Good afternoon at the 16th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and it held a promiss off rain, but there was no rain where I was. 

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Today was for shopping in Alkmaar. With my mom and my oldest brother. I purchased a table cloth, some cookie cutters, a cookbook about holiday baking, two mascara's on a discount, walnuts and a lot off incense sticks. 

It's been a while since I went to Alkmaar, and went fun shopping so today was a good day for me. It didn't feel hard on me to be on my legs all day. I hope this weekend did well for me, but as far as this goes- it went well. 

I miss Alkmaar when I'm in Zaanstad, I have been to school in Alkmaar and it's shopping area looks like a fairytale compared to where I live now. You can't have everything when you're actually after a place for health care, but the Zaan area lacks soul compared to that and is only fun if you are into old industry places. I have had that issue ever since living there and being onto my personal business in mental health care. I often feel a bit sad about the area where I live. It's hard to get back where I came from. I could tell health care staff about this issue but I don't know what they could actually do for me about that. 

If things would have turned out fine for me, I would have lived and worked in Alkmaar. I'm certain about that. Life would have been so incredibly diffrent for me. I could have worked my way up to the social ladder and I would have loved to have a good career as that was what I was studying for at school. 

I can say at least that people in the Zaan area are a bit nicer and more understanding compared to where I came from. But it's still a pain not to live where I intended to live. I wish to set my best foot forward, despite having trouble and life against me most off the time. 

When getting to the Zaan area, I had the feeling off starting a brand new life away from where I came from with empty pages to fill in. Not everything turned out to be as good as it might have been and I'm still struggling a lot off time, but what keeps me going is my intention to be off help to others. If I would do it purely for my personal cure and mental healing- I would have gone more insane, I can almost say that with certainty. It doesn't help to be in mental health care and most off it mainly sucks. To be honest with you. What does help, is motivation to wish to cook foods for other clients at other places and be helpfull to staff and others. By helping others you help yourself. (This ideal is somewhat taken from a buddhistic wisdom) 

A lot off people won't believe me as all they have seen online was a nasty side off me they couldn't get over with- but I consider them to be childish and stupid. Not me, I set my best foot forward each day and I fight like crazy for both my health and to be a good spirit to others. Those sour old witches (Both male and female) are not to be believed anymore if you ask me. There was no way it could be helped and set right, but it's not my fault and to be honest- it never has been. If they wish to stay stupid and nasty, their bad. Not mine.

You can lie to yourself and your minions 

You can claim that you haven't a qualm 

But you cannot run from nor hide from 

The eyes- The eyes off Notre Dame 

(-Disney's Hunchback off the Notre Dame) 

(Something in my head tells me 'You can.' And it points at Vana's management. Sometimes life is unfair and those off power who should act fair simply don't.) 

I came from a fairytale with high standards to help people who do less in life than me, and to become somewhat more 'healthy.' - as far as that goes. Lately I seem to have a bit more issues with the matter. I do hard getting out off bed in the morning and doing my daily tasks and I wonder what I'm doing it for. What keeps me going and why I shouldn't ask to be re-located to a place more close to my family. My strive is noble, but sometimes it seems like an endless fight and what for? Vana's appreciation? I don't think so anymore. I believe that's a prayer without end so I better don't strive for that. For a clean soul and the mercy off god? Well, that might work but I believe I don't have a bad soul to begin with. For appreciation off others? It works too. They like me. But it's sometimes such an endless fight to do that kind off good to others. I mainly keep my distance nowadays since I have my personal issues to fight with and I'm not such a good friend to others these days. I keep on making soup and baking every often, but that's because I like to do both. I'm not some sort off a psychologist at patient level and it's best not to try to. 

Maybe doing what I do is probably a bit too much for me to take, when having to take count with the surrounding where I live and circumstances that happen a lot there- death people, crime in my surrounding, harsh care takers, daily happenings in psychiatric health, it's never normal or even close to acceptable where I live. I'm not educated to take all off this insanity upon me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.