Good evening at the 11th off February, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was changing weather all the time with clouds being replaced by puddles off sunshine outside. It's cold, but this month has it's charm as it seems to have some beautifull moments off sunshine. It's about time the sun showed up. 

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I go through life unemployed ever since last week. 

I have no job at the attelier for people with a disorder anymore since it felt like a bit too much these months. I never had any energy to do it so I quit. I'm lucky to live like I do since I can still keep up and have my life. At first I felt a bit down about being jobless, but it's something not to be concerned with too much anymore, appearently as it goes a bit better compared to the day after I quit. I barely have energy so it was a bit too hard to do it. I live on small governmental wages in a tiny flat and I should let go off being ambitious as it never seems to work out for me, but I'm fine. Maybe it was good to let go off my job as it felt like a burden on my shoulders. Energy, or lack thereoff, is my main concern and I still have de Boed around the corner to have social contacts, coffee and creativity. It's hard to live, but I still get by. 

Today was for baking de Boed a plus size applecrumble tart with dried prunes, almonds and golden raisins. According to my self-taught out selection off ingredients. Amongside apples, offcourse. And it has almond chives in it's crumble topping. It's for their Saturday afternoon coffee moment and I will dust it with icing sugar to finish it off tomorrow. I can play coffee lady tomorrow by serving people coffee from behind the coffee desk. It's fun to do so. I could ask de Boed if I can be a volunteer for serving coffee more often each week aside to my home made treats. 

I decided if a job or daycare for mental people crosses my path and it's within my range off acceptable, I will take it. I don't like to go through life completely unemployed. Serving coffee each week is a nice begining. Life is hard when you run as low on energy as I do. As far as that goes, showing up at de Boed in the morning is a good start and set myself to things. I do hard on that. It's a mental issue called anthedonia, I heard off it before and it hits me quite some times. You want to do something but something inside you refuses to do it and it blocks everything. It's hard. Mental issues are hard to deal with. But this week had a positive side. 

I felt proud off myself for doing well in life. I do good in life when it comes to having my house in order, I eat every day, I groom myself a bit and I bake for people and I love comforting and cheering them up with it. Though it's something small, I felt compete and happy with myself yesterday. I'm almost 30 and I might be mental, but at least I'm not a bad person. I need my space to live and air in my lungs and I can't take on much, but I don't do bad. August 5th I will be 30 years off age. I do my best to cope with a mental disease, and in that proces, I'm not a bad person. 

I'm battling it, still. Previous night was another awfull night off bad sleep and feeling too buisy with thoughts to get to rest. I finally slept around 3.30 and woke up around 11.00 A.M. I had my coffee and spend the rest off the day cleaning the kitchen, baking, and then cleaning the kitchen again while I had help with the rest off my tiny flat. This year they might change my medication to something that isn't fattening. It might help me to loose excess weight and look acceptable again. I hope it will do that and get my mind calm again. I keep on being awake and I'm probably 'used.' to medication that's supposed to keep you calm and get you to sleep. My system would do hard getting used to quiting it and that makes me an addict. I'm not proud off it. I still have this medication for a few years now. Mental medication is quite difficult. There's a chance for me having to get taken in at the mental hospital for changing medication when it gets out off hand. I still decided to do an act off self-love and buy myself a bush off roses. It's allready bloomed but it looked amazing. 

 For a short moment off time, I was mesmerized and in love with the beauty off these soft pink roses. Can something ever look too classy? Barely in my opinion. My house is a bit off a mess, but these roses had their right and time to be in here for a short moment off time. It's important to do these acts off self-appreciation every often.  

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.