Not to my taste

 Good evening everyone, 

To be honest, I never truly felt he was to my taste. The entire circus that was up around it humiliated me and brought me to personal shame and confusion and I have the idea people never got to really knowing me or wanting to know me because off all the rumors around it. It became huge and it became bigger than me in an unacceptable way. I feel more at ease telling you this when it's all done. In the centre off the heath I don't feel well about sharing secrets. But now it's all done, I feel like telling you all. 

I didn't feel attracted to him at first to be honest and that's probably where the rumors come from that I am the one who is a slut. I couldn't tell because he also made me delusional. I got delusions and mental breakdowns about him a lot and I felt 'something.' about him was after me and didn't want to get loose from me but I couldn't accept it as part off my person since I fought it all the time while actually spitting out personal scentences off hatred to him. Mainly about his race since he turned me racist. I could have said better insults, more personal things or better names but racism was the best thing that came to my mind. Often I'm not 'like that.' I prefer to see people as a person and I love the darker skinned people I consider friends or care takers who are doing incredibly well I rank as high as people. That's how I prefer to judge people. But this moron made me say everything you better don't say to someone another etnicity and if I truly loved him I wouldn't have even mind him being a Jew. It's the most sensitive racism in the western world. Politically correct I would have told him 'you're not my type. I'm sorry.' This son off a bitch turned me almost antisemitic while I hate that idea. I had an inner conflict about it all the time and started to doubt myself. I have read somewhere medication turns you racist. I'm not a racist myself. I prefer not to be. I still hate him but somehow him not being into me anymore feels like relief. You can get a nasty mental sunburn from such heavy inner conflicts in scorching summer while you walk home from your job. I still remember me fighting all off that. It felt like a massive pain. I have never seen him around in my neighbourhood or anywhere in real life. My family got sick from me being mentally burdened by the entire issue and it felt like killing me. I have never told family, friends or even mental healthcare what it was actually about since I felt such shame. But they could see me wrestling with myself. Since I got over my personal break with him I feel my mind is more at ease. I don't have to use lame excuses to reject him and he hopefully won't turn back to me after that last post letter where I begged him to marry me. It was turned around psychology I never heard anything to so it probably worked the way I wanted it to work. I should rather say 'And never come back to me again, you Kankerjood.' (A common phrase in the west off the Netherlands.) I have been cursing him to hell a lot a few summers ago with phrases like that. As if the devil himself spoke through my mouth and I think it would have served him well to have been told that after what he had done but I'm too polite to do so and I don't like the idea off me acting truly racist. Behind closed doors I couldn't keep myself from it. I'm glad I got rid off it. Finally after so many rotten years. 

The fire in my lungs can't bite the devil on my tongue, oh no- I don't need to be loved by you 

(~Miley Cyrus)