Good evening at the 30th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was sunshine changing with clouds, and it was cold. 

*

I have a thought I would like to share with you tonight: 

Despite it being a crisis and people growing poor, I think we shouldn't be selfish and live for ourselves when we can, and still be a light in the darkness that surrounds us and be off help for people if we can. Especially in these times, it's important to be there, lend a hand and share with your friends & surrounding. If we take it 'everypony for ourselves.' That's not going to help in the long turn. Sharing is going to help. Everyone is going through hard times and does hard with their bills and groceries. These are not the times for self-pity and nasty behaviour so you will be the last one standing. It would show so much more character if you would stay strong and share. 

I myself donate bottles off care products in a give-away closet down the hall. Whenever I buy a multipack off stuff for cheap, I don't mind giving away a tube off toothpaste or a bottle off shampoo for example. I even give away laundry wash and softner from a good brand in that give-away closet, for those who need it. And I'm planning to bake de Boed stuff and give that away for free as long as I can afford, and I make them soup (With their ingredients) every week. Baking is getting expensive, still I can share it. I haven't been baking this entire month due to my broken ankle. The last thing I made them was an expensive MonChou cake. I think I won't buy items on a purpose for a baking anymore, but work with what I got on the shelves and re-fill that every often. As soon as I can stand on my feet again in the kitchen. My bakings are missed by them and I got often asked when I will bake again. Soon, my audience, soon... 

But you probably got the idea: don't be selfish during these times. Isn't it a religious law in almost every religion that you will receive what you give away? What goes around comes around. Wheter that be bad, or something good... Most modern people should get the right mindset before they start to share. But if you always have been poor, like me, you probably know or feel it's good to donate to those who need it. (If not, you should re-consider it.) And gratefullness sure is a great reward. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading. 

Good evening at the 29th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was the perfect sunny fall day with sunshine and pretty autumn lights. 

*

Yesterday was for preparing perfect vegetable soup, and the entire pot was empty. I made four litres off soup, but de Boed is usually crowdy when I make soup, and all off them wanted to be there again when I peformed my act and have a bowl or two off it. They really wanted a bowl off my 'return off the Soupqueen.' soup. (I got nicknamed 'The Soupqueen'.) It makes me proud I have been keeping up with it for two years now. I could perfectly manage to stand on my feet while preparing the soup. After a while they made me sit down because they thought I was on my feet for too long, but my foot didn't hurt at all. I believe the Soupqueen really has returned this week, for more fresh comforting soup for my loving crowd. It's such a compliment to be that appreciated each week. 

I got the advice from a caretaker to ignore the news. I really got upset with all the news about the war and the economy these months and it's a real life event. It's not something just in my mind and it stresses me out to think off it. Stress is killing for mental patients. It's about subjects I'm sensitive about: war, and poverty. Poverty has been a trauma off mine I was almost over with, and now entire Europe has to deal with it. Including me. Groceries where expensive this week and I'm on governmental wages since I'm permanently mentally sick. My wages are increasing in November, due to the national plan to safe people from getting bankrupt.

 It's just that this is drama and pain over old wounds and even more wounds on top off it. When I was young I wasn't already allowed to live in a warm home because off the energy bill, and now it repeats itself. Still it somewhat feels as if I have been prepared for this situation my entire life. I'm not rolling in the deep like most people. I haven't been a rich teen in my youth since I could never manage to find a job, still I saved money with the little income I had. I remember classmates showing off what they bought on their weekly shopping trips, about cars they owned or vacations they had been on, wearing tons off expensive clothes and make-up. And then there was ordinairy poor old me who had only one pair off boots, an old Eastpack instead off a fancy handbag and no phone at all. I barely wore make-up back in the days because that was too expensive. I still don't wear foundation on a daily base and I used to be more fat than they where. Because the entire school was superficial, I got called a 'pot.'  ('Lesbian.') by some. I also used to wear cheap glasses. I know what it's like when other people have more than you do and when that hurts. Out off rebellion, I prefered comfy sweaters and easy going clothes over what they wore. Which even insisted more off me being a lesbian. Untill after traineeship at the government I got considered ugly by most.  

I try to avoid being a show off with what I still do have to people who are doing even worse than me. Nowadays I still don't wear expensive clothes or big brands, I do have a lot compared to the average person here, but compared to people from back in the days it's still not much. But this is a workers city build on the blood and sweat off ordinairy people, with a heart off gold. It's not much off the glamour off the city I went to school and the village I used to live. Most people here are poor, have health problems but they lend you a hand when you need them. And probably do very hard with the groceries and the energy bills. 

To avoid sticking out their eyes, I try not to look too expensive when it comes to appearance. I own a wardrobe full off clothes perfect for a repeat this year, I don't wear make-up on a daily base, my hair is undyed and I do my own manicures with nailpolish that's still 'on the shelves.' Every often I wear a mascara and a nude lipstick when I feel like it, but that's mainly about it these days. I simply can't set myself to more. I do try to be clean and washed, and I decided to wear a rich skincream against winterface this year and a nice lipbalm. Still that's about it and I only pluck my browbone and make sure my chin is shaved off unwanted hairs. I own one scent that's my favourite which I wear all the time, but that's it when it comes to scents. Still, people think I come off as a whole lot off something. 

I've learned about beauty it sometimes depends on where you are and who you ask how they see you. I still own more than what I show off to people but I'm fine with that since I slack at beauty, but I also don't want to give the impression off a painted doll who thinks she is more than them. That would be inappropriate for this place. Still, despite it all, They say I have 'such a nice face.' which says something about my natural beauty in their eyes. But I'm lucky with that. The norm for female patients is little to no make-up. I have a major depression about my looks and I slack with it, and now I don't I simply refuse to wear make-up every day. So it's no big deal for me. I got a bit outside the book with nailpolish this evening. But I still had it in my drawer, so it hasn't been a recent investment. I think I can get away with it, since they polish their nails at de Boed, too. (They have a basket with nailpolish with shared bottles off nailpolish which is applied by a caretaker if they have time for it. It's something most off them are gratefull for. ) Going round with nailpolish isn't over the top luxury, despite it to be my own. I hope to look nice and pretty on an acceptable level. Which is moderate when you go to de Boed. (I only go to de Boed these days, or grocery shopping with the shopping van. I don't go anywhere else with what I've got) No make-up has become something I'm very comfortable with ever since I stopped wearing it daily. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.         

Good morning at the 27th off September, 2022.

 Good morning everyone, 

Today is grey and rainy. It's your typicall autumn weather with lots off rain and puddles on the ground. 

*

Yesterday I was thinking off a fan off this weblog and I believe it was delusional. At first he had a cute appearance, but then transformed into an Animaniac (From that TV show) and made me believe it was delusional, (I don't think Animaniacs read this weblog) despite I like the idea off fans off this weblog, not the ones in my delusions, but the real ones who read this blog. I appreciate you all, though I don't know if you excist. 

Aside a ton off nastyness I have to go through, I have to take it economical this month since I wish to safe money on my pay account. Groceries where expensive this week, And I have a limit to myself to which I'm allowed to spend money on fun things. I'm a bit over that limit so I have to be sober for these weeks. I'm common sensed with money most off the time. It's hard to safe with groceries being so expensive, but somehow I manage to do so despite it all though it goes slow. Healthy finances are important. My finances are healthy, but I wish to restore the limit I set myself on my pay account for now. Nobody has money nowadays, so if you manage to safe it, you are a true hero. 

I foresee the crisis to end some day. It might take a few years, but it will all be over once and Christmas won't hurt so much in our wallets anymore. But it can take five years from now before that happens. Nothing lasts forever, and so does this crisis. It just can feel incredibly long and heavy. I just hope the government can bear the costs for all that time. And things won't increase too much in price. This year we have to be sober and use our creativity to make something good out off winter, though. 

I don't have the chance to go shopping or make sweet treats for this period due to my foot. It's just very rainy instead off a cozy fall period but I truly feel gratefull it's the end off the drought off this summer. I'm not faking it when I say I'm really thankfull it rains. And my crankyness is fading. Nature needs this rain. I still love rain, despite it being rainy for quite some time now. 

Soon there will be three more cooking bibles out. The chicken bible, the dessert bible, (I have been looking forward to that one) and the grill bible. Aside to that I have set my mind on an applepie book. (I collect cookbooks for a hobby.) I have to set aside money for that. Three cookbooks, and they have all increased in price. I wish to complete the cooking bible series. And collect more cool cookbooks since it's fun to have them and to collect them. But it's a hobby which requires money. Preparing foods from those cookbooks also requires money nowadays. But I think it's a good idea to invite my caretakers for a home dinner and play restaurant with them. I haven't had guests for a home dinner for a long time since my friend who I did that with died. It's been two years now. I could try to re-open my home restaurant for guests. So to say, as long as I can afford the groceries for it. 

I can't also stand on my feet for too long for a baking. It's a waste off eggs which spoil in my refridgerator for me not baking these weeks, and people requesting it all the time. It sure is missed at de Boed for me to bake.

This month I keep up with my Wednesday Soup for two years. This week will be for an easy Dutch Vegetable soup, which everyone loves and which is a classic. I will try if I can stand on my feet that long in a kitchen so I can prepare soup again each Wednesday. I couldn't celebrate in the actuall week it's been two years, unfortunately. But it's been two years and Wednesday I'm going to try if I can still do it. I don't know if I have fans for this weblog, but I sure do have real life fans for my soup who keep on coming back each week especially for my soup. Which means I'm a good soup chef and it does incredibly good for people. Especially during a crisis. De Boed can be proud off it. It also gives my life more meaning if I can prepare fresh soup each week. Life has been seeming a bit meaningless these weeks. I had delusions telling me to go to a petting zoo to find chicks in spring, or make more home made cake, or take a good bite off an home made Dutch applepie and I would know why I live again. (I got positive delusions who have good ideas sometimes.) It's not spring yet, and I can't bake soon. The idea off fluffy yellow chicks made me happy, though. Petting zoos are often free, it might be a good idea to visit one. Preferably in spring. 

Spring is a bit far off. I should think off something to find the meaning off life more soon. I feel raisin pancakes come close to the meaning off life on the short term. With a lot off syrup. 

Medication change is going by allright as far as it goes. I'm tired more often and I feel bad in the evening during dinner time, But most off the time it goes well. By the end off the day I'm exhausted despite to have done little. I still got relationship delusions, about people gossiping about me and realy taring me down when they talk about me. I got the feeling there is truth in it, but sometimes I come up with people who don't excist and that's where it becomes truly delusional. I got that quite often. Lately I had a delusion about a next life in Ireland. Now I got the idea that won't excist. So I dropped it. I got it quite often to overthink how people talk about me and how mean they actually are. I'm probably right, but it's haunting me and makes me mad and that's the point where it's not allright but sincerely dangerous. 

I think I end this weblog here. It's been quite a lot. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.               

Good afternoon at the 24th off September, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

This morning started cloudy, but now it's sunny. It's cold outside though. The weather has changed for the cold season. 

*

I'm doing a bit hard with the term 'meaning.' I find it hard to give meaning to my life and it's emptiness these years make me a bit depressed. Maybe I'm not looking around good enough. I live a good standard to a point where it's comfortable. But I'm not short on anything, I just find life meaningless most off the time. I can't travel far or go to fun places or even the beach for an autumn beachwalk with my feet in the water- which makes it a bit hard and empty. I'm still stuck with my foot in walking plaster. I can't stand on my feet for too long, though it doesn't hurt untill I mention at some point I have been standing on it a bit long, and it starts to hurt a little. Just a little. Still, bein stuck around the house isn't fun but that foot isn't my main issue. Life just seems empty at this moment. 

I'm slowly getting used to medication changes, though it's hard. I still feel uneasy with it but I can't reach out to the psychic health office since they don't answer the phone. I should try again on Monday but I have tried three days in a row previous week and no one answered. That's no professional service. 

I mention I'm more sensitive for crowdedness and I feel I overwork myself far more easily with this change off medication. Overprickled. And it happens very easy so I have to be very carefull with myself. I go to bed very early and usually I sleep untill short before my alarm at 8.00 AM. (Each morning, also on Sundays. Medication has to take place each day at 9.00 AM.) I'm that tired each night and I take Lorazepame on an earlier time, which means I have to sleep early to make use off it's benefits. I have to say I feel better rested each day for sleeping that long. But it's a bit early I go to bed. (Also in weekends. Medication has no scheldue and I have to take it each day.) In the beginning, medication change felt harder on me since it really made my head hurt and uneasy. It's still uneasy, but it's clearing up a bit.  

I won't get myself on a vacation if I have to live like this, and downtown is even too hard when I'm this easily overprickled. I should be glad life goes by slow and easy, but it's also incredibly boring. I just believe I have no choice but taking it easy. 

A positive thing, is that I started to care again about being groomed since I lowered Pallyperidone. I can bring up the energy to take care off myself again and care for skin cream and brushing my teeth again. I order products for that online, since I can't go shopping for it. It's good for me to pamper myself again, especially since the cold season has started. I still don't wear make-up, only every so often and it's barely. But at least I don't feel like a slunge anymore since I have adapted a beauty ritual each morning and evening. They say about that that my future self will be gratefull about that. Take good care off yourself, your future self will be gratefull for it. I finally feel like I do a good job about it. (I used to do hard with it and it's a trait that comes with mental health to slack when it comes to self-care. I start to think it's been due to medication I did so.) I personally think it's important to take good care off yourself, groom yourself and stay fresh. I hated it when I slacked. It's something that didn't suit me. 

I still have to shower with help, but I can pick my own clothes and walk to the dresser to put on my favourite scent. It doesn't depend on caretakers anymore to get my clothes since I can walk around again with walking plaster. It's just that it has to stay dry and it feels filthy and sweaty after a week. I have to wear a plastic bag around it when I shower. I have to deal with it for three more weeks. It's been only one week with walking plaster, it feels like months. 

And so life goes by boring and empty. I can't go anywhere soon and it's hard to find meaning in daily life around me. I still have to deal with medication changes and my foot in walking plaster. Hopefully I will find meaning again. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.  

Good evening at the 20th off September, 2022.

 Good evening everyone, 

Today was cold and gloomy. The weather has definetely changed to the cold season. Tomorrow will be autumn and the weather decided that's allright with them. 

*

Despite my personal advice for people not to be let themselves feel down by the war in Ukraine and it's consequences, I feel negative and down myself but not because off Putin. I feel so negative due to my broken ankle, and it's so freezingly cold at night at once, and I'm on a medication change. I've looked it up again and this medication is not known for depression to be a side effect. It must be my broken ankle. I wish I felt better on the inside. It's so dark and depressing at the moment and I just wish I had a spark to re-live myself again. I could be positive over my mom to have visited, for the government to help us through the crisis, and over to have acces to Netflix and owning a smart TV which allows me to watch Netflix on it. I also received a parcel with nice luxurious skin cream (And other beauty products) which is a necessity during the cold months, but it's hard to see the light despite all off the above. I feel cranky and negative at this moment. It's not usuall for me to feel so negative. Usually I keep on seeing the positive in my life, despite it can be really bad. It's probably my broken ankle. When energy bill compensation from the government is here, I will turn on the central heathing again and allow myself warmth in the house. This night I've slept under an extra blanket. 

Usually I'm an 'The glass isn't as half as empty as it seems.' person. Not a 'The glass is half full.' - thinker since I tend to be realistic when I'm not delusional. It's just that it seems so dark and cold these weeks. Despite mom to have visited. Even the memory off us having a great afternoon in my home with coffee, a pastry and lunch watching 'prinsjesdag.' on TV couldn't cheer me up. Maybe it's dark magic which causes me to be this negative. Often they do that to teach me a lesson. I might have been too optimistic about people not to be let down by the war in Ukraine. I truly suspect them to cause that on me. Since they hate me and do so often when I try something good.

And then there are people who always feel like this. So dark, cranky and negative. I'm glad I'm not one off them. I suspect this to be temporary and fade once I feel better. It's probably also the feeling off not being capable to go somewhere with a broken ankle and medication change these weeks. I'm bound to home again. I'm usually bound to this place. That's not a bad thing since it's a good home and I made it cozy. But now I'm forced to stay here due to issues beyond my might which happen to me. It's so depressing. Maybe I will get over with it once I'm off off that walking plaster. The weather circumstances are somewhat overruling me these weeks. I feel I'm a bit unprepared for them and that also feeds the crank. Tonight and tomorrow night will be stone cold according to the forecasts. I just hope The Netherlands is rich enough to compensate everything that will befall us during the war in Ukraine. For a longer period off time, but what I've seen on TV hopefully works. Maybe a warm home will do good against my crankyness. They start with it in November. 

Later: 

I have been to the medication office and talked it over with a care-taker. She said it's allright not to feel allright sometimes, and that that happens and that it passes. She also adviced me to put on central heathing again for my mental well-being sake and that it could be the change off weather I'm sensitive for. (I am sensitive for change in the weather and temperatures.) So my central heathing is on again this night. I'm not very politically correct with it, but at least the house is warm tonight. I should take her advice. Sometimes it's allright not to feel allright and sometimes that just happens.

Allright, that's about it- 

Thank you for reading.    

Good afternoon at the 16th off September, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

Today is for rainshowers changing with sunshine. I love it to rain, and it should rain this period off the year, but it comes with a little issue for me personal these weeks. Still I would like the rain to flush away all the drought from the previous summer period and the soil to become wet again. 

*

Yesterday was for visiting the hospital and being measured walking plaster for 4 weeks. I picked bright pink for it's colour: 

I'm supposed to walk around again, and do most basic care myself- getting dressed, getting breakfast, getting to the medication office in the morning and go for dinner to de Boed instead off it being brought to me. Except for showering. I still have to get help since my foot is supposed to be packed in a plastic showerbag to keep it from getting wet. Rain doesn't help either since I'm not allowed to get it wet. I'm so glad it rains, but I can't fully enjoy it with that foot in walking plaster. 

It doesn't hurt when I stand on it. After a while it starts to hurt and I need to sit, but it isn't painfull at all. I'm so glad for that. I told the staff at the hospital I have a guardian angel on my shoulder sometimes when it comes to medical issues. After 4 weeks the plaster will be off, but it can hurt for months and it can take months for it to be fully recovered they say. 

Next issue: Medication enlowering, and enhighering. I give my guardian angel some work with me. Pallyperidone will be enlowered, and Aktiprole will be enhighered. I'm supposed to be lower on Prolactin. A hormone which is supposed to get women to produce mother milk when they're pregnant. I'm not pregnant, it's that medication that causes it. It does that quite a lot and I'm supposed to get off off it to keep it from becoming dangerous. That came out off the bloodtest from some time ago, that the prolactin (I don't know if I translated that right) was way too high. I'm not fond off the idea to produce toxic mother's milk with what I've got. It can even cause osteoporosis from your bones at an elder age when you produce prolactin like I do. (Your bones start to be lowered in lime, which causes them to become weak.) Women who have brestfeed their children a lot should watch that on an elder age. I'm an old maid in her early 30's and I never had a baby. It's not fair for medication to cause that. It's likely for me to have weak bones when I'm old when it happens like this. That stupid medication isn't reliable most off the time.  

I can say I'm a little addicted to dairy, quark, milk, fruityoghurt, I take a lot off it and it's probably to fill the gaps the prolactin makes. I love drinking large glasses off milk each morning, and I take a whole package off cream yoghurt for a snack whenever I get a chance. (With a flavour, I just love it each week.) I don't snack on ice cream or full fat cheeses- which is a good thing, but I take quite some mild fat dairy each day. Life is not fair sometimes. Also with a broken bone in my feet I feel I should take more dairy. (Even more than I already do.) I just hope my body takes it in and does with it what it's supposed to do. Somehow I expect the Prolactin numbers to be higher than what I can take in with average dairy on a daily base. It's been like that sometimes and it causes headache, my menstruation to quit, a feeling off being sick (Which I have quit often) and just a general feel off feeling bad and all off this suited me these months. I just hope the thing can be solved with what they are trying. 

This afternoon was for coffee with milk and a left over off applepie I ordered for my mom's visit a few days ago. It doesn't go bad in general, despite all the issues. I just don't like the idea off having to shower with help. It's a good thing to wash my hair regulairly, though- So I have no choice. 

I'm glad to say I can spray Thé Vert behind my ears again and today was for wearing it to de Boed when having lunch there. (I can walk to de Boed again.) I'm not overly vain, I don't do make-up on a daily base, but a spray off a scent behind my ears and in my hair regulairly makes me feel good after I've showered. So today I smell well. That, and coffee makes me feel good. Often I hold on to these kind off small things in life to cope with the day. 

Bright pink can look a bit cheap or harsh when it's combined with modern stuff, but I combine it with soft feminine looks and the idea off wild flowers so it's not Barbie-ish in my style. Wild flowers, soft purple, ink drawings, soft colours to accentuate and it looks fabulous. (And that plump black hospital shoe for outside.) I got complimented on it all the time, though. People thinking even my plaster looks good. I have to deal with it for four weeks. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.           

Good afternoon at the 14th off September, 2022.

 Good afternoon everyone, 

It's cloudy changing with periods off sunshine and it's moderately warm. Summer is almost gone and Autumn is in the air. 

*

It's been a week since I broke my ankle. Almost a week. Tomorrow I will go to the hospital for walking plaster. It's not been a bad week, I'm a chameleon who shapeshifts in diffrent circumstances. I can deal with it, but I'm put to survival mode: Which means I don't complain when I can't get Thé Vert (My favourite scent) behind my ears since I can't doll up myself or when I'm made sandwiches with what they prefer me to eat. Care takers are nice to me, luckily. There's always that exception of one who is somewhat off a bitch but I can deal with it. I barely feel anything. It's a bit dark in that field and I suppose mental medication is catching up that blow. I have been trying to call the mental health office for half a week now about that broken ankle and I can't get to speak to them since no one answers this week. It's kinda stupid. I have also been set to medication enlowering, but I don't know if that's a good idea at this moment. 

I have to get over with the shame off someone else showering me and seeing me naked. Usually I do that myself, and I blow dry my hair and put on my favourite scent. Now it's getting washed, getting dressed, (In clothes they dress me in.) get back on the couch and just brushing my hair. I'd better be gratefull my hair and my body are finally washed again and they put me in clean clothes every day. I spend my days watching TV and playing silly games on my phone. I haven't been blogging for a while. Yesterday my mom came for a visit. She promised me to visit every week untill I can 'hop around again'. 

I have send a complaint to the government about those loose stones near the swimming pool. It's not the matter off money or a claim, but it's the idea that matters, Zaanstad is almost lethal with all those loose streetbricks and people falling and breaking their limbs on it all the time. It's downright dangerous and I just hope they will finally fix those dangerous areas. If not for me, then for the next person with a dreamy attitude who walks there. There have been huge gaps between those streetbricks and it's uneven terrain to walk on, wich makes it even more dangerous. I got a call back from them, they are about to find out who is responsible for those streetbricks and they take it quite serious. They where about to mail me, but I haven't seen anything so far, though. I hope they will put serious effort in this. Most people told me they probably won't do anything about it. That would be a shame to them, but the city council is known to be slacking when it comes to that. Edit: I found their mail, they are about to call me again next week about it. 

Caretakers make me tea all the time these days. I'm thankfull for that. They make my sandwiches and they take basic care off me these days. All those things I used to do myself each day. Tomorrow will be for checking if I behaved well and if it's time for walking plaster. Somehow I think I did my best to keep my foot up high. I hope it's enough. 

Allright, that's about it for now- 

Thank you for reading.