I should re-open my small home restaurant.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's getting windy. Aside from grey and cloudy outside, now branches are swinging in the wind.  

*

Corona seems to be somewhat handled by most governments. I wonder if I have to ask for a QR code when I'm about to ask guests for a small dinner party in my house at my table. I'm good at cooking and making desserts. I think it would be a waste not to use those capabilities and not asking fellow clients and health care staff for dinner every now and then. I think that is a perfect idea to keep me buisy with my favourite hobby and to have something on hand. I have a cozy dining table which wouldn't do bad in a small etablishment and I have capabilities to cook perfect for others. It's just mainly money and grocery shops being so far off that keeps me from doing all that for them. I think it's not a bad idea, though.  I have the capability to make my small home feel like a small restaurant when I'm onto it. 

I also have the inspiration to bring my baking to a next level: Holiday baking. It's a good idea to start learn techniques for holidays and use that to improve my usuall skills. I never thought off baking for holidays, only for the seasons and not even that since a lot off what I bake tastes year round like autumn spices since I use that a lot in my banana cake. My banana cake is famous among people at de Boed. 

Ideas are nice. Bringing them in motion is going to take feeling good again and that is going to be the main challenge this month. I wish feeling depressed actually did get off by eating sweet food rich in calories- but usually that doesn't when you're used to feeling bad and snacking on sweet stuff. Then it's no medicine anymore and then it worsens things since you start to feel guilty if you keep on doing so. I should get over with protected living first before I see myself getting motivated for things again. 

Christmas is not a bad season to start holiday baking and it's only two months ahead. I should give it a try and see where it gets me.   

Good afternoon at the 17th off October, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cloudy and grey but there is no rain so far. 

*

Today is my youngest brother's birthday. I got him some Star Wars merchandise and I have the idea it's well received. Two mandalorian mugs and a doormat with Darth Vader on it. 

This was a good weekend. Much better than when I would have been at home, being bored all the time and surrounded by other clients who are often easily set up. This place does better to me, but I can't burden my family with my disease no matter how badly I'd wanted to. I don't like living in a care home.  

Tomorrow, ordinairy life begins again. I'm forced to go grocery shopping with a care taker who isn't mild on us and who hurries us through the grocery store each time like crazy. I wish I had more choice in shops and time on my hands to decide about it myself and do as I please with grocery shopping. It's just that I'm dependent on them. If they wouldn't take me with, I wouldn't go grocery shopping at all since my location in Zaandijk is far off most shops. It's beautifull, it's touristic and pittoresque, but not practicall. 

I should have never started 'protected living.' in the Zaan area. I should have choosen diffrently from the moment they forced me to. I'm not happy with life but I had no choice. It's a combination off things that makes I'm not happy with it.

I wish I had more options and more chances in daily life as this is not easy. I feel locked up somehow.   

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 16th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and it held a promiss off rain, but there was no rain where I was. 

*

Today was for shopping in Alkmaar. With my mom and my oldest brother. I purchased a table cloth, some cookie cutters, a cookbook about holiday baking, two mascara's on a discount, walnuts and a lot off incense sticks. 

It's been a while since I went to Alkmaar, and went fun shopping so today was a good day for me. It didn't feel hard on me to be on my legs all day. I hope this weekend did well for me, but as far as this goes- it went well. 

I miss Alkmaar when I'm in Zaanstad, I have been to school in Alkmaar and it's shopping area looks like a fairytale compared to where I live now. You can't have everything when you're actually after a place for health care, but the Zaan area lacks soul compared to that and is only fun if you are into old industry places. I have had that issue ever since living there and being onto my personal business in mental health care. I often feel a bit sad about the area where I live. It's hard to get back where I came from. I could tell health care staff about this issue but I don't know what they could actually do for me about that. 

If things would have turned out fine for me, I would have lived and worked in Alkmaar. I'm certain about that. Life would have been so incredibly diffrent for me. I could have worked my way up to the social ladder and I would have loved to have a good career as that was what I was studying for at school. 

I can say at least that people in the Zaan area are a bit nicer and more understanding compared to where I came from. But it's still a pain not to live where I intended to live. I wish to set my best foot forward, despite having trouble and life against me most off the time. 

When getting to the Zaan area, I had the feeling off starting a brand new life away from where I came from with empty pages to fill in. Not everything turned out to be as good as it might have been and I'm still struggling a lot off time, but what keeps me going is my intention to be off help to others. If I would do it purely for my personal cure and mental healing- I would have gone more insane, I can almost say that with certainty. It doesn't help to be in mental health care and most off it mainly sucks. To be honest with you. What does help, is motivation to wish to cook foods for other clients at other places and be helpfull to staff and others. By helping others you help yourself. (This ideal is somewhat taken from a buddhistic wisdom) 

A lot off people won't believe me as all they have seen online was a nasty side off me they couldn't get over with- but I consider them to be childish and stupid. Not me, I set my best foot forward each day and I fight like crazy for both my health and to be a good spirit to others. Those sour old witches (Both male and female) are not to be believed anymore if you ask me. There was no way it could be helped and set right, but it's not my fault and to be honest- it never has been. If they wish to stay stupid and nasty, their bad. Not mine.

You can lie to yourself and your minions 

You can claim that you haven't a qualm 

But you cannot run from nor hide from 

The eyes- The eyes off Notre Dame 

(-Disney's Hunchback off the Notre Dame) 

(Something in my head tells me 'You can.' And it points at Vana's management. Sometimes life is unfair and those off power who should act fair simply don't.) 

I came from a fairytale with high standards to help people who do less in life than me, and to become somewhat more 'healthy.' - as far as that goes. Lately I seem to have a bit more issues with the matter. I do hard getting out off bed in the morning and doing my daily tasks and I wonder what I'm doing it for. What keeps me going and why I shouldn't ask to be re-located to a place more close to my family. My strive is noble, but sometimes it seems like an endless fight and what for? Vana's appreciation? I don't think so anymore. I believe that's a prayer without end so I better don't strive for that. For a clean soul and the mercy off god? Well, that might work but I believe I don't have a bad soul to begin with. For appreciation off others? It works too. They like me. But it's sometimes such an endless fight to do that kind off good to others. I mainly keep my distance nowadays since I have my personal issues to fight with and I'm not such a good friend to others these days. I keep on making soup and baking every often, but that's because I like to do both. I'm not some sort off a psychologist at patient level and it's best not to try to. 

Maybe doing what I do is probably a bit too much for me to take, when having to take count with the surrounding where I live and circumstances that happen a lot there- death people, crime in my surrounding, harsh care takers, daily happenings in psychiatric health, it's never normal or even close to acceptable where I live. I'm not educated to take all off this insanity upon me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good evening at the 15th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a beautifull day for an Autumn day. 

*

Dear you, 

I never expected it too 

Though I may look like a fool 

I mean it heartfull and cool 

I believe I fell in love with you- 

How in the world would that even do? 

In a world which seperates us each day more 

I can finally say- I don't love you anymore 

It's almost fine with me but the spot is still sore 

I'm the one who has opened the door 

I can finally say- I've proven not to be a whore 

I didn't steal you, but thank you therefore 

One persons nightmare is one person's dream 

One another isn't always what it seems 

Love and lust as sweet as a pea 

I can say it wasn't you- it was me 

But here we are, my dark prince charming 

Symptoms to a mental disease so alarming 

I can't help but saying it's over and alright 

I hope my interest in you and my dreams won't make you fight. 

A kiss off goodbye, A spark became light 

I hope this will do, My dark handsome knight 

I wish you all luck, and therefore  - Good night.  

Your admireress, 

Me. 

Vegetable Soup according to me.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was a bright day in Autumn. It was pretty cold but there was no rain outside. Fall promises to become a beautifull season, contrary to Summer and Spring. 

*

My computer still isn't declared safe enough to blog at home. I'm at my parents' house so I believe I can blog for this weekend. 

This week was for perfect 'Groentesoep.' (Translated it means 'vegetable soup.' But when you say this to someone here they know you mean a certain soup prepared according to a Dutch classic receipe. My version contains a lot off herbs and alphabet vermicelli and maybe a hint off extra garlic.) People loved it and it was appreciated big time. Groentesoep is an instant classic succes on a place like 'de Boed.'  

How to prepare my version off Dutch 'Groentesoep.': 

Needed: 

3 / 4  litres off chicken broth from about 6 to 7 cubes or 8 to 9 cubes if you take 4 litres. It's about 1 cube for half a litre and a little extra for more taste. 

A hint off olive oil 

Sellery salt (1 Teaspoon) 

dried Laurel powder (1 teaspoon)

dried Dragon (1 teaspoon)  

1 leave off fresh laurel 

Fresh Thymian  

Oregano (1 teaspoon)  

Salt from a grinder 

Pepper from a grinder  

6 cloves off fresh garlic 

5 medium to big onions 

2 to 3 bags off Soup Vegetables (These come in pre cut amounts in packages and contain a lot off vegetables like leek, culiflower and carots.) 

5 potatoes 

A good amount off soup balls, or make your own meatballs for soup. In my version, this simply requires beef minced meat, pepper and salt and a hint off nutmeg.   

Alphabet Vermicelli (A whole package) 

Preparation:

1. Prepare the garlic with a garlic press, adjust with olive oil and Sellery salt, ordinairy salt and pepper, Dragon, Laurel Powder and oregano to the soup pot. Peel and cut your onions in small pieces and adjust. simmer until soft and fragrance comes from the pot. Then add chicken broth and the Laurel leave and the fresh Thymian. Re-adjust salt and pepper. Taste your broth. If it needs something extra to your personal taste- do so. This is my version for this week, but you can decide to add diffrent herbs.  

2. Peel and cut your potatoes in small pieces. Adjust soup vegetables and the potatoes and bring to a soft brothle. Let brothle for at least three quarters off an hour to one hour. This enhances the taste off everything and it's a kick when everything ends up perfect to taste and hearthy and blends up togheter nice for a cold autumn day. Taste to be certain it's all well and salty enough to your taste. 

3. Adjust soup balls and Alphabet Vermicelli and let brothle untill it's all done. In a large soup pot, this took me half an hour and be sure your soup balls are well done and your vermicelli is soft, and your vegetables and potatoes should be soft.

Bon Apètite!  

Officially, this takes a soup bone being brought to broth for almost a day, and traditionally it should be made off beef broth. But I decided to replace that with chicken broth from cubes. This week, de Boed had me pre made soup balls I didn't have to make myself. (Lucky me. They where good in taste, however) Often I ask to make vegetable soup at weeks where I want to keep it simple to keep myself from having a hard time with Wednesday Soup. At weeks where you know ahead when too much off a thing will be too much, but where you also have to be certain your work will be a succes. That's when I do this soup. Sometimes I also request this at weeks where I can't make soup myself - since mainly everyone knows how to make vegetable soup, though others might make it diffrent. (I was well enough to be at it, but I felt off last week so I had a bad week in mind but I felt well) This week things where without trouble and stress and no complaints about it. 

I'm going to keep it at this, just a receipe for good old Vegetable Soup and I might inform you later on about what's been going on. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

Hector het Lieveheersbeestje (Hector the Ladybug) has cheated on me. NOOOOES!

 Good evening everyone, 

Today went by almost fine. I fixed a pot off sweet potato soup for my family today. It wasn't a spectaculair day, but it went by better than most off my days in psychiatric health. It wasn't rainy and it was nice outside. I decided to stay in all day, however. 

*

Hector the ladybug and his side fantasies are often about a handsome young man with black hair and a wise and loving attitude who is my sidekick and who helps me throughout my delusions. 

Something is off about it. He told me he is sick off waiting for me and he cheated or has almost done that. That's the worst someone can do to me. I'm getting into a state you'd not do to your worst enemie. Let alone someone you love in psychiatric health care. Some days ago, Hector told me he would leave in one off my dreams. He has been shagging someone else according to what he says and I think it's better over between us, though some part off me doesn't want to believe it yet. This is a perfect soil for delusions. 

Hector helped me an incredible lot when I got sick off mister X breaking my hart, he has has left me for someone else either. Hector helped me through hard winters and around the period where I moved houses a few times the previous years. He is so damn cute I'd wish he was real. I don't want all imaginative guys who somewhat look like that to turn out to be just one guy who has been banging someone else. I can't take cheating that well. It makes me mentally sick and violent beyond levels off acceptable. I try never to act out off it. I keep myself from violent acts when feeling so upset. I don't know if I'm a potential danger. I never show any off it to care takers but they are aware off it since I told them a few times I feel delusional because off heartbreak. I believe Hector and it's main energy isn't the love off my life, after all. It's not fair how things like this work. 

If you are a man who is truly into me, you would NEVER even begin to think about the matter of cheating with a mental woman like me. That's just setting up a fire with gasoline. Hector is imaginative. The imaginations off those handsome black haired men are either. I held on to something which turned into something bad afterward. But I have so little in life, a sweet imagination was all I had to help me cope. 

I'm not pointing at the man with the wine mark from Leiden who I never even expected to become so important. I keep my appropriate distance from him because off 'something.' telling me to do so. He is probably taken, and I don't want to get drowned in the web off alternative Leiden. I believed he was the love off my life but I got over with that. I don't even know his name or whereabouts. And maybe he is the source off all that imaginative handsomeness in my brain but I sense something has been going bad and now the energy in my head is onto someone else. NOOOOOOOES! It probably doesn't even excist and I think I should try to escape without trouble from the big strong man in Leiden when he finds out he is the source off a weird insisting weblog like this. I think I'm bringing it a bit too far this way. My luck is that nobody reads this weblog. I think he doesn't even remember me to excist on a daily base, and when he does he probably thinks off that evil brat who stared him down at an event the first time we met. That was NOT a good act off me. (That's what I remember about the first time I saw him. Doing something unpolite to him.) 

I should bring it back to my imagination. In three cases, he is skipping to someone else and I look in the mirror to myself and I just think 'No.' when I think or trying to imagine whetether I can attract a man or not. Some time before, I felt the answer was 'Yes. You could attract a man.' but it's broken somehow. 

I don't know who you are, or if you are even out there for real- but you build me up to break me down these days. That's not fair. How could you even do so? I loved you for years but you're getting away from me. That's not fair. What am I even pointing at? How are imaginative love interests even capable to cheat anyway? In what universe is that possible for someone who doesn't like that idea? Someone who is hyper sensitive for the idea? I should shut it off as soon as possible, - but it's hard. I have been friends and even love interests with that little buddy for years. Since when is it possible for imaginative people to cheat on you? Even my imagination doesn't stay true to me. 

Allright, that's about it for tonight. 

Thank you for reading.        

Make yourself believe you can make a diffrence.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's still cold but it's getting a bit more sunny outside. It's perfect for hot chocolate and a caramel treat off some sort. 

*

My last weblog was to make people think. I wish to make you realise it's never a good idea to overly idealise things you make or set up, but just proove yourself first and then talk realistic about a succes. Then you're not braggin- then you speak the truth which should mainly speak for itself. If you are good at something- perfect. If you are pretentious because you are probably insecure or something else is in the way- bad for you. Don't lie, don't act as if, don't feed your ego as all off this makes you less off a person. 

Simply find what you are good at, and don't over act on the matter. Simply take it down to things that are. Not to things that will never be. Realism keeps you grounded and relatable as a person. 

Sometimes it's hard to find the truth less nice than what you want it to be, but to solve the truth instead off walking away from it in make believe is a diffrent act. If you would solve things instead off being unhappy all the time, that's the way to go. Solve, and become a better person than you where before. Though that might sound hard. Solving life is a hard process. But fighting is better than to sit back and let it happen. 

I think a lot in this world would not be if people would let go off make believe and solve their lives first. If people where less pretentious- what perfect things would actually be. Then we could create a perfect excisting world. 

I don't like people who 'don't care.' about the world and who are as ignorant as a brick about everything. Or those who sky high make themselves unbelievable stupid with narcism and ego tripping. that's not a good thing either. Both are destructive for this planet. 

Speaking off which, I could set myself to being more green and care more for the planet myself. It's hard when you don't want to be cut off off personal comfort like I do, but it's nowadays perfectly possible to live eco friendly and on a good term with the climate. I have been taking this in consideration for some time but the road to it seems impossible if I have to pass it across de Boed, which is a pretty old fashioned place when it comes to that. I'm not really capable to keep it on my own yard either and just do myself what's needed as I need health care for a lot off things and I'm depended on de Boed and Leviaan for my life. I think it's best not to make promises about that since I have to keep promises when making them. I don't believe in half ass work when it comes to promisses. 

I shouldn't bug myself too much with it- promises on the environment and personal ways off taking that in count. I'm not capable, but I believe I have a few points: I don't have a car, I eat from a shared food table so that saves other people on cooking and on waste, I believe in cruelty free care products, I live sober and I'm not planning to have children. (Which saves a few unhappy people from the planet wasting and being unhealthy. My mental disease has a too big chance off being heired and I just can't do it so the answer is no to that.)   

I do have a lot off waste, however, and my electricity use is not low. Though I don't watch TV or listen actively to the radio. I have been planning to listen a bit more to it though since it's more nice to have sound surrounding you than to have a home as quiet as I have. Nothing comes from it actually, I have to put on the radio for example and I barely do that. I need my electricity and machines to feel nice in comfort in my home. I could keep it at this and see what the government comes up with when it comes to green electricity. Maybe in a few years it wouldn't matter to prefer working machines in your home. And warmth in winter is simply a must so I won't put off my heater at any costs. 

If it was up to me, I would eat less meat on a daily basis. I think that is perfectly possible and won't do bad to me. But then again, I'm depended on de Boed for dinner and they are NOT vegetarian, or green. And I'm NOT capable to manage my own household or groceries so far, so that won't happen in the long term, or the short term. I can think off perfect wholesome meals consisting no meat at all and being fun to cook for me and probably good for the planet. I could start with a few home dinners with neighbours and people I like to re-start a fun hobby off mine combined with something good. Cooking and entertaining people in my own home, yet being onto it more vegetarian. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.