Good evening everyone,
The heath wave has faded, there have been a few big thunder storms in between moments off hot weather and the country is finally cooling somewhat down. It's still hot aside from occassionally thunderstorms. I've heard a lightning crack nearby, but I can't see it from out my window. Hopefully they can do something about it, where ever it has striked.
Today it's just like any other monday, with every other monday stuff (grocery shopping with a small group off fellow clients and a care taker) I mention I have food cravings again. I have been sober and intelligent with my food intake the previous months. But these weeks I can't help but snack on sweet stuff like ice cream and chocolates. I should be watching my weight... but it's a bit harder these weeks than usuall. I'm pretty overweight by the way. I have been gaining a lot off weight the previous years and it's hard for me to have done so. I wish food wasn't such a mental, psychological issue but more something people could mentally perfectly handle with logic and reason instead off becomming slaves to an industry which just wants to make billions out off people. It's unfair and too hard to mentally handle. If I ever would become a tolerable weight...
Medicines make it even more hard to truly loose weight as they are hooligans for your system. I just choose to take them out off safety reasons for myself and my surrounding. I choose to work with with mental health care instead off becomming something unacceptable for my own peace off mind. I know I've done the best thing possible in my situation. Except that it comes with the price off getting fat and mentally and physically slow due to heavy meds. I wish I had the controll over these side effects. It would make life more easy. If I wouldn't accept health care this way, I would have been death. About that much I'm sure. But I refuse to die. I'm not the kind off person to give up.
Yesterday was a nice day, despite it being the day my father died 8 years ago. I have been making some good foods for de Boed, I hope the old man looking down on me from the other world wasn't too angry about me to have made a cheesecake and some creamsicles out off yoghurt and bananas for fellow clients. I didn't do so to celebrate anything, but for the love off cooking good foods. And to set my mind off off things. Though it might have seemed a bit respectless to do so during that day. I loved my father. He doesn't deserve to be disrespected by me. But maybe, he doesn't mind about me making all off that. Because his life ended hard and painfull, so it's a tiny bit off a celebration that that day the suffering finally ended for him. Somehow I had that in mind while being at it. I hope he understood, where ever he was yesterday.
At this moment, I feel more at peace with this life myself. I don't have the urge to die anymore, while sometimes when going to bed, I thought to myself: 'I don't mind if I would be taken to death this night and not wake up tomorrow morning.' - I don't think that anymore at this moment off being. Life on earth isn't so bad after all. Hopefully it will last quite some time for me.
Freedom is something some souls on earth can experience. It's the best thing I'm capable to feel, despite being on the down side off society. Freedom is such a good feeling, just like perfection. It's a certain feeling I describe as the feeling off being truly free. I would never, ever like to give up on that feeling for anything or anyone. Especially not for any type off relatioship. Strange as it may sound. In my freedom, I choose to remain respectfull towards myself and put my feelings first. If something isn't allright with people or situations, I break up with them and get myself togheter. No matter how painfull or long that experience is for me. Freedom and peace off mind are the most important things in life. I don't mind if people think off me as a jerk when I say I usually put my own feelings first above theirs. Not to a point where I become impossible because 'everything hurts my feelings.' but rather to a point where I cut ties with people and wreck things if it's not allright with me (anymore) I have learned to keep at that point after to have done so. A step backwards is often a bad step in my case. I have to move on. That works better.
Allright, that's about it for this weblog this evening.
I hope you enjoyed reading.
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