Good evening everyone,
Today was grey, cold, rainy and muddy weather in the Netherlands. This afternoon there was rainshowers, and in a moment they forecasted thunderstorms.
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Sometimes I feel so bad I think I'm going to die the other day. It's not a fresh subject for a weblog, but it's the truth. Still here I am, surviving another day, another month, another year while my head aches like crazy. I could talk about it all the time, but I think it doesn't lift spirits on the internet when declaring I'm about to die all the time. Which hasn't happened so far- I should believe I'm not going to any time soon. My body feels strong and young like a grown up female bear. Strong and firm like a breeze or a tree. If my head wasn't feeling so bad, I would not have the idea I was about to die all the time. But feeling weak seems like being life at the moment. Usually I ignore the feeling. A person has to pass through the day, and I feel like I can't stand still by that feeling all the time. People off authority are perfectly informed, lately I even had an MRI scan- so that's all they can do for me for now. At least it will be in sight when my brain finaly decides to give in. I live in a small care home in the Netherlands. I'm taken care off and I'm watched. At first I thought I would not make it this long, but still here I am. Years later after it first occured. If only they could do something about that feeling...
Today was for taking it easy. Just coffee, lunch and laying on my bed all afternoon. Drowsy and tired. I have the idea the medication enhighering doesn't hit home. It could do better. But what can they do if enhighering is not the solution? I had a barbecue last night at de Boed, and it was good and cozy and fun. But I felt suspicious all the time about being spied on by secret services and the daily paper. The care office tried to convince me spies are not interested in us, ordinairy people, but somehow I still have that feeling. If you where a spy office, you would watch a care home for safety sake, wouldn't you? I even suspected some off the staff to be former spies. It somehow faded after a night off good sleep. But somehow I still suspect there to be a microphone at the hortensia bush opposite to the building. And you never know about the daily paper.
I long for good news about the crisis and the war in Ukraine. It has taken almost 2 good years, and it's only negativity, inflation, even more price increasement and destruction in Ukraine- I long for something positive to happen to it, despite my intuition knowing there probably won't for a long time. Still, the human being in me with human feelings- longs for light at the end off the tunnel. Something positive, a twist to hold on to so to say. But that's dangerous since this year, we should not cheer too early if at all. That's simply the truth off the day these days. It doesn't do good to our minds.
The most positive about this day for me was probably washing myself in the shower this morning and getting refreshed before starting the day. Other than that, little positivity took place. But I probably needed that long rest.
Allright, that's about it for now-
Thank you for reading.
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