Good evening at the 23th off April, 2023.

 Good evening everyone, 

This morning was cold and cloudy, but this evening it's clogging with rainshowers in Zaandijk, a small touristic village in the Netherlands. 

*

I've been thinking about something: I'm pretty lucky in life when it comes to basic wealth, I'm far from rich, on the poor side, actually, but I'm not bankrupt and I'm taken care off. I have to do it sober with clothes but I'm not doing bad given the standards off nowadays Netherlands. 

But what if a teenager overflowing with hormones arrives at school after summer, without fashionable clothes to show off, or without new clothes at all for middle or high school? I bet that happens, and I feel pity with them. Teens have a habit off wishing to look as perfect and dolled up as possible, but what if mom and dad are to say 'We have no money for it this year.' ? I feel with those who befall that. You're 3-0 behind if your parents are poor due to the crisis when you have to go to school, or when you are poor yourself. I also feel with the kids who don't get birthday presents from their parents, or holiday presents. I have been crying previous december over it. I'm so glad a kid is not off my concern. I can sit here in cheap clothes, no one to care about but silly old me during a crisis. I'm proud I never gave in to that kind off desire. No accidents for me, mister! I have to deal with this shit (Being a mental patient and living in a crisis) myself, and no one else. I don't even have a pet to take care off. (I would love to own a cat, but not in this small flat.)

In the short term, all I have to do is get over with a cough, a menstrual period, and dishes on the counter top. In the mid-long term I have to watch my spending tomorrow at grocery shopping, re-fill the emergency fund with cash and I'm thinking off re-wearing last year's winter shoes instead off buying new ones. (I'm not a teen having to go to school. I can look shabby.) and in the long term, it's just dealing with the crisis. (I expect this can befall us quite some time) 

If I over-spend by being unweary, (Splurging on three new shirts... but it turned out allright) it's not the end off the world. If I would have mouths to feed, I would not be capable to survive. 

Some people simply just do it, having babies and new pets. But I can't do it. The responsibility, the money, the freedom you have to give up... Don't get me wrong. If I would live under the right circumstances, I would have loved to have four children. I'm not kidding you - four.- But it's not possible and I've learned to deal with it. And every day off this crisis, as it darkens and everything is getting even more and more expensive, I grow more gratefull off myself. You can't 'Just do it.' and not take responsibility. That's not how life works in my opinion. AND I'm a mental patient. And unfertile. Nature and the world have already decided for me before I have even been given the choice to have a child. I'm fine, thank you. 

It's fine being an old spinster on my own. I have dragged no one under my responsibillity in despair. I deserve an award for it. I'm ending it with 'In the Ghetto.' By Elvis Presley 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.