Good evening at the 22nd off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today started with autumn rain, but at the moment it's sunny and bright for autumn. Leaves are falling off the trees and it's cold. 

*

Today was for painting at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. It's the Saturday activity off today. I promised an old friend off mine to paint him something after selling a first painting to him which was very much to his liking. It's not been much money. Just 5 euro's but I appreciate he wanted to buy it in the first place and so with this second painting. I can't tell the original artist, but I painted it after some examples from an abstract artist. I haven't exactly been copy-pasting, but filling in some lines from these works a care taker has been drawing on the canvas. I happen to be capable to paint and I seem to have a nice style with it. 

I copied the woman with the cello from an original painting, but did a diffrent background on it with less details, but a nice shade off icy blue. Five euro's is not bad for it. And I'm not officially publishing this as my own. So I believe it's not art-theft. I should look up the original artist. The first painting was even more captivating, I painted it with diffrent colours. So dark hair instead off blonde, a yellow dress instead off a red one and a red hat instead off a black one. I have no picture off that, unfortunately. Still my friend loved it and wanted to have it. And that's how this second one came to be. 

I also painted an elephant. Which was the subject off this week: Painting elephants. Abstract was the subject off previous month. But I was allowed to paint this one by the caretaker who is in charge off painting. 

I made this out off this week's subject and I have the feeling it's not finished yet. I like to paint. There's also painting every week, but it's usually on a time I'm not available for it. I have other duties like grocery shopping on that time off the week. So I can't. But every month on Saturday there's also painting. Next month will be peacocks and that was my idea. On other Saturdays, other caretakers work and do diffrent creative activities with us. Usually I'm at home baking something for Sundays when that takes place since it's often not to my liking. But painting is fun. I have the feeling I make some people jealouse with the idea off painting on Saturday, provided to me simply because I'm sick. It's not my intention to bring out green monsters to people who do less well and who don't have the opportunity to paint on their free Saturday. I even make a little money with some works, but that's simply because people think I'm good at it. It's not my intention to be a jerk with it. 

I'm going to put the money I earned with this to use and purchase Christmas poststamps with it. (Or pay a part off the Christmas poststamps) I purchased Christmas cards and I went a bit for the nostalgic feeling. It's old fashioned painted with birds (rubins) being the main subject on it. Frumpy? Old- Fashioned? Vintage? Nostalgia? All off that, but I fell for the cute birds on it. I'm still glad I can send people postcards for Christmas this year, though. It's not a modern print that scares them off. I believe they can appreciate. Old-fashioned is in fashion. So I think I do well with it. 

My plaster is off off my foot. I can get used to it. People said I probably need to get used to the feeling off not having it anymore, but I love it already. 

 

It's only a bit sensitive when you would intentionally press it. Other than that I can perfectly walk with it. Climb stairs and move myself around. It's all painless. I'm so glad I can wash it again since it was all sweaty and felt filthy after such a time. 

I'm watching Netflix a lot and I love it. Mainly teenage fantasy, romantic comedies and studio Ghibli. I love Netflix. It's the perfect way to spend an otherwise boring evening. Yesterday was for Princess Mononoke and I'm glad I watched it. I loved it. 

Tonight is for spinach with potatoes and meat. I don't live in luxury when it comes to food. My head somehow hurts this evening and I don't know where that feeling comes from. Today has been a good and productive day. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good afternoon at the 15th off October, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today it's cold, cloudy and rainy. It's grey outside. It's a gloomy autumn day in the Netherlands. 

*

What else is there to say than life's a bit depressing at this moment? The weather is grey, the crisis hits us hard and I decided to change to simple clothes and embrace just being clean for the crisis' sake. I try to wear not too expensive clothes/ clothes wich look simple and affordable. They're comfy and warm, and I'm certain Buddha would appreciate off me looking simple when it comes to my looks. Like said, these are not the days to stick out the eye off other people wearing expensive stuff. I can still afford nice clothes, but I decided to stick with clean, warm & simple for the crisis' sake. 

I personally think staying clean despite it all is still important. So I keep on being washed but there are people probably even doing hard with that due to this murderous crisis. 

I try to keep on doing small fun things to keep my head up during this crisis- like sending fun postcards, pampering myself a little with a charcoal-sugar facemask every so often, baking nice stuff and watching movies on Netflix when I can set myself to watch. Usually I would paint my nails to feel better, but I think it's inappropriate to look too pricey these months- so I don't do that these weeks. Nailpolish is for when people can afford things again. Buddha would be proud off me. I've shown my social circles my new 'crisis' look with a photo on facebook. As a grown up woman, you'd better show a picture off your naked ass in public than a picture off yourself thát ungroomed, but my personal crisis and the economic crisis make me feel I have nothing to be ashamed off these months. It's just that it's not my usuall clothes. I think I can firmly say I can be proud off myself for taking attemps in not looking spoiled. Though I still think my look is middle instead off low. I'm still wearing new clothes after all. 

All off this is depressing. The crisis, the war, the weather, everything being expensive, the house being cold at night, people in the streets looking poor and on their last leggs, all the children for who I feel bad for growing up in a world like this (I'm sorry to say) and they keep coming. People keep on making babies like it's nothing nowadays. I don't feel good about that, but mankind would probably get extinct if everyone would think like me and take mind over matters. Still I'm proud off myself for not having a hungry mouth to feed. I get by and I can fend for myself these days, despite it all- but that's mainly because I depend on de Boed and it's cheap ass meals each day. Even in weekends I almost feel I'm becoming a boiled potato. Especially during weekends I'm doing hard with not having good foods. I don't mean takeout or fastfood, but something that looks like they've done their best more for it that's not so cheap. But I have no choice. On every regulair day I have a full right to complain, but during a massive crisis I shouldn't be so spoiled. Still, you see my point: The reality off the day works against my good spirits. 

I'm tired a lot. Though not much happens in my small world, what happens in the world weighs heavily on my shoulders. I'm so tired from stressing over it. Stress is funest for delusions. It's not a good thing to feel it as much as I do these weeks. Still, I stress over it. I have the feeling this can take longer than what's good for me, but it won't take decades. Still we might be at the beginning off it. That's not good for me. At least not the state I'm in at the moment. The war in Ukraine can take another four to five years, including the gas crisis and the economical trouble we're in. I'm glad the government will compensate a lot for us, but it's still not easy. Maybe we get out by it somewhere around 2026. That takes years for us to get over with everything. As far as I can foresee it, the war in Ukraine will take another few years. Including the crisises that come with it. I could talk 'more positive. To keep spirits from being down.' But I should tell the truth. Despite not everyone wants to hear me. I'm so tired from all off the stress. 

de Boed has a lot off tension these days. Yesterday there was almost a fight, but staff could keep it from happening. It happens a lot. People are fed up more easily and get angry at each other a lot. It's psychiatric health, that happens a lot. It's not like they are watching Disney movies all day being senile. They're mainly difficult people who get annoyed very easily. I don't always like being among them. There's a lot to say for staying in my house a lot and avoiding them if I can. They are nice to me and I have no problems with any off them, but among each other they're fighting a lot and that takes a toll off me. I'm so tired from all off this. I hate to be used to mental violence. 

From very early on, I'm used to mental violence in diffrent forms. It's not good for my personal development to have to deal with it a lot. I'm a problemcase and I have been for a long time. Most people don't get this about me. I'm not violent myself, but my surrounding is. Still I can get angry. And when I am, it can be intense. I deal with a lot off things in my life. I always have. I react a bit diffrent on situations than most common people. I must be hurt that this comes out at this moment. The world is hurting me at this moment. That much is true. A lot off people don't know the real me and usually I don't show who I am for real. Nobody probably has the slightest idea about me. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

      

Good evening at the 11th off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a beautifull day in autumn. Sunny periods changed cloudy ones, but this afternoon the sun shone pretty bright despite it being cold. 

*

Today was for baking two banana cakes. I can't seem to upload the pictures on here, but they came out quite well out off the mold. I felt somewhat off a rush while baking them this morning. Almost a psychotic rush and that's why I managed to even do the dishes after baking. I had fun while doing so, though. Baking them for afternoon coffee tomorrow was a good idea. I don't know if all ladybugs or animaniacs on the other side off the screen believe me when I say I baked. After all, picture or it didn't happen. But this time they have to believe me on my word. I adjusted nuts, coconut and cookiespices to the cake batter. It's quite luxurious cake for tomorrow and I can be proud off it. 

I happen to have a bit off a cold. Runny nose, sore throat, shivers down my body. It's fading away today, but it was there and it was annoying. Luckily I'm having a strong immune system. Though I'm still not good. The cold central heating at night makes me freeze when I'm in bed. It's no miracle I caught a cold. Luckily there is hot showers, warm tea and vitamin C pills, and I hope my ladybug guardian angel will help me with this. I also got a burn on my left arm from the oven when inserting cakes. It's quite a patch. It's so cold at night in my flat. I have to get used to it. Everyone probably has their central heating low these days and feels cold at night due to the energy crisis. 

I had an energy rush this morning when making cakes. It's not promising something good to be in hypermode and I don't know if that was due to medication changes. I know I haven't felt like that in a long time, though. It made me feel like superwoman, but it's also been quite dangerous when thinking off it. On the other hand, it's been better than wasting my morning and doing nothing all the time. I probably got fed up with the crisis and that's why I have been using all these expensive ingredients. Sometimes schizophrenic people have care delusions where they start to do extaordinairy luxurious things or perform much better in self-care than what they did, or buy luxurious products for themselves. It's a rush which whispers in this strong sense off doing so and acting out on it is something we often regret later on due to all the money that was spend due to that unthoughtfull act. I have been heaping things up, and now it came out alltogheter in the kitchen though I had fun. Care delusions don't have anything to do with spoiled ness, and they are not ment as a lame excuse for splurges. I don't know the correct term for it and I don't even know the correct term for it in Dutch, all I know is that it's there and I can have trouble with it sometimes. Usually I slack in self-care, but now I changed medication, it erupted a bit in the kitchen. This crisis is not going to be helpfull with that. On one hand, I prefer to keep it moderate not to spend too much money so I can make it through. On the other hand there's delusions pulling my jacket to buy items. That happened before. Delusions make me buy items when I hang in them too much. Often it's not really dangerous, but sometimes I think I am a character from the past and start acting out on them in a beauty routine or a shopping spree. I don't roleplay thoughtfully, it's all delusional when I do so which makes it dangerous. I had a period where I thought I had previous lives in the Roman Empire, which made me dress and make-up in that style and even wear tiara's in public. I believe I didn't look too strange since I kept it all modern and cool. I just looked inspired. I also had one where I dyed my hair a few shades blonder, to match another delusion. I have fun when being delusional, nevertless. But it's not a good thing. 

Now I have been dulling myself down by not dying my hair and not wearing make-up most off the time, I feel it's probably down the corner off the street again. I had a few delusions about being a Victorian or Edwardian in my previous lives, which require no make-up but which are more thoughtfull about the hair. Today was for jumping a bit out off my common routine since I picked a nice shirt for myself this morning. I still had it in my closet so I haven't spend money on it, but people asked all the time if it was new and I got complimented on it a lot. People loved it. Usually in winter I go for the same old longsleeves which the public can probably dream me in. There was no thought behind wearing something nice today, just that my usuall longsleeves where all in the laundry. But maybe looking a bit better or more original than usuall these days, triggered something in me but I hope not. 

Somehow I hope it will all work out tomorrow and my strong feeling off making luxurious banana cakes was adjust. I think I will bale a bit next week in the supermarket for having to re-store my stock and purchasing nuts to re-fill my baking stock. Other than that I believe I did a good job despite it all.    

Maybe I don't do a good job holding myself back when not being delusional. I have the feeling having to play it cheap and a bit boring the upcomming period not to offend most people, might be hard for me. I have a starsign who prefers it original, loud and luxurious most off the time. Classy with an original twist- that's me.

People in the streets off the city looking so cheap is NOT to my liking. I can be chique on a minimum wage, but not everyone can. (That sounds mean.) People looking ratchet and poor these days is a shame. Not to them, but to what's going on in the world. I don't like the streetvieuw to have altered this way. It came off as a nightmare to me. 

At de Boed, not much has changed when it comes to fashion. Most people wear dark clothes which look fine. No make-up, and natural hair for most women. But their clothes look fine despite them not having much. I think the people in the streets are not used to being poor, unlike us who still make something out off it. de Boed looks still good in their clothes and don't look cheap or shabby at all. They're mainly mental, middle aged people with a low income. But still, vain enough on themselves. Common people can learn from us. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 9th off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today is a beautifull sunny autumn day and the leaves on the tree behind my house are turning yellow. It will be soon before they fall off. 

*

Yesterday I went shopping at Zaandam city centre. I got there all dressed in fancy autumn clothes, my nails polished and my face in moderate make-up. But what I saw was downright shocking: People looked so poor and down dressed, women without make-up, low-profile clothes and people looking downright shabby and poor, I felt incredibly overdressed. I feel that heavy on my shoulders. It's been a while since I've been to the city centre and I know people usually dress chique when they go shopping. What I've seen where people who where rock bottom on a crisis and that means this country is on it's last leggs. Zaanstad never has been a rich place. It's been build up on the blood and sweat off factory workers. People looking so poor in the streets and me being sooo 2020 in my clothes and overdressed was traumatizing. I don't want to stick out the eyes off people at de Boed, I don't want to stick out the eyes off people in the streets. People can't afford the energy bills, they can't afford groceries and it's a month away the increasing off wages will come. 

I saved up last years' clothes, wearing nailpolish and shoes I still had and pretty autumn fashion from early on, hoping fashion wouldn't have changed too much these months so I could hang on with it affordably, but I have to play it even more low-profile with clothes and look more cheap not to look overdressed this season. Usually I look a bit cheap, and during summer I swear by it to look low-profile. I wanted to celebrate autumn fashion with dark nail polish and edgy autumn prints, and pretty fancy pants. But the world today can't take that. I even wore lipstick yesterday. It's best to play it the usuall way and downdress this season: No make-up, jeans, old sneakers, no edgy prints, and a diffrent coat or jacket than I own as far as I can see this. As far as I could see, people where still vain about their hair, and that's been a thing I have been sober in: no hairdye and growing it. I saw haircuts and hairdye, despite the faces not wearing make-up. 

Maybe the world in the city centre will look diffrent after wages have increased and there is a serious plan about gas compensation, somewhere after the holidays this year. I feel pity with all those people. They really look like they are on their last leggs. I can try not to look too expensive to them by dressing down a bit myself. I don't want to stick out people's eyes. I've been too poor myself to know how that feels and I'm still not rich. I purchased a new jacket for it and some low-profile longsleeves. As long as we're not out off trouble, I refuse to show off. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 5th off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's windy and cloudy, and it's cold outside. 

*

All my worries about the creamy potato soup with bacon where unnecessiary. It was a delicious soup which was enjoyed by everyone who had a bowl off it. I was very content with it myself, too. I never thought I would be a volunteer soup chef one day when I'd grow up. But I'm a good one and I can make this basic potato soup taste like heaven for people. It was a good idea. 

The rest off this day was spend watching netflix and I love watching movies on it. Instead off being bored and worrying all the time, I got something to do when I'm home alone. It's been a good idea from my caretakers to allow me netflix. I did myself a big favor when I purchased a smart TV. Christmas and romantic comedies are a perfect way to spend my free time. I would love a good christmas period this year since it wasn't much off a good year this year, and I'm probably not the only one who has experienced it that way. I could use some christmas romance. (If not a boyfriend, then hopefully the feeling off a romantic christmas.) I shouldn't forget to bake de Boed christmas treats this year. In real life, it's not christmas yet and we're at the point where an autumn treat would be more suitable. 

It's probably a good idea to fix a pot off pumpkin soup for de Boed this month. But next week will probably be for tomato soup. People love tomato soup and they are already looking forward to it. All the praise makes it fun to be a soup chef. One way or another I have the feeling I can't be missed for too long if I'd ever plan to leave it here. Good for them I'm not going anywhere soon and I can make soup depite to be still in walking plaster with my right foot. It's Buddhistic wisdom the world still turns without you. But somehow I have the feeling I would take away some comfort every week from them if I would vanish from this world. 

I do a bit better when it comes to medication enlowering. Still they are discussing wheter I should take it all in the morning, or I should be on less off it given the events from previous weekend. Where I was doing incredibly bad and thought I was hexed by someone. This week all got a bit better. I don't feel so bad anymore. Soon I will be on the last step off to be off off Pallyperidone and then I have to see if I can do without. Due to it enhighering a hormone in my blood. I have to take a bloodtest after I'm off off it to see if I do well now with what I've got. Mental medication is such a bitch most off the time. And enlowering it sure sucks. A benefit from changing meds, is that I seem to lose weight. Finally. It's a torture to be this fat due to medication. I haven't done anything special to lose weight, and it goes pretty fast. So I'm somehow certain it's always been medication that has made me this fat. Caretakers are proud off me over it. I make them proud simply by battling medication enlowering. Not because off a diet or a sports routine. I can't say it's easy, but it's not a lot off hard work on it either. 

That's about it for now-

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 4th off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today it's a beautifull Autumn day again. Autumn this year is so much more beautifull than spring or summer. It's almost romantic outside. In a positive way, not in a depressing way. It's so romantic I'd almost wish I had a boyfriend. But this year makes me enjoy this gorgeous Autumn alone.

*

Autumn is so beautifull, and Putin and the crisis can't take this away from us no matter how hard they try. 

Today was for finding I had healthy finances again, so I purchased the applepie book I have been craving for a while, aside two affordable cookbooks on soup. I'm a soupchef, so new inspiration always comes in handy. When my ankle was just broken, I have been looking up all kinds off soup cookbooks for when I was capable to prepare my Wednesday Soup again. One off the soup cookbooks is purely vegetarian, So I'll probably do good for the environment too if I'm going to use that, though I have to be honest with you and tell you that I use meat in my soups and most off my soups are on a chicken broth base since I find that the most tastefull for most soups. Vegetable broth isn't hearthy enough most off the time. And I shamelessly adjust meatballs or chicken meat to some off my soups. This week will be for stripes off bacon siding the soup since I will make creamy potato soup with bacon. I'm not a vegetarian to be honest. 

Preparing soup every week is still fun for me to do, so I hope I can make my 5th anniversary with it. I have been keeping up with it for 2 years now, and I have fans for my soup so it's been a good idea to start it. And beyond my 5th anniversary. I love serving people a bowl full off comfort every week. 

This week is for creamy potato soup, which is a receipe I will try for the first time. We're in the middle off a crisis and groceries are expensive as hell. So I decided on a soup with less expensive ingredients but still with a lot off taste if all goes well. I will prepare it with herbs from de Boed's herb planters. I wish to continue my soup every week, even if the crisis hits us hard. Next month we will get paid more, but this month it's still dealing with a bitch off a crisis and I'm proud I can withstand it. Next week will be for tomato soup. I feel a bit guilty about the soup to be as cheap ass as this week. But it's probably perfect for a crisis like we're in at the moment. I just hope my tomato soup won't hurt in de Boed's wallet. It will be made with fresh tomatoes and vegetable broth since I find that suitable for a sweet tomato soup. If the potato soup is good, though, I might also plan it in January since it's a perfect comfort soup for winter as far as I can see the receipe. Every soup is diffrent and can't be compared to one another, I just hope they are good in their own fashion and I have nothing to feel guilty about tomorrow. Potatoes and tomatoes- It's the old question. 

It's going to be an art to make potato soup with cheap ingredients taste restaurant worthy. Since that's going to be my challenge tomorrow. 

Allright, that's about it for now-

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 2nd off October, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was lovely fall weather with a sun that wasn't too sharp to bear, a cloud here and there and trees that start to loose their leaves. It looks beautifull outside.

*

I had been doing trouble finding the meaning off life some time ago. A voice in my head suggested me to bake more cake, since the meaning off life can be found in fresh, home made cake for a while. I did so today, and for now I feel better than the weeks before. Yesterday I managed to bake a farmer-style cake with nuts I chopped in my foodprocessor. A mix off diffrent kind off nuts which I incorporated in the batter. Today was for sharing it at de Boed during coffee time and it was well received. I could hand some people a second slice and I even had people attending at de Boed especially for my cake when I announced I had cake for them during coffee time. The finely chopped nuts, large and small, (They wheren't chopped evenly.) Gave a nice structure to a good receipe for cake. I have no picture since it didn't came out pretty out off it's mold. Unfortunately. I felt it wouldn't be pretty enough to picture, but cut in slices on pastry plates it was fine enough to be served to the coffee crowd. I love such afternoons. The nuts even gave it a hint off autumn and I'm glad I could stand on my feet long enough to bake. (I still got my foot in walking plaster. But it's healing well.) Only so often it still hurts and I feel I have to take it easy. Most off the time it goes well. 

I love baking farmstyle pound cake. The feeling is golden and almost nostalgic. It tastes like the cakes my father used to bake back when he was still alive. My father loved baking back in the days. He was pretty good at it and he taught me how to do it well. The feeling off a farmer's cake is so nice. It was a good idea to adjust chopped nuts to it. 

Now it's only practicing a bit more with getting them entirely out off the mold. I can forget about Nordic Ware loaf pans if it keeps on coming out with loose bits on top. Baking cake really does give me back the meaning off life for a while. It's not as lasting as raising a kid, or even a cat. But it sure is a nice result off a bit off work. It's such a compliment people look forward to my bakings and come to de Boed for them when I bake. 

I understood if you can't find a relationship or family life, life often has a diffrent purpose for you. That's just faith. And often you can find a lot off meaning into that if you search for it and fullfill it. It's not a bad thing being an old spinster when I have a purpose to make other people happy with my hobby. In my case it's true, and it's probably the best advice I can give to people who do hard finding true love: Find a diffrent purpose and add more meaning to your life. Sometimes we are needed elsewhere than at the table off our spouses. Cake sure does add meaning to my life. Maybe applepie and finding fluffy yellow chicks at a farm in spring do too. Voices are a bit weird sometimes since they have good ideas sometimes when they're good. 

Though today was for an extra Lorazepame emergency medication since I thought a voice wanted to spell me and do bad magic on me. Lorazepame works against that negative energy and shuts out black magic so far. I was in a fight with it this afternoon. I was a bit distant at coffee time since I feel absent minded a lot so I probably wasn't nice company to the people at my table. Despite serving people cake on pastry plates myself. I wasn't doing well and I had the outcome off extra medication down my throat, but the entire afternoon was a good one thanks to my cake. So I enjoyed it evenly without smalltalk. I'm sensitive for atmospheres and the general feeling in a space, and it was a good one this afternoon. 

See, despite it being a crisis, we do good to share if we still can and not be selfish. It can be off help to people and make their day in hard times. And it was crowdy today at afternoon coffee. So mission accomplished for today. 

I'm still battling the medication side effects and being a bit... off minded this evening. Lorazepame works for 12 hours and it's supposed to shut down delusions immediately, make drowsy and calm the mind. It's addictive and I'm on it every night before bed, and I'm allowed one for emergencies. It's not preferable during daytime. Still I needed one today. It's not easy to be on it today. It sits uneasy on me this evening. Despite the dark magic to be gone. Medication is hard on me at this moment. Being absent minded due to it is hard since I'm not fully present in the moment.   

I could do better, but today was a bit brighter than usuall due to my cake. 

Allright, that's about it for now - 

Thank you for reading.