Good afternoon at the 8th off October, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's been misty this morning at this block but the day ended cold yet sunny. It's bright and blue outside but it's cold. No chances for summer weather anymore as far as I can see. 

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Warning: A rant. 

My actions got blocked by medication when I'm having trouble with my brain. That's how anti-psychotics work. Today so far I have been moving myself from the dining table to the couch and from the couch to the computer. I had been intending to do more today, some groceries maybe- but I just couldn't do it somehow and it made me bail. I'm lucky my mom's husband will cook for us this evening. Today was a market in the centre off this town, I just- couldn't do it. I have been actively training my jaws by eating a package off cookies from IKEA's- I'll get in trouble when my family finds out I ate them. It's all I do when feeling like that: drinking large amounts off coffee and eating overly sugared foods leading to being even more obese but just- sitting in one place. It's a waste off my life if I do that. I understand somehow why I'm in a care home. 

I don't do much, I can't set myself to do much. Still- being here feels nice so even to sit on the couch all day and eating scrumptious cookies is fun and feels like a small vocation compared to where I live. It's light and the place is bigger and it's more green and a bit more wide outside. 

Maybe I just do that to regain energy from a heavy day to day life. Maybe I'm not lazy today. I just have to mention I took half a medication more than usuall since I need that to sleep well at night when I'm here. It's probably been medication then. I don't know if I could spend a month like this without getting into fights over doing nothing all day and just eating their foods. I could think pre to that and take my own snacks so it won't be a burden to them. I'm free to drink coffee since everyone usually drinks a lot off it here. 

I know the term 'Anthedonia.' Is a thing among psychiatric patients off all kinds and it names the state off being where you can't set yourself to things you wish to do. I have the idea it's also an issue in me somehow- wishing to do more than what I actually do. I missed an opportunity to visit a market! That's not to my liking. Well, at least I take that anthedonia thing with coffee and snacks, otherwise I wouldn't do anything in a day. It's not a good idea to do so, though. Antipsychoticums already are fattening enough as they are. It's a bad thing to enlarge that problem by taking snacks and coffee while you do nothing. When being here I realize why I'm a psychiatric patient. I haven't mentioned a delusion today but it wasn't an enriching 'take everything out off life while you can.' - kind off day. 

 I expect tomorrow not to be grandiose either. I don't know what I'm to do about it. If I knew I probably wouldn't live in a care home and wouldn't be so incredibly obese. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.