evening at the 15th off July 2020.

Good evening everyone,

A blog on positive things.

Things that went well today and this week:

- I had lost my house keys, but they returned. Me and the care taker who had to bring me my morning medicine went searching everywhere. By the end off the day they returned, it turned out another care taker who only works here occassionally had taken them home. Such things happen when you live in a care home. Just like random people pulling out power plugs out off your wall randomly, out off nowhere. That happened once, and luckily I saw some humor in it. Not being aware off the purpose off all powerplugs in your house is only something that can happen in a house system like this. I'm glad the keys got finally returned.


- The wednesday soup was just as perfect as usually. I'm a volunteer in the kitchen in de Boed to prepare fresh soups every wednesday for their lunch. This was the third time I have been doing that. I made Italian Minestronne soup today. (Because I'm a witch who believes in fresh vegetables and fresh herbs.) It wasn't vegetarian since I used beef broth and little meatballs for this soup. Still I believe I have fed most people perfectly. There where no complaints over it, people enjoyed their soup.

I made two large pots off fresh vegetable soup. They still have some soup left for tomorrow. I like to cook quite large amounts when I cook food, to make sure there is always a good amount off it. I'm lucky other people love to eat what I make, so I don't have to eat all off it all by myself anymore.



-  Green tea with biological lemon, a new CD with Celtic classics on it, Tiredness that has faded because off more sunlight during summer, that's mainly the feeling for this moment. Green tea and good music. I suppose this is what's good about this day or this moment. Tomorrow will be for work. I spoiled them with self-made cake yesterday, off which is still left in the work-fridge. It's something to look forward for when we have our half past two coffee break. It's my famous quark based dried fruits cake. (A cake made based on quark instead off butter, simply to be low in calories. And stuffed with dried prunes and white raisins. Made from a  baking mix from a Dutch brand named Koopmans,  It's appreciated and I have made it a few times before.)

(An archive picture off one off the first versions. I think it's best not to picture it over and over again since I make this a lot, just like zuchinni soup. My archive would just be too filled with these two favourite receipes off mine. No matter how good they always are.)  So that's a good thing, too, but it's something for this entire week.

 - I have learned a beginning young care taker at the Upcycling how to make good coffee with the coffee machine they have. She's only 20, and in my opinion you can't start early enough with brewing perfect coffee. I hope she remembers what I've learned her.

-  The weather not being too hot. I react awfull on hot summer weather. I'm the opposite to a witch who melts in rain, I can't stand heat. Rain, on the opposite, is perfectly fine with me. I even like rainy weather. Life inside a home has something cozy when it's rainy. Most off the time I don't mind walking through rain, where most people scare back from it. It's just rain and it's cooling and soothing and good for nature. Maybe I take too little care off my hair and make-up to react like a normal person on rain. Celtic music sounds best on rainy days in my opinion. Tea and coffee taste best during such days. Streets are less crowded. So, all thumbs up for rainy days.

-  My shower products (I treated myself to some items from the RITUALS laughing Buddha line. It's all cold outside, but these products warm me up somehow. It's better to share things that don't cost a lot off money, though this is something worthit to share.) Hot showers with good smelling products are heaven during rainy cold summers like this. Sometimes you have to search for warmth inside.

Allright, that's about it for this blog.

I hope you enjoyed reading this.   



 

Good evening at the 6th off July, 2020.

Good evening everyone,


It´s been rainy in the Netherlands these days. rainy, windy, gloomy, you´d think we´re living in autumn instead off in the middle off summer.

Despite it being cranky weather, I feel allright, alltough, I do my best to keep on feeling right and the secret is: To feel usefull in life and lend a helping hand to others. To feel somewhat responsible for people and cook food every often and help serving coffee and make myself off use at de Boed and at my job means a lot to me. I decided to look at it that way in my (Messy) home: Try to feel responsible and put effort in taking care off it, to make it feel more like it´s actually your home.

I mentioned I still have to get used to my current appartment. I have moved houses for about 5 times in 5 years and despite this house being nicely put togheter in decorations and furniture, I still have to get used to living here. It´s my second year living here. To start to take care off it and make it truly mine (in feeling.) has started today by getting old cardboard out to the container, and get the thrash out. I didn´t depend on the people who take care off me to make up that idea, though I had some help with it. Usually I leave it to the hands off those who take care off me what there is about to do when it comes to home making. That way, this doesn´t actually feel like it´s completely my own home. To take responsibility and do more off that myself will hopefully help.

Most off the time, I´m doing very hard taking initiative and get up and move my weight around the house. I don´t know where that comes from. I can´t explain, but it feels like a massive block I can´t put aside. I can do a lot, but when it comes to that, it´s impossible to get over with that (It feels like a pressure) and set myself to it by myself. I can´t explain why. Though I love to have my house clean.

It´s been scientificly proven people like me don´t do well when it comes to keeping their household all neatly done. I´m sorry folks, I´m not tidy when it comes to house cleaning and I do need help when it comes to that, otherwise this would be a pig house. And I hate being compared to pigs.

So to say, I´m going to try to make little changes to that. To feel responsible for what happens in your house improves how you take on to it. Small changes and steps that are possible to handle for me over big changes at once, as we all know by now -that doesn´t work for people.

I haven´t felt responsible for places in the past, but that was mainly because I had to be carefull and live by other people´s rules. I somehow hardly felt like putting effort into anything because I felt afraid, or lived by others who where in charge off everything. I don´t do well in such circumstances. I have gained a contra indication for group living, since I act impossible and am not willing to work with in such cases. I´m glad I have that, it´s best for me not to live with housemates who are stupid and hard to deal with themselves. I feel better now I have a small single person appartment in a safe surrounding. To have started a mindset which actually feels like it works for me, can improve everything and make me feel much better.

Allright, that´s about it for this weblog.

Thank you for reading.