Keeping it at peace.

 Good evening everyone, 

The forecast was all about heavy snow, this very night but as far as I can see: There's non in sight. I suspect snow to happen, but not tonight. I don't know why. 

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Today was for sharing a banana chocolate flavour cake with walnuts with my fellow patients at de Boed. I got complimented on it's taste and we'll have a bit left for tomorrow. Today was also for making a mango- smoothie togheter and making small dotted paintings on a black background. I made almost two, the next one will be finished next week. 

I consider my life in psychiatric health care as some sort off a monastery. I don't do corrupt things and I fullfill my life with work or hobby for the community most off the time. There is no space for peacefull prayers or space for religious events and no hour long prayers take place, (Religion is to my own in my own home where I light candles and play peacefull music in a serene surrounding. I keep it at peace for my personal calmth sake) but for the idea: I do no sex, no alcohol, no drugs, I try to stay sane and above worldly business most off the time, I declared I would never have children for their health sake, and I live according to my own believe in a better world, and therefore I wish to do good among fellow patients. Hence, I don't even wear make-up on a daily basis and my physical looks are soft and natural most off the time. I'm prude and I believe in that what you give will return to you somehow. I try to keep things at peace for myself due to that so I won't flip and do bad. I wouldn't do bad as a true nun. 

christianity is not my religion and buddhist monasteries seem more interesting to me but are too far away to truly take part in. I also live very sober when it comes to possesions and money. I don't dwell on the latest gadgets. All I do is eat too much. Glutony isn't much off a pre for a nun since it's considered a sin. (And it's made me fat.) But it's my only worldly sin as far as that goes in this time off being. I live at peace with the others. There are no fights between me and fellow patients and due to my good works I'm pretty respected by most. I'm proud off what I'm doing here. I try to be a light in the darkness that's surrounding us. By simply being nice to people and bake them nice goods. I wouldn't sign myself up for a real monastery so far. Life here is probably still what I personally need and I wouldn't like to say goodbye to my own home and the feeling off personal serenity and freedom I got from it. No real monasteries for me. But life so far is pretty alike. I don't really mind living 'clean.' Who knows I might do get a place in heaven from what I do here. The fights on internet fora and life in the ordinairy world with all it's pretence and bullying towards me seem so far away from here. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I should stay away from it. If someone does their very best to avoid you, don't even try to bother them again (- Zen buddhist wisdom.) 

Buddhism does well to me. It's wisdoms do truly guide me well. It's something to hold on to and it told me the common sense to keep on avoiding fights and people from the past. And not to seek my right so furious to all costs as it doesn't do much good. I give them their right in this matter. It has never worked so far what I was trying so I better keep at the path I've choosen with this and that makes wisdom number three. It's a good idea to keep avoiding useless fights from now on as it hasn't done bad so far. Buddhist wisdom has helped me to overcome my bleeding heart and it has handed me some perfect guidelines in what to do in all off the fury that it has become which has never been my intention at first, and to have cut lines entirely with fantasy events only makes me feel better over time 

(Also about myself. It just didn't work out with me and those people. I became a whole lot less than what I would like to be and I just couldn't show myself to most people there the way I would rather show myself and I just couldn't live with the fake image people in the end projected on me and the pressure I felt about it. I have cut ties with it entirely and I feel relieved. I also felt like I could never overcome the diffrence in outlook on a certain matter. And all the gossip about my person. So why bother keeping myself there? I don't like the feeling off being an eternal victim.) 

The opposit off love is not hate, it is indifference. Zen Buddhism truly made me overcome the nasty feelings I had towards them and I feel I can live with it now. That and cutting ties healed me and got me back on track on being the person I rather be in the real world. A good person who works hard, helps people and who gives true effort to life and no bullshit about that. I'm proud I took back the steering wheel myself and finally got a car that seemed total loss back on track. 

Allright, it might have become a bit deep and phillosoficall this evening but I'm proud off this journal. 

I hope you enjoyed reading. Thank you for reading.