Good evening at the 10th off August, 2020.

 Good evening everyone, 

A heath wave has stroke the Netherlands. Days and nights are hot for our doing, it's impossible to do anything for me, aside from relaxing and taking life lightly these days. I don't like summer heat, like I said somewhere before, probably. 

I'm in a mood for grief. It's mid-august, and it's been about 8 years since my father has passed. He died at august 16, 2012. Somehow I believe, in the afterlife, he wouldn't want me to grief or cry for too long. I haven't had time to grief ever since it took place, only every often I have cried. Most off the time, too much was going on in my life to truly cry. It was a hard time back then. I was 20 for only 11 days when it happened. Our family had major issues, like with our house and I had my first diagnosis short before that happened. I believe it's been due to a lot off stress that took place during that year. All off it had been too much and I have battled most things all alone. I didn't have much understanding from people. I had no close friends in my surrounding and I was failing at school because off being behind. (I performed quite good grades, but I couldn't keep up with school) Life was too hard. Most people in Castricum (My old home town) where indiffrent about me. Comming to think off it, it was no suprise for me to catch up a mental disease. I still think about that time often. 'What if things turned out diffrent? Then I would have had a job, an income and more stability in my life.' 'I could have made it if things hadn't been so harsh.' 'I wouldn't have been a psychiatric patient if I could have made it.' Things like that occured my mind constantly. I hang up a lot about having a good job and good living qualities, but the previous 8 years have been a cruel nightmare. Protected living isn't as good for it's patients as it's supposed to be. My issues didn't fade untill I ended up living somewhere safe.

Still I can't cry for myself. Though it's been enough in my opinion. I deserve stableness and a good life where I can finally truly heal. I should put my life at the first place instead off agreeing with things and situations that might be too much or too dangerous. Back then I did those things because I didn't have a choice. To start living with my family again was no option. Somehow I know I have done things others would have backed out from, and which make me more brave and emotionally more mature than most people. I find it hard to find emotional or mental connections with most people. Not much people are understanding enough in my opinion. I wish people wouldn't judge me so hard like they always have done. Usually I kept what was going on for myself, though expecting more maturity and understanding from individuals which have let me down below ground levels. Usually I keep up a brave face but I think it's time to start to think off my own personal matter over doing what others want me to do. Or for what I think off as 'the public matter.' which actually often makes a fool out off me so it wasn't worthit at times. 

What do I think is good for -Me- ? What would I truly want to do in a certain situation? What do I truly want to do with life without getting myself into trouble? Or becomming the laugh off other people, as I hate that most off the time. I don't mind being mis understood, but for my own lack off sense, I don't like to put myself below standards (Which I've never done. I'm all faith, bravery and honour when I come to think off it. But how to protect myself from over-doing it so I won't be harmed?) and give people a strange impression. I have cut ties with a lot off people the previous years and I believe it was a good thing as I feel more air in my mind to breathe and tell for myself what is right or wrong. I don't think that's a bad thing. Less attachment to wrong people leads to more mental freedom. Which feels right. 

I doubt people have seen through and truly know me for who I truly am, but I think the people I have in mind about that aren't deserving to truly know me. I have been distant towards most people my own way. I feel like I had the perfect right to do so, and to avoid people and places who would have done harm to me if I would have sought to fight them. Which I have never done. I believe I should put my own importance first over much more matters and do what's good for me much and much more. 

I believe the ending off this story hasn't been in sight soon. But the ending off this weblog is. 

Thank you for reading.