Good evening everyone,
It's been sunny today, while the entire week has been rainy and depressing. It hasn't been summer this year, I don't know if that's a good thing and what this does to mankind in the Netherlands the rest off this year. I think it can't be good but maybe I should be glad it hasn't been too hot outside this year. That's a plus for me since I'm very big. I can't stand too hot weather.
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I'm tired all the time, I feel sucked out off energy and I'm probably depressed again and in mourning. It's been this month where a lot off relatives died in other years. I feel stuck with my youth trauma's and I have been talking a lot with care takers, but everytime I tell them the same story about my past again and it doesn't seem to solve mental pain or the sadness I feel. I told you I was about to give myself some space these years to heal and give my emotions space to be instead off hiding them away and shoving them under. As it's been enough. I wish to truly heal my issues.
Zaandijk is becomming a criminal place. There have been robberies, violence, cars set to fire and explosions this year and de Boed is getting a nasty place for people yelling and fighting each other all the time, and there have been ambulances all the time since a lot off people had to go to the hospital this year, there has been one almost every day on front off the buildings. I feel unsafe in my own house and it's not been something that has been 'just in my mind.' As a lot off incidents have made it to the local newspaper so I have proof it's not fake what I've witnessed. It's been a lot these months and it's traumatic so far. I suppose it's no suprise I stand weak on my feet and almost can't stand it. I have had a bad night off sleep last week, overthinking everything that's been going on and feeling incredibly unsafe.
I made use off the occasion to bake cookies that night to set my mind off off things, but I didn't feel good when I handed them out to de Boed. Most off the time I highly enjoy it when people love my treats, but that Sunday I felt bad after I did so. Probably due to the feeling that surrounded the making off my sand cookies. (I made sand cookies) The world is going crazy. People got stabbed and murdered almost every night so it seems. A dark and unpleasant atmosphere is surrounding us these years. A few doors next to me, in the same hallway, there lives a violent criminal who slams his walls all the time and who is drunk a lot. He has even made it to the local newspaper with a violent act previous year. And there have been strange people on the Gortershof terrain this month, which we (the clients) got warned for by health care staff. It's never been this insane before. Last night I dreamed there was a suspicious man in my house and I had a hard time waking up to do something about it. It was a really scary dream. I have told my health care staff about feeling unsafe and they try to comfort me over it all the time I mention, but it's hard. Today I even felt physically weak by current events. I'm a 6 foot tall, big woman but these happenings are a bit too much off a good thing for me. I don't know what to do since I'm dependent on health care.
I mainly try to keep a cozy home and stay safe inside and lock my door each night. If I was a free person with a job, I would move places. It's beyond a point where it's tolerable what's happening. I know I can't almost withstand current day's issues but I can't do anything about it. I think I either get more mental, or grow insanely strong once all off this is done and the world is back to normal again. Whenever that will be, will that ever be? I don't know how much longer I have to take what's going on these days. I'm tired and weak on my legs. That's all I know for now. The criminal side is a side most tourists never see about this area off the Netherlands. But it's the painfull truth nowadays.
Allright, that's about it for now-
Thank you for reading.
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