Good afternoon at the 31st off July, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it´s stormy, grey and cloudy in the Netherlands, with every now and then a rainshower. Luckily this type off weather doesn´t get me depressive today. 

*

I feel as if I've been bitten by some kind off poisonous snake. The delusions and the over-acting feeling are the poison. It concentrates around a man. It's not love, lust, anger or hate, just delusional terror. It's not someone I know. I know there are cases from other people in psychiatry who are dangerous with this feeling behind their teeth. It's lethal, it's driving me insane, it is insanity. And I should not be allowed near this man. I don't know I was capable off that. Though I had a few psychiatric obsessions with things and people before, the maddening obsession is now one that's a bit too weird. It makes no sense. I'm lucky I'm already under supervision. I would be declared innocent if I would give this up as a reason for murder. It's that kind off delusional obsession. I'm lucky I got it under control, and I talk about it with care takers. I talk, I keep the conversation going big deal. I need their help. The poison needs to pass. It feels like poison and it's no infatuation off some sort. I would be lucky if it fades fast. But as how this seems, I seem to hold on to it to my own terror. I hope I will keep this one under control. I hope I won't get in real trouble for it. In my head I called the man Edo, the name the Japanese gave to Tokyo from 1603 to 1868. I don´t know his real name, but I think Edo is suitable for that man. 

The prices in the supermarket and on the internet have increased, on top off the monsterous increasement from last year. We´re no longer at the point where I feel like ´Baby, I got this.´ And I feel like I can even be off help to people every often, but at the point where I start to worry if I can make it myself with what I got. I had to cut baking and I have to save out on winter clothes this year. A real infatuation on a man would have been murderous. It would have required pretty clothes, new make-up and more attention to my hair. Not to speak off perfume. I don´t have the money for that circus. If I treat my issue with Edo like some psychiatric problem, I can get away with the items I still got ´on the shelves.´ instead off getting myself in the trouble off having to appear lady-like. I got make-up which doesn´t expire so easily, and pretty clothes. To be honest with you, I expect a vulgair crisis winter this year, even with a chance off snow. I have to keep my mind on the road. The country doesn´t has money. I never have been rich, a mental issue is no problem. A crush down my stomach is too much. Also for my mental nerves, which don´t take it very well with him. ´It´s nothing.´ is not appropriate, my inner alarm system is too much on guard to say ´it´s nothing.´ I feel like some sort off stressed out chicken. Outside I keep calm, but on the inside it´s panic and mental terror. I should forget and let go, but how? I know myself, and I know as long as there´s this bee angle in it, it doesn´t lay down. There´s a reason for me to be in here. 

I´m lucky despite the price increasment, I felt doing groceries with Leviaan went smooth as always. It´s the same old Monday routine under supervision at the nearest supermarket. It´s not dangerous and I got this. During this strange mental breakdown with Edo, I also decided I would never use a man for his money. I think I could wind Edo around my fingers pretty easy if I got a chance, and rob him from money and posessions. But my reasonability and my feeling off emancipation told me I´m not going to do that with any man. No matter how expensive the crisis is going to be. It made me somewhat laugh. Have I really proven myself? Would I really wind that poor old dog around my fingers ´just like that?´ I don´t appear like a princess or a supermodel. But somehow to myself it feels like proving I´m a good person. I don´t abuse men for money and wealth. No matter what people gossip and for god sake, have gossiped about me. I´m no gold digger. But that´s probably the only good that comes from this mental mess. Relationship? We´re at a point where the world has to be glad Edo doesn´t has to call the police for me. I´m likely to let it pass and try to let go, and do nothing with it. Since this is psychotic. I can hardly deal with it. It´s not funny. 

I think the country is on fire when it comes to price increasement this Christmas. I worry about the winter. It comes in handy to never have been rich and know what to do when you can hardly purchase things. Like it never has been any diffrent. I have been a poor teenager and young adult, still being capable to safe myself, and now I´m almost 31 and I can still make it. Despite it being hard. It´s just that I can´t help people so easily anymore since I have to take care off myself first for now. Next week is my birthday and I can be proud off myself being capable to serve guests MonChou cake. Home made, with canned cherries and white chocolate hearts (My own adjustment) on top, and a cookie bottom. Classic, vintage, old fashioned and in line with that 20th century trend that´s been on these days, but I love that and it´s how I love it. I love 20th century style and the classics. Somehow I hope the world will hold on to that vintage style trend also after the crisis has been gone. Otherwise I´m simply going to do it myself. Vintage chick for life if it´s up to me. 

Allright, that´s about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good morning at the 16th off July, 2023.

 Good morning everyone, 

This morning it's cloudy, windy and stormy in the Netherlands. 

*

I feel sink pissed. For my own safety and your sense off mind I'm going to drink a coffee and try if that helps. But I have a hard head in it. I feel so incredibly angry. I'm hiding that tense, since I will get in trouble when it shows to people. But I feel so angry, so mad, so agressive even. I'm leaping up against the walls and it's not even 8.00 AM in the morning here. Before someone tells me 'Maybe you haven't had coffee.' I'm going to get myself a few cups. 

But it's not a feeling from this morning, this angry and fed up feeling. My starsign at the 5th off August is descripted as an agressive one who should be set off that agression by doing sports, according to astrologist Gary Goldschneider in 'The secret language off Birthdays.' I respect Gary Goldschneider and his work in astrology, but usually I didn't feel the agression the way he describes it. But these weeks... (He also says I tend to over-eating. Which is true.) Usually I could lay it aside and think for me it didn't count. But for these days, it fully counts. I'm agressive and I have to find a way to get rid off it. I never have been a sportswoman. That just doesn't do it for me. I swim every week and I walk the streets these days, thinking off myself as a whole lot off something, since walking the streets is a free way to get excercise. And if I believe the step counter on my phone, it burns calories fast and I'm content with that. So I do moderate excercise and that's about it. But maybe I should take it a step higher and try something more intense, or walk bigger parts and really break a sweat to get rid off all that tension. But somehow I have the idea walking isn't enough. (And I'm not willing to get to a more intense way off excercising) 

Life hasn't been easy these days for me. It's been incident after incident so it seems. Things are leaping up while I try to be there for my surrounding as much as I can. I haven't been yelling or fighting at someone so far, and I would like to keep it that way. I'm a psychiatric patient who's in sight off the organisations already, so I can't use a record about agression (Actually, I'm trying to do my best each day instead off making trouble. I know they have filed that about me.) The first step in this case is probably going to talk about it. I have to tell them I've had it up to here somehow and I feel this angry. (I had a coffee, and it mildly worked. I feel a bit better, but it's not a miracle medicine against this anger.)  The Netherlands is a country off communication, rules, discussion and even more polite ways off trying to get rid off unwanted feelings, even to a point where it gets out off my nose. (And the tension and the agression starts again.) But no one wants a fight with me, I'm 6 foot tall and 180 kilo's heavy. And I believe in the reasonable way to get things done. so let's give that a try first.

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good morning at the 15th off July, 2023.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today the weather was sunny, muddy and cloudy. It's been the perfect weather to proof the Netherlands is a river swamp somehow. It's been raining a few drops here and there. 

*

I'm going through a rough period off time in my life. With a few hardships. There have been nasty things going on at de Boed, and in my personal life, a few people died. Not really close to me, but close enough to feel it. 

Sometimes I feel the crisis can be over just tomorrow, and the other day I feel we are all going to die and the world will end somehow. It's all a possibility, it's all true intuition during this war with Russia and I don't want to cause panic, or share too much details about this war in public, since that can better be kept secret at this point off the war. Still I foresee the next year will be another year off war and crisis. So keep that in mind, and try to prepare and still make the best out off it the way you probably can. 

I'm so gratefull for life and for karma, that I can live, eat, wash, and even drink alcohol free white wine without too much trouble these days. I have big luck with it. Despite the price for it is a life in psychiatric health care, in a small village in a small home. Under normal circumstances, you wouldn't envy me at all. I hope you can still see that clear, and not bewoe me for being mental but still having my own home to live during these spare times. 

I hope the normal circumstances will come back soon. I have the smell off my own thought out banana cake or a banana bread in my nose. It's too expensive to prepare one these days. I haven't made one with fresh cookie spices and nuts in a while. It's just way too much. Still I feel as if I can smell one. Maybe I miss it to make them. A girl in psychiatric health doesn't need a boyfriend, but her own thought out receipe for banana cake always saves the day. No matter how boring it seems to become. I feel like a superhero without being capable to perform an attack. The Kremlin took away that capability, and now we are without banana cake. I don't know when it will come back. I do know my food processor and cake molds seem a bit empty nowadays. Last week I prepared summer cake with sprinkles, and health care says people are short on nothing ('Ze komen hier niks te kort hoor, Maaike. Dus het is niet erg als je een keer niet bakt.') despite not being capable to bake, but still - it's nasty and it's a win for Russia. 

I have the feeling, in my life the biggest luxury is off. I'm not capable to bake expensive goods, or purchase new winter clothes or the latest cookbooks. But still- alcohol free beverages during the weekend. I can't shop for too much this year. Though my basics in life seem pretty granted. Even if the European Union takes off the gas ceiling. I'm lucky with that. Still I have to do with last year's clothes. they're still perfect for this winter and I have the feeling there's nothing wrong with re-wearing them. It can even safe out off the environment and keep me from over-spending at all. During a normal year, it would have been quite respectable. Now it's a necessity, but maybe there's also something good in it. I think I will re-wear them even the year after that, as far as I foresee 2024 is also going to be a nasty crisis year. I think the environment will be even more gratefull towards me if I can make that come true. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

  

Good evening at the 9th off July, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today the biggest heath has faded, and there is a promise off storm and thunder in the air. Some people might disagree, but I prefer even a big storm over 30 degrees celsius outside. (30 degrees celsius is a tropical day in the Netherlands.) I'm more a person for cool weather. 

*

I probably have been waiting all weekend to show you this: 

Zomercake (Translated it means Summercake.) with green, yellow and white coconut sprinkles. I wrote about it in the prevous blog. It has been a good idea, and somehow the high point off our otherwise boring sunday with a boring potatoes, meat and vegetables dish ahead. (Zaans Geluk voor gevorderden. Like I descripted it somewhere ahead.) On a plain Sunday. But I had the luck to bake them something this weekend. 

Yesterday was for being inside the house with my fan on all day. It's been a bit boring and I felt a bit brake after yesterday. But if you're big and pale skinned like me, there's often no choice but staying in all day during nasty summer heath. Mwah, I even prefer typical Dutch grey rain weather over summer heath. That said, I was born at the 5th off August, during summer heath. But not liking it probably says a lot about me. I prefer sunbathing in early spring, when the sun isn't that scorching and being in the sun still feels soft on your skin. Then I even like to sunbathe a bit on de Boed's terrace behind the building. During summer heath, I got nothing to seek for there. 

The Dutch cabinet has fallen. The prime minister broke it up and now we're without a serious parliament. That's just too bad. Especially these days when the country scorches in it's missery over crisis after crisis we're stuck into. It's a scandal, and I think everyone who votes for Rutte or his political party again, is a complete idiot. I don't like to see the extreme right win, (Which is likely to happen if someone else has to win, a lot off people head to the extreme right.) but what the VVD has done to this country this Friday, is against all limits. Especially during a big crisis. They're supposed to solve it, not making it worse. 

We're going to eat string beans, a tartar and boiled potatoes this evening. Probably with vla or ice cream (Pre packed.) for dessert. I don't even have a coffee picture from this morning to share with you. Yesterday was for a toast with alcoholfree rosé wine, since my grandma from father's side would have turned 100 years old. (I didn't picture that.) Unfortunately, she died in 2006. Still, it's been worthit a small toast, and alcoholfree would have been to her preference. She has been stating against alcohol ever since she was young. My dad didn't follow that at all, (He could handle alcohol well, though.) but alcoholfree rosé would have been to her appreciation. 

I think I could have used her prescence and advice still up to today. But I was only 13 when she died. Some people turn into their 90's (Like most grandparents do these days.) But I didn't have that luck. Her prescence is missed. I'm very much like my grandmother. Also in looks. Except that I'm a bit more unruly. 

There is going to be a storm this evening. I think the country will survive, but I hope they will clean out the streets from fallen trees in time. Storm Poly has been Wednesday, and the mess still hasn't been cleaned up from the streets. Somehow this country is getting more and more off a mess every day. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good evening at the 7th off July, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

The weather today is bright, hot summer weather. It's a clear sky with sunshine and a mild wind outside. Still due to the sun, it's not preferable to go outside for me today. 

*

I have been skipping a weekend at my family twice because I didn't have the money to travel there. You can't spend what you don't have, it's as simple as that. And I have been fullfilling a few duties these weekends. This weekend I can't attend there because it's way too hot outside. It's uneasy for me to travel a long distance and stay somewhere else this weekend. 

I have been using my mind and baked a summer cake for Sunday instead. Tomorrow it's going to be too hot to bake. So this morning, when everything was still cool, I have been setting my mind off off things and have been baking a cake from a package which said 'summer cake.' Simply to try the taste. I'm going to finish it off Sunday morning by preparing it's topping, and decorate it with some green, white and yellow coconut sprinkles from my pantry. (That's my own adjustment.) I have been preparing it a bit more professional than the instruction on the back off the package. Adjusting one egg at a time for example, instead off adjusting them all at once. It became more fluffy that way. It's a simple cake, but made with care and love. Like all my bakings. I think people at de Boed will be glad for it since our Sundays are always boring with little to do. 

I haven't been capable to bake for a while. Most ingredients are way too expensive for me during this crisis. Eggs and cream butter are through the roof, not to speak off flour. Which has increased probably most due to the war in Ukraine. So, setting my mind off by baking was something pretty rare for this period off time. I don't know if that's the reason for little blogging. Sometimes I don't know what else to share but the pride off a home made baking on this weblog. At least that's been the case previous year. This year I don't do it so often. But this Sunday I'm going to share a picture with you. 

Baking is also a way for me to release agression and tense. I'm creating something good with it that way. I hate how the crisis has made everything so expensive. 

The crisis hits hard on us. Somehow I hope most people do their best not to be selfish and share in a healthy way what they got with people who do less. 

Somehow I would like the millionairs and the rich people from Castricum and it's surrounding to share more with poor people during the crisis. I have seen cars that are almost unbelievable during a crisis at the Soomerwegh. But people from Noord-Kennemerland seem to care little to nothing about people who do less than them, always selfish and arrogant about what they got compared to the other. During a crisis, I think that's not the way to be, to be honest. They hold a celebration over the back off poor people. That's how the elite seems there. Ignorant, insanely rich, and extremely right-winged in politics. As if the world couldn't cripple more under such behaviour. I wish they would have the heart to do something instead off what I've seen. 

I hope people at home, wherever they live, still keep their heads held up high during this crisis, no matter how harsh, and lend a hand where they can to soften the suffering from their peers. Previous week we had a birthday at de Boed. The woman who had it couldn't afford two quark tarts, (She asked me to make them) so I donated the second one to her for free. I see that as decent behaviour. Her money could owe up to most ingredients, so I didn't do it for completely free. But I decided to pay the rest off the costs for two off them and still help her celebrate her birthday. It's evil how much preparing a quark tart costs these days. They used to be as cheap as the streetbricks. Perfectly affordable for those who had little money. Nowadays it's too much to prepare them every often, as much as I'd like to for de Boed. And only for serious celebrations since the crisis and the war broke out. 

After staying at home for two weeks, my money got re-filled, and if the weather works with, I can go to Castricum to visit my mom next week. It's about time, I haven't been there since Mother's day. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.