Good evening everyone,
Today is bright and sunny but still cold. Still it's a beautifull day with spring in the air.
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Today was for grocery shopping and decorating cupcakes for an activity in the morning at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk. I ate one, and decorated about 6. I was allowed to eat one, and then donated 5 to their coffee moment. They had it for an activity for valentine's day. Usually they don't have anything interesting going on on Monday morning after coffee, but this morning was fun and cozy with my fellow clients. I think I made a few people happy with a nicely decorated cupcake this afternoon.
Except for grocery shopping, my day was pretty boring. Sometimes that has to happen, too. The boring yet functional days where we have to set ourselves to the usefull stuff. Spring is in the air. Maybe it will break through this week, and it really is a good idea to store sweaters for next winter.
Yesterday I had the brilliant idea to send Vana Events a letter. I'm somewhat flipping over what might happen when they read it and the consequences they might perform due to it. It's not good for my mental health and I suffer from it. Still I thought it was worthit to send it. This is a free country after all and I wanted to give them a piece off my mind about some things. I'm crawling back from it, seeing how much damage this fear does to my mental heatlth, and since Vana are respectless biggots, I know I can't expect anything back. Something in me says: 'It's still Vana Events, and it's still a shit driven organisation.' So I think the outcome won't be good and it's been doing damage to me ever since yesterday afternoon. Such tossing and turning and at night I could only sleep after 2.30 AM. The terror. I really shouldn't seek contact with them anymore. Since they're the worst for my mental health. I'm losing it over that letter, and they don't take my feelings serious in this. That is scandalous on it's own. Vana Events is one big shithole and I shouldn't have contacted them, since they respectlessly never respond to anything off me.
But I gave them a piece off my mind, and if I wouldn't be losing it over it, it was almost worthit. But it's terrible to have done so. I die a thousand deaths today. Though most people only see the outside struggle without knowing what's going on the inside. It takes that much off me. Vana has always been the wrong doer in this case. Most off the time I also have that death frigtned feeling over weblogs I wrote about them. I'm frightfull about Vana, still I feel the urge to speak my mind and not let myself being oppressed in a free country. Vana should take it.
Today my imagination went to a container ship, stuck at sea during a cold and unruly February month. The crew and the captain just can't wait to arrive in Rotterdam harbor and deliver the goods packed on the ship, but it's cold at sea and they still have some days to go. They're stuck at sea, despite some springvibes being in the air today. And tomorrow it's Valentine's day and one off the sailor writes a message to his sweetheart. An old-fashioned love letter, but it won't have a chance to be send untill they're at a harbor. A device like a smartphone can easily send a message in time. But that's not romantic and this is supposed to be old fashioned and romantic, yet harsh. (Like being here on Gortershof in boring Zaandijk is harsh and endless for me.) But being stuck at sea during Valentine's day while you have a sweetheart waiting at home probably is a bit harder.
I don't have a sweetheart. I'm 30 years old, but I never had a Valentine's day gift in my entire life. Valentine's day is probably for pretty girls who behave well and sexy. For me it's just the same boring old song like every day. But somehow I choose for it. I don't want to adapt myself to a man, so I'm still single. It comes with the pros that you can say and act as you please, without having to take count off what a man wants. I don't have to spend money on looking pretty, or eat less food in order to fit his gaze. I can go to war with Vana Events whenever I please without having to take it less for a man. I can speak my mind if I want to. My house is a mess and I'm in mental health care. I can do as I please. It's been the reason not to go after feelings in the first place. I don't know what I miss out on, but I also miss out on a lot off damage. Men are not my main purpose in life. But I would have liked a sweetheart this Valentine's day to romance with all day. Just like any girl. But it just did never happen and it seems like it's not ment for me. At February the 15th, I'm probably fine with it again.
Maybe I will go for a cappuccino and some chocolates at the local chocolate shop tomorrow, still to have a little Valentine's day myself. On Wednesday there will be fresh soup again from my hand for the broken heart's club at de Boed, mainly consisting off poor and old fellow clients who don't have a Valentine's day either. A day like Valentine's is cruel for some people when you look at it. But if we would abolish it entirely, we could abolish all holidays so the poor and lonesome won't cut themselves open to it. Luckily most see it as stupid commercialism. But I can't help thinking I'm about to bale about it tomorrow.
Allright, that's about it for now-
Thank you for reading.
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