Good afternoon at the 25th off June, 2023.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it´s tropical heath outside, and for a big, pale skinned girl like me, it´s best to stay in behind my van all the time. It´s not preferable to go outside today. 

*

I think it's too hot for coffee today, so I'm going to opt for an alcohol free radler during afternoon coffee time. I'm a bit low on money after spending it online on ordering shower items like shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste, and a laundry softner multipack to fill my stock. But what's needed is needed. It's good to have it when you need it, especially when you live far off, and prices in shops are abnormally high on everything. Massive discount is massive discount, and it's needed. It's handy when they deliver it so I don't have to drag myself into an accident while hoarding all those heavy packages from a shop. It's good internet shopping excists. And I'm going to donate a package off each product to the give away closet down the hall. 

But now the bad news: I have to take it a bit sober this week, I have to ask my accountant for extra money, and a visit to my family is delayed because I need money to travel there and now I have to request it first. So I decided to go a week later. At least it's not Christmas, so it's not a bad thing to visit my fam a week later. (It's Christmas within half a year from now.) 

That said, I don't feel like a Christmas baking, but I feel for an Autumn baking. Something spicy, something with apples, something with cinnamon- A cinnamon bun or a spicy latte cinnamon bun or something. you name it, but it's not even July and it's an offend for Summer to start on Autumn bakings already. It's an offend for my wallet to re-start baking anyway. So it's not an option to begin with. I sound like a maffo when I start about baking. That's too much for me this year. And for many, many others. A special cinnamon bun with a cappuccino from a coffee spot is probably already too much for them. 

I also hate on the war in Ukraine for all the people (Like me) who can't afford to wear fashion and purchase new clothes next season. I already work with what I've got. Cheap clothes, and clothes that already have been in my closet for a while. But I suspect fashion to change soon, and I believe I have no money to follow the trends if I have to wear what I already got. But like me, probably many others. I have a closet full off clothes, it's no life threathening issue. But Autumn promises to become a bit spare. No bakings and no fashion. I could draw back to what I've got and see if I can make some good fall outfits with it. Usually I make a laugh about it when something I wear is loud, cheap and out off fashion. (At least I picked fun colours for my shirts.) And point at myself as a clown. (Or I feel funny and a laugh. I haven't told anyone about that feeling yet.) I wear bright t-shirts and cheap footwear. 

The last months off Pluto in Capricorn are going to be terrible for our wallets. I also told myself not to purchase Christmas decorations and presents, Unlike last year- which was just over-spending on Christmas. But I suspect the world and the Netherlands to be on fire when it comes to prices during Christmas. Even more expensive, even more unequality, even more poverty. Despite the Dutch Central Bank to have asked the companies and the shops to keep it modest with price enhighering. But somehow something tells me they are not going to listen, and the ordinairy citizen will befall victim to it again. Especially during Christmas. I think we should be prepared, and use every trick out off the crisis book to save ourselves, be sober and survive. So, re-use what you still got, no presents, re-wear what you still got, don't go for luxury like Christmas shower gel and make-up, and so on. It's hard, it's almost impossible, but it has to be done. And remember- that red lipstick you still got on the shelves, will make you pretty this christmas just as good as a new one. Red lipstick is a must these days. I have purchased one, simply because I wanted to follow that trend, but it's not for every day. 

For me personally, it's more important that my body is clean. Clean and fresh is more important than dolled up. What a woman has to do to be pretty you say? Really, my ass. I never cared much about it, and now it's even less important. I'm not attained to a man, so I don't feel obliged to look picture perfect. When I was depressed, I could not bring it up even for my mom. Or for my 2019 crush. I felt like 'I'll let it pass.' Despite the feeling. It's probably like that with fashion trends this year and probably next year. I'm going to let them pass. I feel capable to groom the basics, and look clean. But that's all that I want for now. And I find joy in loud colours. They're fun to wear. Orange is in fashion, and I own an orange cheap shirt, for example. Because it's 'The summer colour.' for 2023, people forgive you for your shirt being cheap. I also own orange nailpolish. So I'm good with it.     

I'm low on money this week. I probably better be glad it's not Christmas. I'm already setting money aside for Christmas poststamps, and Christmas cards. Simply because that matters to me this year when it comes to Christmas. All the other things for that celebration- are not important for me since I celebrate it at mom's and I already own an outfit. What matters for now, is to survive summer. It's not my favourite period off the year. It's way too hot for me outside. I even do better in old fashioned Dutch grey rain weather. But this is too hot for my pale skin. So today has been for internet bargain hunting, and a can off radler beer. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 24th off June, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny. Tomorow they forecasted even higher temperatures, which is not to my liking. I hate tropical heath. I´m more a person for cooler temperatures. 

*

I don't feel like it. 

We're stuck in a crisis with prices enhighering, for food, clothes, services, everything. It's an art to behave well- thought out and sober. And I used to manage that quite well. Untill somehow my depression faded off and I decided I wanted to Live. I wish to go out to lunchrooms, and go shoping, and do fun things. I decided to save out on clothes and not wear make-up, since in my depressive period I thought I barely cared about them anymore. I started to care again, but I decided to keep it moderate and just deal with what I've got. I have never been a Barbiedoll or into big fashion, so it's not much off a thing for me. I can handle it. 

But not going anywhere and having to spend a lot off time at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk? That's too much for me. I don't like hanging around there anymore. Since fellow clients are disrupting the spirits that hang there. It's always negative, they fight each other, they are hatefull all the time, break out in agression or are just hard to deal with. It's not to my liking anymore, and I'm not there for my peace anymore. So I decided I need to escape every often to keep my piece off sanity and not get into their business too much, hard as they are at the moment. But that requires money. It requires big bucks to live at the moment, so I need to think a bit better before spending. I hate my fellow clients at the moment. I can't stand being around them and it's impossible to overcome. Not because they hate on me, but because they are too much in their mental needs and mental diseases at the moment. 'They can't help it.' 'You should try to get over with it.' And so on, and care takers tell me that all the time. But too much is too much, somewhere up to here. So I have to puzzle ways to have lunch at other places without having to cross them. I won't share too much details about it, except that it drains me. 

Another jigsaw: Puzzling how to deal with not being depressive anymore, and truly taking action to look and feel good (Finally) and enhighered prices everywhere. I got up to the point where I started to pluck and shave the basics again. I feel like I'm a young woman again, instead off the man some people even used to adress me. (Some assumed I was a fat man with long hair) But now it's hopefully obvious again I'm a woman. I'm glad I invested in care products before, so I can use them. I'm gratefull to be capable to use a facial scrub and a face mask yesterday, and pamper myself for the first time since - A long time.-  After feeling so bad. 

I also felt bad about myself. I felt my face was ugly and I couldn't set myself to basic grooming anymore. Up to a point where I really had to make appointments with care staff about bathing. Simply because I believed 'It had no use.' for me anymore. 

My hair is still long, but it's cut by the hairdresser and I decided to dye it a modern nude tone. So it's cool and fresh and modern. It has no dead ends when it's cut, it's fresh on the front and it's a cool blonde shade. I'm so proud off myself I groom again. Since I believe in being fresh and groomed. It's the best thing in my eyes to have a fresh body and feel comfy and clean in your skin. Despite the lack off make-up or fashionable items. But it's been something from only recent. And  'then.' I felt like making it right again and do something about it. I don't know if I can keep up with it. Or if the depression will come back. 

But you get it: Trying to be as pretty as possible again, requires money. I'm good when it comes to face masks and scrubs, and all those shower products in the stock cabin. But it has no endless life. Maybe I should see for now how it works out, and then re-valuate in quite some time. It's good to be a girl, and it's good not to be out off razors and shampoo these days. If I take it step by step, I think I'm going to be good for a long time with it. (And as long as I don't wish to go too fancy, and keep my stock off items in order.) 

Depressive girl starts to take care off herself, that's the recap off this weblog, and now it would be even better if prices would enlower again to support her in that mission. That's mainly it. 

Somehow I believe in not going overboard during a crisis with my looks. As long as it's clean, it's good enough. As long as the basics are in order, it's fine. And what else can we wish for than being clean during a crisis? We shouldn't take it too harsh and be too hard on ourselves in this. People can say a lot about me, but at least not that I'm not clean or fresh. Compared to a year ago it's better. I used to go out in a skirt without shaving my legs, or dying my hair. But this year I'm a girl again. I feel like a woman and I feel so much better.  This version off myself, this is how I like it. 

Allright, that's about it, 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 10th off June, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was incredibly hot, and I have been hiding in my home most off the time. I only have been out to de Boed for coffee or meals. Other than that, I have been in all the time.

*

I have been trying incense for mid-summer. I ordered a few new packages, and tried them on my altair sending wishes and prayers in the air. And I'm burning a yellow candle for peace in Ukraine. It's going to be bad, also for the economy. 

I foresee growth marks off -1,7 % and -1,4 % for next year for the quarter off years if the war and the crisis continues. This counts for the Netherlands. The crisis, at that point, has become lethally dangerous for most. It's going to be awfull. Most people will be poor or close to poor. And I wonder what will happen to our food if people have no money to eat anymore. It will be bad 

Bad times are part off this earth. They have always been there. More floaty types will predict you all sunshine and roses if you don't watch out. But it's the truth off the day troublesome times and war and death are part off this world aswell. I count myself a realist, not a pessimist. Like some people used to say: 'This world is bad? No, dear, this world is deeply rotten.' And that's the truth off the day nowadays. I can't go more soft on it if I wish to keep this prediction realistic. I have low faith in mankind to be honest. I believe in doing good for ourselves and our own karma points. But most people don't seem to do so. I do good because I believe in that. I try to do good to the people in my surrounding. 

But I'm not a prissy. I can handle a lot, but I'm not to be messed with. We will see a shrink in the economy next year, even up to a point where the year mark will be a minus. I don't know what it will do to us in the long term. It's already bad as it is. And badly as it is, I don't have any solution for you. I don't know how to solve the war and the crisis if Russia doesn't give in, or if this is some sick Iluminati game or not, like there are rumors about out there. I just don't know what to do. I know I should warn you. 

It's good to prepare yourselves somehow. Be sure to have products on stock and a closet filled with clothes you can re-wear for a long time. Prepare for a period where most people will do less, economically seen. AND, last advice: Don't be ungratefull for what people do give you, if you are used that they gave more some time ago. (For an occasion, or a holiday present, for example.) Or when the food you have to eat is less than what you are used to. Don't be lame on the person who prepared it for you when you go to them for a dinner. Don't mock about it, since that can be painfull. Be prepared to live in a world where we already do live with what we have 'on the shelves.' instead off buying something new all the time. It's a deep necessity. We simply can't spend more money on things than we do have. 

I have a bit off a hay fever this weekend. A runny nose, sneezing all the time, runny eyes, and a little enhighering off temperature. Aside to being hot, this weekend also has code red for pollen. I have just a little hay fever, but all off these pollen are enough to make me grab my box off tissues and just sick it out. There's nothing that can be done about it this weekend. The best thing that can happen for me for now is rain. But they predicted a whole week off high temperatures. I feel sick from it. 

I decided to shut down the central heathing for summer. It's getting hot, there's no need to warm the home for this period. It saves money and gas, hopefully. 

Pluto will be in Capricorn again tomorrow, and it's a good idea to be sober. The first Aquarius period has been fun for me. I have been doing very well, and I have been going out to fun things and had fun despite the crisis. I feel less chained to medication and health borders this period, but it's about to end and we have to be carefull once more. Still, I can say I enjoyed spring. I hope Aquarius will be this good to me it's entire period with Pluto for the next 20 years, after we took this last step with Capricorn. I just hope Aquarius will also come up with an idea to end the crisis and the war, and we can live up to our full potential again. But like I said: We will have a crisis the next period. I know it's going to take some time. People, it's going to be hard, but take care. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 9th off June, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was bright and sunny, and there is a hot and sunny weekend ahead to us. With my pale skin and my obesity, I´m not looking forward to it. 

*

This evening I'm baling a bit. My budget is at a point where I can't afford to donate, give or bake for other people anymore. Without getting in trouble myself. I have to safe it up, and then be sober and see if I can make it through. It's not to my liking. The crisis takes away a lot from me this way. No more spontaneous gifts, no new cookbooks anymore, sober with clothes, no baking, no baking supplies, no laundry wash or softner for the give away shop, just saving it up so I can safe my own ass this time. Those extra's that made life fun for me are gone. I have been capable to have lunch out at lunchrooms and restaurants a few times, and shop small items. But those big fun things like new cookbooks or luxurious Sunday bakings? Not for me anymore. And baking on it's own has become theft off my own wallet. Not doable anymore. Just too bad.  

I like to be an every day superhero. But not being capable to donate, it's harder for me to perform that act. 

I still make soup every wednesday but that's on de Boed's costs. It's probably the only superhero act off kindness I can still perform on a regulair base. Preparing soup for everyone's lunch every once a week. And I help doing the dishes after dinner time. Or I sweep the floor for them. We have chores at de Boed after dinner. I like to be a superhero for free and dry and store the kitchenware every often (Not every day) during the week. They love me for doing that. They think I work fast and they are gratefull for me taking it on me so easily. I like organizing the cupboards along. And it still gives me that superhero feeling. I'm fat and unemployed. I probably need it for my self-esteem to be a superhero every now and then. 

But still, no donations kinda hurts. My wallet hurts from this crisis. Let's be glad I haven't truly been beaten by a villain, but it's still kinda bad. The last weeks I have been sharing bakings, multipack boxes off good brand laundry wash, a box off expensive ice cream and I have been sending several postcards. I have been capable to purchase a few small 'In between' gifts, and a cool birthday gift for my brother. (His birthday will be at the 19th.) I have been doing anything to fight the crisis, also for other people with lower budgets than me. But there is a certain border up to where it's capable. It's become too much to keep up with what I have been trying. 

I have to realize I have to live on governmental wages myself, and these increasement off prices just makes my actions impossible this way. I'm not capable to get more money each week. I have to get by with what I got. It's doable, but just for myself and thinking on the terms off just  one Christmas gift each for my two brothers this year if I start hoarding them for cheap. Just collecting that one book to my cookbook series that came out recently (And that's it for now with them) and then saving the rest up untill the products from my stock are up and purchasing the multipacks on a discount like that. I can still donate one item from a package in the give away closet down the hall, but that's going to be about it with my acts off charity. As far as I can see it, the biggest luxury in my life is off. And this is how I'm going to do it: I think I just have to accept it for now. Accept I'm going to wear last year's clothes, and not purchasing gifts for everyone and a box off chocolates along for christmas. 

I have been thinking, what did ordinairy women do during the 1930's? To fullfill their lives? Taking care off their family, sewing, handcraft, reading, knitting, crotcheting, cross stitching, baking appeltaart, but those typicall, classical feminin things are impossible for me at the moment. It's no use trying to put inspiration from that. Emancipated and modern as I am

I do hard with it, paying a higher price for a smaller portion in a restaurant. Not because I'm a gluton, but because I wish there to be enough food for people. These times are sucking me out. I even have been saving money on hairdye and a haircut. I wear it in a natural shade. It's better than during my depressive periods, but nowadays I dye every 6 months and wear it in an ordinairy braid in my neck to save money. I still wear nailpolish, but I barely wear make-up on my face. I hate these days, but still I come round. I manage to get by despite it's with beeping and creaking, (Thanks to de Boed for supplying my meals each day) 

I wear simple clothes. It's either been in my closet for a while, or it's simple and cheap. Those two do combine well. But it's not the kind off clothes I prefer to wear. Though it's comfy to wear. At least I'm comfortable. And I have been purchasing nice colours. I still like my cheap ass shirts. 

I have been investing in notebooks, however. I like to journal each day about life to empty my head. I have been thinking I needed those fun notebooks, so I deciced they where worthit. Don't get me wrong, I have been painting my toenails a vibrant orange this morning. I still live in a small flat with nice furniture and I have clothes to wear and foods to eat. But the biggest extra's off life are off. 

I foresee us to still have to live with the crisis for four to five winters, and the economy off the Netherlands and the European Union even to become lower. Growth marks of f -1 % and down are even possible. (Somehow I foresee -0,9% for the next quarter off a year for the Netherlands) As we know by now, I'm not an over-acting trouble shooter but a realist. This is what is going to happen. The economy is going to get worse and I suspect the inflation to become dangerous for society, as far as it hasn't already become. I have been burning incense and a tealight on my altair to wish for the war in Ukraine to stop earlier on. This is going to become ink black if it continues like this, I'm sorry to say. It needs to stop as one hell off soon as possible, and I'm not going to dim my words. Since this IS too bad for everyone. 

I got hay fever complaints. It's code red for symptoms. I have it in a very mild form, but it's enough for a runny nose this evening and sneezing all the time. 

I'm not looking forward to a good weekend this weekend. I'm sorry to say. Heath, hay fever and a head full off worries about the crisis. And that's my Friday evening. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.