Good afternoon everyone,
Today it´s stormy, grey and cloudy in the Netherlands, with every now and then a rainshower. Luckily this type off weather doesn´t get me depressive today.
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I feel as if I've been bitten by some kind off poisonous snake. The delusions and the over-acting feeling are the poison. It concentrates around a man. It's not love, lust, anger or hate, just delusional terror. It's not someone I know. I know there are cases from other people in psychiatry who are dangerous with this feeling behind their teeth. It's lethal, it's driving me insane, it is insanity. And I should not be allowed near this man. I don't know I was capable off that. Though I had a few psychiatric obsessions with things and people before, the maddening obsession is now one that's a bit too weird. It makes no sense. I'm lucky I'm already under supervision. I would be declared innocent if I would give this up as a reason for murder. It's that kind off delusional obsession. I'm lucky I got it under control, and I talk about it with care takers. I talk, I keep the conversation going big deal. I need their help. The poison needs to pass. It feels like poison and it's no infatuation off some sort. I would be lucky if it fades fast. But as how this seems, I seem to hold on to it to my own terror. I hope I will keep this one under control. I hope I won't get in real trouble for it. In my head I called the man Edo, the name the Japanese gave to Tokyo from 1603 to 1868. I don´t know his real name, but I think Edo is suitable for that man.
The prices in the supermarket and on the internet have increased, on top off the monsterous increasement from last year. We´re no longer at the point where I feel like ´Baby, I got this.´ And I feel like I can even be off help to people every often, but at the point where I start to worry if I can make it myself with what I got. I had to cut baking and I have to save out on winter clothes this year. A real infatuation on a man would have been murderous. It would have required pretty clothes, new make-up and more attention to my hair. Not to speak off perfume. I don´t have the money for that circus. If I treat my issue with Edo like some psychiatric problem, I can get away with the items I still got ´on the shelves.´ instead off getting myself in the trouble off having to appear lady-like. I got make-up which doesn´t expire so easily, and pretty clothes. To be honest with you, I expect a vulgair crisis winter this year, even with a chance off snow. I have to keep my mind on the road. The country doesn´t has money. I never have been rich, a mental issue is no problem. A crush down my stomach is too much. Also for my mental nerves, which don´t take it very well with him. ´It´s nothing.´ is not appropriate, my inner alarm system is too much on guard to say ´it´s nothing.´ I feel like some sort off stressed out chicken. Outside I keep calm, but on the inside it´s panic and mental terror. I should forget and let go, but how? I know myself, and I know as long as there´s this bee angle in it, it doesn´t lay down. There´s a reason for me to be in here.
I´m lucky despite the price increasment, I felt doing groceries with Leviaan went smooth as always. It´s the same old Monday routine under supervision at the nearest supermarket. It´s not dangerous and I got this. During this strange mental breakdown with Edo, I also decided I would never use a man for his money. I think I could wind Edo around my fingers pretty easy if I got a chance, and rob him from money and posessions. But my reasonability and my feeling off emancipation told me I´m not going to do that with any man. No matter how expensive the crisis is going to be. It made me somewhat laugh. Have I really proven myself? Would I really wind that poor old dog around my fingers ´just like that?´ I don´t appear like a princess or a supermodel. But somehow to myself it feels like proving I´m a good person. I don´t abuse men for money and wealth. No matter what people gossip and for god sake, have gossiped about me. I´m no gold digger. But that´s probably the only good that comes from this mental mess. Relationship? We´re at a point where the world has to be glad Edo doesn´t has to call the police for me. I´m likely to let it pass and try to let go, and do nothing with it. Since this is psychotic. I can hardly deal with it. It´s not funny.
I think the country is on fire when it comes to price increasement this Christmas. I worry about the winter. It comes in handy to never have been rich and know what to do when you can hardly purchase things. Like it never has been any diffrent. I have been a poor teenager and young adult, still being capable to safe myself, and now I´m almost 31 and I can still make it. Despite it being hard. It´s just that I can´t help people so easily anymore since I have to take care off myself first for now. Next week is my birthday and I can be proud off myself being capable to serve guests MonChou cake. Home made, with canned cherries and white chocolate hearts (My own adjustment) on top, and a cookie bottom. Classic, vintage, old fashioned and in line with that 20th century trend that´s been on these days, but I love that and it´s how I love it. I love 20th century style and the classics. Somehow I hope the world will hold on to that vintage style trend also after the crisis has been gone. Otherwise I´m simply going to do it myself. Vintage chick for life if it´s up to me.
Allright, that´s about it for now-
Thank you for reading.
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