Hector het Lieveheersbeestje (Hector the Ladybug) has cheated on me. NOOOOES!

 Good evening everyone, 

Today went by almost fine. I fixed a pot off sweet potato soup for my family today. It wasn't a spectaculair day, but it went by better than most off my days in psychiatric health. It wasn't rainy and it was nice outside. I decided to stay in all day, however. 

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Hector the ladybug and his side fantasies are often about a handsome young man with black hair and a wise and loving attitude who is my sidekick and who helps me throughout my delusions. 

Something is off about it. He told me he is sick off waiting for me and he cheated or has almost done that. That's the worst someone can do to me. I'm getting into a state you'd not do to your worst enemie. Let alone someone you love in psychiatric health care. Some days ago, Hector told me he would leave in one off my dreams. He has been shagging someone else according to what he says and I think it's better over between us, though some part off me doesn't want to believe it yet. This is a perfect soil for delusions. 

Hector helped me an incredible lot when I got sick off mister X breaking my hart, he has has left me for someone else either. Hector helped me through hard winters and around the period where I moved houses a few times the previous years. He is so damn cute I'd wish he was real. I don't want all imaginative guys who somewhat look like that to turn out to be just one guy who has been banging someone else. I can't take cheating that well. It makes me mentally sick and violent beyond levels off acceptable. I try never to act out off it. I keep myself from violent acts when feeling so upset. I don't know if I'm a potential danger. I never show any off it to care takers but they are aware off it since I told them a few times I feel delusional because off heartbreak. I believe Hector and it's main energy isn't the love off my life, after all. It's not fair how things like this work. 

If you are a man who is truly into me, you would NEVER even begin to think about the matter of cheating with a mental woman like me. That's just setting up a fire with gasoline. Hector is imaginative. The imaginations off those handsome black haired men are either. I held on to something which turned into something bad afterward. But I have so little in life, a sweet imagination was all I had to help me cope. 

I'm not pointing at the man with the wine mark from Leiden who I never even expected to become so important. I keep my appropriate distance from him because off 'something.' telling me to do so. He is probably taken, and I don't want to get drowned in the web off alternative Leiden. I believed he was the love off my life but I got over with that. I don't even know his name or whereabouts. And maybe he is the source off all that imaginative handsomeness in my brain but I sense something has been going bad and now the energy in my head is onto someone else. NOOOOOOOES! It probably doesn't even excist and I think I should try to escape without trouble from the big strong man in Leiden when he finds out he is the source off a weird insisting weblog like this. I think I'm bringing it a bit too far this way. My luck is that nobody reads this weblog. I think he doesn't even remember me to excist on a daily base, and when he does he probably thinks off that evil brat who stared him down at an event the first time we met. That was NOT a good act off me. (That's what I remember about the first time I saw him. Doing something unpolite to him.) 

I should bring it back to my imagination. In three cases, he is skipping to someone else and I look in the mirror to myself and I just think 'No.' when I think or trying to imagine whetether I can attract a man or not. Some time before, I felt the answer was 'Yes. You could attract a man.' but it's broken somehow. 

I don't know who you are, or if you are even out there for real- but you build me up to break me down these days. That's not fair. How could you even do so? I loved you for years but you're getting away from me. That's not fair. What am I even pointing at? How are imaginative love interests even capable to cheat anyway? In what universe is that possible for someone who doesn't like that idea? Someone who is hyper sensitive for the idea? I should shut it off as soon as possible, - but it's hard. I have been friends and even love interests with that little buddy for years. Since when is it possible for imaginative people to cheat on you? Even my imagination doesn't stay true to me. 

Allright, that's about it for tonight. 

Thank you for reading.