Mourning feels like it's over - as far as that goes.

 Good evening everyone, 

The sky is clear, the evening is cold. It's time for some silly story untold. 

*

I had a long period off time, starting around 2018, where I was in mourning over things that happened in life and life in general. I somehow feel a bit better now. I don't know why. Probably something inside has caught up on me living a peacefull life in a safe home without a lot off trouble and finally understood it was done with all nastyness from behind years. It took me 4 years. 4 long years off getting over with that grief. I mourned and felt sad in general. 

It's clearing up inside my head when it comes to sad feelings. I have grown about 30 kilograms these years from both medication and loving to eat. Combined with depression (Food soothes.) it worked lame on my figure. 

I'm becomming vain again, or more to say: aware that I would like my face to be groomed and my body to be clean. It doesn't require make-up at all, but a face that's no longer at half point seven before I go out the door, and cleanliness is next to godliness- I believe in it again. I wish for something I don't have to be ashamed off and can show up with in public. Depression made me ignore hygiene but I wish to look and feel clean and taken care off again. I'm not going to make it a lifestyle to be unwashed. 

Today I helped with the dessert at dinner time at de Boed. They are no longer allowed to give us anything but yoghurt and fruit for dessert. It's up to them how to fill that in. I helped the person who made dessert by preparing applepie filling without sugar but sweetened with honey. It was a good dessert combined with yoghurt and as far as this goes, it requests more creativity from staff to make fruit and yoghurt a good match than 'vla.' or pre packed ice cream cones.. We had someone giving us Greek yoghurt with honey and walnuts for dessert- A beloved classic. I was a bit weary off the idea, but now I'm rather fond off the way people fill it in. Healthy yet tasty, I'm pro now. Today I baked them apples brought to taste with spices and honey in the oven and let them serve it with yoghurt for sunday dessert. (No sugar adjusted.) The entire building smelled amazing and it was a good idea. 

I have plans for a next 'level up.' But that probably requires expensive fruits I can make some sort off mosaic from. I've seen that idea somewhere: A woman cutting two shades off dragonfruit, mango and kiwi in almost cut teal like shards and dolling up tarts with it as if it where a mosaic. We could do something alike with our desserts. But as far as expensive goes- I just can think off 'peaches.' But I suppose they're out off season in October. 

Maybe baked plums out off the oven, or fruits brought to a point where they reveal juices to mix with the yoghurt when adjusted to a bowl would be a good idea. Stewed pears would be magical, but they're eaten here as a part off the main dish at times. I wonder if I'm allowed granola or muesli and build up a see through cup with layers off fruit, yoghurt and muesli for the idea off a parfait. So far, fresh peaches with a squeeze off honey would be perfect and to my personal taste. But I have to work with what's on hand now. I have the feeling yoghurt with fruit does well to everyone on diffrent levels, and is much better than ice cream cones all the time.  

Allright, that's about it- Thank you for reading.     

Good evening at the 24th off October, 2021.

Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunny yet cold and it wasn't such a bad day for a Sunday in Autumn. 

*

I coloured an image from a colouring book for adults some weeks ago, and today it's time to show it to the world: 

It's something I found at de Boed, community centre in Zaandijk among their colouring books, and I coloured it in with their pencils. Sometimes talent/ skills don't need expensive materials to work out well. I colour with what I can find at de Boed most off the time. I think it looks bright, lively and it has it's way with depth I always adjust to images like this. It's a fun way to spend an afternoon, and it helps while you have to deal with issues in psychiatric health. Like I have explained before. Mandala's and colouring books are everywhere at those places. They like to keep you buisy / set off your mind that way. Somehow it works, and along the way I became a bit more skilled in coulouring. (I'm in psychiatric health for 10 years next year.) I wrote my name on it so the image in that public colouring book was obviously mine and people understood I wanted to come back to it later. It's not very sensible to do so, but my work survived and I finished it. 

I finished another work lately but that became runny (I used markers on it) since I spilled water on it. I'm not content with it either so I probably won't show you. It's been a pity waste to have been onto that. 

Today was for walnut-coffee cake with the right amount off coffee in it, and not spoiled on the floor like with the previous one. I handed it out to de Boed and people loved it during coffee time. They always ask me to publish a cookbook, but I'd probably get in trouble with copyright for that. I just have my receipes from cookbooks and authors I don't want to fight with. I mainly don't come up with them myself, I only practice them pretty well most off the time. I don't have a picture off it, because it looked like my first attempt. I even served it on the same plate. It just tasted a bit more moist and coffee-like.

 Like this. 

My receipe comes from the book Masterclass Cakes- Rutger van den Broek  

(In Dutch only)

I should hand them (Those who request all the time) out where to find my receipes. I don't want to get in trouble for stealing. 

Tomorrow is for grocery shopping. This week will be Halloween. It's not something old fashioned old people who are easily set off are fond off, so de Boed will probably let it pass in silence. It's never been a thing in the Netherlands untill recently. I wish to take note off it, however- I would like to bake something Halloween like and dress up as a pretty looking Witch for that day. I don't know how the others will react and I have to dig up my costume from moving boxes. I talked it over with staff and they thought it was fine with them to do something for Halloween so I moved some off the younger staff to do something with it.. I'm singing 'Halloween Halloween Halloween ween ween Halloween ween ween Halloween ween ween.' out loud in my own home all the time, and I feel like I want to do something with it. (To be continued.)   

Mentally I could do better. I have side delusions most off the time in the evening just before medication and they often find me a bit on the mad side at the medication office. I believe I have a bit off a hand on myself as long as I notice. But it's hard and being tired makes it even harder to keep a hand on myself when it comes to mental problems. It's more easy to loose grip. I decided to take a whole Lorazepame again instead off skipping a half and trying to build off medication. It doesn't work for me to stay stable without medication these days. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe I'm just doing hard 'just because' these days. I have no clear reason for it. Life in autumn is cold and tiresome. It's nice and cozy but people's system have to work harder these months to keep on track. And then there is that stupid nasty feeling in my head which sometimes comes up and makes me dizzy with madness and then fades. 'something.' doesn't work well and it's hard to explain. (To staff. It's hard explaining them what exactly my problem is but it's a feeling inside my head close to some sort off a cramp.) I've had this for years and it's not easy living with it. I wish to grow at least 90 years off age, but sometimes it feels so hard I doubt I might live the next morning. It's hard to believe I might grow even 50 with it but I don't want to insist on scary things like that to my readers in every post as that is not nice to be pointed at all the time. I want to grow old, don't understand me wrong. My quality off life is still very good despite having this issue. It's still fun to be around. It's just not easy. It's probably uneasy to hear me complaining about this all the time but I have no other way to describe it: 'Hard in my head and it feels like I'm going to die.' 

Tomorrow might be for more content, 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.     

 

I may seem lucky, but I have to suffer each day

 Good evening everyone, 

Autumn and cold are a fact these days in the Netherlands, it's just that I hope there will be snow this year. Not for too long, but a small blizzard here and there won't be a bad thing in January or February. It makes being in your home a cozy thing. 

*

The market for homes for starters is overflowing with people who can't have a starter home, and even more so- with refugees who are fled from a war country and now are begging for us to take them in. And here I am, fat, handicapped, unemployed me who has a small flat and all basic needs in order. It might seem unfair to you and even jealouse making- but I suffer from Schizophrenia and this is protected living, both for my own good and for those in the outside world I don't want to hurt. Hell breaks loose if I have to live life all by myself and I just can't do it. I take heavy medicines and if I'm not a drugged zombie, I'm an agressive werewolf out off controll so for safety sake I have to be here. 

Who could have expected that our modern world would ever go this insane? My standard off living, Jealouse making towards others? Mother off God, You won't believe it. Sick as a dog, poor and filthy, on an income that doesn't fluctuates with the market. If the market for homes ever gets better, you might look at yourselves and think: 'Have I been jealouse off this all the time?' And your life will probably be a thousand times better than mine, income, living, family, friends and relationships, property- everything. And I will still be the poor idiot I've always been. So don't be jealouse but strengthen your back. I'm not how you want it to be after all. That's not realistic. The market for homes is not realistic and it changes by periods off time. 

It's hard but I still believe someone who has to spend their lives with their parents untill 50 is better off than me. I suffer each evening during dinner time with fellow clients from their fights and bad foods. I have to live carefully each day and I keep distance from potential friends and love to keep myself and them from getting hurt. I have my freedom and my own place, but I have to bleed for it on another level. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.   

Good evening at the 20th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold, gloomy and cloudy and it's a thing to notice that it's still officially Autumn in the Netherlands. The only diffrence with summer is the temperatures. Aside from rainy it happens to be cold. 

*

I have to take half a Lorazepame extra each evening to keep myself from getting out off my mind. I felt too unstable to continue medication enlowering. My face and body look somewhat blown up because it's fattening and makes you look like you have no emotions at all, but everything is better than to continue the way it was previous time. With a little luck and green tea I try to re-liven my face. Sometimes it's all liquid that piles up in your body thanks to anti-psychoticums. I bet I won't get rid off my troubles, though. It's a good idea to stay hydrated and keep body fluids flowing, however. But this may sound a bit gross to some. 

I think somewhere I stopped to care- about my face, my skincare, my hair, I don't do much anymore to keep myself looking - acceptable.-  except from basic hygiene and the most necessairy. I'm lucky we have a volunteer beauty expert at de Boed who cuts my hair, but the way I take care off it - doesn't help making me pretty on a daily base. I only wash and brush. It's a bit shamefull to rant about this. The good news I can share with you all out there, is that I've taken interest in bold coloured, nice looking socks. Happy Socks from the nation's cheapest provider in all kinds off textiles but I. Love. Them. 

If a forum requests 'what kind off socks do you wear?' I won't answer with the standard cliché off 'plain black socks.' No Mister. I wear my socks pretty and loud. It was one off the standard cliché questions on plenty off Fantasy Internet Fora back in the day. 'What colour are your socks?' Maybe I'm this fanatic about it because off that. The bolder and the prettier printed the better. Today is for blue socks with festive dots in diffrent colours, and lighter blue coloured toes and heels. Oh woe the witch that dares to destruct my Happy Socks. Happy Socks, Happy Feet- Socks are a relief to cold feet in autumn and winter. (Available at Zeeman.) 

So, I look a bit ungroomed, except for my nice socks. I'm comming to think off the song 'Don't step on my Blue Suede Shoes.' By Elvis because off them. I wear my socks in basic black walking shoes, suitable for any occasion and long walks. 

So, I wear fancy socks and I drink pretty expensive green tea a lot. I'm also still a soup chef every week. Today's Wednesday Soup was for Tomato Soup with meatballs from cookbook 'de Soepbijbel' (The Soup Bible) which turned out looking more orange than a nice tomato shade off red. But nevertless got appreciated by my audience. I roasted my tomatoes before adjusting them. That's the big high point off today. Preparing soup took a lot off energy so I took my rest for the rest off the day. I changed my shirt after soup making and then laid on my bed the rest off the day untill dinner. I have little energy due to medication.   

Life is hard. It gets by a bit boring but to keep on track without falling is a challenge on it's own. 

I lack inspiration for more news on this weblog, so that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.        

I should re-open my small home restaurant.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's getting windy. Aside from grey and cloudy outside, now branches are swinging in the wind.  

*

Corona seems to be somewhat handled by most governments. I wonder if I have to ask for a QR code when I'm about to ask guests for a small dinner party in my house at my table. I'm good at cooking and making desserts. I think it would be a waste not to use those capabilities and not asking fellow clients and health care staff for dinner every now and then. I think that is a perfect idea to keep me buisy with my favourite hobby and to have something on hand. I have a cozy dining table which wouldn't do bad in a small etablishment and I have capabilities to cook perfect for others. It's just mainly money and grocery shops being so far off that keeps me from doing all that for them. I think it's not a bad idea, though.  I have the capability to make my small home feel like a small restaurant when I'm onto it. 

I also have the inspiration to bring my baking to a next level: Holiday baking. It's a good idea to start learn techniques for holidays and use that to improve my usuall skills. I never thought off baking for holidays, only for the seasons and not even that since a lot off what I bake tastes year round like autumn spices since I use that a lot in my banana cake. My banana cake is famous among people at de Boed. 

Ideas are nice. Bringing them in motion is going to take feeling good again and that is going to be the main challenge this month. I wish feeling depressed actually did get off by eating sweet food rich in calories- but usually that doesn't when you're used to feeling bad and snacking on sweet stuff. Then it's no medicine anymore and then it worsens things since you start to feel guilty if you keep on doing so. I should get over with protected living first before I see myself getting motivated for things again. 

Christmas is not a bad season to start holiday baking and it's only two months ahead. I should give it a try and see where it gets me.   

Good afternoon at the 17th off October, 2021.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is cloudy and grey but there is no rain so far. 

*

Today is my youngest brother's birthday. I got him some Star Wars merchandise and I have the idea it's well received. Two mandalorian mugs and a doormat with Darth Vader on it. 

This was a good weekend. Much better than when I would have been at home, being bored all the time and surrounded by other clients who are often easily set up. This place does better to me, but I can't burden my family with my disease no matter how badly I'd wanted to. I don't like living in a care home.  

Tomorrow, ordinairy life begins again. I'm forced to go grocery shopping with a care taker who isn't mild on us and who hurries us through the grocery store each time like crazy. I wish I had more choice in shops and time on my hands to decide about it myself and do as I please with grocery shopping. It's just that I'm dependent on them. If they wouldn't take me with, I wouldn't go grocery shopping at all since my location in Zaandijk is far off most shops. It's beautifull, it's touristic and pittoresque, but not practicall. 

I should have never started 'protected living.' in the Zaan area. I should have choosen diffrently from the moment they forced me to. I'm not happy with life but I had no choice. It's a combination off things that makes I'm not happy with it.

I wish I had more options and more chances in daily life as this is not easy. I feel locked up somehow.   

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good afternoon at the 16th off October, 2021.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cloudy and it held a promiss off rain, but there was no rain where I was. 

*

Today was for shopping in Alkmaar. With my mom and my oldest brother. I purchased a table cloth, some cookie cutters, a cookbook about holiday baking, two mascara's on a discount, walnuts and a lot off incense sticks. 

It's been a while since I went to Alkmaar, and went fun shopping so today was a good day for me. It didn't feel hard on me to be on my legs all day. I hope this weekend did well for me, but as far as this goes- it went well. 

I miss Alkmaar when I'm in Zaanstad, I have been to school in Alkmaar and it's shopping area looks like a fairytale compared to where I live now. You can't have everything when you're actually after a place for health care, but the Zaan area lacks soul compared to that and is only fun if you are into old industry places. I have had that issue ever since living there and being onto my personal business in mental health care. I often feel a bit sad about the area where I live. It's hard to get back where I came from. I could tell health care staff about this issue but I don't know what they could actually do for me about that. 

If things would have turned out fine for me, I would have lived and worked in Alkmaar. I'm certain about that. Life would have been so incredibly diffrent for me. I could have worked my way up to the social ladder and I would have loved to have a good career as that was what I was studying for at school. 

I can say at least that people in the Zaan area are a bit nicer and more understanding compared to where I came from. But it's still a pain not to live where I intended to live. I wish to set my best foot forward, despite having trouble and life against me most off the time. 

When getting to the Zaan area, I had the feeling off starting a brand new life away from where I came from with empty pages to fill in. Not everything turned out to be as good as it might have been and I'm still struggling a lot off time, but what keeps me going is my intention to be off help to others. If I would do it purely for my personal cure and mental healing- I would have gone more insane, I can almost say that with certainty. It doesn't help to be in mental health care and most off it mainly sucks. To be honest with you. What does help, is motivation to wish to cook foods for other clients at other places and be helpfull to staff and others. By helping others you help yourself. (This ideal is somewhat taken from a buddhistic wisdom) 

A lot off people won't believe me as all they have seen online was a nasty side off me they couldn't get over with- but I consider them to be childish and stupid. Not me, I set my best foot forward each day and I fight like crazy for both my health and to be a good spirit to others. Those sour old witches (Both male and female) are not to be believed anymore if you ask me. There was no way it could be helped and set right, but it's not my fault and to be honest- it never has been. If they wish to stay stupid and nasty, their bad. Not mine.

You can lie to yourself and your minions 

You can claim that you haven't a qualm 

But you cannot run from nor hide from 

The eyes- The eyes off Notre Dame 

(-Disney's Hunchback off the Notre Dame) 

(Something in my head tells me 'You can.' And it points at Vana's management. Sometimes life is unfair and those off power who should act fair simply don't.) 

I came from a fairytale with high standards to help people who do less in life than me, and to become somewhat more 'healthy.' - as far as that goes. Lately I seem to have a bit more issues with the matter. I do hard getting out off bed in the morning and doing my daily tasks and I wonder what I'm doing it for. What keeps me going and why I shouldn't ask to be re-located to a place more close to my family. My strive is noble, but sometimes it seems like an endless fight and what for? Vana's appreciation? I don't think so anymore. I believe that's a prayer without end so I better don't strive for that. For a clean soul and the mercy off god? Well, that might work but I believe I don't have a bad soul to begin with. For appreciation off others? It works too. They like me. But it's sometimes such an endless fight to do that kind off good to others. I mainly keep my distance nowadays since I have my personal issues to fight with and I'm not such a good friend to others these days. I keep on making soup and baking every often, but that's because I like to do both. I'm not some sort off a psychologist at patient level and it's best not to try to. 

Maybe doing what I do is probably a bit too much for me to take, when having to take count with the surrounding where I live and circumstances that happen a lot there- death people, crime in my surrounding, harsh care takers, daily happenings in psychiatric health, it's never normal or even close to acceptable where I live. I'm not educated to take all off this insanity upon me. 

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.