Good evening everyone,
Today was rainy and gloomy but this evening the sun shines like it has never been any diffrent. I hope the weekend won't be too warm. There will be a market in Zaandijk on sunday, a yearly event to celebrate this village's birthdate. I suspect it to become crowded somehow. I'll make it depend on how I feel whether I visit or not.
*
I haven't felt well yesterday. I felt as if I could faint after dinner, while everyone thought I had done a great job by giving de Boed an idea to cook a nice pasta dish. I know it'll be a good idea to do so more often: Not cooking myself, but handing them ideas and receipes as most people loved it and staff said it was such an easy receipe they liked to cook. Pasta Pesto Pollo. Pasta with pesto sauce, chicken and sundried tomatoes. Always a winning team but I probably had issues with the heath yesterday. I do bad during hot weather, the feeling stayed with me all evening and I had to be brought home by a care taker and lay down all evening. I don't feel very well and I made today mainly a stay at home day to recover a bit and only went to de Boed for dinner this evening. I don't know what caused my almost faint. I already had it mildly in the morning at coffee. I hope it's gone for now. I still feel wobbly
I'm giving away my painted stones and painting on facebook just for someone who might like it. It's not suitable for my own home, so I hope someone will react on it and take them. I love making people happy. They're for free, just for the first who can pick them up. So far I don't have much luck with it.
Today was for purchasing presents for my brother's birthday. He's a Star Wars and games geek and I purchased some Star Wars merchandise for him. I think he'll appreciate.
I have the feeling I get more confused each day and sometimes I do hard staying aware but it's still on the mild side. I felt confused during a game whether 12 comes before 11 and I realized a bit late I was putting all numbers in a wrong order when I played with grandma but it didn't truly matter as I somehow won the game. Rummikub is confusing. I had a game off it at de Boed and during one turn they where all confused about what I was actually up to while puzzling the digits togheter and I ended up with getting back a red 11. Instead off losing a few stones. I'm glad I can laugh about myself and maybe it's just that game that gets me confused and makes me do strange things.
There is dark energy in the air, people are fighting each other and I feel drained and low in energy while at the start off the week I believed I was invincible this week. It's just that life isn't rewarding and it's depressing as it is around here. I wish I had someone adjusting some bright colours instead off it always having to be me to paint things in. Sometimes that's exhausting, and draining, and I try getting on a diet but so far it doesn't work and loosing weight will be too hard for me as far as it seems now. Anti-Psychotics make you gain an incredible lot off weight and I believe my face and my body look too fat at this moment off time. I have a hard head in it that it will work out, though. Life isn't rewarding. I look like a fat pig in my opinion though I try my best with a better haircut and hairdye done by de Boed's hairstylist (A woman who is a hairdresser but does our haircuts as a volunteer job.) and keeping clean better so far. That works, but I don't like how I sagged off to this fat. The hairdresser does her best to give me TV-star hair, A gorgeous cut and I was her guinea pig for highlights. I don't mind helping people with such things and I look better than the average person nowadays, though it's out off fashion to have such hair. (People having little money and average hairdressers being expensive and such, and Corona and natural hair being in fashion.) And it was a bargain to look like that. I appreciate it.
I wonder what fashion and average people would have looked like if crisises wouldn't hit them so hard. Probably that ragged nineties style wouldn't have been in fashion among the cool kids and I feel pity for the massively increasing numbers off poor people. My hair isn't common nowadays. I do feel a bit weird for being out off style and uneasy for people thinking I'm weird and decadent rich, but I don't tell her. I had incredibly long, undyed brown hair before she cut me. I have the opportunity to still look like a star. Most people don't. My old hair looked almost filthy and mothy and ungroomed compared to this. I look much better now. I could also be gratefull to look like this instead off complaining.
I have the feeling the middle class is fading and you're either rich, or poor nowadays but that might be just my personal feeling. I'm not rich, but I'm not rock bottom either. I don't want to come off spoiled to truly poor people. I hate people who stare at me spending things out off their envy and jealousy, but I feel with those I make truly sad with it because they don't have it. I have been poor compared to old classmates ten years ago, when money wasn't so much off an issue for most people so I know the feeling when people have more wealth than you. I hate to say it, I'm on governmental wages and sick, and I have a little more on hand than some average people out there. I'm still poor but not broke. I wouldn't like to come off as spoiled to most people nowadays. With the help off bargains, I hope to get by. And I hope not to tempt robbers and thieves by staying below middle class with my spendings. I almost called it average, but average nowadays is poor and the best wealth off this country is almost gone. What a nightmare. I'm almost glad I'm not a normal woman. This doesn't go well for the Netherlands the way it looks nowadays. This country has gotten backward the previous 10 to 13 years and I still see it getting deeper in despair for those who don't have 'it.' in their lives. I feel sorry for them.
There is bad energy in the air around us. I feel it prickling almost while I sit here. All off it togheter might be the reason why I feel drained and exhausted all the time. Violence and crime, poverty, agression and depression- this area off our country dwells on bad energy. It's hard to see, it's hard to have that in my surrounding but I could -try- when I feel good to brighten things up a little. It's just that my energy and well being is often low and I don't have an influence at all on it so to me it seems. I wish I was a healthy person, but on the other hand, if I was, I would move out off here and leave it. That's my secret wish, a healthy home in a foreign forest with cool temperatures with a dreamy cottage or house on a lakeside. Everyone has their dreams. But I don't have such options. I can't say though, that I'm truly brave and trying to help them instead. I have too bad health to give it my best these days. I have the feeling I bump against a wall when I wish to give it my best and help. This 'bad energy.' is very thick. I can't explain but it's so massive, it hurts me physically. I have to take myself in consideration and take it easy before I set my best foot forwards.
Allright, that's about it for now-
Thank you all for reading.
Geen opmerkingen:
Een reactie posten